tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-47950269461811522152024-03-13T20:56:18.362-05:00The Westra World...all shall be wellVickyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02595982706357639001noreply@blogger.comBlogger1007125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4795026946181152215.post-51039799154710825122018-10-13T20:39:00.000-05:002018-10-13T20:39:26.896-05:00In God's Hands<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">It is with a sad heart I write tonight to share Vicky has passed away and now is in God's hands. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">She talked over the past few weeks of a trip she was going to take, there was going to be a dinner (what would she pack to wear?) and then she would ask if her room was ready for her. We couldn't answer the timeline though we knew the time was drawing near. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Like much of the cancer journey she has been on she exceeded all expectations. Vicky dealt with the weeks of hospice with grace, finding joy each day in seeing family and friends as well as hearing from everyone on facebook, other social media and food/cards/etc both at the house and through the mail. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUyw39eGH70FLMxHrC1pnmCHD5yv7jsIP2d3nMWDJ3wawdzVjpoxo9W2QwMEyeifFwk9dA5jHlObWLG62bS6UKk3ct63fujyd4xFXXNoSKKRo5JiToKNdOP_ia6Dwjq9-l8JxYmIOFNsYG/s1600/531930_3244577727665_1764799087_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="777" data-original-width="800" height="310" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUyw39eGH70FLMxHrC1pnmCHD5yv7jsIP2d3nMWDJ3wawdzVjpoxo9W2QwMEyeifFwk9dA5jHlObWLG62bS6UKk3ct63fujyd4xFXXNoSKKRo5JiToKNdOP_ia6Dwjq9-l8JxYmIOFNsYG/s320/531930_3244577727665_1764799087_n.jpg" width="320" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg25ciPqThwtWrnncX1yyw31zVTGCrP-T-q3mWbL1mzNUPSlcbBTPhN8wpvSQoTf33cGRBlaixQzhjUoOS387ELU47EwwtHBX2n3DHR8uT0ggMNhpbk1vIlVI4-T5m1QHr8gElgPqvqh5M7/s1600/IMG_0015.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg25ciPqThwtWrnncX1yyw31zVTGCrP-T-q3mWbL1mzNUPSlcbBTPhN8wpvSQoTf33cGRBlaixQzhjUoOS387ELU47EwwtHBX2n3DHR8uT0ggMNhpbk1vIlVI4-T5m1QHr8gElgPqvqh5M7/s320/IMG_0015.jpeg" width="240" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">We all felt so blessed by such support during this journey. God has blessed us - we could not have made it this far without the support of so many. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Vicky marked this poem for me to share...</span><br />
<b style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, "lucida grande", arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br /></b>
<b style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, "lucida grande", arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Death is Nothing at All</b></div>
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<br style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, "lucida grande", arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Death is nothing at all.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">I have only slipped away to the next room.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">I am I and you are you.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Whatever we were to each other, </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">That, we still are.</span></div>
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<br style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, "lucida grande", arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Call me by my old familiar name.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Speak to me in the easy way</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">which you always used.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Put no difference into your tone.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.</span></div>
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<br style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, "lucida grande", arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Laugh as we always laughed</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">at the little jokes we enjoyed together.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Let my name be ever the household word</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">that it always was.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Let it be spoken without effect.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Without the trace of a shadow on it.</span></div>
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<br style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, "lucida grande", arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Life means all that it ever meant.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">It is the same that it ever was.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">There is absolute unbroken continuity.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Why should I be out of mind</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">because I am out of sight? </span></div>
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<br style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, "lucida grande", arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /></div>
<div style="font-size: 15px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">I am but waiting for you.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">For an interval.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Somewhere. Very near.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Just around the corner.</span></div>
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<br style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, "lucida grande", arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">All is well. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">by, Henry Scott Holland</span></div>
<span style="color: #000066; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, lucida grande, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 102);"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #000066; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, lucida grande, arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">I'm sure Vicky is getting ready for her dinner party and everyone is there to greet her. They will share stories and talk sharing inspiration and joy. Then it will be off to see the room God has prepared for her in his house. </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #000066; font-family: "verdana" , "geneva" , "lucida" , "lucida grande" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"></span><br />
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Vickyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02595982706357639001noreply@blogger.com66tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4795026946181152215.post-91963422952144520552018-09-15T15:18:00.001-05:002018-09-15T15:18:20.219-05:00The Hospice JourneyHello everyone,<br />
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After starting the care of Hospice I quickly settled into their routine and structure. My nurse whose name is Angel is just that-warm, sweet, and kind, but smart too. We've gotten along well. I was able to start on a lot of the same meds I had been taking but they bumped up my pain meds right away. <br />
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What I've noticed over the past few weeks is that as soon as a complaint is rendered by me, its quickly addressed by them. Meds are taken away, added or exchanged. My pain has steadily been increasing and we have been adjusting accordingly. It's been tough because of how much it changes from day to day. I may be feeling fine one day and see people and then next day I'm filled with pain and unable to do much at all. I am supported in all my daily needs by those around me. I feel myself getting weaker as the days go on.<br />
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It is tough to answer questions on how I am doing as it changes moment to moment. At one point we thought it would be hours or days until I passed. This week I had a boost after my brother Lee came to visit. Currently I feel the pain is increasing and I am more uncomfortable. We are still sharing our moments together with family and friends. The time will be whatever God's plan is for me.<br />
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I feel that I have been very blessed and I am so grateful to everyone for all the prayers, support and love along this journey.<br />
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All shall be well...Vickyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02595982706357639001noreply@blogger.com34tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4795026946181152215.post-51948812150667106472018-08-24T16:04:00.001-05:002018-08-24T16:04:11.995-05:00Hope & BeyondDear friends, family and love ones. I've always wondered how do this post? How beautiful or thought provoking I might be able to make it. But what about if you wait until it seems you might not be able to get it done? Now that doesn't sound like much, but please understand its what I have. I'm continuing to find the extraordinary is right here in the ordinary and I hope you'll take the time to find it as well.<br />
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On Tuesday after much reflection, thought, devotion and wonderful talks, Rick and I along with the boys determined Hospice was the best type of care for me. Hospice is "end of life," care. I will no longer go into the Sanford hospital, do chemo or radiation, see anyone at Sanford Infusion Center to have treatment of any kind. Its daunting to make this big change, but the help of our pastors from the church, I feel more and more at ease with this decision! This the right thing to do for now. <br />
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So we've done our best to reach out to many of you but not all of you know yet and we thank you for staying with us all this time in support, peace and love, plus hope and prayer.<br />
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Thank you one and all for the beautiful words you've shared with with me. How you've shared your lives so much with me. I will miss you more than I could put into words and so I won't try. I love you- to the moon and back! <br />
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Just a quick note: communication is difficult for me, your words uplift me, I will see them but my communication will come through Rick as we move forward in the journey.Vickyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02595982706357639001noreply@blogger.com82tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4795026946181152215.post-6831257401308808532018-06-11T14:13:00.000-05:002018-06-11T14:13:07.991-05:00Where I've been this time around...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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My house has been adorned with beautiful flowers and a huge basket of fruit on the other side of it that arrived from Spokane, WA. </div>
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Jim brought me peonies that grow along the side of my mother's house and are so fragrant and beautiful. </div>
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I somehow knew that past Saturday the 2nd, without ever really knowing. It just lingered in the air, and hung against my skin and caught in my throat. Something wasn't right. And too many of those "some things" were adding up into "you must do something about your somethings." By 8 pm I was headed into the emergency room. My stomach made me look and feel about 3-4 months pregnant and there was no relief. I couldn't get comfortable in any position. My pain meds weren't alleviating the pain radiating throughout my abdominal area. And I know I hadn't had a bowel movement in 4 days. </div>
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I needed help. The er doc thought likewise and put together a plan to scan me with a ct and no dye, then go from there. For hours I waited in the prep room waiting for my turn. I'm not even sure what the final time was, sometime around 4 am I was being ushered into my room on the 8th floor.</div>
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The scan revealed a lot of blocked up stool and what looked like a narrow opening to my colon. These two things were working against any movement of bowel in my system and needed to be resolved. So Monday a list of arduous scans and tests began. From procedures with my colon, to scans, and several enemas, I was continuously being taken down for another procedure. I have to say they were some of the most pain filled days I've had in awhile. I requested my breakthrough pain drug non-stop it seems. A lot of tears were shed. But the team of doctors was empathetic and continuously trying to help. </div>
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We finally got a distinct view of the narrowing of the one tube leading to the colon. All I know is the diameter was down to the size of a straw. So for me, it was like trying to push stool through a straw! No wonder I was in so much pain. I needed another stent for my bowel area. Within hours of them telling me, I was whisked away for the very procedure I needed. But unlike bladder stents, I felt so much of it, and it was extremely uncomfortable. </div>
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But it seems to have worked a little anyways. I will go in on Tuesday the 12th to see Dr. Panwalkar to determine how its working. Then we'll decide if I can proceed with chemo on this body that is still in recovery mode. </div>
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My head is still spinning from the rollercoaster I've been hanging onto for dear life. I couldn't even get a coherent note out to all of you. The news changed minute to minute at times- it was just crazy. </div>
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I went 5 days with no food or water. Then suddenly not only was I allowed to drink and take a few bites of food on Wednesday- I was given the green light to go home! I couldn't believe it. I was pretty weak and would be relying on Rick for help with dressing and getting ready for the day, but we managed somehow. Im slowly learning how to make food I can eat, and figure out all the new medications I have. I have a couple that are pretty uncomfortable and do not like the effect they have on me, but its for my good and so I'm mustering up the energy to try and tackle them. I don't have much in the way of choices left. My main desire is to truly just feel comfortable again.</div>
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I have no idea what kind of appointment we will have tomorrow or what we will discuss. But when I can muster the energy again to sit and put it all into words, I'll be here to share with all of you. </div>
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The stunning view out my 8th floor window from the hospital. </div>
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I also had the extreme honor of being a part of this beautiful story, right before we headed into all of the medical issues. I'm trying to post it, and I'm sorry if my efforts are in vain. It ran on May 29th on WDAY. com under the title "woman fighting seven years receives big surprise." Try using the link below for the story.</div>
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<a href="http://www.wday.com/news/4452519-woman-fighting-cancer-seven-years-receives-big-surprise">www.wday.com/news/4452519-woman-fighting-cancer-seven-years-receives-big-surprise</a></div>
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I can't thank Angie enough for spearheading this whole vigil that took place at my house. My pastor and our worship band came, there were prayers, and tears, and singing, and worshipping and community and overflowing hearts of love and joy. Its the best possible way to tie this all up because it goes to show that despite everything- joy shows up. Always. Blessings flow. Joy is contagious. and there were way more hugs and love than grief and sorrow. Dr. Panwalkar even showed up- and that was just the icing on the cake. Thank you Angie- your giving and generosity know no bounds! </div>
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Vickyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02595982706357639001noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4795026946181152215.post-16872246878507879332018-05-24T14:33:00.001-05:002018-05-24T14:33:31.766-05:00Quick update...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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When I stepped into the exam room to see Dr. Panwalkar, I had no idea just how much everything was about to turn upside down. Just two days prior I made it out to not just one, but two graduation parties. The photo was taken by my cousin's house and yes, I was feeling pretty good. I had used my oxygen for hours before I left the house and just felt pretty good to venture out. The parties were great and I got to see so many friends and lots of family.<br />
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So I was feeling ok about my appointment and it started off with tackling each of the things I've been dealing with. Dr. P had also figured some things out and prescribed all kinds of new things to help me. Then we finally got to my labs and I mentioned how my kidneys were still so "mad at me." When he saw the numbers on the screen for the first time, he quickly changed his demeanor. <br />
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"Oh thats bad, really bad. Lets get on this right now. He sat and thought a bit and then said. "I think you need another stent placed. One on the left side that works like it does on the right side." I'll call Dr. Williams and we'll get going right away."<br />
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So as he typed away on the computer, I sought some clarification as I was not sure I was reading all of this right. So I took a big breath and asked, " am I nearing kidney failure?" and he stopped typing and turned to me and said, "yes. I'm sorry to say you are and I can't tell you why or where its coming from. Its very bad." As we got up to go, he asked if there was anything else he could do for me.. and I thought of the only thing that it seem I needed- Could I have hug from you?" I asked. He looked so surprised and broke into a smile. "Sure! we can do that!" And boy did he give me the closest, longest, meaningful hug I've had in a long time. I tried to express my gratitude towards all he does for me as I didn't want him to carry the weight of feeling like he had somehow let me down. The tension in the room deflated and I felt I'd go on despite how serious every thing was.<br />
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So... it shouldn't have surprised me as much as it did, but not only was I going to get not 1 but 2 units of blood transfused that day, I soon found out I was being prepped for surgery the very next day! Dr. Williams knew how bad my kidney lab results were and that surgery was a Hail Mary to try and rectify the damaged kidneys. So he agreed to squeeze me in the next day. I still had chemo, then was squeezed into a blood transfusion, then hurried home later that evening to prepare for surgery the next day! Whew. I was overwhelmed with a flood of emotions. <br />
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But the craziest part is how much energy and life was restored to me through those 2 blood transfusions. Holy cow! Not only was I able to move without oxygen, I had desire and drive to do so much. My house is very cluttered due to Rick having his busy season in work. I've been slowly sorting an cleaning all over, just one day after surgery. It feels so good to be here typing away, So I hope it helps you for the next part I have to share. I'm just being honest and hopefully putting us all on the same page. <br />
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I arrived at the new Sanford Hospital for surgery around 8 am in the morning. Because I was being squeezed in I spent a lot of time resting in my prep room with Rick. Dr. Williams peeked his head in the door and then came in. He is so warm and personable. He looked tan, and refreshed and it was so good to see. He sat down and took off his surgical hat. Then he shook his head as he started to speak. "Your numbers are awful. I'm preparing myself for what I may see when I go in. But you do seem to have a little infection. I should be able to assess what I can see. I'll just deal with it once I go in. But I have to tell you, I don't think a stent is the answer. I'm sorry to say, I think the damage is likely chemo related or some other treatment maybe, I don't know. But lets give this a try and see. He smiled when he went he went off and I thanked him as he hurried out the door. It was the last I saw him that day, but he did meet with Rick.<br />
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Dr. Williams showed how sad he was when he talked to Rick as I was wheeled into recovery. Rick said he was teary eyed and told him "it looked terrible inside. So many tumors had grown everywhere and he could only shake his head. He even said it was now growing in my bladder and there really isn't anything they can do for it. He also said my kidneys are in very rough shape. Really bad shape. And yes, its common to not have many outward signs that anything is happening. So all he could do was put me back in the hands of Dr. Panwalkar and see what he wants to do. Rick says he always says the nicest things about me. He expressed again how this shouldn't be happening and its not fair when these hard things happen to good people. His compassion is so real and authentic and helps us feel supported all the way through. <br />
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So I'm home again. Feeling physically better than I have in awhile. So I"m bury myself right now in cleaning, and sorting and organizing. And a huge stack of cards arrived cheering me up so- thank you, thank you! I have a hard time keeping up with my gratitude and thank yous for all you have done for me and for Rick and the boys too. I could not do this alone.<br />
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I still have hope. No wonder it picked me for this year's word. I need huge hope right now. Will you hope along with me? We can do this together! No matter what it is we have to do, together is the only way.<br />
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Love to you all~ <br />
