We never know how high we are...

We never know how high we are by Emily Dickinson

We never know how high we are
Till we are asked to rise
And then if we are true to plan
Our statures touch the skies --

The Heroism we recite
Would be a normal thing
Did not ourselves the Cubits warp
For fear to be a King --

Its funny how we "learn something" in life and then we LEARN SOMETHING in life.  How words come to life under the most diverse circumstances.  Like how big and bold and bright the colors of the rainbow are.  And we can describe them, and oh yeah, they're pretty.  But then you grow up.  You marry one day, and have a baby.  And suddenly after this human being that you are suddenly indelibly linked to, comes into your life, with ear splitting screams, and unyielding needs, and the most intense love you'll ever feel.  And then suddenly, you know COLOR.  Like techno-color.  Like the light switch was finally thrown on and suddenly you can see you've been in a very dimly lit room all along.  Because red is like RED and you see all the pinky-purply-blackish-bluish-beauty to it, and you wonder where you've been all along, stuck looking at monotone drab blah for red. 

And seeing red, like really SEEING red, reminds me of that poem by Emily Dickinson.  Because do we ever really know the fullness of our capabilities until we are forced by circumstance to rise up to meet that occasion?  We were probably capable all along, but do ever really push ourselves to see, to find out, to discover?


Because if we did?  The feats we conquer, might actually not be so heroic, if we could just go do them every day... they'd just be normal.  "Warping the cubits"- well cubits is a kind of measurement.  And warping the cubits must mean altering them.  Its the effort we actually put forth, rather than the true effort we could perhaps put forth.  Because of our insecurity.   Um, its like tying one hand behind our back and trying to shoot from half court, and then not feeling too badly if we miss.  Or being content seeing drab, as a muted tone of red.  


I didn't think I could do cancer.  I didn't think I could do daily blood draws like oh-my-god-they-are-sticking-needles-in-my-arm blood draws every day.  Or scans, PET, Bone, CT, MRI, scans.  Or chemotherapy?  Who me?  And surgeon visits, and oh yeah radiation therapies?  


Oh, and another thing I've never dared to do?  Call myself a writer.  I still blush any time someone says it.  


 And I am not alone in the "heroics" I see every day.  When Stacy tells me she went out "cold calling" just to see if she could garner some items for the silent auction?  She got a huge response!  She sounds so surprised, but I'm not.  Just wait till you see what they did with the little pink purses.  Can't wait to show you.


And I wonder if Pam thought of herself as a "business owner?"  But NeckLaces and the bracelets are doing so very well, and she is so very good at it.   And would her husband, Greg ever think he was going to organize and plan a spaghetti feed benefit?  Plus a silent auction and maybe a golf tournament?  But he stepped up, along with many, many others and led the way. 


And I'll accidentally leave someone out who is working tirelessly behind the scenes, like Kim, or Tami or Amy, but I assure you I will have pictures at some point for proper recognition.  Did they know they could do all that they are doing?  I assure you its a lot of behind the scenes I am not around to witness.  


But it makes me wonder... where is your crown?  Where is your stature?  Are you waiting to be called to rise to see?  





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TJ let his class pet Cocoa who was visiting for the week wear the bracelet.

And this is Rockstar, I mean Sabrina, who fought and won the battle against stage 3 breast cancer 4 years ago- yes, when she was 17!  Way to go Sabrina, love survivor stories of strong women! 

Katie and Sabrina

Awww, and Julia with her mom Sue, thanks girls! 

They're here!  We have Shelly to thank for setting us up with Joy of Joyz Jazz so everyone can buy a silver hand stamped, fight like a girl necklace!  Click on the photo in the sidebar to take you to Joy's paypal page.  Or visit Joyz Jazz on facebook and leave her a mesage.  A portion of every sale goes back to me!  Thank you Shelly, thank you Joy!!  


Keep the photos coming, we love getting them!  Thank you everyone! 

How I am

Cruddy, its generally how I have been feeling, with a side of blech to boot. Its like morning sickness, that lasts all day, except theres no bouncing boy expected 9 months later. But how I remember that queasiness, that anemia. I am working on building myself back up. I use the anti-nasuea drugs and have started some iron pills, so I will work my way out of this too. Besides, I am still giving thanks, Eacharisteo is still the way, even in abominable green smoothies, and fatigue that kicks tired to the curb most days of the week.

Plus, you all show up here and how can I not get out of bed to see? The photos, the gifts, the cards, the messages.



Baby Boden sporting his bracelet...

Hali wearing her bracelet, Hali is in the same class as Nolan

Leiton and Hali wearing their bracelets. Leiton plays baseball with Colton, and Boden is in the background.  Could they be any cuter?

Beautiful Robin from All Things Heart and Home, with her precious granddaughter Lucy, all the way from the ATL.  Love u right back Robin.

What do you call it when the top book on your wish list at Barnes and Noble, is handed to you by a friend who found it at the thrift store, for 1 dollar?  Grace, divine Grace I'd say.  Good stuff.

