Who's beside you?

The tightness in my chest is new. It hovers and bears down, but doesn't actually take my breath away. I stay home from hockey, New Year's Eve day. I wait. It stays. On and off it presents in a vague annoying way. Last night when it surfaced again, I went to my mini pharmacy in the cupboard and took some meds. I lay down. I fall asleep and awake to relief. No constriction, no dull throb, for awhile. But if and when it comes back, I know I will have to see Dr. Panwalkar, before next week. It weighs on me.

But a knock at the door served to pull me out of myself.  Distraction keeps me sane and quiets the worry of the voice in my head.  I pored over this gift, caught up in the enormity and magnitude of what this past 9 months has entailed.  My friend Nancy created a scrapbook for me, made from photos and a guestbook used at the benefit held in my honor last May.  Her work is artistic and her layouts jump off the page.

To think, the benefit committee organized, planned and achieved a completely successful benefit that literally is helping to save my life.  I have yet to count, but we read each and every name on the guest book list, and I have to say there are hundreds and hundreds of them- maybe even a thousand names of attendees.  I instantly felt washed in the light that still emanates through the pages of care and concern and prayers for our family- for me. 

The pages are filled with the perfect quotes... and I pause when I get to this one.  

I think Nancy may have inspired me to complete a scrapbook of my own.  The benefit was just the jumping off point and I have so much I could display in photos and layouts... I love a good project! 

I awoke this morning to the light of the sun splashing pastels across the sky.  The air is warm when I go to get the newspaper and so far this a winter unlike any other we've had in awhile- its rather an un-winter and I it sits well with me.

As the house quieted this morning, there was one more knock at the door.  Kendria (isn't that a beautiful name?)  had written a beautiful and heartfelt note to me before Christmas.  Today, she sent me an angel of "Courage" with a Fight Like a Girl sign she handcrafted!  I caught the sun streaming in and loved how it highlighted all the important parts.  She looks rather "victorious" to me. 

I am so genuinely moved every time someone thoughtfully encourages and blesses me.  I am realizing what it does for me... it squelches worry.  It quiets the tightness in my chest.  It overshadows fear.  It fills me with hope... and longing... to be worthy of so much abundance. 

Princess for a day...

there came a moment in the middle 

of the song (benefit) when she suddenly felt every 

heartbeat in the room & after that she 

never forgot she was part of something much bigger


Story people Brian A.




Oh my word, where do I begin?  I've had over 24 hours now and I still can't quite believe it all.  Pinch me please.  But first I have to tell you the day started off with snow! Seriously, can we start just one month without snow?  This is the 8th month in a row we have had snow!  

But where I will really start is with my family...  see them below, some family I have huh?  Yeah well let me explain.  See we aren't related in any way.  But the name of our family is hockey and that says a lot right there.  So when one of us is knocked down?  The hockey family is the first to step up and not just ask what they can do, they just do.  And they've been "doing" almost since the day I was diagnosed.  They formed a committee, they lost a lot of sleep, they formed a tight bond, and to listen to them bicker and joke with each other?  Well yeah, I'd say they became a family.  And I became the luckiest girl in the world because of them.  

They decked out the gym in all pink and all pretty.

Amy and Nancy set the pink purses in hockey pucks as decorations on the table!  The details they came up with are so clever and cute and they didn't forget a thing.  I know these two have worked on so many projects and I couldn't tell you half of them.  But I could see their artistic touches everywhere.

Sara works at the hockey office and I know without her help on that end, so much of this would not have been possible.  By the way, Sara, is also the mom of "Grace," Colton's "friend."  

Riley is on your left, and Grace, is on your right.  My son has excellent taste and now that Sara has event planning down,  do you think planning a someday wedding could be in our future?  

More of my family, Rachel and the rest of her crew.  Rachel hosted the first party for me at her home and has not stopped with her amazing support!!  How cute are those boys?? 

Susan on your left is not part of the hockey family, but she is still a part of OUR family, well because we all love her!  And Nikki on the right, was still vacuuming and cleaning floors at 8:30 last night, hours after the event.  That would be our Nikki, beautiful on the inside and out. Thank you girls!

This is Kim, who might be younger than me, but really she is like a big sister to me. She is the one you turn to when you need pretty much anything.  So when I told her I was sick, she pretty much got busy taking care of me, my family, and everyone else.  I can't begin to tell you how much she has done, because she won't even tell me half of it.  But I know I couldn't do this without her. 

These lovely ladies, are 1/2 of our book club, although all of the girls were there!  How lucky am I that they would care so much, the entire book club would come and pitch in and help.  They've decorated my house, sent me gift cards (for books of course!) and volunteered at the event yesterday... and way more things I don't even know about I am sure.  Best. Book. Club. Ever.

All of these photos came from Amy as I sit editing all the rest my father-in-law took... many more to come

Wow, seriously from 2pm till 6pm, nonstop people.  The line for the food wrapped around the whole outside wall. Everyone raved about how good the food was!  If someone has a photo of the food, please send one my way!!

All of the tables were filled with auction items.  I never did make it to all the tables to see everything.  I just know there was a lot of bidding and lots of happy people.  Such cool stuff everywhere,  it was a great day for some competitive shopping! 

And done!  Bidding closed! 

Amy and Kim said they had something for me.  Remember when I said I would be all twinkly like a princess?  Well, wait till you see what they got me.

Shauna from book club and Mary, Amy's mom who hung out for two days helping with everything! How cool is the hockey net headboard?  Nolan was simply drooling and it was a hard sell for him that WE were not bidding on anything.