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<br />Vickyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02595982706357639001noreply@blogger.com30tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4795026946181152215.post-40784975731389666882018-05-17T12:07:00.000-05:002018-05-17T12:07:24.158-05:00filling the pages<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I woke up to hear Rick's voice whisper to me "Happy Mother's Day." I smiled as he sauntered off to make coffee. But then I went to sit up and my stomach lurched. The nausea washes over me in a deep surge. I begin to cough, and cough. "Oh no, I think, here it comes!" I then begin to heave and gag. Vomit looms as I clutch at the side of the chair shifting my position. Its a good 10 minutes before it unceremoniously subsides. I'm sweaty and my heart is beating fast. But I didn't vomit this time. I let my stomach settle and am about to get up to go to the kitchen when the movement once again sets off another attack. Here we go again. And yet, just another few minutes and I'm able to sit and sip at my coffee as if nothing has happened. This time I got off lucky. Earlier this week, I had 3 hours of repeated vomiting and heaving and I was unable to do anything else that day, even when the grips of it all left me spent. But we managed a few hours of watching as Rick planted flowers outside in my flower beds, and bought a vase full of fresh cut flowers for my to enjoy inside. My family was in and around me throughout a busy day, and I loved how they met me right where I was.</div>
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But when I highlight these types of yucky events for Dr. Panwalkar? Theres nothing he can offer me. Compassion and concern line his face, but his words are sparse. "You're in unchartered territory. I don't know what we can do for you." His words referring to my PET scan was that it was overall "much worse." I had many new areas of progression throughout my system. The part that likely has to do with the vomiting or vaso vagal spells, is a tumor or mass that is by my colon/bowels that is triggered when my bowels move. It puts me in a precarious situation most of the time. How do you go anywhere when these symptoms crop up announced? And they're so unpleasant to have and for anyone to witness. Rick is such a trooper, offering Kleenex or water, meds, or Nausene to see me through. But these spells won't likely go away on their own. They loom in front of me all day long.</div>
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Dr. P simply says we will switch my treatment to to the immunotherapy drug called Keytruda. I mistakenly thought it was oral, but its infused. I had my first infusion two weeks ago and it went well. I simply don't feel well, despite the new treatment, not because of it likely. </div>
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So how do you plan your day? I hover between my chair and the bathroom mostly. I'm just hanging in there, trying to string together a few hours that I feel ok. But its a struggle. I've had to cancel many visits at the last minute, as my stomach sits churning. I will see Dr. P again in a week and will report the worsening effects but not sure there will be much we can do if I want to continue on with treatment. Its a hard place to be. And its why I'm so quiet in this space. I still long to know that somehow I have something to offer in this time I've been given. The boys seek me out daily and I love all the time we spend chatting away. They're affected by all of this, and yet resilient at the same time. I love them so. <br />
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As a couple of days pass, the nausea bouts are still prevalent but I get through them more quickly it seems. But now its my shortness of breath concerning us all. I'm quite swollen in my legs and feet and my arm on the right side. Maybe its affecting my lung as well? Despite using Oxygen supplementation during my waking hours, I still get so short of breath all of a sudden. I will find out more when I see Dr. Panwalkar on Tuesday. But that is as far out as I can look right now. <br />
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I'm grateful for the overwhelming abundance that has found a way through our door. Whether its a card, or the gift of scripture cards, or food, or a short visit- it all adds up beyond measure. It's hard to make "plans" for anything. And I have my days of not being fully dressed and made presentable, as my house sits in varying degrees of disorderliness. But we open our doors when we're able and pray others can avert their eyes from the mess, and just see me. I'm still in this shell of myself peering out through those swollen and hollow looking eyes. But, I'm still here. And I'm eternally grateful for all who so tirelessly work to meet me in this space- often so new for both of us. <br />
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Vickyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02595982706357639001noreply@blogger.com26tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4795026946181152215.post-43784275113186052512018-04-06T11:55:00.000-05:002018-04-06T11:55:16.389-05:00hope is medicine<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I have sat down so often, writing a little bit of an update, but it never feels quite finished so I wait. And begin again another day. But no two days are alike anymore. I'm in a continuous cycle of dealing with new physical challenges each day it seems, and I just don't ever seem to go back to "normal." Its a "new normal" everyday. But here goes just a little of what it's been like. </div>
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I last saw Dr. Panwalkar on a Tuesday in late March. He teased me as he fired up the computer saying "3 whole weeks have gone by and I haven't heard you ring my phone once! How can that be?" </div>
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It sets a pleasant tone instantly and I banter a response right back. Our whole visit is a series of questions and answers and I try to affirm each time that really I'm doing ok. Until he asks about shortness of breath. And between Rick and I we paint the picture, without realizing the ball we've set in motion. </div>
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I just can't always get very far walking, without running out of breath. And I certainly can't clean, or dress, or do normal activities for any length of time without also struggling for air. </div>
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Dr. Panwalkar assures me we will get to the bottom of it with some help from the Pulmonary department. While a simple xray doesn't show any big differences from the last one, Dr. P still wants me to have testing done. As he walks me out to infusion that day, I happen to remember and whisper to him, "I just passed my seven year anniversary since diagnosis on the 16th, thanks to you." He smiles big and wraps an arm around me as he ushers me into a seat carefully. He whispers right back... " and we'll just keep hoping for more..." His voice trails off as he turns to leave. I sit, flooded with warmth and hope. </div>
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After chemo, I get a wheelchair ride over to the Pulmonary Clinic and proceed to get hooked up to a device that will track my airflow as I simply walk up and down the halls. I take off walking and seem to do just fine, but after several trips of walking in a circular fashion, I'm short on breath and cue the technician its time I sit down. She grabs a nasal canula and oxygen streams into my lungs through my nose. I sit breathing deep as she announces that my oxygen saturation has suddenly plunged to the mid-80's. My eyes search her face for an answer to what this means. Oh, you failed the test, she says. But that qualifies you for oxygen therapy. </div>
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Just. Like. That. And I'm home, on oxygen therapy. Its a long appointment with a respiratory therapist at our house. He first goes over the concentrator that will sit in the living room area with ample hose attached to a nasal cannula for me to wear. Then he goes over the unit I can wear across my body. Except, I instantly discover its quite heavy for me and cumbersome to wear. It exacerbates the pain on my left side, no matter how I situate the unit. It'll take some maneuvering on my part to be able to wear it out. </div>
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Over the course of the last couple of weeks, having oxygen therapy has taken some time getting used to. I don't need it around the the clock. I don't need it if I'm just up and walking to and from one area of the house to the next. But as the day goes on and I need to perform some activity, I require more use of the O2. Its quite drying to the lining of my nose, despite the constant post-nasal drip I have as a side effect of my chemo. And I've had some headaches that may go with it. But otherwise its a pleasant feeling not to have to fight for air at times and the panic that can go with it when you don't feel like you'll recover your ability to breathe. </div>
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So just when I felt like I had the breathing part figured out, last week I couldn't shake a sense of light headedness. I had to go into Roger Maris for a booster shot and told them how I was feeling. The nurse could tell something wasn't right with my color or my blood pressure. Soon Lori was sent back to see me, and she went to run everything past Dr. P. They felt I was dehydrated and needed some iv fluids at the infusion center. I was lucky, a cancellation had just occurred and I got to go right in. After a good 1 liter bag was infused a couple of hours later, I was cleared to go home as long as I took it easy and rested. We just had to laugh that it seems lately its always something, but what will happen next? </div>
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It took me awhile to bounce all the way back. My counts may have been pretty low and had to restore themselves with help from the booster shots. In the meantime, I've also been dealing with some episodes of a vasovagal response. I don't actually pass out, I manage to stay conscious, but my stomach heaves for several intense minutes. I have intense nausea and it can end in vomiting repeatedly for awhile. I sweat profusely and shake and then after a good 10 minutes or so, it passes quickly and I recover. But when and where these episodes may occur, is unpredictable, and hard to manage. Add all of these things together and you can see why no two days are the same anymore. </div>
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So each day, I try to just succeed at a basic level. If I can dress, eat, get up and be with my family, etc., that is the aim of a good day for me. But sometimes, even those basic things can just be a tall order. Its the way things seem to go right now. And that is where all the wonderful things you send me, help more than I can say. I so often have to reach outside of myself, clinging to the bits and pieces of hope that are thrown my way. I love the Anne Lamott quote... "Because hope is medicine..." Its definitely something I've come to learn from my one word for 2018. </div>
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We finally got to see the airing of our story in Dream. State. Wow! They did such a great job of piecing together a wonderful story about our family. We have continually felt so blessed and honored to have been asked to be a part of this show. I tired embedded the show below and hope it works if you'd like to view it. Our part starts about 3 minutes in and runs for a few minutes! I'm so proud of the boys and how well they shared from their hearts about what they live on a daily basis. It was very fitting the show aired at the same time I passed my 7 year cancer survivorship milestone! </div>
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Thank you to everyone who has sent me notes inquiring about how I am doing. The outpouring of care and concern continues to bless us and humble us. Meals still show up at our door and nourish us both physically and emotionally. Plants, flowers, cards, letters- they bolster us so and we can't say enough thank you's for all that is done for us! </div>
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<br />Vickyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02595982706357639001noreply@blogger.com30tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4795026946181152215.post-1260563119006776772018-02-22T14:52:00.001-06:002018-02-22T14:52:17.454-06:00Scans and surgery and Dream. State. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It's days after I had my stent replaced and that is me in the photo above, late the first night. I was actually allowed to go home from the hospital by early afternoon. Around every corner that day, it seemed a small gift awaited me. </div>
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I've learned through time, to try and not have too many expectations. I had been told to arrive at 6 am and that surgery would be at 8 am. I had been barely settled into my pre-surgery room when Dr. Williams arrived to see me. He had already concluded his first surgery of the day and it was only a little after 7. He assured me I'd be going down soon. We had very little to say as this was my 4th procedure by him and we're pretty well versed in how things go. He was full of an understated ease, that mimicked my own calm at the time. While everything is truly very straightforward, you still know you're presenting yourself for something quite serious. I have a large mass in the area where the stent goes, and it's proper placement is key to helping my bladder and kidney work smoothly together. But we don't elaborate those details. He simply says he'll see me in a bit and off he goes. </div>
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The operating rooms are on the second floor, just a short trip down through the elevator and down some long hall-ways. Somehow I was so relaxed I didn't need any pre-meds to calm my nerves before going to the OR. I was chatty with everyone as they began getting me ready for my procedure. But as soon as a little "versed cocktail," was added to my port, I knew the "party" was about to begin. The last little bit I recall is that they were going to cancel my need to go to the PACU unit since I was such a light weight and wouldn't require high doses of drugs. I would go directly back to my room after the procedure if it went well.</div>
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Sure enough, an hour or so later I awoke to being back in a regular hospital room. At the mention of food I agreed to some jelly toast and was soon sipping some coffee and munching away. Rick had managed to go down to the cafeteria and was surprised to receive a call that I was back in my room just as he was getting his food. He finished eating and came back to sit with me. He shared that Dr. Williams was pleased with how the procedure went and also happy with how the stent looked when he took the old one out. He also shared with Rick that he feels bad that I have such difficulties to face, and yet he admires how I remain so positive. Based on everything being in such good shape Dr. Williams has decided to move me to a 4 month rotation so that I can have more time in between procedures as long as I continue to do well. </div>
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It wasn't long and I managed to get up and walk on my own. As soon as that was checked off the list, I was told I could dress and prepare to go home! At every juncture that day, it went far more smoothly than I had ever experienced. I felt at ease for so much of it, despite some discomfort and side effects of the anesthesia, I still felt it was all manageable. At home I managed to sit with my phone and finally see the outpouring of love and prayers on facebook from so many friends and family. I was thoroughly touched and moved beyond words. The multitude of prayers and well wishes truly were answered and blessed me so. How else can you explain how well it all went? My tiniest concerns were met and taken care of- truly I was in the best hands. His hands.</div>
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My scan results even showed me the stent the week before last. Its such a tiny piece, but its surrounded by a mass of breast cancer tumors in my pelvic region. Fortunately? The mass was actually less pronounced in the most recent scan, and overall looked smaller. In fact, the entire scan showed less prominence of cancer in many areas. Dr. Panwalkar was pleasantly surprised at how good the scan looked in most areas- a couple of areas were the same and some a bit worse maybe, but overall good. He hesitated in how we should proceed with treatment, but ultimately decided that since I was handling the side effects pretty well, we'd stick with the current regimen. So for the next 3 months I will continue on with the combination of 4 drugs infused every 3 weeks. I'll continue to do 3 booster shots and I promised Dr. P I'd call if I had the slightest change in how I was feeling. He had looked so serious when he arrived at our appointment, but was more cheerful and pleased overall, when he left that day. </div>
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I've managed a few photos of some of the blessings that have come our way. Beautiful plants with just the right words displayed on the crate- so uplifting the day it arrived. Plus the box of cookies that came all the way from Georgia! They were delicious and I was so touched someone took the time to mail them off to me. The flowers that arrived one day, gave me such a lift. I remember how bright the sunshine was and how "springy" it felt that day. The gift of the blanket just topped everything off. </div>
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I was groggy and recovering from surgery, and the best possible way to rest is when you have a blanket made that is called "covered in prayer," by a woman who was a survivor of cancer herself. I'm definitely living proof, that blankets can cover our physical needs, but it can also help cover our emotional and spiritual needs as well. A few days later another beautiful hand knit blanket arrived- ti is equally as warm, and done in some bright beautiful spring colors, I love wrapping in it early in the morning. Thank you to all who have blessed me in so many ways. It helps me feel like there is a continued purpose to my life, and that is the best gift of all.</div>
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I've been reading the book, "Option B, Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy," by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant. She says "resilience comes from deep within us and from support outside us. It comes from gratitude for what's good in our lives and from leaning in to the suck. It comes from analyzing how we process grief and from simply accepting that grief. Sometimes we have less control than we think. Other times we have more. But when life pulls you under, you can kick against the bottom, break the surface, and breathe again." </div>
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This is how I live my days, with the support of all of you. I'm kicking and breaking the surface, and breathing yet again. Thanks for coming along with me! </div>
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The first episode of the show Dream. State. aired last week. We had decided to watch as a family and as the boys arrived home, the show began. We were all glued to the television when suddenly it stopped after just a minute or so had aired! And it didn't come back. We were so perplexed and disappointed. But luckily, Nolan discovered a link for the episode on Youtube and we were able to stream it to our tv. Wow! The first episode was so well done! We watched twice that night, pausing and remembering as we went. There were so many special moments with Nolan in it throughout the episode- over a dozen times we saw him or one of his goals, or an interview he had done with his friend Ethan, when they were really young- so many great moments. </div>
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Here is a link to the first episode on Youtube: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCiV-PTiamk"> Dream. State. </a></div>
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The second episode is scheduled to run on FSN tonight, right after the Wild game. We have been told our story will not be in the second episode, but has been moved to the 4th episode to run at a future time. All of the shows should be able to be viewed on Youtube after they've aired on tv, if you don't have access to the tv show. </div>
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<br />Vickyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02595982706357639001noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4795026946181152215.post-69824942217279542652018-02-01T12:41:00.001-06:002018-02-01T12:41:10.037-06:00Dream. State.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnKNr0o5rKlDTnxZTFYST3QuxhFw1CL6n0rqhke8Fo_IvRdG83vmwoDed739ut-SenJQ3_KViyymwxaNkfxPB2Hw9di2pEf1QwFepoUdxbeJASTJ7KkEujYq9jVEf-9Dd4XCdOvlEdeN0k/s1600/IMG_7446+copy+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1288" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnKNr0o5rKlDTnxZTFYST3QuxhFw1CL6n0rqhke8Fo_IvRdG83vmwoDed739ut-SenJQ3_KViyymwxaNkfxPB2Hw9di2pEf1QwFepoUdxbeJASTJ7KkEujYq9jVEf-9Dd4XCdOvlEdeN0k/s640/IMG_7446+copy+2.jpg" width="514" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjp7Flcqkd58D8T4VkWLoa5KekJ2sQFxSWBx9C2YTs631pbq9F01MgdwhbgvG-pougQiQ6kYC8tPS0a4-nvhLfWQictkL9A7g-HSv3NmzsvNPJV6QbmaV8V4OlLIASrLt_RoR6LEJCBNgGg/s1600/IMG_7431+copy+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1589" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjp7Flcqkd58D8T4VkWLoa5KekJ2sQFxSWBx9C2YTs631pbq9F01MgdwhbgvG-pougQiQ6kYC8tPS0a4-nvhLfWQictkL9A7g-HSv3NmzsvNPJV6QbmaV8V4OlLIASrLt_RoR6LEJCBNgGg/s640/IMG_7431+copy+2.jpg" width="634" /></a></div>
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Dream. State. It's the name of the television show that is following our boy's hockey team this year. We've seen their production crew both on and off the ice at the Sports Center. One of the young men met with Rick to talk about using some of his photos from over the years as part of the show.</div>
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But then he received another email request. Would we consider doing some interviews with the crew about our family story? They expressed not only talking to me about my journey with cancer, but also wanted to talk to our boys, and to Rick. </div>
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Through a series of messages we picked a Sunday for the crew to come to our house. The boys had been traveling for hockey and had arrived home late the day before. So we let them sleep in a bit and didn't get started until 11 am. We truly didn't know what to expect. We anticipated it'd last an hour or so. </div>
