Turning 49

My mom always told the story of how her and my Dad had decided to name me, their first born child.  If you were a boy, I was going to name you.  If you were a girl, your Dad would name you.  

I've never asked which day I was due to arrive.  I just know my mom was in labor with me for 36 hours, and I never lived that one down!

But Dad had already proclaimed, if I were a girl, I was Vicky Marie.  I often wonder why he chose Vicky?  But I knew why he chose Marie.  He had a very special cousin, Marie, and I would have been named after her... BUT...

July 16th, 1967 at 3:17 pm, I was born.  It just happened to be the same birthday as the young girl my mom used to babysit, named Nancy.  Nancy Kay.

Nancy and all of her brothers and sisters were so special to my mom, how could she not give me Nancy's middle name?  Plus she reasoned with my Dad, I could be called Vicky, but my full name should be Victoria.   

Hence my name- Victoria Kay.  

From the start,  Nancy brought me a gift every year for my birthday. I don't recall if we got something for her every year.  I just know, long into my teen years, Nancy would surprise me with a small, beautiful gift. 

Throughout the years we went to the same church as Nancy and had contact with her on various occasion.   

But then I moved, married, and had kids.  My mom would keep in touch with Nancy and give me updates every once in awhile.

After we moved back here, one year I finally found an address for Nancy, and sent her a card for her birthday.  I told her how much her presents in the past had meant to me and I wanted to thank her.  She called me, weeping over the phone, thankful for being remembered.  Lesson learned on my part.

More years passed.

It was just last week I was scanning the newspaper headlines, and saw on the obituary page that our Nancy had died a few days prior.

I had no idea Nancy was sick,  It would have been my mom in the past who would have known somehow and told me.  My mom's friend filled me in.

It seems Nancy had been sick and needed surgery on her heart.  She seemed to be recovering well, but then suffered a set back and despite the work of her medical team, she was 

simply called home to be with Jesus.

I have no doubt, Mary Ann (my mom) was there to usher our Nancy to her heavenly home.  

It was a bittersweet day, yesterday.  I was celebrating turning 49, while mourning the loss of a friend who would have turned 63. 

I'm reflective lately.  Having just attended the funeral of a young woman taken far too soon by colon cancer, time and again my own mortality stares me in the face.

I treasure seeing those pictures (above) of me from long ago.  Me- playing in the lake with a rusty pail and half a shovel.  Me on a pontoon at the lake,  sitting on my Daddy's lap- always the Daddy's girl.  Me- in my little pedal car off on an adventure- wind blowing in my hair.

The car may be gone, and the pontoon, as well as my beloved Dad- and Mom, now Nancy too.   But that girl is still here.  Somehow, for some reason, the gift of life is the very present I open every day- and I am one lucky girl.  

Thank you to all of you who show up, encourage me, hold me up, and fill me with so much love.  

Colton was helping me with the candles for the cake.  We had a Ziplock bag full of all kinds of candles.  But when we searched for the numbered candles?  We could only find two.  They are blending in on the cake.  Two numbers.  A 4.  And a 9.  Someone was clearly helping me celebrate... turning 49.    

  

Happy Birthday, Colton!

Colton, how is it possible you turn 13 today?  Two teenagers- in one house?  

I've joked for so long about my "shot glass" list of desires.  No bucket list for me.  Two boys, turning 13 and 15 just 3 days apart?  I'll take it- another small moment and a milestone- I'll savor and celebrate.  

Oh Colton, where do I start?

Your big brown eyes are soulful, and the way your nose crinkles when you laugh brings joy to my life.  You could not be more opposite of your brother.  While Nolan is here to lead me into uncharted territory and expand me, your calm demeanor is the honey that both sweetens my soul and anchors me.  

You're smart, funny, stubborn, sensitive, imaginative, loving, and a still a bit of a Mommy's boy.  You wiggled your way into my heart from the very start, and have notched out your own way in this world.  

I realized the other day, I can't do all the "little boy" things I used to.  You'll let me grab your hand for a minute, but no way could I hold it.  I can hug you quick,  yet, it's occurred to me you don't really desire me to hang on too long.  But in your wise beyond your years way, you seem to know, it is I who needs to hang on, for just a little bit longer.  

I look at Nolan and I see all the things he can and will most likely do with his future.  I look at you and have no idea.  But what I've realized is that I can't dream a big enough dream for the things I think you will one day do.  

To the moon, Bubba Jack- love you to the moon and all the way back.  

Happy Birthday, Nolan...