My first attempt at a green smoothie.  It had kale, spinach, dandelion greens, blueberries, a little orange juice and a dash of stevia.  Blech... I think I got the ratio wrong.  Too much veggie for not enough fruit.  Will try again and let you know.  Proud of my boys though, they all 3 took 1 big gulp and then proclaimed it putrid.  

For none other than my pure amusement I think, its been snowing again, almost daily.  And the poor robins just don't know what to do with themselves.  This pregnant round girl just sat in the snow on the railing.  I'm pretty sure that is exasperation on her face.  Oddly, I know just how she feels...

From  A.A. Milne...

“It's snowing still," said Eeyore gloomily. "So it is." "And freezing." "Is it?" "Yes," said Eeyore. "However," he said, brightening up a little, "we haven't had an earthquake lately.”

My brother and his family are here so I am off to enjoy some time with them...  Thank you for continuing to show up here and for making me feel like I matter.  

"If we are there..."

Having slept most of the day away yesterday and generally feeling kinda cruddy, my whole day turned around in back to back moments last night.

Well, first there was a pizza that arrived from the McNab family... thanks Steph, sorry you weren't feeling well, hope to see you soon!

Then there was a knock at the door that brought the PTAC President from our elementary school and the PTAC Treasurer to our door.  They had placed this sign at Family Fun Night at the school at one of the game rooms and brought over a couple of checks for me.  Yeah, they pretty much brought me to tears on the spot.  They were extremely. generous. gifts.  Wow.  I was literally weak in the knees.  Thank you Suzanne, Brian, Jackie, and the rest of the committee members.  We are deeply grateful.

My third (seriously, who gets 3 surprises in one day?) surprise happened as I looked out the window last night.  A black SUV pulled up and out jumped one girlfriend after another.  It took a minute for me to realize, it was the girls from my book club!  They came bearing pink bows to hang on my house and a few other places in the neighborhood.  

Heidi and Amy wearing their bracelets! 

The whole book club, minus only one girl (who sent me a card today) Pretty amazing.  At first I thought I had missed book club.  But they said no.  They had gathered at a neighborhood bar, tied their bows, and then came to my house.  Oh, and they said they had also talked a little about the book.  See what I mean, they had book club!

Thank you Heidi, Pam, Shauna, Amy, Jen, and Heidi.  

It was both cold, and windy outside.

But the bows looked great this morning!

Even against the background of snow!

The bracelets for breast cancer pics keep rolling in!  This is Mary, who is the mother of Amy in the pics above.  Mary is from Grand Forks, ND.

And we have our first cat, Myron sporting the bracelet around his neck!    Karla, Morgan and Myron from Paige, ND...  my boys absolutely loved this one.  Go Myron!

Deb, from Iowa, in honor of her sister Julie, with her in the photo below, who passed away at age 36 from breast cancer, and in honor of her friend Karla 32 who is battling the disease and beating it!   Too young... way too many women and way too young. 

Keep the pics coming! 

So many of you have inquired about the silver hand stamped fight like a girl necklaces that we will provide a link to Joy who has graciously offered to make some to raise funds for me as well.  Stay tuned... more to come.

I love story people and have one emailed to me daily.  Thought I'd share this one from Brian Andreas:

They left me
with your shadow,
saying things like
Life is not fair

& I believed them
for a long time.

But today,
I remembered
the way you laughed
& the heat
of your hand
in mine

& I knew that
life is more fair
than we can
ever imagine
if
we are there to live it

I say live your moments everyday, live your moments.

The Benefit...

Jaw dropping.  Gratitude spilling.  Earth shattering. Tears falling.  Heart exploding.  I still have a hard time putting these next 3 words together... Vicky Westra Benefit.  I keep wanting to look over my shoulder for the "sick" woman, everyone is making such a big deal about.  But then I bend a little the wrong way and pain shoots up my spine.  And I'm ready for a nap by noon some days.  I awake with nausea and have a need to stay close to the bathroom at times.  The reality settles in a bit more each day.


Sitting on "THE couch," and you all know that couch, in HER studio, was just like any other day last week. Is there any question that the poster and the beautiful family portrait  were done by Ria Czichotzki, of rialeephotography?  But in the gallery of photos she took, that reduce me to a blubbering mess, I see the wince in my face when Colton grabs me around the middle.  The evidence of the disease, the cancer, is harder to deny.  It turns out its not such an ordinary day.

But I'm not digging for the blessings, trying to dislodge them from the muck.  They're still on the surface, like giant bubbles of grace, floating along and popping open with goodness at any given interval. Albert Einstein says:  There are only two ways to live your life.  One is as though nothing is a miracle.  The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Miracles, yes, life lines really, and I am grabbing hold.  I have no earthly idea how I will be a good steward of these blessings and how to multiply and reflect back to all those who have bestowed them on me.  All I do know is I feel a bit like Cinderella getting ready for the ball.  Each kindness and goodness bestowed upon me fills me with a bit of light.  And come May 1st, I might just be the twinkliest girl at the ball.