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I had just had chemo the Tuesday before, and was just starting to feel better. I prayed long and hard that I could feel up to the task of being on camera and sound ok in the interview I would do with them. I was fully prepared to live up to the honor of sharing my humble story once again. I felt like I had so much to give. I'm always awe-struck that He seems to find a way to help me live with purpose, by sending these huge opportunities to me time and again. As confining as it can become to physically live within your 4 walls, its amazing how much your spirit can grow past those very walls. I was ready to give... </div>
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But I had no idea just how much I'd receive instead. </div>
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The crew spent a good hour or so just setting up all of their gear. I forget how many cameras there were. At least 3 were running most of the time. And their lights were strewn about. Each one of us was given a microphone that we taped to ourselves. Then the questions began. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjU3lolNXffahwbS4GonDrAxu4Lkp68VX5DMq6SW9C9msZi9yfO9SW8qxdXq0Ee5AZ5_MCbn2vxxGhmzDBxGHb6Z2OWFNEbBjandmhC6Chh8ZX9mf02yJYqTmlF-nS1bjXnKEEH6I25tJDX/s1600/IMG_7437+copy+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1594" data-original-width="1600" height="397" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjU3lolNXffahwbS4GonDrAxu4Lkp68VX5DMq6SW9C9msZi9yfO9SW8qxdXq0Ee5AZ5_MCbn2vxxGhmzDBxGHb6Z2OWFNEbBjandmhC6Chh8ZX9mf02yJYqTmlF-nS1bjXnKEEH6I25tJDX/s400/IMG_7437+copy+2.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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I got to go first, with the other 3 watching on. I know we talked for almost an hour. But the focus of our talk? Certainly wasn't about cancer. Its funny how much hockey has been more pervasive in our every day lives, and how easy it was to lead the talks back to hockey throughout everything. Its so clear that hockey is more than a game, more than a season- its definitely a way of life that is lived both on and off the ice. </div>
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And so many of the people that you started this journey with, are the very people that are still present in your life all these years later. I was both drained and exhausted when my part was finished. But I was filled up with joy and good memories, and pure satisfaction of just how fully we've lived our moments throughout all of these years. But that's when the biggest gift started to unfold before my eyes. The boys were starting their interviews. And part of what they were asked to share was about how Rick and I had contributed to their hockey life. I won't forget the magnitude of those moments. The raw emotion they spoke with. The words that every parent longs to hear. We laughed and laughed at all the fun stories the boys remembered. And relished the good memories that prevail to this day. I know parts of this could be used for the show. While the tears streamed as I stood just outside the doorway listening in, the gift of hearing my boys speak these words was simply priceless.</div>
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The young men then sat down with all of us and we continued to share stories with them. As they slowly began to wrap up and pack their things, I glanced at the clock. They'd been with us for 6 hours! For 6 hours we had talked non-stop about our hockey life, and we felt like we barely scratched the surface. We re-told the past 15 years of our life, and it was such an honor to have it all captured on camera. The whole afternoon was a wonderful culmination of the journey we've been on ever since the boys were in diapers. </div>
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I was literally spent for days to come. I have no idea how I got through the taping as well as I did. Its clear that He saw me through. Those prayers were answered. The grace rained down in abundance on me that day. </div>
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The show, Dream. State., will air February 13th on Fox Sports North. Its a 6 week, 6 episode show that follows the Moorhead boy's hockey team. We were told our family footage would be aired on the second episode. We can't wait to see it! </div>
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A lot has been happening as far as my cancer treatment goes. Dr. Panwalkar has been very busy in researching and finding another treatment for me, despite the fact I haven't physically seen him in awhile. I've gone in twice to fill out paperwork to help me secure access to a new drug should I need it. I've both had to qualify for the drug medically, and financially so its been no easy process.</div>
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I will have a PET scan on Monday, and see Dr. Panwalkar on Tuesday of next week. If my scan is stable or shows tumors shrinking I'll just stay on my current treatment. If I show progression than I would start taking a pill called Keytruda. You may see advertisements for it on tv. It's a new immunotherapy drug on the market that shows promise in heavily treated patients like myself. I'm so grateful to have qualified to have this drug when the time comes. </div>
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The very next week, on Valentine's Day I will have another stent replacement surgery. I have so much happening over the course of the next two weeks. I will be at the clinic or hospital nearly every day those two weeks. Between all the booster shots, the pre-surgery labs and exams, infusion and PET scan- I'll be stretched to handle it all.</div>
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So I'm still leaning in to all the uncertain and scary times ahead. Each day is different. Will I have break through pain, or not? Will I need the wheelchair or can I walk? Can I keep my oxygen saturation high enough, or not? Will I be nauseous? Tired? Weak? Worried? Likely all of the above. </div>
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Still- my days fill in between with support in all kinds of ways. Meals arrive on a weekly basis. Treats and goodies are left by our front door. Cards and letters with encouragement arrive all the time. I feel blessed despite the hard things we continue to face daily.</div>
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So to get through the next couple of weeks, I'm turning to the best coping method I know. Taking myself out of the center of it all as much as I can. I'd love to focus on you! Will you share your prayer request with me for Monday? How can I pray for you? Please leave your requests in the comments below and I'll make a list to carry with me the next couple of weeks. </div>
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~all shall be well~</div>
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<br />Vickyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02595982706357639001noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4795026946181152215.post-66288538767299116422018-01-01T11:46:00.001-06:002018-01-01T11:46:22.742-06:00My one word for 2018<div style="text-align: center;">
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My word for 2017 is love. I've been reflecting quite a bit on all that I learned about love this past year. I think the biggest lesson to shine through was simply that being open to love, allowed me to fully see it and feel it in all encompassing ways. In the everyday, the ordinary, tiniest moments, love can be found.</div>
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When I was growing up, we didn't express love to each other by saying, "I love you." Whether its our Scandinavian heritage, or just old family traditions, love was shown, but not overtly expressed other than on a momentous occasion... and often privately. Oh how I longed to feel it at times. But maybe it was there more than I saw? </div>
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I really tried this year, to express my love in ways that reached far beyond the boundaries I grew up with. You so often have to give away the very thing you desire. So, I said it, and tried to show it, to all those around me. It was far easier than I anticipated and seemed to be reciprocated on such a grand scale. I realized, I had been able to express it for so long, I just had to lean into it, and honor it, and it was such a staple to my every day existence. My own boys have no trouble at all expressing their love towards me and others. The "I love you's" roll off their tongues and hugs go right along with saying it. It touched me so to see it lived out in this way. I hope that its me, living my legacy- not just leaving one- but truly showing my boys how I want them to go on.</div>
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But now I'm pondering my 2018 word. What word could possibly be the same as "love?" I've just had to stay with my practice of paying attention to what comes to me and consider the deeper message often shown in our day to day activities. <br />
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And the word that shows up over and over again lately? Is hope. I even received a journal, in perfect timing, as my old one is closing in on another 1,000 gifts I've counted and I need some more pages. And there it is, "Hope anchors the soul..." Hebrews 6:19<br />
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And then this quote I stumbled across while reading really resonated deeply with me...<br />
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<div cwidth="659" eza="cwidth:659px;;cheight:114px;;wcalc_source:child;wcalc:93px;wocalc:93px;hcalc:760px;rend_px_area:75126;" style="background-size: auto; color: #555555; font-family: Gotham, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial; font-size: 20px; line-height: 38px; margin-bottom: 20px; max-width: 741px; padding: 0px;">
<b cwidth="0" eza="cwidth:0px;;cheight:0px;;wcalc_source:child;wcalc:93px;wocalc:93px;hcalc:760px;rend_px_area:0;" style="background-size: auto; margin: 0px; max-width: 741px; padding: 0px;">Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today. </b></div>
<div class="author" cwidth="659" eza="cwidth:659px;;cheight:24px;;wcalc_source:child;wcalc:32px;wocalc:32px;hcalc:72px;rend_px_area:15816;" style="background-size: auto; color: #555555; font-family: Gotham, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 24.6875px; margin-bottom: 20px; max-width: 741px; padding: 0px; text-align: right;">
<i cwidth="0" eza="cwidth:0px;;cheight:0px;;wcalc_source:child;wcalc:32px;wocalc:32px;hcalc:72px;rend_px_area:0;" style="background-size: auto; margin: 0px; max-width: 741px; padding: 0px;">Thich Nhat Hanh</i></div>
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So often you all ask how I'm doing...<br />
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Hardship has entered my world on a daily basis. Just sitting here to type is somewhat daunting. Words don't flow out of me like they once did, and the chemo brain stifles what I truly would like to convey. How do you walk that fine line between saying you're essentially doing ok, but also being real about parts that aren't ok? And that the next day, it all flips and new things aren't ok, but other parts are now better. It just depends on the day. Some days I eat, others I can't. Often I sleep, but then days go by without a single nap. Pain is managed, but then suddenly it's not. I seem to shift in and out of these states often throughout my days. And yet, every time something new is lobbed my way, so many of you show up with answers.<br />
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My blanket with heat has seen me through so many hockey games. I can fit my heated coat, under my down coat, and the blanket can fit on top. And then when my feet went cold? Rick's Dad, Jim, bought me socks with batteries and now my feet can stay warm too! Hope just keeps showing up seeing me through hockey game after game, I feel so blessed.<br />
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Our Christmas was a mix of both of these things. We had a wonderful cousin's gathering and I managed to go for a couple of hours. We laughed and talked and shared good food. But then I was spent, and needed a day or two to recover. I wouldn't trade it for anything, but its hard to gauge where best to spend my energy day to day. We managed a wonderful night of Christmas Eve at home in front of the fire, but I couldn't go to church. The boys hadn't asked for very much and we had a simple gift opening and we were all surprised by how well Rick did with being the main Santa Claus this year. My one big task? Was to mail out Christmas cards and I enjoyed each moment of it. I wrote notes with some and delighted on reading letters from others. I cut way back and didn't get one out to all, but I was so happy to devote my time and energy to the ones I could do. But that was all I could muster energy for this year. And despite what we couldn't do? Nolan whispered in my ear, "Mom, was your Christmas a good one?" His big heart on display for me, was gift right there.<br />
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What really blessed us was all the wonderful gifts we received at our doorstep, or in the mailbox! The letters some of you wrote that touched me through and through. The gifts that were so thoughtfully delivered to us- from plants and fruit baskets, to baskets with Christmas goodies and books, and music and kindness all wrapped up in a big bow. And when our washing machine needed to be replaced? Gifts of money showed up and helped us do that very thing we so badly needed. Our hopes were met yet again.<br />
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Its one more gift that choosing "love" has taught me. Family can come to you by means of genes, and by means of community that grows up around you when you have hardships. I not only have a family, but I have a hockey family, and a neighborhood family, and so many others with people that I can sit and chat with, and commiserate with, and laugh with- and it doesn't matter the origins of the relationship. It all feels like family to me! If it can happen to me, I know it can happen to all of us when we have a great need for community. We all just need to be there for each other in whatever ways we can.<br />
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I had chemo on the 26th, and am trying to fully recover. I get pretty worn out and nauseous for a few days, but then slowly start to rebound and am pretty stable after that. And I just try to stay in these moments, in the here and now, taking in what I can, and giving what I can.<br />
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Theres still purpose in my days. The boys come to me daily, sharing with me their own troubles, and kindnesses that others have shown them. They don't hide their feelings, and let me see how happy they can be, yet how sad it can feel to them as well. They're both going through some tough things, outside of me and my sickness, that I can't do anything about. Its pulled us all closer tougher and we're searching for ways to make sense out of what they are enduring- but it hasn't been and won't be easy. Hope is all I have to offer them as well.<br />
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It was a somewhat teary good bye as they loaded up for a 3 day holiday hockey tourney a few days back. I wouldn't be able to attend. I just try to assure them I'd be here when they return, and they should go off and Nolan should play hard and Colton should manage the team well. Then, I anchor myself in hope. Its what I have right now and its something that I'll hang on to as long as I can!<br />
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Vickyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02595982706357639001noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4795026946181152215.post-51596536261521440372017-12-07T11:37:00.002-06:002017-12-07T11:37:39.399-06:00living my moments<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Each time I log in here, I'm at a different point in my life it seems. I have so many posts started, and not completed because the news is ever changing, every day. And it seems lately, I shift from having a good day, to a not so good day, rather quickly. Or a not so great stream of days, turns into a run of better days. I just never really know, day to day, how I'm doing. Its easiest to say "I'm fine," because there isn't any other suitable response it seems. </div>
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This past Sunday, the infusion nurse bringing me into the room I would use, commented on how I didn't look like my usual self. The pain I had been enduring for a few days had taken its toll, and with all the resources I have at home, I'd reached the limit of what I could do. She could see it in my eyes. So I had called the oncologist on call who had said I should go right into the infusion center and get iv morphine to better manage my intense pain. I was thankful I didn't have to go to the ER, and managed a short trip to the infusion center. But by Sunday night? I was feeling up to having a visitor. My friend Katy came, with a stash of food, and good cheer and a sweet soul all the way around. And I was in a groggy haze of meds, but so happy to just sit and chat away with her. She met me in those moments and helped me feel comforted and loved and I deeply appreciate that special visit. I went from one extreme, to the other, all in one day. </div>
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But the one constant I can always count on? Is how all of you, like my friend Katy, show up for me! Just look at the friends below who came for a night of fun by the fire with good food and drinks, and wonderful conversation. I was definitely feeling well at this time. Our hockey community surprised me yet again with the gift of a stadium blanket, that has a battery attached to it and heats up just like my coat! They brought it to me this night and I was blown away with their generous gift for me. I used the blanket just last week, and it saw me through a chunk of the game and even with a low battery the warmth was just enough to help me sit comfortably all the way through. My neighbor, Darla, brought me to the game and we were both feeling great after seeing Nolan line up right in front of us, and score his first goal of the season! I'm so grateful and feel so blessed by the giving spirit of so many friends and families who show up, time and again, to help us move through this crazy roller-coaster of a life that we're on. </div>
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From cards that arrive in the mail, to visits from people that bring food. One acquaintance brought a pillow with the words "all will be well," on it. She had just learned how to make pillows and it's beautiful. I also received a new journal from a friend visiting from the cities, with many other goodies. I'd love to show pictures of it all, but I'm afraid I'll leave someone, or something out. I surround myself with all of these things and they are tangible reminders of just how much everyone is supporting not just me, but our whole family.</div>
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I snapped this quick photo of the boys heading out on the road for their first hockey trip of the season. I just wasn't up to traveling and was grateful I could watch the games streamed on my computer. Colton on the left, a freshman this year, is a team manager for the Spuds hockey team, and Nolan is a junior forward for the team.</div>
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After my crazy adventure through the infusion center on Sunday, Dr. Panwalkar showed up at my appointment Tuesday, with concern written all over his face. We had quite a somber, although thorough visit with him. He too, can see the difference in me at a deeper level. He was filled with compassion and concern. He said after listening to my lungs, that they sounded like I was much more limited in air movement on the left side and wanted an X-ray done before I left the clinic that day. He'd go ahead and get a procedure lined up for me to have the lung drained of any fluid, if necessary.</div>
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I was surprised by how quickly the nurse's aid took me back to the department for the X-ray and then how quickly they took me back to get it done. Dr. Panwalkar managed to read the film before I left and felt I didn't have too much fluid, so no draining would be necessary. I just had to be careful not to push myself too far past my limited ability to breathe deep. Too many tumors on top of old radiation damage is taking its toll.</div>
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But I had tolerated the last chemo session pretty well. My white blood counts were low, but I'll be getting a series of 3 booster shots next week to help them climb back up again. We also bumped my morphine up a bit more and added in some Advil for inflammation. All throughout my visit with Dr. P he was very in tune with me and took his time answering each little question I had. I'd lob a concern out to him, and he'd ponder it carefully and volley back to me with feedback I could use, or suggest something to try. But Dr. Panwalkar seemed to be able to tell, I didn't need to know more than what was facing me right now in this moment. Its too tricky to try and look out a ways when day to day everything can change so fast. Meeting me in the moment seems to be the best way to do this right now.</div>
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In one of the first books I read about a woman's journey through cancer, the author, Katherine Russell Rich told of her checklist she used to determine how she was doing. She would ask herself, "Are you in the hospital?" "Do you need help with breathing?" "Do you need help getting up and walking?" If she could answer no to these questions, then she was doing just fine. These have stayed with me and helped see me through what I face day to day. We could all use a daily checklist to help determine how we're doing, couldn't we? </div>
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One of the other new found treasures I've been reading is Oprah Winfrey's book called "The Wisdom of Sundays." I've often pondered what has shifted my focus to taking in the small moments and treasuring them in a new way. Why is this such a big presence in my life?</div>
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Page 16. I just had to turn the page to number 16 and the words resonated so deeply with me. I've spoken before about how I just want to expand my time and not worry about extending it. I use all my senses to hear, smell, touch, and taste all that is offered in any given moment. Gary Zukav wrote about just this experience saying "As people become multisensory they begin to become aware. Millions of us are acquiring that sense that life has a meaning, that I have a purpose, that I am more than this mind and body... Multisensory perception does not make us more kind or patient or caring or less angry. It makes us more aware. And when you get that sense, the spiritual work begins." </div>