Today you turn, 15, Nolan!  You're able to start working on your driver's permit, and have already staked out the Suburban as your car of choice.  You shot up to 6 feet tall, this year, and in so many ways are more, man, than child.  

So many hockey "doors" have started to open, and your mentors have seen us through, trying to figure out how to navigate, the opportunities coming your way.

All of this, despite having to learn to tolerate a lengthy healing process.  And yet, your work ethic hasn't been deterred for long.  The shooting tarp has been thoroughly christened with new puck remnants all over it, as you moved back outside to shoot.  

I love that I see the goals you want to achieve, taped to the bathroom mirror downstairs.  You face them every day, and the numbers may change, but the manner in which you conduct yourself, doesn't.

You even signed up for an extra session with your trainer, Joel.  So you lift weights at 6 in the morning, and then you do another full session of cardio.  You're so excited to be feeling better and ready to push yourself into meeting your new goals. 

Finally, this last week, you quietly received the biggest gift of all.  When you were asked by a coach to do some skating, you were officially cleared to get back on the ice.  A twinkle is back in your eye.  

Yes, its been a rough Spring.  The hockey season-ending concussion you suffered, took its toll on you physically and emotionally.  We're thankful for all of your friends who came through and spent time with you, and offered encouragement, and supported you.  

During one of your darkest days, you tiptoed into my room, where I was trying to rest so I could go back and be with Mom.  You searched through my closet, my bookshelf, then asked if you could look in my drawers.

You were sheepish when I asked what you were looking for.

"My Hands-on Bible."  

"Mom, do you ever just want to feel closer to God?"

"I just want His words close to me, so I can understand better what all of this stuff means."

I laid next to him for awhile, while he shared feeling lost.  He was sad about Grandma, and without saying more, he grabbed my hand and held it a minute or two- he has few words for my cancer.  So we just hold it between our hands.    

My heart sweeps with pride for this young man one minute, and aches for the little boy, the next.

That little boy, who was just 3 when he provided the perfect material for me to launch my writing…

My favorite Nolan story...

When Nolan was three he had gone to play the Sunday golf game with his dad one April day. It was unusually warm that day and got up into the mid 60's. It was just warm enough to catch us off-guard and Nolan experienced his first sun burn. He howled when I gave him his bath that night. He could not fathom how that red got on his skin. We put some ointment on it and put him in bed and he was much better in the morning.

A few days later after his bath he came to me. We'd had one of those days. I was in bed, emotionally drained and exhausted. Its hard to be three. Its even harder to be a parent of a child who is three. I was startled to see him creeping into my room. His eyes were downcast. His voice was somber and serious. "Mom, he said, his voice filled with resignation, "I think I'm dying." I got up from the bed. My mind started to spin.


I said "Nolan, what is wrong?"


"My skins coming off," he said. "I must be dying."


I said, "Nolan, what have you been doing? Did you get into something? DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN YOUR MOUTH?"  I was so unprepared for his confession.


"Oh mom," he said, "Every day I do. You tell me not to, but I do. I just can't help it."


"What Nolan, tell me what you put in your mouth?"


"I ate grass once," he said. "I eat dog food all the time. Oh, and I licked the bottom of my shoe. Yesterday I tasted the side of the car and its pooey mom, don't ever put your tongue on it!"


By now I am trying to hold my sides that are jiggling from the laughter trying to escape.


"Now my skin is coming off. Mom, I'll probably be going to heaven tonight. Don't be sad.  I'll miss you!"


I am leaning over inspecting what I realize is his skin peeling from the sunburn and hugging him at the same time.


"Oh Nolan" I managed to choke out.


As I go to get some lotion he tells me he has to use the bathroom. I holler at him to close the door.  He is in there a long time then suddenly comes around the corner and he is smiling. "Mom! I've got it," he says. "Do you think God goes potty? Because if he does, and he closes the door, I'll just sneak down from Heaven when he isn't looking and give you a hug so you won't miss me too much."


And with that he ran back to bed.

Love you, buddy.  

Cully's Kids 2012- part 1... "the key"

July is my favorite month.  My birthday is the 16th, our wedding anniversary was the 12th, and I am a summer, warm and sunny weather, fanatic.  So much cause for celebration.  Last week is easily one of the biggest gifts I've been given.  To hear that my brain tumor is shrinking was a divine gift from God.  On that very same day- the newest member of the Westra family made his arrival.  Rick's brother Matt, and his wife Julie welcomed Bennett Matthew into the world.  Our heart's desire is to travel to visit them soon- I just need one more good report from Dr. Panwalkar in two weeks. 

