Thursday, February 23, 2012

when the going gets tough...

Tuesday after school I sat down with the boys and tried to explain some of the changes occurring with their mom. I got to the part about losing my hair and the boys looked absolutely horrified. Colton said "No, mom, oh no. Do not walk around bald. Just go to Target and get a wig!" Ha!

I think I've taught those boys well- when the going gets tough- just go to Target.

This round of chemo has been no picnic. The steroids given to me in my pre-meds made me feel like super woman Tuesday, in a manic, edgy, crazy energy, kind of way. I managed to get 4 hours of sleep that night and still felt some super human powers yesterday morning. But then the sunburn settled into my face, my arms, my chest, etc. My eyelids swelled, my face grew puffy, and I ached everywhere.  I crashed hard last night. Today I am weak and having to stay just a few feet away from the bathroom... I will definitely let Dr. P know all of this before next week's round.

Honestly, its harder this time to mentally challenge myself to be ready to do this again next week. Somehow more is being asked and I need to find the more within to push through.  But Dr. Panwalkar also brought up the B word... in cancer world its called a "break," as in a break from chemo.  If I can get theses mets under control and reduce my overall tumor load, I could take a couple of weeks off when we try to take our trip somewhere... what's that saying, nobody said it'd be easy- just worth it... amen.

In other news have I mentioned we have what seems like a brand new dog? Crosby has been going to doggy daycare! And yesterday- they think his sister came in to play for the day. She has the same birthday, looks exactly the same, and came from the same town as he did. And the two of them played all day together. Crosby comes home so whipped he barely makes it across the threshold of the door before he collapses and snoozes away the rest of the night. The calm that has descended upon the house is a welcome respite inside of the rest of the chaos of our lives.


  1. Well, I'm glad you've taught those boys well. ;) Target solves most everything. I'm sure you already know this, but my experience with other mothers has been that those with pre-teens and teens seemed to have the hardest time with the hair thing. Not sure why, but it was a recurring theme for sure with the moms of teens I met.

    Sorry this chemo has been hard. You can do it!! And definitely keep that break in mind. It will be so worth it.

  2. Just tossing you some courage and letting you know I care. Prayers for healing.

  3. Boy.....wishing I could do ANYthing to make this easier. I'm so sorry this treatment is a rough one. Maybe you can pin all your hard moments together and think of them as a rocky road leading to a beautiful view of your vacation. I'm praying that for you and visualizing healing and restoration. Can't believe you show up here to keep us all posted. I love you for that. And for other things. You'll be beautiful bald because you have great bones (Me? I'd look like a bowling ball) but wear a wig or a head wrap or anything that makes YOU feel good - and keeps your boys happy. :)

  4. I read this and am so touched at you how you keep us posted even through the very rough times you are going through. You are and always have been a wonderfully caring person. I hope that you take the best care of YOU. I hurt to know that you are going through this, Vicky. I honestly do. But through it you will go, and we will be right here with you...praying, loving on you and your family, and cherishing the friendship that evolves through it all.
    Love you,

  5. So sorry that this round is trying to kick you. But, with all those who love you we will be here to heLp you up again. May you draw some strength from us as you journey thru this one day at a time.

    Love the boys for wanting you to head to Target, but personally wonder what is your favorite color? May just try and help out by creating a head gear to help when you don't want to wear a wig. Explaining to children is hard, but I admire ou for telling them before you start loosing your hair.
    Love you much!! Hang in there!

  6. Thinking of you and inspired by you with a heart full-to-brimming.

  7. Vicky, if you go the wig route, There are so many fun styles out there.. I say, try something new and have some fun with it.

    So sorry you have to deal with this darn drug therapy, praying you'll get the best results, and down the road you will be grateful you took them and got through it.

    All the comments above, such carring people, it's nice to see.

  8. A dear friend of mine recently dealt with this and there was a special consultant to help with the different styling options. She is doing well now; praying for you!