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The more pared down my day to day life becomes, the more I can allow myself to grow spiritually. I'm working on that. I have so much to learn just right here in the now. So I just keep trying to live my moments as fully as I can. </div>
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On the outside I may look fine. But it won't always reflect how I am physically doing on the inside. Maybe thats ok. Maybe I can be ok in some other ways, and not worry too much about the rest.</div>
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Thank you for coming along with me! My gratitude is overflowing for the abundance I truly feel I have. </div>
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<br />Vickyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02595982706357639001noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4795026946181152215.post-37910390478492781632017-11-06T12:11:00.000-06:002017-11-06T12:11:36.543-06:00answered prayers<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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My quick cell phone photo doesn't do the cookies justice. They're bright pink and white and were a complete surprise arriving at our door last night. Thank you for the sweet treat to the angel who made these- they sure were a day brightener! And just as yummy as they looked. So was the meal that arrived ready for us to bake tonight- thank you Bonnie- I was so touched by your thoughtfulness. I really feel when these things happen, they truly answer some of the prayers so many have said on behalf of our family.</div>
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I know I was in search of the things I could count on last week, when so much new was cropping up, so fast.</div>
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I met with an OB, Dr. Keup last Wednesday. She had planned on trying to do the biopsy of my uterus in office that very day. I was so unprepared for it, but tried to steady my nerves as she prepared me for the procedure. But I was in discomfort right from the start. No matter how slight her movements were, it was incredibly painful. She stopped before she really had a chance to start, saying she just didn't feel she'd get a good sample based on how much atrophy had settled in after my ovaries had been removed. She needed to have me under anesthesia to get a good amount of tissue. </div>
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So I told her about my scheduled stent replacement the following day, which I had just found out would be the first surgery of the day at 645 am. I had to arrive at the new hospital by 5:00 am Thursday morning.</div>
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Through a series of phone calls in which Dr. Keup was able to talk with both Dr. Panwalkar and Dr. Williams who was doing the stent procedure, they managed to come up with a plan to do the biopsy right after the stent replacement. The second surgery pieced itself together in such a seamless fashion, it was hard not to feel as though bigger hands were truly in charge of how this all would go. But it didn't stop there... the biggest surprise was about to happen the next morning. </div>
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Rick drove me to the hospital early Thursday morning. I was called back to the pre-surgery room shortly after our arrival. I had felt like I was walking through a hotel lobby on my way up to the 3rd floor. Everything had such grandeur to it. It was a lot to take in and I found myself quiet and reflective. </div>
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As I was being prepped by a nurse, a whole crew of people streamed in and out of my room. I hadn't been told to take my scheduled morphine and the time had come and gone, so my nurse wanted the anesthesiologist to come in and see if she could help.</div>
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Dr. Goswami came in and introduced herself. But she lingered as she spoke. "My name often precludes anyone from knowing who I am, she said, coming bedside to speak with me. There was a warmth she exuded underneath all her scrubs. She told me she wouldn't be following me to surgery as she had been at work all night and was just concluding her shift. She continued to speak. "As I read your history last night, I had an idea of who you might be. You write a blog that my surgical tech follows. She even sent me a link to a post you had written that included Amit- Dr. Panwalkar-and it was so kind, I just wanted to thank you. You see, Amit is my husband, and you spoke so nicely about him ... I just wanted to introduce myself so I could thank you. </div>
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I was flooded with pure joy! Out of all the doctors I could have been assigned to, Dr. Panwalkar's wife was the one overseeing my care at that time. I was so awestruck in such a way that I hardly said any words to her. It truly felt like the presence of God in that moment. That she took the time and went out of her way to talk to me was so gracious. She went on to be sure I got a dose of morphine before she left to go home. She said she doesn't often tell her patients who she is because they tend to turn the conversation onto her or him and she feels the focus should stay on the patient. </div>
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I'm not sure why it had such a big effect on me, but I settled in and felt peaceful waiting to be taken back for the surgeries. Both procedures went well, and despite a lot of bleeding which is common with the kind of biopsy I had, and some discomfort, I was able to go home late Thursday afternoon.</div>
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I'm not sure why it is that small things continue to speak to me in such big ways. Its a very simplistic viewpoint that I hold. But I had to feel it was God's way of showing me that He had this, despite how nervous and afraid we may become when faced with hard things to go through. I just want to feel like I'll be able to handle things, no matter what comes. And He hasn't let me down in feeling as though I'm not doing this alone. </div>
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Next Tuesday, I will see Dr. Panwalkar, and then begin the new chemotherapy regimen. I'm so nervous to begin 3 brand new drugs with a host of new side effects that may or may not show up for me. I will also hopefully get results from the biopsy and be able to move forward with those. </div>
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In the meantime I've been touched by the outpouring of messages, and prayers and visits by so many. Each little bit helps see me through and I will be eternally grateful to all of you who continue to walk side by side with me through this journey. </div>
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What do answered prayers look like in your life? </div>
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<br />Vickyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02595982706357639001noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4795026946181152215.post-18574265394781282852017-10-31T17:04:00.001-05:002017-10-31T17:04:03.494-05:00the changing seasons<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I was recently so honored to be asked to share my cancer story on my friend, Jenna's blog, that she named<a href="https://grapetootsiepopblog.wordpress.com/2017/10/29/947/"> Grape Tootsie Pop</a> in honor of her mom, Carol. Carol was part of our Fourward survivor group and we miss her so! Please feel free to pop on over and read if you'd like to hear how this whole cancer journey began for me... <a href="https://grapetootsiepopblog.wordpress.com/2017/10/29/947/">Vicky's story</a>. </div>
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I've been turning thoughts over and over in my head, wondering how to share with you all. Its only just past a week since Dr. Panwalkar squeezed me in after he'd been away on vacation, but it feels like a lifetime ago with all the new territory we've covered already.</div>
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Dr. Panwalkar strode into the room and was headed straight for his chair when I instantly asked him about his trip. He smiled big and said it was wonderful- far too short- but good. But then he switched back to me right away and asked about the boys, as he loaded my scan results on the computer. I could tell he was all business this day.</div>
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He started his report with a summary- "Well the results are not terrible... but they're not good either." He proceeded to show my lungs with a new spot in my right lung now and growing spots in the left, my ribs on the left with a spot now showing after months of pain indicated something was already there, and my pelvis area, including a growing mass in my uterus. Click after click with areas lighting up left and right. I find myself drifting off a bit as he measures, and plots, and tries to determine just how much more activity and growth the cancer is showing. To me? Its all too much! What are we going to do? </div>
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I'm trying to just breathe deep and stay focused. He turns and faces me and says, "I think its time we get a new biopsy and see if the cancer is the same, or has changed in some ways. It will also match us with any treatments that may be left to try. I think its best to try to get a sample from your uterus."</div>
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"In the meantime, I think we'll try switching to a different chemo... maybe Ibrance, a hormone treatment. As he talks about my history, he is quiet and reflective. He is turning things over in his mind too. I can see how tricky this all is- it certainly matches how I feel. He finally asks if we've tried any in the 5FU line? I shake my head no. We haven't. As we talk about it, I realize a weight is slowly lifting from me. He is talking about treatment. His voice now has some conviction again and then suddenly, he brightens and says- well since you haven't had any from this family than there are two more drugs we can use with it as well. He shares that 5FU is an old breast cancer drug, now used more for colon cancer, but there may still be some benefit from it and I may keep my hair. He also mentions Methotrexate and Cytoxan that go along with it. He is proposing a 3 drug combo. </div>
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He goes on about a couple of other drugs and its then I jump in to ask him... "So are you saying theres more treatment options left for me to try?" We go through many of the ones I've done already, but off the top of his head he still finds another one. He cautiously says we just need to keep in mind my body isn't recovering very well, or rebounding very quickly from each session of chemo I do. The trick is to find a therapeutic level of a drug that I can tolerate, and yet still have it do some good. I find myself shaky all over again. This isn't going to be easy. </div>
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But then he switches gears again. What do I think about trying to find a study? There are so many mechanisms being studied and he rattles off the ones he is most impressed with. He is downright animated in talking about the proteins, and the types of cells, and the nuances of all the components. My head is swimming. A lot of the studies are on the East coast. They would require a move, and possible hospitalization. It'd be costly, in many ways. I'd have a lengthy process to go through just to see if I qualify. But the idea has merit? So many ideas with possibilities, but which ones are the ones we should embrace? For now we will test for the proteins and just start with that to see if I'd even qualify. </div>
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I'm so fraught with emotion by this time, I just need time to process all of this. So I tell him what is foremost on my mind for right now. The boys are starting their hockey season. Its a big part of our lives. I simply need to feel as though I can do ok, whether I am able to fully be with them or not, can I get by long enough to see them through their hockey season sometime this spring?</div>
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He pauses and mulls it over. He smiles, cautiously, then says, yes, I think we can try for that. </div>
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We get up to go, but I won't be having infusion for 3 more weeks. Instead of walking me out, this time, he goes right, and I go left. So much new, amidst so much old, and I can only wonder what it all means. </div>
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I have had many tests these past few days, preparing for the stent surgery sometime on Thursday. I will see an OB on Wednesday to talk about the biopsy process and make a plan. I will do my best to come back and fill you in, soon. In the meantime, will you pray for me? Out of all the change, the one thing that has always seen me through is your prayers. I'm honored. And humbled as always. </div>
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Love to you all~ </div>
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<br />Vickyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02595982706357639001noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4795026946181152215.post-4446317474399848472017-10-18T13:22:00.000-05:002017-10-18T13:22:00.443-05:00Still waiting...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Last week as I was headed out the door to the clinic, I paused just long enough to snap a few photos. My hydrangea plant was still blooming, right in the midst of fall weather. In fact we covered the plant hoping to preserve it a bit longer, but alas, the frost crept in that night and the once bright colors were instantly turned brown. I was so thankful I had stopped and gotten a few images.</div>
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As I looked closer, I noticed that the plant was showing every stage- from the green of the newest buds, to the bright pink of a fully blossomed flower. There was even some rust patches of reds, yellows and browns creeping into the bottom. Does the plant really know which season it is in? </div>
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The temperatures are low enough at night that we awaken to a layer of glistening frost in the mornings. Yet by mid-afternoon, the temps turn into a warmth hovering in the mid-seventies. Different parts of the day have us either pulling on layers for warmth, or quickly shedding them, with thoughts of what was I thinking when I put this on earlier today? </div>
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It's actually a pretty good metaphor for how I feel these days! </div>
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I had my PET scan on Monday. With Dr. Panwalkar being on vacation, I saw Lori, a nurse practitioner, for my appointment on Tuesday. She has helped me often in the infusion center, checking on me when my infusion nurse, or I have had a concern. </div>
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But everything felt out of place for me yesterday. My appointment had been changed by the infusion center to an afternoon and I couldn't get it changed back to morning this time. So Rick had to leave half way through my appointment. But Lori was honest in saying she simply didn't have enough experience in reading PET scans to truly tell me much of anything that day. While some changes in the scan from 3 months ago, are evident in the scan on Monday, just how much change is the biggest question. Plus, my platelets were too low yesterday and I wouldn't qualify for any infusion treatment. </div>
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The report by the radiologist had enough questions in it, that nothing was very conclusive and Lori felt it would be best to wait for Dr. Panwalkar to return from his trip next week to see me- hopefully. He returns to work next Tuesday, and his schedule will likely be daunting. Yet they said they would try to get me squeezed in. So much, is simply out of my hands. I hardly know what to do.</div>
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In the meantime we are in the process of getting me set up for a kidney stent replacement again. Its hard to fathom its been 3 months since the last one and on November 2nd, I'll be having yet another stent replacement day surgery- but this time at the new hospital which I haven't seen as of yet.</div>
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So I'm kind of in limbo. Both physically, and emotionally. I'm clinging to today and focusing on all that I can do right now, and trying hard not to focus on what lies ahead, or doesn't. I simply don't know. My outside and my inside simply don't match. </div>
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Yet as much as I am in today, the future calls to me to engage, to plan, to dream. Plus, having so many of you showing up and sending me such thoughtful responses to my last blog post helps me fill with hope and keep my eyes seeking the future, as uncertain as it is, for all of us really.</div>
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A couple of my cousins and their daughters came to visit me last week. They brought warmth, laughter and a sense of family back to me, which meant so much. But they also brought the gift of a battery-charged heated coat! The battery attaches in the back in a small pocket and the buttons shown on the front help you regulate the amount of heat that is generated. </div>
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How cool is that! Its perfect for the rink and I'm longing to be able to try it! </div>
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Thank you Mary, Jackie, Nichole, and Brook- and the whole Brainerd crew! </div>
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We also have a wonderful neighbor who offered to cook some casseroles for us once a week. She offered to use my tuna noodle casserole recipe, and Colton is pretty over the moon to know whats coming. Plus so many who have also brought other meals, and come to visit and have simply helped us feel supported, and valued and loved. Its those very things that help me yearn for all the tomorrows, knowing that He has this. He has me. He has our family in the palm of his hands and he shows us every day that the bottom line is...</div>
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"All shall be well." </div>
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<br />Vickyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02595982706357639001noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4795026946181152215.post-36122988602968782592017-10-12T09:44:00.000-05:002017-10-12T09:44:00.029-05:00Bubba Jack<div style="text-align: center;">
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I haven't used a term of endearment for the boys in ages. It seems lately however, I've been a bit more nostalgic. Colton was such a big baby from birth- we used to call him "Bubba." And with his middle name being Jack, somehow the two were put together and Colton was either Bubba, or Bubby, or Bubba Jack. </div>
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To look at him now, you'd be pretty darn surprised at how round and full his cheeks used to be, and how rolls layered upon rolls of fat surrounded him as a baby. These days he is stick straight up and down- tall and lanky. His goal is to put on more pounds and keep stretching the inches. But its a struggle to keep those pounds on.</div>
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So he was pretty bummed last week when he realized he has lost a few pounds again. Why? He works so hard at eating in a healthy way, but tries to consume large amounts of food on a daily basis. He was pretty frustrated to see the loss. But still, I was unprepared for our conversation to come.</div>
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He came into my room after weighing himself and sighed heavily. "Mom, do you remember when we were little and you used to cook for us?"</div>
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My heart stopped. So much meaning, in such a few short words strung together. How do you even respond? My mind can't accurately even tell me the last time I've cooked a full meal for our family- but it hasn't been years. Yet, this is how he feels? I was so sad to hear him speak his truth.</div>
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I decided to tread lightly and talk about what he missed, and see if him and I could devise a plan to satisfy his desire in some way. I could still cook a full meal, couldn't I? </div>
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The dinner he misses the most? Tuna noodle casserole. I've tweaked the basic recipe over the years to put a layer of browned panko bread crumbs over the top and layers of sharp cheddar cheese. So we made a simple list, and the only thing we needed was a way to get to the grocery store. But Rick and Nolan were gone for fall hockey in the cities, and it wasn't an urgent need to call someone to take us. </div>
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But my Bubba Jack was so earnest in wanting to help. Couldn't he ride his bike to the grocery store? He thought so carefully about all the details and knew he could get it done. In fact, what if he and I went together in the car and he drove, and did the shopping so I could rest in the car? Could he pay for it on his own? Could he get his own debit card? He lit up with all the ways he could make it happen with a bare amount of help from me. </div>
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I sit in these moments lately and cannot always keep my composure. He could feel so cheated of what he doesn't have, in so many ways. Of wanting something so basic, yet a true challenge of sorts when your mom is fully in the grips of living with cancer every day. But what he shows me? Is that he will find a way to thrive, with or without me. I simply want to know, both my boys will be ok, no matter what lies ahead. </div>
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And Colton rises and meets the challenge. Not ashamed- or embarrassed at how he'll have to be the parent in some ways. My heart feels so full.</div>
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It got too late that day, to make it all happen on the spot. But I was on a mission, with a new found desire to simply provide for my family.</div>
