Undone

It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold:  when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade.  ~Charles Dickens

The daffodils showed up by surprise on the doorstep the other day.  Thank you, they sure brought sunshine into our home!

Sue brought this over with a DQ card tucked inside... thank you Sue!

I'm on double time.  Spring is either giving us a test run or settling in long before anyone could have guessed it would.  So I am rummaging for t-shirts and shorts, while throwing snow boots and pants into nearby storage- just in case.  I'm scrubbing remnants of leftover winter- salty-muddy- gravelly mess all across the floor of the closet.  I take everything out and clean and sort and then grow too breathless to finish. The piles of shoes sit there, next to the vacuum cleaner with the tangled cord I am now too tired to drag back to the bedroom.

Everywhere I look, half completed projects abound.  So much undone. All of the dishes don't make it in the dishwasher anymore, and the clean ones don't always get to the cupboard either.  I'm actually too tired to cringe when someone stops by!  Welcome to the mess, our life is so fully entangled in it, we don't even notice the mess anymore.

But I do get the hint that my energy surge is sapped.  When I start coughing and the fire in my lungs won't cease, I stop spring cleaning and go radio silent for a day or two.  I curl up with "The Hunger Games," and lose myself in the story of a girl just trying to overcome incredulous amounts of danger and peril hurtling her way at rip-roaring speed.  I relate to her and her journey.  Its weird how much I cheer her on and will her to keep standing up and fighting back.  She is against the odds, and she is my kind of girl.

Chemo went well this am.  My blood counts rebounded nicely.  And in fact, I got the call from the radiation department that I will have the brain blob obliterated tomorrow afternoon!  I will start my xanax at home and then I will go in at 1:45 pm and start treatment at 2:10.

Will you pray for me?

Will you pray that I am able to put on my mask and hold still for the entire treatment?  That the radiation truly "targets" the bad cells and leaves as many as the healthy ones behind as it can?  That my Xanax cocktail provides me with just the right amount of sedation to keep my frayed nerves from unraveling?

  

Thank you.

Be back soon!

One year ago today...

One year ago today, I received the life changing news, that I had breast cancer.  Its officially my Cancerversary.  As I look back through the journey, I am overcome with such a diversity of emotions its hard to know how to process and articulate where I was and where I am.   Mostly, I am just thankful to be here, and awed at the abundance that has accompanied the difficult times.  I have been blessed many times over.

So in one of those "perfect timing" moments... this arrived in my email box.  My book club girls, with the help of my husband and his video guru, Ben, told my story for a contest.  The Pay it Forward contest is sponsored by State Bank, here in town.  March 16th was the last day to submit videos.

April 2nd a panel of judges will pick 6 finalists from the submissions, and then those 6 videos will be open for voting by the public!  Five of those finalists will win 1,000 for their submission, while the winner will win 5,000 dollars.

To view the contest you have to go to Facebook and search the group Pay it Forward Fans' Choice, and hope our video makes the cut on April 2nd!  If it does, I'd be so honored to have you vote for us!  I'll let you know what happens April 2nd...

I came home last night in a fog of epic proportions.  We decided on two Xanax before the MRI and 1 more for good measure before the simulations began.  So I prayed for all of the requests that came my way, waiting for the meds to kick in. The meds did the trick.  I have very little recollection of most of it.  The mask was hot on my face and I squeezed my eyes really tight.  And I prayed. The tattoo on my chest is a dot... thats it, so tiny you have to squint to see it.  So I kept on praying and peace descended.

Over and over I prayed.  I brought a sticky note list of all the names given to me, and over and over I prayed.  And suddenly I was done and ready to go home.  

We arrived home to a meal waiting in a cooler on the front step!  And  a Superman t-shirt for Rick that had us all chuckling!  Thank you!

The beautiful neighbor that sent me a card nearly a year ago with the name of the herbalist I want to go and see, arrived with dessert pizza that was a huge hit with everyone!  Thank you! 

And then Rick sat down and showed me this video.  I've said before I have the best book club ever.  I can't make it through without being reduced to tears.  Every. Single. Time.  