Thank you a million times over for the exquisite work, Ria.  Its beyond words and I love it.


Watch for more bracelet photos to be posted soon!

Fighting...

“Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.”  Scott Adams

Chemo session number one- the first day was long.  We arrived to do lab work and fill out questionnaires for the study.  After the 6 tubes of blood they took yesterday, I was caught off guard by the 10 more she took right at the start.  They accessed my port which was a breeze and I got anti-nausea for the first go around.  Then I got some benadryl with it and oh my drowsy here.

Next came the big unveiling of the actual drugs I was getting... I got the TDM1, which is the experimental drug, along with either a placebo, or pertuzamab.  This is what we had hoped for, now if only we can find out if its placebo or drug I am getting along with the TDM1.  I can't really say I experienced much of any discomfort.  It really was just letting the drugs drip in and then having observation time in between.

At 3, since I was still being observed, the Psychologist I was going to see, came to see me instead.  Speaking of kindness, I have no benefits for mental health on my insurance policy.  I know... But, she was undeterred.  She is working it out so that I will get seen anyway.  Wow,  I'm bowed down by so much these days and pray that the good Lord continues to keep me worthy and humbled.  My Eucharisteo journal is getting filled up with goodness after goodness, or Godness after Godness, as I am more prone to think these days.

It was close to 5 pm before I even got home, and wow, I was tired.

Just for the occasion yesterday, I wore my new necklace, in honor of another woman battling stage 3 breast cancer.  My neighbor Kari gave this necklace to me and the woman's name is Jodi, and her sister Joy made the necklaces as a fundraiser for her sister. If anyone else would like to purchase one of these hand stamped necklaces let me know.  She said she would be happy to make some.  

Here are some of the first few photos I've gotten of friends and family wearing their breast cancer hockey laces bracelets in my honor.

Way to rock the bracelet Alex!

Katelyn, a relative in South Dakota sporting her bracelet. 

Um, hello, take that Cancer!! That's my idea of standing up to it!  Thanks Elizabeth!  

How cute are these kiddos?  Colton's hockey team wore the pink shirts at their banquet last night.  I couldn't attend as my white blood counts are due to drop and I will easily pick up any bugs going around.  But so glad friends got a few photos to share.  And Colton, who was a little averse to wearing pink?  Wore his pink shirt to school today!

My spirits remain high, although I have some nausea and fatigue today.  So I am taking it easy.  Please know I read all my email, and will try to reply back in a timely fashion, but forgive me if something slips by me on occasion.  Thanks for helping me Fight like a girl! 

Off I go to fight like a girl...

I thought I'd start off my "Fight Like a Girl" gallery of photos with a couple of my own family! I'll be back later to upload a couple of others that are tagged on facebook!

I'm going to today with the knowledge that prayers are both being said and answered. I heard late yesterday I am in the experimental arm of the study! Now I don't whether or not I will get itchy, rashy arms and legs or neuropathy, but side effects and toxicity are the price we pray in the fight against cancer. I believe this is the "Hard Eucharisteo" that Ann Voskamp writes about, and believe me I am looking for the thanksgiving in all of this, even chemo.

Thanks for surrounding me with prayers, and good thoughts and love.

I'm loving you all right back, and blushing a little at the same time.

Breast Cancer bracelets are coming

The fundraiser bracelets are being mailed out! Some of you could receive them sometime this week already.  And... I have an idea...

Will you email me a picture of yourself wearing your bracelet? I'd love to know how far my bracelets are going? I know one went to Canada. And others have gone all over the United States, with many staying close to here. So if you'd take a picture with yourself wearing your bracelet, and hold up a small sign telling us where you are from, we'll post your photo on my blog! Please will you? My kids would love to see where you all are from.  We've been amazed and completely overwhelmed with the response.  Plus I plan to print them out and collage them somehow, so would be so honored if all those near and far would help us with our mission!

Email the jpeg file of your photo to vwestra14@gmail.com and I will post them to my blog.




How cute are these?  If you live in the FM area they may be coming to a door handle near you!  I understand there will be some info. tucked inside about the benefit and perhaps a treat or two.  Love hearing about all the things going on behind the scenes!!  May Day may take on whole new twist!

So now for some good news.  I will get randomized for one of three arms of the study today!  My brain MRI was CLEAN!  So if the 6 tubes of blood they took from my arm today are in normal ranges, I will be given the okay to start at 9 am.

But here is where I could use some help for all of my prayer warriors.  It would help me even more if I were to get randomly selected for the experimental arms of the study, versus the one arm that is standard treatment.  Standard treatment is still okay to do, but it could be all the more beneficial to be in the one with the new meds.  If there is one thing I know, admission into clinical trials may be random, but God isn't random in hearing our prayers.  Thank you.

One of my new blog loves, is Marion who blogs over at Joy and Wonder.  

She wrote the most exquisite post about Grace, and I am so honored she sees me in that light, but truly there is a big takeaway for everyone that reads it.  I highly encourage you to check her out, its a beautiful read, and not to be missed.  

Love and blessings to you all!