The gifts I've counted these past few days are as equally profound as they are life altering.  I'm not sure I can comprehend why so much goodness and light and love has come around, but I am feeling like one lucky girl.  

So I am going to take my time and document this for some very personal reasons.   It'll be lengthy-  feel free to skip right over it if you are short on time :) 

Part I

We kicked off Cully's Kids 3 day event (Cullen Children's Foundation provides financial resources to organizations that support children's healthcare needs with an emphasis on cancer,) Thursday night at Ushers. The excitement was growing all day.  We all knew this year there was a "big announcement" being made on the 2nd day of the 3 day event.  The anticipation charged the air with an extra current of energy felt by so many.  

As I went to view some of the silent auction items, I felt a tap on my shoulder.  I turned to see a familiar face that I hadn't seen in 20 plus years, my friend Wendy.  Wendy and I went to college together at Concordia.  But we also went to Europe together for 5 weeks and were roommates most of the trip.  The flood of memories that chased me all night long were so rich and sweet and I felt like a piece of me  had come home.  I think its safe to say a friendship has been resurrected, and I am still beaming.

But Wendy and I have more in common.  Wendy works for Sanford's Children's Hospital and has been there ever since we graduated college.  Part of the big announcement from the Cullen's has a lot to do with Wendy... (part II coming...)

My sweet friend Julie has been part of Cully's Kids for 8 years now.  To say her and her husband Tony, have given a lot of their time, talent and energy, doesn't scratch the surface of the contributions they've made. It was Julie that called us 4 years ago to see if our boys would volunteer at the picnic on the third day.  The boys have loved every minute they have been involved. Do you also see the "keys" around our necks?  More about those shortly...

Dawn is another friend with whom I share a long history.  Fortunately we cross paths frequently.  Dawn, a well known figure skater,  is largely responsible for teaching both of our boys to skate.  Just multiply all the years she has been teaching, and all of the kids she has taught and her legacy stretches out in rippling waves that know no ends. 

Bridget Cullen, graciously posing with our friend Joel.  Joel has been training Nolan off the ice.  Rick and I have been amazed at how much he has shaped Nolan both physically, and mentally.  Joel has been beyond generous in his time and talent given to Nolan and we are so grateful.

I don't know where to begin to try and tell you about Bridget Cullen.  Her husband Matt is the "celebrity" behind Cully's Kids (Matt is an NHL hockey player for the Minnesota Wild.)  But the heart, the soul, and the driving force, of the Cullen Children's Foundation squarely lies in the hands of Bridget.   There are so many words that you could use to describe her- warm, engaging, generous, compassionate- and they'd all be true.  But she is one of those rare people, whose gift is making you feel like you matter.  Talk with her for 15 seconds, or 5 minutes, and you'll walk away feeling better about life in general. 

Rachel and Jen are hockey mom's like myself.  They've both given of their time and talents to my own family and it does not surprise me in the least to see them volunteering for Cully's Kids either.  

Part of the excitement of the night was due to these keys around our necks.  There were only 100 keys. You could purchase one for 50 dollars.  One of the keys unlocked a box- to a beautiful diamond ring valued at $3,000.  Whose key would be magic?

Well...

First Bridget randomly picked a color of ribbon from all the possible colors.  If your ribbon matched that color picked, you would get a chance to try your key in the lock.  And the color chosen?  SILVER.  Do you see which color is around my neck above?  It happened to be our 15th wedding anniversary.  The excitement was growing... I happened to be third to try my lock and...

it didn't open... nope... wouldn't budge.  But the girl next to me?  She happens to be Bridget's friend, Tanya, the wife of NHL player Eric Staal of the Hurricanes, and yep... she won!  

And for the rest of the night- I was the girl who "almost" won.  But...

really... you know I feel like I won already.  The gift of friendship, of community- the spirit of giving- those were all the gifts being given.  I've found the real "key" to receiving all those gifts?  Is opening your heart... and my heart has been laid wide open.  

more... part II... 

It's my birthday today... I'm so grateful to celebrate another year... 45 years and counting... 

Cully's Kids picnic

It shouldn't surprise me. Its always hot. Its the third day of the event and with the heat a factor all three days, we're wearing out. But all you see are smiles everywhere. Because it doesn't matter what your "battle" is, cancer, or physical disability, or childhood disease of one kind or another, Cully's Kids show up to this event and participate to the fullest. And we forget. All of us forget about the battles, the illness, the scars... the heaviness of life sometimes. We forget, and become kids again through the joy being spread by one of Cully's kids. You can't help it. They smile with their whole face, their whole hearts. And don't tell them they can't throw, or run, or be a part of it. Because clearly, they do, they are, they will be a part of it.


