Thursday, September 29, 2011

"Its not about me..."

Thank you all for your encouraging words, prayers, and thoughtful comments over the past few days/weeks. You've all supported me and lifted me and helped me keep walking forward in faith on this journey of mine, and I am extremely grateful.  You all make a difference.

Sweet Sara was laid to rest yesterday wearing a t-shirt with the words "Its not about me" emblazoned on her chest, along with a pair of jeans. I came home from the Same Day Surgery Clinic in time to rest a bit, and then made my way to the computer for her service. I couldn't get the picture, but the music, the children crying occasionally in the background, Sara's beautiful voice singing Amazing Grace, and the sermon by the priest were all mingled together for a loving tribute of our girl. And true to her word of wanting a celebration, the last song played was "Oh Happy Day." Sara style, written all over it.

My grief bubble has become more transparent. Life is marching forward, and I am beginning to have moments of clarity once again.  This little guy, Crosby, has become the center of our world.  He has soulful puppy dog eyes with just a hint of naughtiness lingering on the edges.  We have a barrier at the top of the stairs so he won't wander off downstairs on us.  So when he disappeared on me the other day?  This was the last place I expected to find him... reclining on the sofa downstairs... the barrier?  Completely intact.  He merely takes a running leap and hurdles right over it it.   What were we thinking?

This is my friend from childhood, Lisa, on your far left (seated) and her knitting group in Alaska.  She just recently took the photo as they don't meet in the summer.  I am still touched every time I see someone out in public wearing my hockey lace bracelet.  Its pretty amazing to know that 6 months in to this fight, people still are so dedicated to me... even as far away as Alaska.    I couldn't be more honored. Thank you ladies, I swelled with joy upon seeing it.

My point and shoot camera can't really do this next one justice.  But for two years now, around the time of my Dad's birthday,  a monarch shows up in our yard.  Last year it was at my parent's house as we cleaned out Dad's things.  As I grabbed Dad's cane and walker, I noticed the ease in which the butterfly flew.  It dipped, it soared, it dive bombed us.  And the image of my Dad having the freedom to move and breathe again in Heaven brought me such comfort that day.  This year, not only was Dad on my mind, but seeing this in our front yard, reminded me of Sara and the freedom she would also gain in her heavenly home.  Maybe next year, there will be TWO butterflies in my yard.  


  1. The love I see in Crosby's eyes is melting my heart and the Monarch photograph is telling me of sweet Summers coming back.
    I have a strong feeling next year you'll have two monarch butterflies
    Hugging you from afar :-)

  2. Okay, Crosby officially melted my heart!
    I'm so glad you were able to get home in time for the service. I loved the end when they played "Oh Happy Day" as well. So fitting! I try to keep reminding myself of the thought of Sara, your Dad and soon my Mom finally being free to soar like the monarch butterfly. Free and without the baggage of canes and walkers. Ever since my Uncle passed away I see a bluejay in the heart of winter here every year. We live in the mountains and get a fair amount of snow, so you can imagine how out of place the little guy looks. I have only seen him against the white of the snow, which was pretty incredible.
    I hope you heal up well and let yourself grieve as you need. It's good to get it out, so it doesn't sit there inside of us. I bet that little guy Crosby will help heal your heart. What perfect timing to have that sweet face around! Love and hugs to you! :)

  3. that puppy is TROUBLE! it's a good thing he has such a cute face. it has saved my poocher more than once. :-) so glad he came into your family's life this fall.

    you were heavy on my mind yesterday, so i'm really relieved to hear you made it home in time to at least hear the funeral. you didn't miss much not having the was a static camera shot and it didn't really provide much. the songs that put me over the edge were the first one and the chris rice song.

    i sported my bracelet at the 'bux this morning so that i could keep you close in thought. prayin' that chemo does its job and then gets out of your system quick like.

  4. lovely post vicki
    how can crosby ever do bad.?lol
    these dogs are so precious even when they do wrong you can't get mad at them.

    The monarch butterfly is a good sign and well taken.
    We sure wish people close to our hearts become free and happy. In fact all people should be able to know and enjoy love, peace, joy ,and health.

  5. What a beautiful pup. I've seen only a few monarch butteflies this year hovering out over the fields... they are a rare site around here too...

  6. Love the doggy pics...especially the expression on his face! Crosby looks like a nice loving dog.

  7. What gorgeous eyes he has! WoW! Looks like you can really see into his precious "doggie soul"!

  8. Vicky, oh, those pics of your pup were priceless. I can so imagine the scene, with my own devious but adorable pup here now. They are so curious, aren't they? And they really just want to be with us! One day I thought I'd put him in a room that was closed off, and I left for a few hours. My husband said, "Guess who greeted me at the door when I came home for lunch?" Apparently he'd gotten out and was roaming the house. Yikes! The image of my husband finding him at the door still makes me smile; that was not part of the plan!

    Sometimes, we do end up taking detours, like my Wednesday post mentioned.

    I am looking forward to a future visit...until then, take care.

  9. So glad to see that you were up to posting today and glad that you got to be at Sara's service because I know how much you wanted to be. It still doesn't seem possible that she is gone from our midst. I guess that will take time....

    Your puppy is precious and I don't think there's much cuter than eyes like that. They are so knowing. Good for him for vaulting to freedom (just don't tell him I said so). And he headed straight for the posh place...he's obviously a genius.

    Great pic of your friends and their support and love for you. And the butterfly - all by itself - awesome. Love to you.

  10. The butterfly visits are awesome. I love those cute doggie eyes too!

    Sending love, love, love, love...

  11. It's taken me a while to write something to you about your friend, Sara. I have read your blog and I have read hers as well. I felt that I had gotten to know her a small amount thru her posts and the updates. She sounds like an absolute angel and a fun person to have known! For some reason, she really struck a chord in me and I had no words to convey, just sadness that her journey here had ended...but happiness that it has only just started someplace else. For her to have touched you so deeply, and vice versa, shows the beautiful people that both of you are. Oh, and by the way...your puppy is the sweetest little thing ever!! What fantastic photos! It looks like you're definitely being kept on your toes!

  12. Thinking of you and hope you are recovering from your recent surgery and that the Lord is bringing comfort in the loss of your dear friend.

  13. Vicky!!!!!!
    I've been wondering about your new pup! Now that I've seen him and read your description I'm head-over-heels in love with him!

    We got 3 of our pups (the little white ones) (3 years apart) during rough times. They were like angels from God bringing us so much comfort and so much joy.

    I'm also thankful you've given words to how I feel about my grief are so good at wrapping words around my feelings.

  14. love the bracelets! pup reminds me of my Gus- he's 100 years old in doggy years & still goes camping with us! Your butterfly is very sweet - isn't it funny what God will use sometimes to show us something? He is faithful- hugs

  15. Crosby is so sweet looking! My sister and I also believe that when we see a butterfly, it is my Mom. She is gone 20 years now! I am rejoicing, now, that Sara is able to MOVE without pain and is in her heavenly home with her dad. XO, Pinky


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