Amy, Shauna, Heidi, Pam, Heidi, and Suzanne, (Nikki)... its a rare treat that we get everyone together. But to have you come together and honor me and my family in this way, touched me so very deeply.  Thank you... I'm overflowing with gratitude... and lots of tears! 

I went to bed at 5:30 last night.  I awoke at midnight, to Superman helping me out of my clothes and into pj's for bed.  I mumbled to him I was dreaming... I had this crazy dream the girls from book club made a video about me... he chuckled and told me to go back to sleep.  

    

If I'm being honest...

I'm coming up on my 1 year cancerversary.  I have extremely mixed emotions about it.  It slammed up against me walking through the doors of the Embassy Suites last week.  Last year at this time,  I hadn't been diagnosed yet, but I was growing concerned with the lump in my breast.  It didn't stop me however from fully participating in all of the experiences of the state tournament.

This year's tournament started off with a bevy of emotions I was so surprised to encounter.

The shedding started day 16, the first day of the hockey tournament.  Not clumps of hair, just all over hair shedding on a continuous basis.  I'm both fascinated by it, and a little appalled.  I find piles like dust bunnies skidding across the floor.  The back of my shirt looks furry sometimes.  I run my fingers through my hair with 6, 7, and 8 strands coming free all at once. The realization that new hair, new growth isn't replacing what is falling out, sinks in slowly.  

You think you are prepared for it.  But honestly?  The sinking feeling in your stomach tells you- not so much.  So Sara/Raquel/Victoria/Stella (??) sits on her foam head, waiting, beckoning from the tall dresser in the bedroom.  Soon enough her time will come.

 I've learned a lot about letting go... each hair is symbolic in a way, of all the things I'm leaving behind... many of which were never really mine to begin with- I just didn't know that. 

But, I feel vulnerable in ways I haven't before.  

I'm reminded to choose surrender over and over again.

Dr. Bouton called me from his cell phone late Friday night, while I was still at the hockey game.  My biopsy showed NO signs of cancer.  Smile.

Surrender.  The wound will just be what it will be. 

Big confession:  I have always been a helicopter parent.  Hovering, watching, intervening when necessary. I quickly discovered at the Embassy Suites this year,  this wasn't even remotely possible for me.  Lung mets make breathing hard work at times.  A slow burn begins and without much exertion, my lungs are on fire. I have to gauge how far and how fast I can go, constantly.  I also have to decide how to expend the limited energy I have.

I think the helicopter in me crash landed this past weekend.

With two boys wanting to play with their friends in often two different places in a large hotel, I had to trust them. With Rick working- downloading, editing, shooting photos, I was grateful every time someone would tell me they would watch the boys in the pool, or take them to the expo, or let them eat breakfast with them.  I felt on the verge of tears half the time, with realizations of my limitations coming left and right.  I had to rely on other's eyes and ears and place my trust in them, as well as in my boys.

Yesterday, I shouldn't have been surprised when Dr. Panwalkar told me my blood counts were too low to do chemo.  I lived both well and hard those past few days at the hockey tourney.

Any struggle I encountered this past week was met with an equally uplifting and supportive encounter with someone.  I'll return next Tuesday for blood work and hopefully chemo will recommence.

Tomorrow I have a pretty big day.  I will have sedation at 1:00pm, a brain MRI, then radiation simulations.  They will use a combination of scans to plot where the targeted radiation will go.  I will also have my mask formed, which goes over the back and front of my head and then is screwed down onto the table so I don't move.  Hello claustrophobia.  Hello double Xanax. 

How am I feeling about all of this?  Terrified, but surrendered.  

Not my way, but His way.  Not my time, but His time.  Not my plan, but His plan.

My plan is distraction tomorrow.  How can I pray for you?  If you have a specific request, please leave it in the comments below or email me.  

If you want to be inspired...

We should be dreaming. We grew up as kids having dreams, but now we're too sophisticated as adults, as a nation. We stopped dreaming. We should always have dreams.
Herb Brooks



It was early in the season when my little guy came home from a Spud hockey game.  Each season if the team wins their game, the boys get invited into the locker room.  Its one of the smelliest locker rooms I've ever encountered, but you can't keep our kids out of there.