                                        The volunteer crew minutes before the gates opened.

Matt taking a picture with one of the sponsors of the picnic.  

And cheering on Cully's Kids will be their biggest fans, Matt and Bridget. They aren't just the faces behind the foundation, they are the real deal, supporting and helping these families year round.  When Rick asked me to go get Matt and ask if he was ready to go in the dunk tank, I asked Bridget if she wanted a turn too, or better yet, maybe they could go together.  They both lit up- without a moment's hesitation, she said yes!   He climbed in first and then helped her lower onto his lap.  The first boy up, took aim and fired one solid shot...

and dunked them the very first time!  The crowd went wild.  The kids couldn't wait for their turn to dunk Matt and Bridget.  Actually the adults were secretly hoping for their turn in the dunk tank at some point too.  You could have wrung out our shirts with sweat from the humidity.  

Grant got a turn next.  He threw and threw and even though it would brush the button, it wasn't hard enough to spring Matt from his seat.... so 

Bridget got in again and on the first throw... splash!  He got her good!

I can't tell whose smile is bigger?

Brynn getting her face painted. 

The official start to the running of the bases.  See what I mean?  These kids weren't going to let a little heat, and a wheelchair, or crutches get in the way of running the bases.  Their spirit was contagious.

Matt, Mark, and Joe Cullen all took a base to give high fives to the runners.  

Grant is doing wheelies across the bases... 

Hi Dad!  

This little guy's mom was told by doctors he may never walk.  His brave momma took him to Europe for a new experimental treatment and guess what?  Not only is he walking, he may be shedding those crutches soon.  

When you show up to volunteer you you think you are going to contribute something.  But actually you walk away inspired, with a lump in your throat and a renewed sense of what "living life to the fullest," looks like.  

The story of a girl...

This is the story of a girl...

who woke up on a Sunday missing her Dad.  Not just any Sunday, but his birthday when he would have turned 81.  And she was sad... and the skies were mottled and gray, dripping with her grief...

Until she noticed the pink around the edges of the grey, or what some would call the silver lining.

And so she started to think of happier times.  The crazy, goofy, silly times they had shared.

And how last year a great, big, huge, gathering of people squeezed themselves together in 1 tiny house to celebrate eighty years of a life well lived.  And the girl smiled, knowing exactly what she would do.

So she gathered up her family and went back to that tiny house.

And even though her father's shoes and his hat with the big cow on it were exactly where he had left them, she smiled.  With her family at her side she packed left behind belongings, cleaned up the yard, and sat wrapped in her memories.

Then the family loaded up the car and visited the Dad in his final resting place.

And when they tired of swatting at mosquitoes they left and enjoyed one last stop.

A little ice cream...

And a little cake to celebrate as the girl knew her daddy loved to do.  And even though she still missed him, her sky that day, was no longer dripping with grief. 

My baby is 8 today...

How the heck did that happen?  I can accept myself getting older, and clearly one look at your brother and I know he is 10... but when it comes to my baby I  want time to stand still.  Can we just visit age 2 for a day?  Yes, 2, or 3 or 4.  I loved every second of them.  I suppose I will come to love 8 as well.  I mean, I can hardly comprehend all of the things you can do. 




Today, you made me a list of what you wanted on your Subway sub that I am to bring to you for our lunch at school. Staying true to your vegetarian roots here is what you listed:  




white bread


no cheese


tomatoas


greem peppers


lettce


pickles


black olips  (!) 




Oh how you crack me up.  


You also gave me a detailed explanation of how many cupcakes to buy.  Realizing you needed 25, and that they come in packages of 6, you clearly indicated 5 packs...  I was the one who had to stop and do the math... you just go inside  your head and pull it out like magic. 


Your big brown eyes are soulful, and the way your nose crinkles when you laugh brings joy to my life.  You could not be more opposite of your brother.  While Nolan is here to lead me into uncharted territory and expand me, your calm demeanor is the honey that both sweetens my soul and anchors me.  


You're smart, funny, stubborn, sensitive, imaginative, loving, and a complete Mommy's boy.  You wiggled your way into my heart and have notched out your own way in this world.  


I realized the other day, I can barely lift you up these days.  It occurred to me you don't really need me to anymore.  But in your wise beyond your years way, you seem to know, it is I who needs to for just a little bit longer.  


I look at Nolan and I see all the things he can and will most likely do with his future.  I look at you and have no idea.  I can't dream a big enough dream for the things I think you will one day do.  






To the moon and back, Bubba Jack...  I love you to the moon and back.  Happy 8th Birthday Colton!