Sanctity...

“This is my secret," he said. "I don't mind what happens.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

I arrive early for my appointment with Dr. Panwalkar.  I sit with my gratitude journal, filling in line after line.  At 15 minutes past my appt. time I start to wonder.  My friend Carrie assures me my pager is working.  Dr. P is never late.  He never leaves me waiting.  I grab my phone and start going through my vacation photos.

5 minutes later we all hear it.  An announcement.  Reality crashes my mental trip back to the beach.

Code blue to exam room 7.  Code blue.

Then again a few minutes later.

A flurry of activity ensues.

A lab person goes carrying a big red tray of supplies.  Other techs go scurrying past.  Patients sit wide-eyed.  Quietly taking it all in.

My photos beckon me back.  Back to the ocean, the sand, the blue, the serene.  

Another 10 minutes go by.

Its warm in South Carolina.  Not hot.  If I lay flat, the wind rides past me and I bury my legs into the heat filled sand.  I attempt to wade into the waves, but after mere minutes, the water numbs my legs and I scurry to get out. 

I'm startled when suddenly my pager goes off.  I greet the nurse and she takes me back. She asks me all the questions, I answer and then she hesitates.  

"Dr. Panwalkar had an emergency this morning.  He went to the ER with his patient.  He will still come to see you.  Can I get you a snack?  Something to drink?  It could be awhile."

I assure her I'm fine, because, I really am.

Not more than 5 minutes later, I'm surprised to look up and see Dr. P.  He apologizes instantly.  I tell him I completely understand.  "Rough morning," I say and he nods.  Then, the consummate professional he is, he immediately asks how I am.

He tells me we will cut my dosage by 30 percent which will be equal to 2 pills morning and evening, instead of 3.  

He then tosses the gown aside and has me hop up on the exam table.  He deftly examines me head to toe.  

I have a little surprise in store for him.

When he goes to find the lump that started this whole new cancer adventure, he discovers it is next to nothing in size.  Just 6 doses I tell him.  He now smiles big.  

I marvel at how he goes from a "rough" morning, to being completely in a grin--worthy moment with me.

He wraps things up conveying to me we will work to find the right dosage to make it manageable.  "I think this is going to be great for you!" He says enthusiastically and then grabs my hand.

He walks me to infusion, and then rests his hand on my shoulder- see you in 3 weeks he says.

Infusion is full.  I wait another 20 minutes.  They finally come to get me and tell me I am in the overflow room today.  Its in another wing, in a corner room that is clearly a makeshift room.  There are no magazines, no tv- just a chair wedged awkwardly in the middle next to the pole.

The nurse again, is apologetic.  But it doesn't phase me.  

 I'm still emerging from the sanctity of the beach.  My body longs to dive down to the ocean depths of the clear sandy bottom, while my lungs fight for air.  I feel myself break the surface of the water, blinking into the light- fully cleansed, and steeling myself for my full return back into cancer world. 

Land of 10,000 Lakes

Minnesota happens to be "The land of 10,000 lakes," and it only takes you a few minutes drive from our town to start discovering a few of those lakes. In fact "going to the lake," is synonymous with warm weather around here. So this Sunday, we jumped in the car and headed to Detroit Lakes. It doesn't matter how many times we will make a visit to DL this summer, the one place we will frequent nearly every time, is Zorbaz. Its an iconic eatery in the lakes area and we love it both for the "macho" nachos as well as the pizza.  With a near 70 degree day, no wind and a wide open afternoon, we met Grandpa and Grandma for lunch.

To work off our nachos that did not disappoint us in terms of their macho-ness, we went for a walk along the quiet beach afterwards. The ice has barely gone out of the lake and open fishing doesn't start for weeks.  The water temperature is in the "frigid" range, much to the disappointment of the boys.  In another month or so however, the water will warm up and the beaches will be filled with revelers from all over.

Today it was like having the place to ourselves.  True to their word, notice the boys stuck to their promise to their dad of staying "off of the sand" and technically their feet never left the sidewalk.  Their hands may have raked through the small pebbles for shells, but their feet remained planted.  Really I could only admire their ingenuity.

After a leisurely walk to the fishing pier, we climbed back in the car and slowly wound our way through the lakes and back home.  With a handful of shells, a full tummy and the smell of the lake clinging to my clothes, the pull of the water will beckon again and again these next few months.  I am so ready.

Zorbaz.

To wind down from our fishing adventures, we headed over to Detroit Lakes. Summer and DL go together like the Fourth of July and fireworks, one just doesn't exist without the other. Detroit Lakes is a resort town with Big Detroit and Little Detroit Lakes at the heart of it. There are condos and motels and cabins to rent, a big public sandy beach to swim at, all the boating and skiing you could want plus tons of things I am certain I have forgotten about.

While its hard to pick just one favorite place in Detroit Lakes, one of the places we can't seem to get enough of is Zorbaz. Its a pizza and mexican restaurant/bar. Its an institution that has been around for many years. Its the type of place where sandy feet and bathing suits are the norm. The food is great, the atmosphere is relaxing and fun, and it feels like a mini vacation just minutes from town.

It was the perfect respite from our fishing adventures! We were all ravenous, so all bickering ceased as the boys munched on their macho nachos. They come on a tray, cause a plate wouldn't suffice to contain them all, and are covered with melted cheese, cilantro, sour cream, onions, peppers, tomatoes and beans. We about polished them off and then the pizza came. The boys wasted no time in demolishing that as well. And slowly we finally relaxed. I think this is the vision we hold for ourselves when we want to go someplace and take the boys. We tend to put adult-size expectations on small children and forget they require a lot of teaching and instructing.

It occurred to me that last year at this time, going to Zorbaz was still a little bit of a stretch for the boys. Nolan got distracted by the video games inside and Colton complained he didn't like anything on the menu. They slid off their chairs and fought with one another, and half way through our meal Rick and I were ready to run from the whole scene.

But here they were, sitting nicely, eating with good manners, and not fighting. As our stress melted away, the sense of humor kicked back in. I reminded Rick that growing up I longed to do the very thing we had done with the boys that day. While it was a lot of effort and exertion, I felt good that we were trying.

The boys were so tired on the way home they almost fell asleep in the car. It was a peaceful ride home. As we turned into the driveway and prepared to unhitch the boat, Colton piped up. "Don't take it off Dad. Just leave it" he said. "Why is that Colton, I asked?" "Cause. When we go back TOMORROW then we will just have to get in the truck and it'll be all ready to go!" I couldn't help but smile.