Waiting to exhale...

 “Change is never easy, you fight to hold on, and you fight to let go.” – The Wonder Years


“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.” — Herman Hesse




I've been in a bubble, a mourning and grief filled space... just waiting to exhale.  But my sweet Sara lingers, for whatever purpose there is left to fulfill.  It isn't for me to question... only accept and work my way through it.  


So I watch my phone for updates, or fb, or my growing list of Gitz friends, that have come together because of her.  I sit in complete awe as her legacy plays out over the internet.  Her blog following has nearly doubled in the past week.  And the internet is alight with a Gitz glow, only a luminescent spirit such as hers could give off.  I feel the joy come through in those moments of clarity.  


I've been pouring through my emails with her.  Gmail tells me we have 100's of them.  I've discovered so many things.  Its like I've been reading a novel, a novel come to life, thats played out over the course of three years. From early on, I knew the "novel" would have a conclusion.  I knew it would end with a broken heart.  Mine.  I signed on anyway, loving her the way she allowed so many of us to do. Its been an epic read- I always knew it would be. 


But the biggest discovery I've made after going through hundreds of emails,  is that she has left me with everything I needed.  No words left unsaid, no questions unanswered.  She gave me all that I would need to move forward.  And so, slowly, I am trying to release her.  To let my breath out, exhale...  so I can  fill again... 


 In Sara's own words after my breast cancer diagnosis...


Oh, Vicky... 


if there is one thing I could encourage you to do is to allow yourself to really feel this. 


And then pick yourself back up, just like you're doing. 


I find I work through the moments so much better when I let myself feel the hurt or frustration or whatever as it comes and give myself a length of time to just be overwhelmed by it. 


It's a release of all that negative energy that you don't want to store up inside of you... think of it as letting it out to make room for all the strength Jesus is waiting to fill you with. 


I live by those kinds of imageries and letting it out so He can fill you is a good part of the process.






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Dr. Bouton says I need one more surgery.  So on Wednesday next week he will close my wound and put a new drain in it to speed along the healing.  It should only take an hour and if it goes well I'll be back at home the same day.  But first, I need to have chemo on Tuesday.  




I long to go to Iowa for Sara's service, whatever the day will be...  Nobody wants to miss the epilogue to their favorite book, and god willing, neither do I...