Who's beside you?

The tightness in my chest is new. It hovers and bears down, but doesn't actually take my breath away. I stay home from hockey, New Year's Eve day. I wait. It stays. On and off it presents in a vague annoying way. Last night when it surfaced again, I went to my mini pharmacy in the cupboard and took some meds. I lay down. I fall asleep and awake to relief. No constriction, no dull throb, for awhile. But if and when it comes back, I know I will have to see Dr. Panwalkar, before next week. It weighs on me.

But a knock at the door served to pull me out of myself.  Distraction keeps me sane and quiets the worry of the voice in my head.  I pored over this gift, caught up in the enormity and magnitude of what this past 9 months has entailed.  My friend Nancy created a scrapbook for me, made from photos and a guestbook used at the benefit held in my honor last May.  Her work is artistic and her layouts jump off the page.

To think, the benefit committee organized, planned and achieved a completely successful benefit that literally is helping to save my life.  I have yet to count, but we read each and every name on the guest book list, and I have to say there are hundreds and hundreds of them- maybe even a thousand names of attendees.  I instantly felt washed in the light that still emanates through the pages of care and concern and prayers for our family- for me. 

The pages are filled with the perfect quotes... and I pause when I get to this one.  

I think Nancy may have inspired me to complete a scrapbook of my own.  The benefit was just the jumping off point and I have so much I could display in photos and layouts... I love a good project! 

I awoke this morning to the light of the sun splashing pastels across the sky.  The air is warm when I go to get the newspaper and so far this a winter unlike any other we've had in awhile- its rather an un-winter and I it sits well with me.

As the house quieted this morning, there was one more knock at the door.  Kendria (isn't that a beautiful name?)  had written a beautiful and heartfelt note to me before Christmas.  Today, she sent me an angel of "Courage" with a Fight Like a Girl sign she handcrafted!  I caught the sun streaming in and loved how it highlighted all the important parts.  She looks rather "victorious" to me. 

I am so genuinely moved every time someone thoughtfully encourages and blesses me.  I am realizing what it does for me... it squelches worry.  It quiets the tightness in my chest.  It overshadows fear.  It fills me with hope... and longing... to be worthy of so much abundance. 

Answers

These past two weeks are practically a blur. Each day would have been a blog worthy day in itself, but I'm sharing a few highlights in one post instead.  Skip ahead to the bottom if you finally want to hear all about my scan results... didn't mean to leave anyone hanging...

Last Thursday, the day before my surgery on Friday, was the golf benefit...


We had a perfect day for the golf benefit and I managed to take a couple of photos with my camera before everyone tee'd off.  I was crying tears of gratefulness, before I even got out the door that day, and wondered how emotionally, I would hold up.  But my grin was pretty much permanent from that moment on and I just felt lucky... completely totally indebted to so many and like the luckiest girl ever.


Our extended hockey families represented well at the golf tournament!  The Staffords, Tami D, and The Watelands, along with friend Ryan J...

The "Refs" and Cooper were the winners... Each of these guys ref hockey and ref games all the way from youth hockey up to high school, and even the WCHA.  

The Connelly Family- Grant in white was on Nolan's hockey team.  

This is part of the Golf committee- Kelly, Shelly, Kim and my sister-in-law Missy.  You guys rock!  Everything ran so smoothly and was so fun! 

Our thanks also to the Johnson family who allowed us use of the Ponderosa Golf Course and helped ensure our day was a big success!  

I went home and rested a good hour or so before it was time to go to Gio's for the silent auction and karaoke to begin.  I was completely blown away by the amount of items, and the complete giving nature of so many people.  Rick and I were drooling at so many of the cool items, totally making a list of what we would have bid on.  Like this cool hockey stick chair made by Todd... 

Sweet Angie put together this cute and delicious package of baked goods and dishes.  I was so happy to see my mother-in-law come home with this!  

Kevin and Kim put together these baskets with wine.  And the wine?  Well they brew it at home!  They even customized the labels to say "Fight Like a Girl."  One day, I just have to try a glass of the wine.  

