Tuesday, May 29, 2012

The reveal...

Well you all just left the MOST beautiful comments ever on my last post.   Truly I savor how you share your hearts with me.  As vulnerable as I feel sometimes, you certainly make me feel safe in expressing how I feel and absolutely make me feel loved.  

 Ta- da- I've gone public with my wig. 

Colton took my picture! 

The last place left to wear the wig is the clinic today, which is kind of ironic- they're usually the first to know everything. 

 Because of the holiday, my chemo schedule is all goofed up.  

So I will do labs this morning, see Dr. Panwalkar after school and then have chemo on Wednesday, hopefully.  

Rick has to go out of town this afternoon, so I will be navigating on my own till Wednesday night. 

 It should be interesting, and yet, I certainly don't see why I can't handle it.  

Slowly I feel my energy coming back and I know I am in need of a round of chemo.  

I stopped by my parents old house yesterday.  My Dad's old truck sitting in the driveway still causes my heart to lurch just briefly.  Its still hard to realize this isn't like thousands of other times, where the truck signifies he's home and I just have to bound up the steps and call to him inside the house.  

So I sat on the back steps for a few minutes.  But a bird kept grabbing my attention.  The little sparrow sang, it puffed up its chest, it fluffed its feathers and put on quite a show.  The humor wasn't lost on me.  I almost called out- "Hi Dad... "  I felt his presence everywhere.

Later, we all went to visit Dad's gravesite. The dirt is starting to fill in on top of his burial site.  Its blending in more, rather than looking so fresh and new these days.  Its a lot like my grief, forming a scar, with some of the tender lying just beneath.  

And just a few feet from my Dad, is my nephew Hunter.  The boys called him "baby," he was only 4 months old when he suddenly passed.  But he'd be Nolan's age, just shy of 12 years.  The ache this time, has never really dulled at all.  


  1. You are always in my thoughts Vicky and your beautiful smile lights up my days. Beautiful, heartfelt post. Thank you

    Nice wig, by the way xo

  2. You really look beautiful Vicki! I'm so glad to know you have sweet memories of a faithful father. You have such wonderful men in your life! Love & prayers, in Jesus, Cynthia

  3. the wig looks spectacular, sweetie!

    i've never really been one for visiting cemeteries, but i hope it helps you heal.

  4. I think you look so beautiful in your wig, Vickie! Just a perfect style for you. Loved the sparrow picture and your arrow having to be there pointing us to him. Amazing how such a little insignificant bird can change our day! You know, I understood your feelings about your Dad. As I went through chemo and felt so badly, there were times when I missed my Dad more than anything. I found that strange, because it had been so long since he died, and we hadn't been that close in the years before that. But during that time, I wanted him there -- I wanted his wisdom, his love, his strength, and security. I didn't want to be "grown up" having to hold myself together.
    Glad you had a good day! Always praying for you!

  5. Praying for strength, peace and joy...

  6. You look great in the wig, Vicky, and what I LOVE is that you chose a different style from your regular hair and "do." Why NOT rock a new feel? It is VERY flattering to you but you give live to EVERYthing.

    I was noticing the day your dad passed away and I just can't believe it's been that long. Almost two years. I always loved the posts about him and your visits home. The ache for him is palpable and you know I always lived vicariously through you with that relationship. I can't imagine the ache you must feel when seeing his truck and everything being just like it was....almost. Sigh. And you KNOW I can't imagine losing baby Hunter...especially having a Hunter of my own. Cannot process that sorrow. God bless them, and, of course, you my beautiful friend.

  7. Hi! You are beautiful!

    Been thinking of you all weekend!
    Loooking forward to connecting more soon!

    Blessing your week; sending you strength!


  8. I was just thinking about you yesterday and wondering if your hair had let loose or if you had managed to keep it. I think the wig is just lovely on you!

    Many prayers for you this week as you go back to chemo. My kiddos remember you on a regular basis and pray for Ms. Vicki.

  9. First of all you look great in you wig! It looks so natural on you! I also truly believe that your Dad was talking to you through that sparrow. For sure. Best of luck with the chemo this week. I am so sorry I have been MIA, we are moving and have been INCREDIBLY busy. XO, Pinky

  10. Jeez, girl... you look fantastic. Not just saying that to make you feel better about it, it actually looks really good! Love the style!...

    ..and the bird... My MIL swears the crow that landed on his gravestone when she paid a visit just after his passing was a sign from her husband that he was still watching over her.

  11. Oooo la la. I have to say that, 'cause you look danged great, my friend. Gorgeous!!
    I love the new look...absolutely.
    I hug you as you think of your Dad. I know that you miss him very much.
    Beautiful photos that you posted with this blog. Beautiful...
    Hugs and love,

  12. Vicky!!!! You look absolutely beautiful!!!!!!

  13. Dear sweet Vicky...You are the girl in my nightly prayers...and, oh, what a beautiful face and countenance you bear!
    I love you with the love of our precious Lord and Savior!

  14. I love your wig Vicky, and you look so beautiful...so relaxed. Good luck to getting back on your normal schedule.

  15. Wow, you really look beautiful and your wig looks amazing. Now that looks very you and very natural. Great choice. I like the longer look on you and your makeup is fantastic, love the eyes. Hold your head up you gorgeous woman you look stunning. And all of us agree on that.

    I know what you mean about your father. I am about to go and visit my father's grave for the first time in a year since his funeral (another State). I know he is everywhere too. He is always with me and I always talk to him. I am forever looking for signs.

    I hope your few days have gone ok without Rick. Always thinking of you and you give us so much I hope you know that.

  16. you look so beautiful and sassy in that photo....i love it.

    and i think your dad was with you when you were sitting on those steps, as i have such a strong belief in the afterlife and believe anyone can show up at anytime in any form after they've passed away.

  17. Hi Vicky--
    Your wig looks real nice. I really like the cut and color.

    I hope your chemo goes real well today.

    So sorry about your father, and your nephew.
    I lost my dear sweet father in 1994, and I miss him every single day.

    Sending hugs!

  18. You look gorgeous! I love it! What a beautiful post about connecting with your dad as you watched the bird perform. His presence is surrounding you with that warm fatherly love.

    I'm always looking for signs of my dad too. Feeling his presence is something that I search for.

    Thinking of you my friend and hoping that you're having a great day.

    Hey, tell Colton that he did a great job as a photographer. Taking after his Dad, I bet!!


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