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Sunday afternoon, with all the ingredients that Rick had gone to the store and gathered for me, I assembled everything into the glass bakeware I had dug out of the cupboards. Colton had gone golfing with a friend. The sheer look of joy on his face when he smelled the dinner in the oven as he walked through the door was so fun to witness. I had been on the way to my room to collapse already. I lost myself in the preparation of everything, but as I stood after putting the dish in the oven, I knew I was done. Exhausted. How can something so small, have such a big impact? I don't know that I'll ever have an adequate answer to that question, but its become an every day part of our lives. </div>
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I have to pick and choose, where I spend my time and energy. The basic things can become monumental tasks and consume you for a day. Friday was a trip to Target. Saturday I was able to attend one of Nolan's hockey games here in town. The cold is going to be a huge challenge for me and how it affects my level of pain- so I'm trying to mentally think through how I will maneuver to watch Nolan play this season- but I am determined. </div>
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I've received a booster shot every Tuesday which truly helps me muster a bit more activity and I'm so grateful for that. This coming Monday, I'll have a PET scan, then see the doctor on Tuesday for results, and then hopefully proceed on to infusion of one kind or another- I truly don't know what lies ahead. </div>
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Again- so much will depend on that one little test next Monday. So I'd like to prepare the same way I always do. Can I take a list of your prayers requests with me? I'll pray, repeatedly, for whatever may be on your heart! Please leave requests below in the comments! </div>
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Thank you for showing up here, and reading, and letting me know I'm not doing this alone. The little things you all do continue to have such a big impact on me- they're not so very little at all anymore. </div>
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Vickyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02595982706357639001noreply@blogger.com42tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4795026946181152215.post-78717587684045347562017-09-21T14:33:00.002-05:002017-09-21T14:33:47.680-05:00Updates and blessings<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The beautiful art piece above was sent to me this summer in a gift that blessed me so. I put it on a bookshelf next to where I sit in my recliner most days, surrounded by gifts that continue to uplift me so. Thank you again, Linda! </div>
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I have felt as though I'm wrapped in a blanket of blessings lately. My prayer for this Tuesday was a simple, "help me be open." Tuesday, September 19th, already had a mighty tug on my heart. My Dad, who passed away 8 years ago, would have turned 88 years old that day. Warm memories of him followed my steps as I prepared to go to Roger Maris for chemo treatment, along with an appointment to see Dr. Panwalkar. I was truly a bundle of nerves. </div>
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I was so pleased to be able to walk on my own. I stepped into the building and instantly saw the new lobby open off to my left. It was now empty of all chairs around the reception area, and I felt like a new patient figuring out how to navigate this new arrangement. The new waiting area in the lobby is beautifully done, and the windows bring such light into the room. Its still a work in progress, but I think it will be great when the small details are figured out. </div>
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After my labs were drawn I had an hour to sit and wait until I saw Dr. Panwalkar. As I stood watching for Rick by the front door, I saw a familiar face approaching. Kevin Wallevand, the reporter from WDAY who had so beautifully shared my breast cancer story last March, had just finished another story and was leaving. It was so fortuitous that I ran into him. It felt like we picked up the conversation right where we left off last spring. It was a wonderful encounter and helped flood me with warmth moving into the day ahead.</div>
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It wasn't long and Rick and I were taken to exam room 7. For some reason, as humid and warm as it was the other day, the air conditioning felt unusually cold and my fingernails were turning blue. A warm blanket was brought to me and I huddled down into the warmth as Dr. Panwalkar strode into the room. </div>
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He dove right into asking me all the basic questions about how I had tolerated treatment last time and how I was feeling. He noticed how cold I was and he chuckled at how it might be an early "long johns" season for me. He also said my body is so thin and has had so much treatment, it will likely not be able to regulate temperature very well anymore. </div>
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He then turned and faced the computer. He hesitated before he showed me my lab results. My counts were once again low. Too low for chemo, so another booster shot was in order. I have been going into infusion weekly for a booster shot to help keep my counts high enough to continue chemo. But last week my counts were so high I didn't have the shot. </div>
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So we figured out a new schedule of both labs and shots, and hopefully I'll be able to do chemo next week. My tumor marker remained the same, but at least it didn't rise. He also indicated it is time for a PET scan and filled out the orders to seek approval from insurance. </div>
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As Dr. P worked on the calendar he mentioned it'll be 4 weeks until he can see me again, as he'll be gone. He grew somewhat quiet before he shared with me he was taking a trip home, to India with his wife and kids. I instantly broke into a big smile. I don't take offense that he will be gone. I instead want to celebrate his time away from work, and time with family. He was wondering aloud if his kids want to see where he went to school as a child, and then where he went to medical school. His smile grew so big as he talked about it. I enthusiastically shook my head yes, and said please take them. I was so happy to chat a bit about family and memories. I shared with him about my own Dad's birthday that day. And then it struck me- I realized how much of Dr. P's compassion and how he steadies me and encourages me so, reminds me of my Dad. It felt like a full-circle kind of moment for me. There is a palpable positive energy that encircles our conversations and it's Rick who points this out to me from an observer's point of view. </div>
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I concluded my day with a booster shot. As I was walking around the corner to leave the infusion center, I ran into one of the volunteers, Sandy.</div>
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Sandy is one of my prayer warriors. She took time off this summer to spend with her family, including a new grand baby. But oh how I missed her. It was pure grace we bumped into each other and she'll be working at the clinic on the days I'll be there. She is a true spiritual mentor for me and I long to catch up with her.</div>
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Looking back on that day, I realize the parting words from my infusion nurse were an apology about keeping me waiting. And on the occasions it happens, I simply shake it off. It's truly in the waiting that I've found a lot of "life" happening, and that I wouldn't want to miss for anything. Being "open" on Tuesday, feels like it helped me to fully receive the blessings that were in waiting to unfold before me. </div>
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I haven't taken a lot of photos these past couple of months. But recently my energy has improved so that I can walk about the house and not feel as though I will get too short of breath, faint, or fall. In fact, I was even able to dress for a family photo with the Stanley Cup when Matt Cullen brought it home for the day. I loved that the boys got to see the cup and play with the Cullen kids before the big party with the cup later that night. It was a memorable day/night for us all, and one of many blessings that has come our way. The below pic was a quick cell phone shot of two very happy boys.</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">One last fun thing to share with you all. The release of the documentary I was so honored to be in, "Part of Me Now, Living With Breast Cancer," is October 1st! It has won so many awards and accolades. It's premiered in France, Italy, Spain, Canada, and other countries, as well as all across the United States. It's also going to be available on online platforms such as "<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> </span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #222222;">iTunes, YouTube Rentals, Vimeo, Amazon Instant, etc., and hopefully Netflix soon. Emily, the Director, Editor, and Producer of this film has done a wonderful job helping us follow the course that this documentary has taken and allowed those of us in this, or connected to it, to follow along.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">A Facebook page with lots of information can be found <a href="https://www.facebook.com/PartOfMeNowFilm/">here</a>. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">A huge part of any donations and funds this documentary will raise, are being donated by Emily to Sanford's Cancer Survivorship Program.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">If you ever want to truly feel what the experience of living with breast cancer is like, this is a very real look, at so many women and a man too, sharing their stories. </span></span></div>
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Thank you all for the continued prayers, uplifting messages, delicious meals, and all the ways you find to help us along this journey. I think we all want to feel like we matter in the end, and as much as you've made me feel like I matter, I pray that you know how much YOU matter as well. Together, continues to be the best way through living with cancer. </div>
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<br />Vickyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02595982706357639001noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4795026946181152215.post-31590357041239858942017-08-24T15:20:00.001-05:002017-08-24T15:20:55.527-05:00snapshot of my days<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I felt like I was in trouble, physically, from the moment I awoke Tuesday morning. That sense can loom over us before we completely understand it- is it fear? Uncertainty? Just what are we feeling? Why?</div>
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I rolled out of bed convinced I'd muster the strength to get through the day. I had labs, then a visit with Dr. P, then off to infusion, and an afternoon visit with our Fourward group. Whew. That is a full day.</div>
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But everything was wonky from the start. I simply couldn't breathe. A step here, and maybe another and I had to sit or everything felt like it was slipping away from me. I was so short of breath, and lightheaded at the same time. Bathing, dressing and getting ready were a tall order.</div>
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So we were running late- I simply had no control over what my body could do. I apologized from the start of arriving at Roger Maris, and the wheelchair was not even questioned but rolled out to me instantly. </div>
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Roger Maris was very accommodating and forgiving of me running behind. I was soon taken back for labs and then taken to Dr. Panwalkar. But the lab was behind too. So when Dr. P walked in the exam room door, he got right down to business.</div>
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"A wheelchair? Why a chair? Oh what is going on with you?" he loudly proclaimed.</div>
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He sat and faced me right away.</div>
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So I told him. How late I had been, and how physically I wasn't feeling well. My breathing, my ability to walk and stand and do anything, truly diminished. I hadn't left the house in 3 weeks. </div>
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Where were those labs? It had been enough time, but they still weren't back.</div>
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Dr. P performed his thorough exam of me like always. Surprisingly my lungs sounded clear and good. I really didn't show many symptoms that explained how I was feeling. The photo of me above, shows how well I can look, even when things on the inside don't match the outside.</div>
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What would tell us the most, were my lab results. The labs just hadn't come through. Dr P needed to move on with his day. </div>
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So Rick maneuvered me out the door and I heard Dr. Panwalkar say, "Oh, I can get her." The next thing I knew, I looked behind and sure enough, Dr. Panwalkar was pushing my wheelchair! In case my adoration of him wasn't as high as it could possibly be, he shows another level of compassion for me. You could say, the picture of me in the wheelchair to him, didn't match my words either, but he went with his heart and treated me like I said I needed. He even took the time to move chairs and steer me perfectly into a waiting room spot to sit and wait. My heart was bursting for all the right reasons.</div>
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Soon, my infusion nurse, Casey, took right over with the deep level of care and concern as we continued to wait for the labs. It was my doctor's nurse, Angela, that brought the final word to me.</div>
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The labs were back and my hemoglobin had fallen to a 5.8! That is low- extremely low. And it completely validated why I felt so lousy! She relayed to me how Dr. Panwalkar looked relieved too. The way I felt and everything I had said matched the results in the blood work. I needed fresh blood- ASAP. They could get me in upstairs, in two hours. I needed to come back in a week to do labs all over again, and see if then I could do chemo. Angela completely understood the range of emotions we were all going through, and went out of her way to help me maneuver it all too. I don't feel like I can ever thank her enough for all she does for me. </div>
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Then Angela saved the best for last- a kernel of the best news possible was buried in the mix of some not so great news. My tumor marker? Had dropped- from 52, all the way down to 40! The chemo is working! We just need to get my body up to a quality that it can take another dose of the chemo. </div>
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The rest of my afternoon, was spent lying in a bed up on the old family birth center floor. I watched tv, rested, and relaxed as the drops of blood started to restore me. Its a feeling of the light coming back on, after the darkness has swallowed you up for far too long. I could breathe. I could walk about. Everything became so easy peasy again- as it should be. Even when Nolan came to take me home from the hospital, he pushed the wheelchair ever so gently, guiding me down to the car. But I felt like I could have walked on my own. </div>
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A wonderful dinner awaited me at home. I did happen to gain 3 pounds and it was all due to the wonderful meals and treats we've received. I've enjoyed the food so much and it truly made a difference in my life! Thank you to all who have done so many things to encourage and uplift my whole family so much.</div>
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I still have a lot of recovery to achieve. My counts need to all go higher before I will be able to do chemo and get all knocked back down again. Most of my time is still spent sitting, or lying down, between my chair and my bed. So I'm doing all I can to just stay in today and make this day count.</div>
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One of the things I've managed to make progress on, with the help of a wonderful friend, is turning this blog, into a book! Without her guidance, her talents, and the her gift of time, this project may never have taken flight. She's managed to wield a kitchen chair, wedged between my bed and a recliner for me, and the weight of many posts from my blog- woven together with her deft hands. She's seen me at my lowest, and always helped me to give my best despite everything. </div>
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We're not quite finished, but we see the completed project on the horizon. </div>
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Love to you all! </div>
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Vickyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02595982706357639001noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4795026946181152215.post-58038773956870753752017-08-11T16:30:00.000-05:002017-08-11T16:30:02.344-05:00life in my days<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I arrived at Roger Maris, on Tuesday, the first day of August. It was one of the valet parking men who opened my door, and for the first time in 6 years after greeting me, wondered if perhaps I might like a wheelchair? I smiled and affirmed that yes, a wheelchair was the safest route for my little chicken legs to go. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">It was a day filled with so many new experiences, amidst so many well known activities I could do in my sleep. Like stepping on the scale before I'm taken back to the exam room. But this time? I see a number I hope not to visit anytime soon. 108. Oh my. It shows, as much as I feel the frailty.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">My blood is drawn and then the wait begins. My tailbone is sore after a few minutes of sitting and I add this to my list of little concerns to address. Yet mostly, I wait to hear what the nurse practitioner I'll see, will address with me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I'm wheeled back into the exam room as my phone starts to ding, alerting me to test results coming back on my labs. I decide to just wait and let Carrie the NP, tell me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Moments later Carrie steps into the exam room and offers a warm hello. She sits down and turns to face me, seeking my eyes, and talking directly to me. She simply wants me to know I'm in charge of how this will go. That she wants to listen to me, and let me dictate how I want things. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Its a new conversation and yet, it truly allows me to follow my heart. I simply tell her these are new unchartered waters for me. They leave me wanting her and my medical providers, like Dr. Panwalkar, to lead me with their experience. I know the decisions are mine to make, but I welcome their wisdom, their perspective, and skill in navigating this new course we're on. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So she smiles and we move right into my lab results. I'm a bit flummoxed by my results. In the extra week I was given to recover- most of my counts had risen into the normal range! I could do chemo! What? I'm instantly struck by the power of prayer. Nothing else can adequately explain how high some of those numbers grew! Just hearing that tiny bit of news was enough for me to say yes, I would do another round of chemo. Relief flooded through me. While I still have some lower counts, that leave me a little lightheaded and dizzy when I move at times, Carrie felt with time some of those counts may still climb as well. The rest of the exam went by quickly. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">The chemo dose was reduced a slight amount, but the second infusion of Carboplatin and Herceptin went well. With steroids in my system, the yucky side effects didn't show up for a few days. But I also had just the right meds to help me combat them. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So how am I doing? Overall, I think I'm slowly starting to recover. I have had a few days with pain that was hard to manage, but through the Grace of God I somehow made it through. I can readily admit I have cried, and surrendered, and shouted when I need to. And I'll see Dr. Panwalkar on the 22nd and will ask for his advice on what I can take to help get me through days like that. But after a few rough times, steadily the days have gone better.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I started reading more. I'm hungry for some good reading suggestions. I've also started eating more. Thanks to all who have so generously cooked and served a meal to us, we're so grateful. I always feel the love sprinkled in with all the comfort and nourishment the food provides. It truly makes a difference in our lives and I am always seeking my own ways to pay it forward in some small way. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">As hard as this has been on the boys, our bond just strengthens with time. They check in with me often, and help with everything from getting me meds to laying in bed watching tv with me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">My phone bings and bleeps with texts and emails- so many wonderful friends just checking in with me. And so many others sharing encouraging words with Rick to bring home to me-my blessings overflow. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">And I've opened the door to my home, and my bedroom, where friends have come and chatted the hours away. We just set something up in advance and they text before they come over. It uplifts me so to have these face to face interactions, with so many going out of their way to offer support to us.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>Vickyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02595982706357639001noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4795026946181152215.post-50833113837838480132017-08-01T08:22:00.000-05:002017-08-01T08:22:19.100-05:00A small update<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I hardly know where to begin. I've tried so many times to get an update out to my dear readers, but I haven't found the best way in order to do so. </div>