Ben and Jen donated this awesome Sioux Logo sign.  The Sioux logo is being retired amidst much controversy, which makes this piece especially collectible. 

The tables lined the outer walls of the room and wrapped almost all the way around.  This is just a small sampling of the items and I was completely surprised and overwhelmed at this continued outpouring of goodness. 

Looking for a fresh fundraising idea?  This could be it!  I had to leave early and missed the singing, but I am told it was a fun time!  Had I stayed my 20 bucks would have slid quickly across the table- you'd be so happy with my decision to NOT SING.  All too soon it was 9:30 and with a 5 am wake up time to get ready for surgery, I knew I had to go.  I hated to leave, but I am told a good time was had well into the wee hours of the morning. Thanks to Julie, Jen and Angie S., for all their work in collecting the items, and setting them all up- you girls are simply the best!

I rode the current of good will right into the surgery the next day.  I am convinced it made me sail right through the whole thing.  The anesthesiologist spoke to me briefly Friday morning.  She had a few extra minutes so she started to share with me about two women she knows and how positive they were and how cancer was helping them see things in a whole new way.  I smiled... and thought to myself... oh if she only knew...  she could say she knew 3 people now.  

Saturday, this is what awaited me when I arrived home from the hospital...

These, well these need no words.  Only words of thanks because they seriously made my day and continue to lift my spirits daily.  Everyone who visits, comments instantly on how good the house smells and how breathtakingly beautiful both my bouquets are.  Thank you Matt and Julie...

And thank you to Dustin and Heather and John and Linda.  Linda is also a breast cancer survivor and her daughter Julie, (my sister-in-law) was Nolan's age when Linda was first diagnosed.  I know this journey is all too familiar to them, and they have been a huge encouragement to me this entire time! 

So I didn't mean to leave you all hanging as to what my scan results were last week.  On Saturday, Dr. Bouton shared with me that there seemed to be some inconsistencies in my lengthy ct scan report.  From what he briefly read, they were reporting 4 new lesions in my liver.  But the breast seemed to be about the same, and the spine looked about the same.  

4 new lesions was all I needed to hear to know I would be taken off the study.  BUT, I also knew I needed to wait to see Dr. Panwalkar on Tuesday.  Truthfully, I didn't disbelieve the results, but something seemed off.  How did I go from 0 to 4 spots in my liver but my spine and breast tumors looked stable?  It didn't add up to me, but I knew Dr. P would get to the bottom of it.

So I arrived for my appt. on Tuesday expecting to be told I was off the study and had to start a new chemo.  I figured I would be allowed to even postpone chemo that day and schedule a new day for it since I wouldn't be so confined by the rules of the study. Chemo just 4 days after mastectomy just seems so daunting.

BUT I WAS WRONG...  and this is where I fully know this whole experience is so much bigger than I. Someone flagged my CT Scan so Dr. Panwalkar would pay special attention to it.  He did.  He disagreed with the radiologist and took the scan back to the first radiologist who did my first scan.  They concurred- THERE ARE STILL NO LESIONS IN MY LIVER!  I still have 1 cyst, but otherwise my liver is clean and free of cancer.  My spine is stable... the lymph nodes are stable!  Wow...

I am still on the study!  

I looked at Dr. P and said "Well, I guess I'll be doing chemo today..."  We all laughed... I was both bummed, and completely elated to be doing chemo on Tuesday.

Yesterday was one of the toughest days I've had in a long time.  I was flat on my back sick from chemo and even Zofran failed to keep the nausea at bay.  I ached from head to toe.  I completely threw out any vegan eating and turned to comfort foods, including drinking Sprite.  A good night's sleep was finally the solution.

Whew.  And today I went back to see Dr. Bouton.  I woke up feeling better and took my meds right away.  I ate some toast and felt fine.  I told Dr. Bouton I am doing well.  He checked me over and said to  come back in a week to get my stitches out and my drain out.  And then he said, "you're not just doing well, I'd say you're doing very well."  