The "big" boys seem to understand the our "little guys" want to be just like them when they grow up.  So the big boys, will often give our littles their broken sticks.  But Colton, was especially thrilled when his favorite goalie, Chance Bitzer asked who was a goalie, and Colton said he was.  So Chance gave him one of his sticks.  Chance is known to give his sticks often to lots of kids.  

And with each stick given, a dream grows bigger.

Playing in the Minnesota State High School Hockey tournament is a dream that begins at a young age in our boys.  The tournaments draw crowds of around 19,000 people for each game.  The fans adore their teams.  The atmosphere is electric.  Tons of scouts come looking for recruits for the USHL, NAHL, or one of the major Divison I hockey schools.  

With win number one in the books, the Spuds, were looking for win number two to secure a spot in the Championship game.  Moorhead has yet to win a State High School Hockey Title. 

Friday afternoon, the Moorhead Spuds played the team from Hill Murray for their second game.  It was a nail biter all the way through to the end.  It was hard to watch, the intensity was palpable.  It was a physical and gritty game, leaving us more defensive, than offensive.  And when the last minutes wound down off the clock, we found ourselves with a tie game.  

In a heart stopping, gut wrenching overtime period, Hill Murray scored to end the Spud's bid for the Championship.  The boys were devastated.  

The next afternoon we played for 3rd place.  But the physical and emotional toll of the game from the day before left our boys out of gas.  They gave it all they had, but lost to finish the tournament in 4th place.  See more of the game photos at Spudhockey.  

BUT... there was a really big but... 

Just after the boys came out of the locker room and were loading their bus, Rick got on our shuttle and said he had to return to the venue.  There were a few more photos he needed to take after the championship game.  He encouraged us to be sure and watch the awards ceremony at the end of the tourney.  I was on pins and needles, waiting for the big moment.

Each year there is a special award given out to one outstanding player.  According to the Herb Brooks Foundation:

"The Herb Brooks award is to be given to the most qualified hockey player in the state tournament who strongly represents the values, characteristics, and traits that defined Herb Brooks. This prestigious award will commemorate the unending influence Herb Brooks had on the sport of hockey in Minnesota and throughout the world."

Back at our hotel, the Moorhead crowd gathered around their television sets.  And when the announcer spoke the winner's name, the entire hotel erupted into cheers.  The 2012 Herb Brooks award, was given to Moorhead's goalie, Chance Bitzer!  Coach Morinville did a lot of maneuvering to facilitate Rick going down to the ice to take these photos. 

Herb Brooks' son and daughter, Dan and Kelly, with Chance.  

But Chance wasn't done being honored.  He was also elected to the All-Tournament Team. 

There was a real hero's welcome waiting the team back at the hotel.  I had goosebumps when the crowd erupted for the second time.  The Moorhead fans gathered on their balconies, down on the floor, and anywhere they could find a place to see.  

But the accolades for Bitzer weren't quite over yet.  Sunday, the goalie of the year award was given out at the Mr. Hockey awards banquet.  The 2012 Frank Brimsek award winner, was Chance Bitzer.  

I think my favorite Herb Brooks quote has to be this one:

"You can't be common, the common man goes nowhere; you have to be uncommon."

Earning a spot in the State High School Hockey Tournament is exactly what being uncommon is all about.  We're proud of Bitzer, but equally proud of all of our high school team.  Together they dreamed a big dream. And inspired all of those around them, to dare to dream their own big dream.  

This little guy had his fill of hockey this weekend.  He has his goalie stick between his knees and fell asleep on the floor for over two hours.  I have no doubt his nap was filled with sweet hockey dreams.

When underdogs prevail

Its not Florida, but you couldn't convince our kids there is any other place they'd rather be right now. We packed up Wednesday and headed to St. Paul for the Minnesota State High School Hockey Tournament. Our Moorhead Spuds earned a spot in the tournament and the kids are all on break from school.

The Spuds played their first game yesterday at the Xcel Energy center against Eagan. The top 4 teams are matched against the bottom 4 teams.  We were on the bottom, unseeded and a bit of an underdog.  I always think its easier to come into a tourney with no big expectations placed on you as a team.  That way you can play to YOUR expectations, and not worry about everyone else's.