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In a nutshell, here is what has happened. </div>
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I've been in and out of the hospital- 11 days total. </div>
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We simply couldn't find a method to use to update my blog in the hospital. I also couldn't manage with my phone. I had to rely on Facebook, knowing so many readers aren't necessarily connected to me in that way. </div>
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I've been home now for almost a week. Some strength returning, from a bout with a complicated infection which had me knocked down pretty good.</div>
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I even got to spend my 50th birthday in the very hospital I was born. I don't recommend my venue, although the company I had was great. My brother, Lee, flew in with my niece, Alex, to surprise me. But boy did I surprise him/them. I had been admitted just hours after he left Pennsylvania. The look of shock on both our faces as he walked into my room at the hospital was possibly priceless. I can say, the best gift, was time spent face to face, one on one, just talking with Lee, and truly all of my guests. Alex, my niece, was also a trooper and sheer delight to spend time with. </div>
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The other guests we had were Rick's brother, Matt, his wife Julie, and their 3 kids. My boys were in cousin heaven! I was so grateful for the time they had together, despite the fact I could not see the younger kids. </div>
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At some point in my first hospitalization, we figured out the infection I had, was most likely coming from my kidney stent. The same day, I was taken into surgery by Dr. Williams who had placed my first stent. The very next day after surgery my counts rose enough for me to go home.</div>
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Even though, less than 24 hours later, I had another bout with chills, then fever. I was readmitted that Friday night.</div>
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So many blessed events had already occurred- and they just seemed to continue. Friday night as I sat at the clinic, I was given a direct admission from the Oncologist on call so that I could bypass the ER. Dr. Panwalkar had already prepared him for the fact I may be calling him. Plus, I also found out, the next day, Dr. P was on-call and I would see him both Saturday and Sunday.</div>
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It truly seems that, for all those who prayed for me, every prayer felt like it was heard and answered. My care was first rate while I was at Sanford. From garnering a private room, to Dr. Panwalkar coming each and every day to see me, I felt watched over. I had a wonderful view of downtown Fargo, with an entire wall of windows to see out. I could see two beautiful churches and even hear the bells ring in one of them. I watched many sunrises, and sunsets. I could go on and on.</div>
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No it wasn't all easy. It was truly hard and difficult. I surrendered to so many new things, over and over again. </div>
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But here I am. Still praying that whatever His purpose for my life might be, that somehow I fulfill that. </div>
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I will be having blood work again today. Then I will see a nurse practitioner, and we will decide if my counts are high enough to do a lower dose of the chemo I had July 5th. I'm in a bit of a pickle. The last thing I want to do is feel sick again, as I slowly start to feel better. But with the new growth in cancer that showed up, I truly need that chemo to help me fend off that cancer. </div>
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I simply don't know what is in store for me. Neither does Dr. P, or any of the medical community. My focus is narrowed to staying within each day and making the most I can out of that. </div>
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The question I hear most often? What can I do for you? I'm so touched... it's simply this:</div>
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Will you all keep holding me up in prayer? A few things on my heart: </div>
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I'm a little lightheaded and my legs feel as though they can go right out from under me- I don't want to fall. </div>
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My blood counts, both my platelets and my hemoglobin as well as my white blood cells are low and could use a boost. </div>
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My boys and their precious hearts and minds are often burdened and sad- they just need to know in their hearts they will get through this no matter what.</div>
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Superman has been my superhero- and he also simply needs to know he has continuously met all of my needs and I'm in awe of his commitment and compassion. Its ok for him to let others help, too.</div>
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I'm deeply indebted to you all! Will do my best to get an update out at some point. </div>
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~all shall be well~</div>
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<br />Vickyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02595982706357639001noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4795026946181152215.post-36117673375565578612017-06-20T11:44:00.000-05:002017-06-20T11:44:28.271-05:00The storm<div style="text-align: center;">
At a time when I couldn't possibly articulate what the past few weeks have been like- I stumbled across this video and feel it delivers, powerfully, what living with stage iv cancer feels like. It's two minutes of a poem, read by a man, with images that marry the words well.</div>
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Type, delete. Try again. These words? No. Definitely not. Try again. And again... and...<br />
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So many times the past few weeks I've sat here trying to figure out something to say. To me, there is no clear answer to how I am doing. I have figured out in a way, how to look ok when I'm in public, or with friends, visitors, etc., for short durations of time. I can muster something, from somewhere, that has a semblance of "oh, she is doing just fine." <br />
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But am I? I don't know. <br />
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I saw Dr. Panwalkar about two weeks ago. He noticed the sound of more fluid in my lungs, but not to the point of needing to drain them yet. He also said my blood counts had really bottomed out, so he was going to try something I haven't done in 6 years- ever. He wanted me to have a Neulasta shot, a week after chemo. I was told the scale they use for the bone pain you may feel from the shot, goes from "general aches in the bones"- all the way up to "bone-crushing pain." Oh my!<br />
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But, Neulasta has the power to regenerate those healthy blood cells that you need to restore your immune system and keep your counts high enough to do the next chemo treatment. <br />
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So last week, I dragged myself into the clinic for my shot. I could feel my counts were low already, after that first week of treatment. Plus, we increased my dose of Doxil. So I was chronically battling taking a deep breath. That dry, hacking, cough I had years ago when my lung tumors were growing, is back in full force. My heart races- despite the Metoprolol I take for it. Thankfully, the shot slipped into the muscle in the back of my arm, and truly was a breeze. A bit of aching, and some tenderness in the small of my back, but really, not too bad overall.<br />
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And I'm learning to just live with the constant ache in my side. Morphine takes the edge off enough, and we'll bump it up if need be- but then my already foggy head, may not really work much at all. For now? I'll just be ok with where I am. Um, mostly ok.<br />
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Because some days? I truly wonder how I'll manage whatever lies ahead. I have those days where I can just "go" and "do" and "be." Yet, other days? On Father's Day, just hours after getting out of bed- I went back. I was nauseous and hungry. I couldn't breathe, but boy could I cough. I was tired, but couldn't sleep. I was miserable. And I was mentally just done. I sent the men off for a Father's day lunch at the lake and some time for fishing. Surely, I could muster a few hours alone?<br />
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Uff da. I just couldn't, after all. Between the dog demands, and trying to find some food, and little everyday things, I was gassed- back to bed, every time. Shortly after they returned home, and I requested some food- when I couldn't even form the words to tell them what I could eat? I burst into tears... and then sobbed. And sobbed. It had been a very long time. And Superman, held me again, and let me- let go. <br />
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I had earnestly prayed on and off all day. I simply needed Him to know, I'd go if he asked. Was this what He has been leading me too? But I'd stay and live out His way for me- I just needed a little something. Anything- to help me through. I was deeply surrendered.<br />
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We were all spent that night, and tumbled into bed early. My sleep meds kicked in and I slept well.<br />
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It was the early morning sun bursting through my window that awakened me yesterday. I moved over into the recliner in our bedroom, and was struck by how my breath stayed with me. I took my meds, and moments later, also noticed my heart slowing down for the first time in a long time. <br />
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And then that smell tickled my nose. Freshly. Brewed. Coffee. It smelled wonderful for the first time in a long time! Thank you, God! I sipped and sipped, most of it, and enjoyed it. The light, that seemed to be flickering off in the distance, was starting to steady itself. <br />
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"This"- whatever you call it- "this" is exactly what I've yearned for- longed for. Just a little bit of me, returning to me. <br />
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This Thursday I will have a Pet scan at 3 pm at Roger Maris. Next Monday, I will have a Brain MRI at 2pm. <br />
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How can I pray for you? I will bring lists with me to the clinic in the hours of wait time, and sedation time I will have. Focusing on YOU, truly helps me. <br />
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My gratitude continues to fill and spill, when the distant hum of life beats at my front door. <br />
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My love and blessings to you all. <br />
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Thank you for even just showing up here!<br />
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Vickyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02595982706357639001noreply@blogger.com53tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4795026946181152215.post-53938715352264560392017-05-26T15:12:00.002-05:002017-05-26T15:12:54.922-05:00...become a lake<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; letter-spacing: 0px;">-from an aging Hindu master taken from Mark Nepo, <i>The Book of Awakening</i></span></div>
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As I look at this pic of me, and I sit trying to cobble together some words, I think, how the heck was this just merely a week ago? I was all scrub-faced, cleansed, and ready to go into surgery. They'd be coming for the "walk" soon. You don't often see people walking to the OR by themselves. But as long as you can move under your own power, why not? So not only do you walk into the OR on your own, but you also place yourself on the table. I had to keep scootching myself down the table to get in just the right spot. Then they grabbed the line accessing my port and gave me a little "Mai Tai party concoction" to put me in twilight land... except my tolerance has grown... so we chatted a bit more before I clunked out. </div>
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Waking up is always a sketchy experience to me. I feel like I've gone somewhere, and I'm trying to "come back" but where the heck am I again? I just feel shooting pain, and my words will only come out, one at a time. So I say "Pain, pain, pain... there... as I poke the right side of my stomach." They ask what it is on the pain scale and I say, 9? 9? 9? My thoughts perseverate... until suddenly I start to relax into my recliner, and I calmly say, "8," just once, and slowly smile. </div>
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I hear someone say, "thank goodness, she got a lot of fentanyl, and should be good for quite awhile."</div>
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I smile again and shake my head up and down, "7," I say and smile. </div>
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But just as suddenly my stomach churns and my eyes grow big as I say,</div>
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"Vomit....ohhhh vomit, quick."</div>
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My nurse, thankfully is more than quick! She grabs the plastic green bag, and just as quickly cracks open a vial of peppermint oil with jojoba. She runs it past my nose a couple of times, and then lays in on my chest, so that I continue to breathe it in. And it works!! Slowly my stomach calms and as I feel like I'm drifting off to sleep, they say. "So are you ready for toast? If you can eat, you'll be able to go home soon!" </div>
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But the thought of the nausea has stayed with me, and an emphatic "no," comes out. Yet barely a few minutes pass, and she mentions toast with jelly, or peanut butter, or honey... and she has me at honey.</div>
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Best toast I've tasted in awhile. </div>
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Not long after that, I'm off to the restroom with help from my nurse. I'm definitely sore. And the color is tinged with blood, but I otherwise feel ok. Sleepy, and ready for a nap, but doing ok.</div>
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I sit again, and my blood pressure reading sets the monitor off. Its low, very low. I'll be sitting awhile longer and getting some fluids in.</div>
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But its really just a few hours and suddenly I'm given the ok to go home! </div>
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Is it a little sad to say, going to DQ after surgery has become a tradition? Hehe. Well, then so be it. I just wanted a vanilla malt. I could hardly keep my eyes open, but I could drink, and the sweet and sticky ice cream put me right in touch with joy again. The blue sky, with the sunshine peeking through the clouds didn't hurt either. I think of the quote- and the sky has me visualizing waves of a lake. </div>
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I arrived home around dinner time and my friend Sue brings dinner all ready to eat. Thank you, Sue! The boys ate, and I crashed. I slept deep. I slept long. I shut out the world, despite the dings from my phone. Everyone offered to silence my phone. But those dings? Are music to my ears. Each one a prayer, a hopeful message, love coming through, so many words, from so many people, and it makes me feel less broken somehow. Its like dipping my toes into the cool water of the lake.</div>
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Later that night, my friend Anne brings these beautiful pink flowers to set on my chair on my front porch. I do it every year, and when it sat empty for awhile, she thought of the nicest thing to brighten my day. She stays a good hour or so, and I am still pain free and doing pretty well.</div>
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A few days after that, these arrived! Another planter, perfect for my deck in the back. Thank you to the Cheney family! And yes... I found the...</div>
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Inchworm! Isn't he cute- so fun to turn the pot around and suddenly see these two big eyes on an inch worm staring up at you!</div>
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We're simply blessed, and abundance pours through our door. When your church friends, make a hot dish and bake brownies and just bring it humbly to your door- I can't say thank you enough. Its comfort food, that nourishes our bellies and again, glues a few more bits of those broken places together. Its also expanding the lake. Thank you to the Narum family- you blessed us more than I can possibly say.</div>
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My thinking starts to change, I notice. Because I'm human, and I wonder how much more I can do sometimes? I'm hunched over, gripping my sides as I try to walk before I run out of breath. I have just little tufts of hair sticking up everywhere- more white than golden brown. Oh how I've aged. I feel it everywhere in my body- I'm uncomfortable at times, and pain-filled at others. </div>
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But He calls me to do, and go through, and then He shows up- in the food, and the gifts, and the people who call or leave messages, or give our son a ride. How can I NOT do this? </div>
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And this last card, was just the word I needed to grip. Plus the scripture inside?</div>
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<i>Luke 1:37</i></div>
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<i>For with God nothing shall be impossible.</i></div>
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Thank you to the Weiss family who brought the most soft hat to wear from an Etsy site called Hoodawear. Hooda is soft, cute, and so comfortable to wear. </div>
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I haven't gotten photos of everything. My auntie made food that reminded me so much of my Grandma- as much as I miss my mom, Marny and Carol, my mom's sisters have both come for an afternoon of visits. The facial expressions, the mannerisms, the words, the laughs- it brings my mother to me and I feel so comforted by just that.</div>
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So I'm going to a graduation party or two tonight. I'm going to try to get out a bit, and enjoy seeing friends, and having some yummy food. Then we'll be gone for a few days- while Grandpa comes to stay with Crosby we hope. </div>
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In another week I'll see Dr. Panwalkar and we'll see how I am doing. I had no symptoms before I had surgery, and I don't have any now. I have no way to gauge how I am doing? So I'll just go along with good. I'm good, and that's all that really matters. My "sense of things" sure has grown, and I am trying to be the best lake I can be. </div>
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So grateful you all have become my tribe- and help me warrior on- in more ways than you could possibly know! </div>
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<br />Vickyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02595982706357639001noreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4795026946181152215.post-80702637752439896662017-05-17T16:43:00.002-05:002017-05-18T14:57:04.688-05:00Hoping... and a prayer request<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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For those that don't get the Facebook posts: This is Rick: Vicky's surgery went well and the stent is in place between the kidney and bladder. We are hoping this will help her regain kidney function. She is back home now and resting, hoping for a quick recovery. We all thank you so much for your support and prayers - the Westra's.<br />
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<i>"I considered the reality that sometimes suffering comes because of the decisions we make; sometimes it comes as a way for God to gauge His place in our hearts; and sometimes it comes simply as a byproduct in a world that is in a state of falling apart. Yet no matter the origin of suffering, God's presence remains the same. He finds us in our hearts, if we want to be found. His power to filter the worst that life has to offer, with goodness remaining, is our great hope." Jay and Katherine Wolf. Hope Heals. </i></div>
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I've dog eared and underlined so many passages in the book Hope Heals. Katherine and Jay spoke to me in ways that made me again feel as though they had walked a mile in my shoes and could tell parts of my story. Even though she had a stroke, and spent two years living in a brain rehab- the wisdom they garnered breathed life into me. I wanted to lean in closer, and re-read the words, because each time I gathered a bit more I could cling to. </div>
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As I finished the book, I had to ask Him, "What are you preparing me for?" So many long days and nights of one thing or another that has me in an uncomfortable place most of the time- with no easy answers, or quick fixes.</div>
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Its funny how you both know things are changing, and yet have no real idea how it might all play out.</div>
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Like today, when I had to go in for a renal scan just to keep an eye on what my kidneys were doing. No big deal. I'm not nervous, or even sweating it at all. 3 months ago I saw the urologist, and he felt we should do a baseline scan of my kidneys and then repeat them every 3 months. But somehow, I got sick and couldn't make it in. And I dropped the ball. I didn't reschedule.</div>
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So there was nothing to compare this scan to...</div>
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And yet..</div>
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Rick came with me today. And got to sit in the room while the scan took pictures for 35 minutes. And he saw that at first? Only 1 kidney showed up.</div>
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Then after they put some lasix in my iv? Suddenly two kidneys showed up, as my bladder filled.</div>