Funny how those little things put an extra beat in your heart and you stand just a little taller.  So grateful to have you all standing with me! 

We never know how high we are...

We never know how high we are by Emily Dickinson

We never know how high we are
Till we are asked to rise
And then if we are true to plan
Our statures touch the skies --

The Heroism we recite
Would be a normal thing
Did not ourselves the Cubits warp
For fear to be a King --

Its funny how we "learn something" in life and then we LEARN SOMETHING in life.  How words come to life under the most diverse circumstances.  Like how big and bold and bright the colors of the rainbow are.  And we can describe them, and oh yeah, they're pretty.  But then you grow up.  You marry one day, and have a baby.  And suddenly after this human being that you are suddenly indelibly linked to, comes into your life, with ear splitting screams, and unyielding needs, and the most intense love you'll ever feel.  And then suddenly, you know COLOR.  Like techno-color.  Like the light switch was finally thrown on and suddenly you can see you've been in a very dimly lit room all along.  Because red is like RED and you see all the pinky-purply-blackish-bluish-beauty to it, and you wonder where you've been all along, stuck looking at monotone drab blah for red. 

And seeing red, like really SEEING red, reminds me of that poem by Emily Dickinson.  Because do we ever really know the fullness of our capabilities until we are forced by circumstance to rise up to meet that occasion?  We were probably capable all along, but do ever really push ourselves to see, to find out, to discover?


Because if we did?  The feats we conquer, might actually not be so heroic, if we could just go do them every day... they'd just be normal.  "Warping the cubits"- well cubits is a kind of measurement.  And warping the cubits must mean altering them.  Its the effort we actually put forth, rather than the true effort we could perhaps put forth.  Because of our insecurity.   Um, its like tying one hand behind our back and trying to shoot from half court, and then not feeling too badly if we miss.  Or being content seeing drab, as a muted tone of red.  


I didn't think I could do cancer.  I didn't think I could do daily blood draws like oh-my-god-they-are-sticking-needles-in-my-arm blood draws every day.  Or scans, PET, Bone, CT, MRI, scans.  Or chemotherapy?  Who me?  And surgeon visits, and oh yeah radiation therapies?  


Oh, and another thing I've never dared to do?  Call myself a writer.  I still blush any time someone says it.  


 And I am not alone in the "heroics" I see every day.  When Stacy tells me she went out "cold calling" just to see if she could garner some items for the silent auction?  She got a huge response!  She sounds so surprised, but I'm not.  Just wait till you see what they did with the little pink purses.  Can't wait to show you.


And I wonder if Pam thought of herself as a "business owner?"  But NeckLaces and the bracelets are doing so very well, and she is so very good at it.   And would her husband, Greg ever think he was going to organize and plan a spaghetti feed benefit?  Plus a silent auction and maybe a golf tournament?  But he stepped up, along with many, many others and led the way. 


And I'll accidentally leave someone out who is working tirelessly behind the scenes, like Kim, or Tami or Amy, but I assure you I will have pictures at some point for proper recognition.  Did they know they could do all that they are doing?  I assure you its a lot of behind the scenes I am not around to witness.  


But it makes me wonder... where is your crown?  Where is your stature?  Are you waiting to be called to rise to see?  





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TJ let his class pet Cocoa who was visiting for the week wear the bracelet.

And this is Rockstar, I mean Sabrina, who fought and won the battle against stage 3 breast cancer 4 years ago- yes, when she was 17!  Way to go Sabrina, love survivor stories of strong women! 

Katie and Sabrina

Awww, and Julia with her mom Sue, thanks girls! 

They're here!  We have Shelly to thank for setting us up with Joy of Joyz Jazz so everyone can buy a silver hand stamped, fight like a girl necklace!  Click on the photo in the sidebar to take you to Joy's paypal page.  Or visit Joyz Jazz on facebook and leave her a mesage.  A portion of every sale goes back to me!  Thank you Shelly, thank you Joy!!  


Keep the photos coming, we love getting them!  Thank you everyone!