  9. Oh here in BC we have a lot of bald people who cut off their hair to support their friends and family members
    Except for the winter part, bald is in today both for men and women .
    We live in great times lol

  10. Vicky –I discovered your blog when researching breast cancer last year. I was diagnosed with breast cancer about the same time you were. I lost my hair last April and decided to take the ‘bald in public’ route. It certainly wasn’t the easiest choice I could have made. Hats/wigs/scarves were all smothering for me. I actually learned to enjoy the freedom that baldness brought. I’m not suggesting you make the same choice, since this is a very personal choice, but I just wanted to let you know that it’s a choice to consider. It was a good choice for me. There’s a silver lining in almost everything and not having to shave my legs was certainly a plus. Thanks for allowing me to follow your journey.

  11. Kids have all the answers, lol. Sending prayers and good thoughts your way.

  12. Vicky, I am so sorry this round is knocking you so hard. I will continue to pray and always HOPE. Did Target have any wigs???? The simplicity of childrens solutions is calming. XO, Pinky

  13. Hugs and prayers coming your way.

    I so love the idea of 'just go to Target'. That is so funny. And - such a great idea.

    I haven't been on-line at all lately and have been wondering how you were doing.

    I'm going to add your button to my blog so that it reminds me daily to pray for you.

  14. Oops! Can't grab your button. I won't let me copy it. Says the function is disabled.

    I won't forget to pray for you anyway.

  15. Hello Vicky !!!
    Kudos for the crescendo or climax of courage you have to thwart away the enigma of the therapy & the disease. I'm so happy for you that you are taking it into your stride moment by moment & it's a fact this approach & positive attitude shall double the benefit you gain from chemo or radio. Premedication with steroids always lessens the agony of the drugs & the courage boosts the immune system. I'm pretty sure ...You shall definitely stride into the healthy dawn.

    Most of these 2nd line drugs/therapy have much side effects including hair loss. My wife lost all her hairs & she used a cap to cover her head gleefully. The hair roots remain intact & hence the hairs grow within a month after stoppage of the chemo & the most interesting fact is that one gets more healthy & stronger, more black/brown, & more denser hair when they regrow.

    I'm very much hopeful that the Targetted therapy would do wonders for you. The doctors have rightly decided for it & the best one in your case. As you always do, Keep yourself under the shadows of HIS blessings & you WILL surely get & share HIS divineful cheerfullness on your puffy face.

    Get high protein diet all these days to boost your immunity which is often jeopardised by this therapy. All anticancer medications usually help in killing the cancer cells by the way of APOPTOSIS, which is a process designed by our immune system. Therefore boosting of this system is of upmost importance esp. in view of the fact this cancer therapy exhausts our immunity to a great extent. Keeping oneself away from opportunistic secondary infections is an another imp. part to be taken care of.... I'm sure you know all this.

    Enjoy your break with the kids & your family only after 5-7 days of end of your each drug cycle ( a window period of max. side effects & least immunity).

    I can only salute your approach to keep everyone updated here & esp. the writing about Crossby in the end, with this courageous whole write up is a testimony to your strong will & positivity you have.

    Keep it up ... (sometimes I feel you are boosting the morale of all your friends here more than what we are trying to do ... that spirit of yours will definitely help you tide over this difficult times).

    Constantly praying for you, with you & with all the other well wishers here.

  16. I will continue to ask God to lessen your suffering and make it bearable. I really wish I could do more. It saddens me no end to hear of what you have to go through. But you WILL see this through. When so many people are praying for you, God just HAS to listen. Love you loads

  17. You have perfectly pegged the post-steroid reaction! I am so sorry you have to take these horrible infusions, but will be praying they give you the miracle of disappearing tumors--quickly, so that you will be blessed doubly with the B-word and have that much-deserved break. Going bald is quite an adjustment, but if you can look past the new person you meet in the mirror, it does hold one small blessing...less time spent in the shower--which is a real blessing during those days of chemo fatigue! :-) Hang in there, beautiful lady, God is holding you and your family firmly in the palm of His strong and loving hand!

  18. Never before has the word "break" held such meaning! I am, as always, so filled up by your courage and your hopefulness.

    Hang on tight, it's NOT easy, but everything you need is in you. Some days, it just takes longer to bring it out, but it's there.

    Prayers for strength, for goodness, for hope.



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