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But after the scan we had two hours until the we saw the doctor for results. </div>
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So we went to Blackbird Woodfire for pizza.</div>
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Its gloomy, windy and quite chilly outside.</div>
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The warmth from the pizza oven pulled us right in and the pizza was delicious. </div>
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In little time we were whisked back to our car by the wind.</div>
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I barely sat down in the waiting room and I was called back to see Dr. W.</div>
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He just blurted it all out instantly. As he flipped on the screen to show me the scan, he said I have my left kidney functioning at 75 percent, while the right kidney only functions at 25 percent.</div>
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He was sparse with his words, and I was trying to connect the dots. </div>
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I finally said, "ok, if you were to put this in a category of little, or moderate, or 'oh its bad,' where am I at?</div>
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And without hesitation, he said "severe." You are in sever kidney failure and if we don't correct it, you will lose the function of your kidney. Then the bigger issue? How long can the other one work? And how much chemo will it be able to process? </div>
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So my options? Are to do nothing... or have him put a stent in.</div>
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Dr. W had already in our last appointment told me he dislikes the stent option. They're painful, they can cause infections, and the list goes on and on. Plus you have to replace them every 3 months.</div>
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But what I really needed to know? What would Dr. P say?</div>
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I love doctors who say, "well why don't I just call him?"</div>
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So he did!! Dr. W grabbed his cell phone, and within a few rings he is talking to Dr. P. </div>
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And when he gets to the part about the stent?</div>
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I hear a resounding YES, lets do the stent. No hesitation. He is hopeful my new drug will work and we need that kidney to perform better. He has hope. </div>
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So I smile as I say after they hang up, "So I guess we'll be doing surgery!"</div>
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And again he floors me, and says, "Yes, how about tomorrow?"</div>
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I guess "severe," goes hand in hand with "surgery tomorrow."</div>
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So at 9:15 am, I am set to go to the Same Day Surgery unit to have a stent put into my right kidney. Its a short procedure, and if all goes well I should be able to go home tomorrow. </div>
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Would you all pray for me? That the stent placement goes well. That with a compromised immune system, I don't garner any infection. And that "all shall be well." We have some teary-eyed boys in our house, can we be gentle with them? </div>
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I'm still filled with hope. Will you join me in believing too?</div>
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I'm closing this post with pics I meant to share a long time ago. Nolan, with his sweet new friend, Taylor. She was, simply stunning, the night of prom. They made such a great couple. </div>
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And she has been a wonderful guest at our house. </div>
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We had a hint of spring that day... and it left us with just enough hope that we will enjoy more blue skies in the days ahead.</div>
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Rick will update everyone on Facebook tomorrow! </div>
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~All shall be well~ </div>
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Love and blessings to you all! </div>
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<br />Vickyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02595982706357639001noreply@blogger.com23tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4795026946181152215.post-10864650116229339482017-04-21T15:39:00.003-05:002017-04-21T15:39:55.174-05:00Ob la di... life goes on<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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After I had my PET scan on a Friday, it was early the next week I received a call from Dr. Panwalkar. Progression, was the gist of the call, my cancer had progressed, some areas worse than others- and one area in my right lung actually showed some improvement. But it was evident I needed to change treatment, and we had spent ample time deciding which one I would do. </div>
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I'll get to that in just a bit...</div>
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Because really? It isn't where my focus lies these days. I've detached a bit. I simply don't know, can't know- do I even want to know(?) what lies ahead? I have eyes for the here. For the now, and the nearly now... just now. </div>
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So what do you do with your time? Well...</div>
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I cooked a meal. We've received way more meals than I can count- every one of them leaving me with the desire to try some new recipes and up my game a little. So I cooked, and the boys loved it. Even though it took my whole day, and we devoured it in minutes. I was so stinkin proud of that one meal. Each day has somehow flown by, and I do little things, which feel so big, when it takes so much for me to do them.</div>
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And all of you? Have found the most unique and clever ways to lift our spirits.</div>
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Like just last night...</div>
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Was that the doorbell? A knock on the door? We heard something in the front of the house... But the fireplace fan was loud in the back of the house and the Penguins were playing- and I was out of bed sitting in the midst of the boys- watching with them.</div>
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So I didn't make it to the door on time...</div>
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But when I peeked outside... my heart stopped when I opened the door and found this!! Ria who took all these photos of us- made us this beautiful canvas. We've had a photo hook, on the wall, empty for the longest time... waiting it seems for this. I moved it to get a picture of it...</div>
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As soon as the boys saw it they laughed and started the "Do you remember?" stories behind all the photos. Remember how the marshmallows were huge! And Colton was giddy over making s'mores. We all loved checking out the grounds of Rustic Oaks. It was such a great night... and Ria captured it all so well. I feel especially honored, when someone uses their talents, to graciously bestow such a gift on us. Thank you,<a href="http://rialeephotography.com/"> Ria</a>! These all breathe such renewed life into me, I can barely describe it.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9ovlFch4N60P5qOfoF-Kiy3c-A4LeLyl_PtPceXpa-9JHnaEvAszyH7E_ue7B2c1hrvoy0sJsLvf4G3-Bh-zEkV3D5MXTHGxVT7u6DmobdXw-78XpL8DYQcmAX0FZxm5qBZQGSjAB9GDS/s1600/IMG_6654-2+copy+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="540" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9ovlFch4N60P5qOfoF-Kiy3c-A4LeLyl_PtPceXpa-9JHnaEvAszyH7E_ue7B2c1hrvoy0sJsLvf4G3-Bh-zEkV3D5MXTHGxVT7u6DmobdXw-78XpL8DYQcmAX0FZxm5qBZQGSjAB9GDS/s640/IMG_6654-2+copy+2.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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I awoke to a special treat Saturday morning. The Narum family brought us home made cinnamon rolls! They were hot and delicious and devoured instantly. I felt so touched they took the time to bless us with such a yummy gift! Thank you Denette and Bill! </div>
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We had a pretty low-key Easter. As much as I longed to go to church and have a simple meal later at home, Grandpa Jim needed Rick and the boys at the lake. He sold his lake home in Park Rapids and has limited time to finish clearing out all of the rest of the stuff in the garages. </div>
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I was too weak to go to the lake, and to tired to even get myself to church, so I spent a quiet day at home. It was just a few days past my Mother's 2nd year anniversary of her going to her heavenly home, and I was pretty melancholy. I had even wanted to get some Easter things for the boys- who just didn't want anything. I think I realized I wanted it more for myself, than anything. I was so happy to have the boys all return home that night...</div>
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It was the very next day when the doorbell rang again. It was a box... and the return address said Washington... and my heart started to beat just a little faster, and the tears finally fell. If Linda only knew how much she "mothers me," just when I seem to need it most. How did she so adequately send me so many of my favorite things? Colton too- danced his victory dance upon seeing the sparkling cider. Words of hope for me to hear, and to read with my eyes, and treats to taste- life-giving for sure. </div>
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Thank you, Linda- its the sort of thing both my mom, and Rick's mom would have done for us- we miss them so- and you somehow gave us just the light we needed! You're pure gift to me- and I treasure you so!</div>
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My friend Bonnie sent this home with Nolan and I clung to that message for days. I had truly been anxious and nervous about starting another new chemo and I loved the message that rang so true in this scripture. So thankful Bonnie!</div>
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The flowers came with a scrumptious meal- and while the enchiladas were devoured in short order? The flowers are still going strong! I will always love having fresh flowers around. Thank you, Steph- you always get it just right!! </div>
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When my friend Roxane came to visit, she gifted me with both chia tea, and this beautiful rosary! I have always wanted to know how to pray the rosary, and this helps so much. I have the rosary near my desk and love the weight of it in my hands, and seeing it glisten when the sunlight hits it just right. So thankful for your thoughtfulness, Roxane! </div>
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So here I am last week. Having my first round of "red." I was so nervous, and yet, somehow, through the grace of God, it went so smoothly. I had steroids, and then the chemo. I spent nearly the next 3 days in a jittery, high-energy, state of being. But I didn't feel too sick, or too anything really. A little more pain when I was maybe a little too ambitious with some cleaning... but overall, not too bad... until...</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7uUPrRvKpNJkM5F5IDJ9ohGkHI00Q_-DRNK8mPDIzvxNuYRH201Wd0BIuyUVOuu70Ze0OzQKZ-lZP6xJi3Lm8mRYBr4KE7hp9WdaWghmphCuK-mPlEupBGdneuMYi9dp9ar6XV2QuGBoq/s1600/IMG_6626+copy+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7uUPrRvKpNJkM5F5IDJ9ohGkHI00Q_-DRNK8mPDIzvxNuYRH201Wd0BIuyUVOuu70Ze0OzQKZ-lZP6xJi3Lm8mRYBr4KE7hp9WdaWghmphCuK-mPlEupBGdneuMYi9dp9ar6XV2QuGBoq/s640/IMG_6626+copy+2.jpg" width="626" /></a></div>
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My hair fell out! So fast! It truly went from being on the thin side, to clumps falling everywhere. And once again, God's grace rained down, as I just so happened to have a hair appointment scheduled for yesterday. So sweet Amanda chopped my hair. And shaved it in places. And carefully left some hair in places where it may grow in? Or it may all continue to fall out, as it is still doing.</div>
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So meet my new hairpiece! I was so truly uplifted again, to know I had something to go to. It fit perfectly, and simply reminds me of the hair I had once upon a time. Its so soft, and healthy! To all the wonderful women who contributed to the purchase of this beautiful piece of "real" hair, I'm humbled beyond words. Since Stella has been retired, I need a new name for this piece. Ideas anyone?</div>
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I could literally go on... with pictures of the beautiful cards sent. The gorgeous daily devotional that came in the mail. The lovely visits I've had from so many... so many things... </div>
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I have a hard time truly understanding all of this... I'm keeping it pretty simple...</div>
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A memory came up on Facebook from after I was first diagnosed... one night a bunch of hockey moms had gathered, in my honor, and somehow we ended up doing karaoke at a local pub... I had used this phrase... so we sang the song that night. And its stayed with me ever since... </div>
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Ob La Di Ob La Da... life goes on...</div>
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With gratitude and love to you all... </div>
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Vickyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02595982706357639001noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4795026946181152215.post-28354186218162044272017-04-05T12:25:00.000-05:002017-04-05T12:32:20.329-05:00after all the words...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I've been longing for some clarity, and ability to sit comfortable, and write to my heart's content. The urgency on so many levels enshrouds me- how can I not write it all down per usual? Yet, I feel disappointed when first days go by, then suddenly its weeks, and that chunk of me that is expressed through writing? Is stumped, and stifled in some way. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhs4bD16N6aLfk-l1CX2-5ThyphenhyphensDguuhEnlJP1A6QRj2oba0povm2SszR5VJTM4J59rSsRUuMUjGy0CpxkAMO172k-M6VQwVx4EtAb41yD7DKaquduz_NzuutE04gukOu5MaZdjSXNOzCbO9/s1600/Screen+Shot+2017-04-04+at+2.29.51+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhs4bD16N6aLfk-l1CX2-5ThyphenhyphensDguuhEnlJP1A6QRj2oba0povm2SszR5VJTM4J59rSsRUuMUjGy0CpxkAMO172k-M6VQwVx4EtAb41yD7DKaquduz_NzuutE04gukOu5MaZdjSXNOzCbO9/s640/Screen+Shot+2017-04-04+at+2.29.51+PM.png" width="506" /></a></div>
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So I'm just going to try. I'm standing by the water with my toe hovering inches from the edge, wondering if it'll be too cold? Will it be rocky and I'll slip? Will my feet cramp? This isn't really me- I simply know if I'm at the edge of any body of water- in is the only way to go. So this is me - jumping right in.</div>
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I saw Dr. P yesterday and the first thing he asked me was about the tv story! So here is the link to the WDAY story as promised many moons ago. It was a precursor to our spectacular week of hockey.</div>
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Kevin Wallevand is a gifted reporter. I think he and the photojournalist, Devin Krinke spent nearly 2 hours interviewing me. Then Devin spent 7 hours, editing all the content down into the beautiful story. I'm in awe of the sheer magnitude of their talents and work! And shaking my head- they picked me- still humbles me to this day. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPHOJhUPLqjT2tyBi9nK7mMrQzFv_ueYgbjnjo_mkLN9Vv6PmFEEOuDQKaH-58NXHZN3HqnLqqjiXGaa1IY8xWXXYvQ9I67NSMZ3bxqdp2fdu3vVjxpAxXLL_8KTRqozIaRLP31lPYeUz0/s1600/Screen+Shot+2017-03-22+at+1.27.34+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPHOJhUPLqjT2tyBi9nK7mMrQzFv_ueYgbjnjo_mkLN9Vv6PmFEEOuDQKaH-58NXHZN3HqnLqqjiXGaa1IY8xWXXYvQ9I67NSMZ3bxqdp2fdu3vVjxpAxXLL_8KTRqozIaRLP31lPYeUz0/s640/Screen+Shot+2017-03-22+at+1.27.34+PM.png" width="392" /></a></div>
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WDAY story here: <a href="http://www.wday.com/news/4231432-moorhead-hockey-mom-puts-cancer-treatment-hold-attend-state-tournament">Moorhead Hockey Mom Puts Cancer Treatment on Hold to Attend State Hockey Tournament.</a><br />
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The outpouring of support and love we felt was immense. They even ran the story again as the first story of the newscast at 10 o'clock that night. I was already in the midst of hockey in St. Paul, so I didn't see the story as it happened- only much later when a link was provided. But then I started receiving texts from people in the Minneapolis area telling me the story was running locally too. So cool! I love that it highlighted our hockey community to an even broader audience. </div>
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So lets get to the main event- truly these are just a few photos from our spectacular weekend at the State Hockey Tournament. Here is a pic of all the moms who wore their sons jerseys and we were gathering while waiting to see our boys. Are those faces not beaming? Sheer happiness, that I don't think any of us will soon forget.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitxpySJYlsDyDrfjjrRR7rEhBOxDz3-wxE_ULTBepWJ_Fn-8pU2HPHthaURDj9De1_9TLJHhc8u4MEPsZNSsrPe_Jyi1Oqb88vaaFV83p4oga5vLABrhWgJId133bAfl4rRxPIx4hRhTOo/s1600/IMG_6537+copy+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="394" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitxpySJYlsDyDrfjjrRR7rEhBOxDz3-wxE_ULTBepWJ_Fn-8pU2HPHthaURDj9De1_9TLJHhc8u4MEPsZNSsrPe_Jyi1Oqb88vaaFV83p4oga5vLABrhWgJId133bAfl4rRxPIx4hRhTOo/s640/IMG_6537+copy+2.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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This was the first night, at the Xcel Energy Center. There's Nolan, putting out the back of his hand to give a high five to whoever the young boy is reaching out his hand. Its surreal as a mom to see him being the one sought after because it's the very thing we've watched him do for so many years. And my husband who has had the pleasure of shooting pics at the Xcel for years, knows just where to go to get the best shots.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgr4Yeoy2SLsF_j5q4zmKDiwGIcI-j2eFJK22UHkHIWbxAbV6lAS8ok_i8hhBpUQkUhZopau671lbCa0aa2QZJN00uk3c-TLXU2L68fgkuLerVIZi9OrcNDdqbDzoDG24DsgM6louoC83eO/s1600/Screen+Shot+2017-03-27+at+1.14.35+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgr4Yeoy2SLsF_j5q4zmKDiwGIcI-j2eFJK22UHkHIWbxAbV6lAS8ok_i8hhBpUQkUhZopau671lbCa0aa2QZJN00uk3c-TLXU2L68fgkuLerVIZi9OrcNDdqbDzoDG24DsgM6louoC83eO/s640/Screen+Shot+2017-03-27+at+1.14.35+PM.png" width="536" /></a></div>
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Then there is this... the first night when the players get introduced before the start of the game... the camera zooms in tight on their face, and so many of our boys said hi to Mom, and Dad, or Grandpa and Grandma- I have yet to actually hear Nolan- and yet I was told he said hi to his mom. But watching it in person, was the best possible experience ever.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOMqoEQMge-yzPn29Ta5kdvAU_5y9Z-6-M6tmNJFEChMbXB1vMWwDrvarNIfIYkUKTlKnikt9NkePFk_cjGuscWvByuz8mpjUyJAlgw7y0cyJzP7UUgvMuhp78q5bM5MlLplRaNINMOc2U/s1600/IMG_6551+copy+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOMqoEQMge-yzPn29Ta5kdvAU_5y9Z-6-M6tmNJFEChMbXB1vMWwDrvarNIfIYkUKTlKnikt9NkePFk_cjGuscWvByuz8mpjUyJAlgw7y0cyJzP7UUgvMuhp78q5bM5MlLplRaNINMOc2U/s640/IMG_6551+copy+2.jpg" width="480" /></a></div>
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There goes our number 7! </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtdy0Bc8-0mT8W0ok3s_QNyLCs8nZjxt4Svm_b53X18ulFJlE73fy11J6t925GlGzluLSjKsCZDW8grkTWIAfz9HOvrzSa0aZvaJeld4VxQpl_46w3xvI0YHQE-3dJt2t44ITDotw9wCz5/s1600/Screen+Shot+2017-03-22+at+1.37.12+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="500" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtdy0Bc8-0mT8W0ok3s_QNyLCs8nZjxt4Svm_b53X18ulFJlE73fy11J6t925GlGzluLSjKsCZDW8grkTWIAfz9HOvrzSa0aZvaJeld4VxQpl_46w3xvI0YHQE-3dJt2t44ITDotw9wCz5/s640/Screen+Shot+2017-03-22+at+1.37.12+PM.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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How cool is that to score a goal in front of a sea of orange! The arena was packed! The far biggest crowd our boys have ever played for! Each game had around 19,000 fans! </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDWc3xqcx5hOV5392Rb11huIbf7TOSvxMx2fdp8ErrPAGG3kFi7MuRSH6cYwJAvw7sSbG4vamuf7tbR5lPo29YpjAfIqs3YZfPGvej0EyHuWeZyUuXu1sXXXUbGwEVgO_MECLiWr136ya8/s1600/Screen+Shot+2017-03-22+at+1.37.44+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDWc3xqcx5hOV5392Rb11huIbf7TOSvxMx2fdp8ErrPAGG3kFi7MuRSH6cYwJAvw7sSbG4vamuf7tbR5lPo29YpjAfIqs3YZfPGvej0EyHuWeZyUuXu1sXXXUbGwEVgO_MECLiWr136ya8/s640/Screen+Shot+2017-03-22+at+1.37.44+PM.png" width="542" /></a></div>
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Rick climbed up to the catwalk area to shoot down for this pic... </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjM38I_MMQsxelmJ_D8NrZua5_4dKwI94KXjGBvep7zGVJFCYzDC2ksRkdE7zaYRa1Pq0xRmX1yWjut5KajXt_FeFbXqkQWpIDvBHyg6_4diMFjz-b-uIr4l0djR-6F3birPIv2qoGQjZI0/s1600/Screen+Shot+2017-03-22+at+1.39.14+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjM38I_MMQsxelmJ_D8NrZua5_4dKwI94KXjGBvep7zGVJFCYzDC2ksRkdE7zaYRa1Pq0xRmX1yWjut5KajXt_FeFbXqkQWpIDvBHyg6_4diMFjz-b-uIr4l0djR-6F3birPIv2qoGQjZI0/s640/Screen+Shot+2017-03-22+at+1.39.14+PM.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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Here are just some of our Moorhead fans... people we hadn't seen in years came out to the game.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2rMpEYdzTD1Le52ln-5jtYtunVlGP5Q2A6vVFVMIkzCz7NdShYPzxwlfhNba9VVldv8tGPVKGPFQTehxLQT7o_9PGSY25Zh1s5bDYSZGP0sZjY6PMTkTGWBpWJSHoqYwkF6c-EuGaSZrJ/s1600/Screen+Shot+2017-03-22+at+1.39.44+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="422" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2rMpEYdzTD1Le52ln-5jtYtunVlGP5Q2A6vVFVMIkzCz7NdShYPzxwlfhNba9VVldv8tGPVKGPFQTehxLQT7o_9PGSY25Zh1s5bDYSZGP0sZjY6PMTkTGWBpWJSHoqYwkF6c-EuGaSZrJ/s640/Screen+Shot+2017-03-22+at+1.39.44+PM.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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Another big celebration- as Moorhead goes on to win their first game against Hill- Murray!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqDdtV-44KIV6SX8GqecqUTjHLFzaH3EmTOMV-KNby2VmE_O8ScS1soEv1t0Fcpk6gczl0X7MmAiWL961my9vJV5X8yrXqMCQWPjdk90sPWbTWe1ATYMjBoKodg5uwSwLJqwDNoxv29o6s/s1600/Screen+Shot+2017-03-22+at+1.40.43+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqDdtV-44KIV6SX8GqecqUTjHLFzaH3EmTOMV-KNby2VmE_O8ScS1soEv1t0Fcpk6gczl0X7MmAiWL961my9vJV5X8yrXqMCQWPjdk90sPWbTWe1ATYMjBoKodg5uwSwLJqwDNoxv29o6s/s640/Screen+Shot+2017-03-22+at+1.40.43+PM.png" width="606" /></a></div>