Now when the idea of a guest book came up, who would have thought I'd get a "scrapbooked" and personalized book.  Nancy, (photo 4 above) made it for me, and I can't wait to get my hands on it! 

So when I said I felt like a princess, Amy and Kim delivered everything fit for a princess.  From a tiara, to princess balloons, to glass slippers and a wand.   And oh how I wish I could wave it over the top of the church and grant just one wish for each person there.  Because everyone deserves a day like mine, where they are loved on in such a way, they will never quite be the same again.

Perhaps all the dragons of our lives

 are princesses who are only waiting 

to see us once beautiful and brave.

Rainer Marie Rilke

So this is my story.  I'm just a girl who had a bad thing happen to her.  Breast Cancer is both the worst thing that has happened to this girl, but also the thing that has delivered some of the biggest blessings.  Her hockey family made her princess for a day, through many long hours of their blood, sweat, and tears.  They raised a lot of money for her medical bills, but mostly they showered her with love.  They SAW her that day, as they do every day, just a girl who will keep fighting the fight, standing up to cancer and calling herself blessed beyond measure.

Big, big thank you's go to all of the sponsors!!  

Food Services of America

Andy Johnson

Speak Easy

Mosaic Foods

Cass Clay Creamery

Pan O'Gold

Dakota Growers

Randy Evavold

Sysco

Chad McCaslin Agency

Hornbacher's 

Cash Wise Foods

SunMart Foods

Lutheran Church of the Good Sheperd

Tuesday is chemo day.  But please know I have more pre-benefit photos to share from another amazing night, and many more of everyone who attended the benefit.  I may have to lay low for a couple of days, but will return as soon as possible.  

We never know how high we are...

We never know how high we are by Emily Dickinson

We never know how high we are
Till we are asked to rise
And then if we are true to plan
Our statures touch the skies --

The Heroism we recite
Would be a normal thing
Did not ourselves the Cubits warp
For fear to be a King --

Its funny how we "learn something" in life and then we LEARN SOMETHING in life.  How words come to life under the most diverse circumstances.  Like how big and bold and bright the colors of the rainbow are.  And we can describe them, and oh yeah, they're pretty.  But then you grow up.  You marry one day, and have a baby.  And suddenly after this human being that you are suddenly indelibly linked to, comes into your life, with ear splitting screams, and unyielding needs, and the most intense love you'll ever feel.  And then suddenly, you know COLOR.  Like techno-color.  Like the light switch was finally thrown on and suddenly you can see you've been in a very dimly lit room all along.  Because red is like RED and you see all the pinky-purply-blackish-bluish-beauty to it, and you wonder where you've been all along, stuck looking at monotone drab blah for red. 

And seeing red, like really SEEING red, reminds me of that poem by Emily Dickinson.  Because do we ever really know the fullness of our capabilities until we are forced by circumstance to rise up to meet that occasion?  We were probably capable all along, but do ever really push ourselves to see, to find out, to discover?


Because if we did?  The feats we conquer, might actually not be so heroic, if we could just go do them every day... they'd just be normal.  "Warping the cubits"- well cubits is a kind of measurement.  And warping the cubits must mean altering them.  Its the effort we actually put forth, rather than the true effort we could perhaps put forth.  Because of our insecurity.   Um, its like tying one hand behind our back and trying to shoot from half court, and then not feeling too badly if we miss.  Or being content seeing drab, as a muted tone of red.  


I didn't think I could do cancer.  I didn't think I could do daily blood draws like oh-my-god-they-are-sticking-needles-in-my-arm blood draws every day.  Or scans, PET, Bone, CT, MRI, scans.  Or chemotherapy?  Who me?  And surgeon visits, and oh yeah radiation therapies?  


Oh, and another thing I've never dared to do?  Call myself a writer.  I still blush any time someone says it.  


 And I am not alone in the "heroics" I see every day.  When Stacy tells me she went out "cold calling" just to see if she could garner some items for the silent auction?  She got a huge response!  She sounds so surprised, but I'm not.  Just wait till you see what they did with the little pink purses.  Can't wait to show you.


And I wonder if Pam thought of herself as a "business owner?"  But NeckLaces and the bracelets are doing so very well, and she is so very good at it.   And would her husband, Greg ever think he was going to organize and plan a spaghetti feed benefit?  Plus a silent auction and maybe a golf tournament?  But he stepped up, along with many, many others and led the way. 


And I'll accidentally leave someone out who is working tirelessly behind the scenes, like Kim, or Tami or Amy, but I assure you I will have pictures at some point for proper recognition.  Did they know they could do all that they are doing?  I assure you its a lot of behind the scenes I am not around to witness.  


But it makes me wonder... where is your crown?  Where is your stature?  Are you waiting to be called to rise to see?  





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TJ let his class pet Cocoa who was visiting for the week wear the bracelet.

And this is Rockstar, I mean Sabrina, who fought and won the battle against stage 3 breast cancer 4 years ago- yes, when she was 17!  Way to go Sabrina, love survivor stories of strong women! 

Katie and Sabrina

Awww, and Julia with her mom Sue, thanks girls! 

They're here!  We have Shelly to thank for setting us up with Joy of Joyz Jazz so everyone can buy a silver hand stamped, fight like a girl necklace!  Click on the photo in the sidebar to take you to Joy's paypal page.  Or visit Joyz Jazz on facebook and leave her a mesage.  A portion of every sale goes back to me!  Thank you Shelly, thank you Joy!!  


Keep the photos coming, we love getting them!  Thank you everyone!