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Someone got the crowd into the wave and I was impressed with the number of times it went around.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEis4Pp7Y5BaZUPW3_GkAChls9Io9fMgF9pwggrzFGiOBQ8GM2ELVUHybUF7XyU56VPk69aU5v8eDaCB5Y9TRDZ66ekMmmwOo7T6dXhy1LCLiYvPBexVT9m-rJ9RdH2ERNoDdpbJdXVBlgNv/s1600/Screen+Shot+2017-03-27+at+1.13.55+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEis4Pp7Y5BaZUPW3_GkAChls9Io9fMgF9pwggrzFGiOBQ8GM2ELVUHybUF7XyU56VPk69aU5v8eDaCB5Y9TRDZ66ekMmmwOo7T6dXhy1LCLiYvPBexVT9m-rJ9RdH2ERNoDdpbJdXVBlgNv/s640/Screen+Shot+2017-03-27+at+1.13.55+PM.png" width="452" /></a></div>
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Suddenly it seemed, it was the night of the championship game- and WE WERE PLAYING IN IT! Its our first trip to the State High School Hockey Tournament in quite a few years, and not only did we win our first game- but we went on to beat another Cities team to win the second game and go right on to the Championship Game!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvqmWR0iExinYNKAs8aRsWTh4nKH8wic5bX-89Uuikyq20kBl5lLEbY4FMWzKVLeQ2m9s0szomSbXhOQ12deoAjJoSCsboQpOqq44la1x5pV21W4MK6uw1Si7pVxzaGyPYPKAuhgiFTwl0/s1600/IMG_6556+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvqmWR0iExinYNKAs8aRsWTh4nKH8wic5bX-89Uuikyq20kBl5lLEbY4FMWzKVLeQ2m9s0szomSbXhOQ12deoAjJoSCsboQpOqq44la1x5pV21W4MK6uw1Si7pVxzaGyPYPKAuhgiFTwl0/s640/IMG_6556+copy.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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Another of Rick's panoramic photos of the whole rink. If I closed my eyes it was as if we were at a Wild NHL game, but when I opened them and looked around- it was filled with familiar faces. So many surreal moments stacking up on each other.</div>
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But we were outmatched this night. Grand Rapids just had a bit more of everything, and we couldn't get it done... we took second place, with a 6-3 loss.</div>
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It took awhile for the team to come up from the locker room. We know these boys play with their whole hearts- and those were some pretty sad and heavy hearts that night. And yet, the enormity of the experience wasn't lost on them either. They're young and their fires have been fueled to be back at this tournament again. I got some really big hugs from this kiddo, and my mother's heart couldn't be any more proud.</div>
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Plus, the biggest surprise and bonus to the whole tournament? Were having Kristi, her son Christopher, and my friend Elizabeth come to the 2nd game, and then they brought their families to the third! They're both life-long friends of mine, and were also former Spuds, and we had a wonderful time hanging out together at the arena.</div>
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After the championship game, the team was gathering back at our hotel. Rick is walking in just behind them... and look at the cool reception they got! </div>
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All up and down the floors, are Spud fans, cheering for our boys! </div>
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I wouldn't trade the experience for anything. But it wasn't easy on me by any means. I spent any time outside of being at the arena, snuggled into my bed with my heating pad and blankets. I slept long hours, too fatigued to even try and leave my room to socialize. I had so many wonderful invites, but could not say yes to any of them. Mid-morning the next day we packed and left for home- knowing infusion day was just around the corner.</div>
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Despite how I look, I'm still struggling physically more than I like to acknowledge. Its easier to say, "I'm fine," because in that moment I may be... but those moments are fewer, and more time lapses between them than ever before.</div>
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But so many, are doing so much, to see me through. With my blood pressure going so low last week, they decided to add in a bag of fluids. And because I wanted to get to my stage iv group, I had limited time. So my nurse was a real trooper. She figured out how to attach the second pump to my pole. Then we hung the fluids along with the chemo and the anti-nausea. I was quite a sight trying to maneuver the crazy pole with the constant need to use the rest room. But I got through... and made it to group.</div>
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Despite all the time I spend in bed, or in my recliner, or on the couch... my doorbell dings non-stop.</div>
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Like these beautiful roses that had been part of the ice show. Judy used to bring them to my mother, who beamed from the sight of them every time. Now its my turn, for two years Judy has brought these glorious flowers to my house and I promise you, I'm beaming too. Its such a brightener to my days.</div>
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I have oodles of things I could share, but I struggle in keeping up. Please know we love the visits, the food, the texts with offers of all kinds of things. Being as weak and fatigued as I have been, it can be a little isolating. So I welcome visits, and meals, or treats. We're deeply grateful of how thoughtful everyone is. I think I can definitely say, the advice to just go do something for someone with a chronic illness- is spot on. It's really easy for me to say "I can't think of anything I need right now..." But if you just offer and do something, its well received. </div>
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Yesterday, I saw Dr. Panwalkar. He walked in with a big smile on his face, in a really good mood. Its been 6 weeks since I've seen him, and I was happy to get to talk about some of the big picture issues.</div>
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So when he mentioned with a big smile on his face, that I sure looked great- his whole demeanor broke, when I told him the truth.</div>
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"But I'm not feeling well. I haven't in a long time. And what I truly wonder? Is the treatment just causing too many side effects? Or is the cancer progressing? Because I've been struggling with food, both throwing up, and only able to eat a few bites at times. And my pain has not subsided in the least. I haven't missed a dose of morphine in weeks. And while the pain is no worse, its not showing signs of getting better." </div>
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And he listened, and folded his arms across his chest. He sat astutely, for a long time, thinking. Then he started making a list... "well here are what we have left for treatments..." </div>
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Carboplatin, Doxil, Affinitor with Aromasin, and Ibrance. </div>
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He points to the Carboplatin and says it only has about a 20 percent chance of even working- so its not high on his list. I love the Affinitor and Aromasin combination- but it would take 3 months for it to work... can I tolerate "belly pain" for that long, he wonders? I wonder too...</div>
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He is open to any of the combos and ready to let me decide. First he'd like to scan, to see what is really going on, but then he'd switch to one of these other treatments, if necessary.</div>
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And while he asks my preference and I selfishly tell him I'd love the Affinitor because its a daily pill and its like Arimidex that I did really well on... he is willing to do that... but his preference?</div>
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Is the Doxil. Otherwise known as Adriamyacin. Or "the red devil." But he feels the most confident with this one.</div>
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And its this one I will choose. </div>
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And this leads me right into telling him, that it's been 6 years that he has seen me through. And I think I get the biggest, most heartfelt smile from him... and when we stand and he asks if there is anything else- I simply ask for a hug. Then I get his hearty laugh, and a hug that is tight, and real, and somehow it leads me all the way down the hall, right out the door. Sometimes all we need is someone to walk with us, so we can take that very next step, whatever it might be. </div>
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So I've pondered these words for a long time... they could be about my life... or they could be about my boys... or superman. But maybe, just like me standing at the edge of the water- we try anyways. I may not have been able to sum any of them up with all the writing I've done- but when I get the letter below? Well... you'll just have to read for yourself.</div>
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Colton agreed to let me share with you the letter he wrote to me for the year-end hockey banquet they held for us mom's this year. It's officially my last year of Moorhead Youth Hockey, as Colton will move on to the high school program. I could't attend the event, it was chemo day- but the moms graciously included Colton and I in all the cool things they did. One of those things was to have our boys write a letter to us about... well I don't know the words given to them... but Colton wrote this in the last 15 minutes of his Study Hall.... </div>
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Sometimes, its enough. The few lines, the whispered words, the hugs, all of those tiny moments can add up to simply enough. </div>
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Colton, you couldn't have written it any better! You make ME feel like the luckiest mom ever... I know there were other moms sniffling when they got this kind of letter too- its our hockey community that helps our kids grow, while we the parents grow right alongside of them.</div>
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I'll have my PET scan on Friday. How can I pray for you? I have hours of solitude while waiting and I'd love to pray! Love and blessings to everyone! </div>
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<br />Vickyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02595982706357639001noreply@blogger.com38tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4795026946181152215.post-78686742171924953542017-03-06T12:36:00.001-06:002017-03-06T12:36:26.602-06:00when joy finds you...and so much more...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It's Monday morning, and I'm just glueing my seat to this chair and doing a long overdue post. I'm sorry for any worry I cause, when I'm absent from here- I will certainly have Rick or someone update for me if I'm unable to do so and I have news about my health- otherwise just know I'm hanging in there! </div>
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Its already been a couple of weeks since Dr. Panwalkar called me with the findings of my PET Scan. He simply relayed to me that cancer is once again growing larger in my uterus, my colon, and there are more spots appearing in my lungs. "Its worse, he said, it has gotten worse. But we'll start you on Taxotere right away. You had a good response to it the first time, we only quit when the side effects grew too difficult."</div>
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So for the last two weeks, each Tuesday I've gone into Roger Maris for infusion. But it was clear last week, something else was settling in- a deep cough and a lot of gunky green coming along with it. So I was given Levaquin- a broad spectrum antibiotic, along with my infusion. Boy, have I felt crummy. I'm mostly somewhere between a recliner, or my bed, heating pad in tow, and Crosby too.</div>
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And yet somehow? When I so desperately needed the light to shine through all the dark, I've felt it shining in at every angle. </div>
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My cousin Jackie sent me this little treasure- a blue journal with a comfort cross that was hand made by her husband, Fred! The thoughtfulness of gifts like these, truly touch me at a deep level. My thank you's may mostly come from here these days, although my gratitude flows out from heart- beat by beat. Thank you Fritel family! </div>
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Sara said it so perfectly- I grabbed this from fb yesterday...</div>
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This sweet package arrived in time for Valentines day from sweet Peggy. Again- she crafted so many lovely pieces together and touched me through and through. The gift of her never ending friendship and prayers have been the biggest blessing to me. So thankful, Peggy!</div>
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Then out of the blue, this beautiful bouquet showed up- and what I love is how color filled- it is and how much pure joy I feel, every time I lay eyes on them. Thank you soul-sis-Linda- your abundant encouragement, prayers and ability to walk with me through all of this is such a gift to me. </div>
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Do you know I take you up on your offers of help? I really will reach out when I need something. My stomach is so extended, while the rest of me shrinks in ways. So in pure panic mode with a need for something to wear- my friend Sue went to a store and the owner graciously let her bring two bags filled with clothes for me to try on! They were comfy, cute, in my price-range- and precisely what I needed at a moment's notice. How lucky am I? Help around the corner- always. Sue fixed dinner, then brought these cute mini roses- with the heart attached on the front. But as I go to take a picture of them, what strikes me is how the light glows in and around the roses- resting fully on that heart.</div>
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Maddy! Look- the dutch shoes with your beautiful note brightened my day so much! They're sitting right next to me, always. So thankful for our friendship and shared prayers across the miles! </div>
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Do you all remember this? This is the documentary I was honored to be a part of! Emily and her mom, Lori both sent me Dvd copies and Blu-ray. I was lucky enough to have my best friend forever, Kristi come and we watched it together. Oh my- its so powerful, and such a well done documentary. If you'd like to follow along about where and when its being shown, please follow their Facebook page <a href="https://www.facebook.com/PartOfMeNowFilm/">here</a>! Thank you, Emily and Lori!! I'm touched beyond words! </div>
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So you never fully know how touched you can be, by the simplest things... like a mantra band with two of your favorite words- love and light- sent to you from someone you deeply admire and appreciate- who walks their own journey along side of you. Ahem- notice the light surrounding this one too? Thanks sweet friend!</div>
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As long as some of my days have been- the highlight is often when Rick brings the mail into my bedroom. I treasure the cards, the meaningful notes, and all the support I feel. I could add another whole stack to this picture, but I'll never get this post done if I don't forge ahead right now, with just what is here. Thank you everyone! </div>
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Its always amazing to me, that my inside and outside don't often match. I even have some color in my cheeks here on infusion day last week. But I carefully applied make-up, threw powder on my bald spots, and had my new clothes to wear- because I was honored to be asked by Sanford to do an interview with their media team, during infusion last week. I pray I am worthy because its a pure gift of telling my story- and more importantly sharing how extremely blessed I am to have been given the chance to live- despite having cancer. I always pray someone will garner a kernel of truth about how they might do just the same- that some hope will spread- and the light will keep shining! </div>
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Somehow my infusion flew by, and I forgot about the camera, and just spoke to my hearts content. </div>
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And even with all of this glorious stuff happening? The best was yet to come...</div>
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Before I get there- I just need to say a huge thank you for all the prayers- the messages and notes you send me. The meals brought to us, the treats, the flowers. A book from a friend. And a handmade quilt from another... still so much to post at some point... I'm just so grateful. </div>
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For one of the first times, I was too sick to go to the section championship game last week, in Thief River Falls, where Nolan and the Moorhead Spuds would play against Roseau to determine who would go on to the State Tournament.</div>
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So I curled up in a chair, next to my radio and listened to Larry as he spoke the words we've dreamed of hearing one day! </div>
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"Your section 8AA Champions are the Moorhead Spuds!" </div>
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So grateful for all who sent photos my way. With Rick being the photographer of the Spuds, I'm pretty blessed with the special ones he managed to send me.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijJaZ-9eVjbmLv4c128wgZx61LZVXyL6t_XcaA1JXzRH8UKsGhu33GPhLOKvGuSZ0ZCPSwUSKErmrTF0ef6TTV6VMYXPH3J09wdvxuOJBt7yeCN2l6NMakPK1tLP856o7t5mMA-j9f-gP4/s1600/Screen+Shot+2017-03-03+at+12.44.31+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="498" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijJaZ-9eVjbmLv4c128wgZx61LZVXyL6t_XcaA1JXzRH8UKsGhu33GPhLOKvGuSZ0ZCPSwUSKErmrTF0ef6TTV6VMYXPH3J09wdvxuOJBt7yeCN2l6NMakPK1tLP856o7t5mMA-j9f-gP4/s640/Screen+Shot+2017-03-03+at+12.44.31+PM.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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Nolan getting his medal from Coach Ammerman.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhL61xr7lxwjmfxf9VQXKa_war4Zcjm8cTzT_CQ52bex9o8ejerC-l_NGXzaxYwaOvuX5NY2VFFJZbl7y9O4PWTvLtQQ3xGE55lrtj6b5uTLXJ23EKJAf5uzVyn0SqzTbMFIjVFUxdvSpPZ/s1600/RWP_1467_web.jpg+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhL61xr7lxwjmfxf9VQXKa_war4Zcjm8cTzT_CQ52bex9o8ejerC-l_NGXzaxYwaOvuX5NY2VFFJZbl7y9O4PWTvLtQQ3xGE55lrtj6b5uTLXJ23EKJAf5uzVyn0SqzTbMFIjVFUxdvSpPZ/s640/RWP_1467_web.jpg+copy.jpg" width="488" /></a></div>
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Just one of the many victory shots...</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCwc8ZvXzXZiptk7cVtsaI5-BF0Zc7r4V1Fmn0iVWNaSC_-3nE-vjalEhyphenhyphenpko90t7EcBFjMdr8qJtyKRIjaZ_mobv2QOdf0KQanvTrLQ5we3T5Dx7_rMRdCNIHJn-EGl8YFuEi7ID-vlfl/s1600/RWP_1720_web.jpg+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCwc8ZvXzXZiptk7cVtsaI5-BF0Zc7r4V1Fmn0iVWNaSC_-3nE-vjalEhyphenhyphenpko90t7EcBFjMdr8qJtyKRIjaZ_mobv2QOdf0KQanvTrLQ5we3T5Dx7_rMRdCNIHJn-EGl8YFuEi7ID-vlfl/s640/RWP_1720_web.jpg+copy.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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But the one that sneaks up on me? The one that is priceless to me?</div>
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Is when Rick tells me that not only did Colton come running onto the ice, he literally leapt into his brother's arms and hugged him like there's no tomorrow!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2YWXM7mH2QFB8M-Ha3JOt4-ozKl1RJHeYZC8Y8Nw_wQhK6ScG3iIJDjOd24OtplLUiRvnU8h32dvcc0sYh88c1sKXMF4wMrGLszjasSBS7gZW847F6TU76EYS-W6Q79jQHgdU6GLxsngA/s1600/RWP_1759_web.jpg+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2YWXM7mH2QFB8M-Ha3JOt4-ozKl1RJHeYZC8Y8Nw_wQhK6ScG3iIJDjOd24OtplLUiRvnU8h32dvcc0sYh88c1sKXMF4wMrGLszjasSBS7gZW847F6TU76EYS-W6Q79jQHgdU6GLxsngA/s640/RWP_1759_web.jpg+copy.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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And his big brother? Hugged him hard, all the way back.</div>
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Is joy not written all over their faces? </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6hILVKq0H6mxwilxxfrkap3IITtj8ba4DjVpYsxiKuMoN0Kj4V0iXyJAylg_zwjTbxOGxFD9Vu7tJGUn-gkpmtBNNMNSPkrnjvbywOYHZzdEXB_EwkgiLGdlYxReW-AYbQXIM2o4-HZPo/s1600/RWP_1761_web.jpg+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6hILVKq0H6mxwilxxfrkap3IITtj8ba4DjVpYsxiKuMoN0Kj4V0iXyJAylg_zwjTbxOGxFD9Vu7tJGUn-gkpmtBNNMNSPkrnjvbywOYHZzdEXB_EwkgiLGdlYxReW-AYbQXIM2o4-HZPo/s640/RWP_1761_web.jpg+copy.jpg" width="584" /></a></div>
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It was early the next morning when they arrived home. They all burst into the bedroom and finally, my long awaited for hug came to me, too. </div>
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So we're packing today. Rick has been cutting and printing giant "heads" of the kids nearly nonstop all weekend. We're all happily up to our ears in planning and preparing to go to the State Hockey Tournament, on Wednesday, with the Spuds taking on the Hill-Murray Pioneers once again this season, Thursday at 1 pm. We beat them in OT our last game of the season. We have so much hope for these boys, and this team. </div>
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One team. One dream. ONWARD MOORHEAD! </div>
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And one last little present today? Dr. Panwalkar said it would be ok for me to skip infusion this week. I'm still worn down, tired, and having some pain. But I'm going- no matter what it takes- I'll see you at the X!! </div>
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<br />Vickyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02595982706357639001noreply@blogger.com19