The boys were ready hours before the game even started.  Not sure what Colton was trying for, but its the only look he would give me...

We were spoiled in the seat department... although there isn't a bad vantage point in the Xcel.

The spuds warming up...  

And now the pro shots taken by my hubby...  

Our goalie, Chance Bitzer, was unbelievably rock solid in goal yesterday.  He kept us in the game, making save after save.  We had a pretty flat first period.  But once we found the back of the net, we went on to win 4-0.  We upset a seeded team and earned a spot in to the semi finals for tonight! 

We have a large contingency of fans cheering for our boys.  We believe they can!  No team from Moorhead has won the State Championship Title, even though we've played in the final game many times.  We are due for the big win!! 

By the end of last night, we watched as all 4 seeded teams were upset by the unseeded teams, including the number one team in the state!  

Rick got a shot of us in our "lucky" seats.  For a tired woman and two active boys, this was a treat that saved the day.  I managed to preserve some energy to get me through the whole day, and I was so grateful to not have to fight crowds and wrangle boys all over.  

My big boys played with the little boys.  These two swear they are BOTH going to be goalies when the grow up.  Oops, sorry Matt.  

And this cutie?  Was so excited to tell me he skates on 2 legs now.  

Thank you to the Cullen's and Mikko, who graciously let 4 boys invade the suite, complete with a knee hockey game, and a  feast of mac-n-cheese. Mikko wasn't necessarily a Spud fan initially, but he did concede at the end they were a worthy team.  

And while we are on "break" I missed 3 calls from the clinic.  Oh well, I'm off the clock for a few days.  I guess cancer will just have to wait... 

Its no Florida, but I am inclined to think like the boys... I can't imagine myself any other place right now.  

Rekindling the flame

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us. Albert Schweitzer 


In the beginning of the hockey season, as the boys try out for their teams, there is a lot of speculation and apprehension.  As a new squirt this will be the first time we see how our kids measure up in their hockey skills.  With 4 travel teams, you want the highest level of competition for your child.  You want to know that the 5 previous years of practices, weekend games, month long camps- the hard work, sweat and tears, bumps and bruises, are all in some way "worth" it.  And when they earn a spot on the very bottom travel team, and on the second tier for their in-house team?  You wonder, "Is hockey going to be the right sport for them?"  "Do they have a future in hockey?"  


And then a transformation happens.  Every. single. year.  They get better.  All of them. They play on two teams.  A camaraderie builds, amongst the kids, but amongst the parents as well. And by the end of the season?  When the kids put their best effort forth, and they battle to the finish, and win the Squirt Cup in their year end tourney, you wonder how you got so lucky for your child to be put on these two teams.  Winning aside, you solidly know, they do measure up, in their own way, and your heart bursts with pride witnessing it all come together, for all of the teams. 

Colton's Inhouse team 4, Squirt Tier II champions!  

Colton's team member's names will be inscribed on the wooden base of the cup.

We capped off the last hockey game with... another game!  Our Squirt White travel team took on their parents in a game!  There were some real troopers out there, both moms and dad, taking the ice with very little experience, but a big desire to get out there with their son.  

And these are the hockey moms below, who moved me to tears.  I started getting texts from friends and family a few weeks back.  Did I know?  A group of women had set up a booth with hats, necklaces, pins, spirit fingers, etc., with all the proceeds going to the Westra Family.  

But they didn't just set up for one game, or one weekend.  They set up numerous times, for numerous hours.  They volunteered their time to sew, and to sit, and to help.  

Shoot, I'm tearing up all over again.  They presented me Sunday night with a gift.  They donated all their proceeds, a very generous amount, to our medical fund.  In the bag they gave to me, were envelopes with all the days they had worked, and all the accounting of the funds they had received.  I stopped myself short of completely falling apart- just barely.  

But they weren't even done yet.  They had this beautiful blanket made for me to take to chemo.  They had the boys photoshopped together into this photo they had printed on a warm and comfy blanket.  And there is my Sara's words "All Shall be Well," printed in the banner at the bottom.  

Time and time again, people have come together for our family.  I'm humbled BEYOND belief and still clinging to the idea, this is not about ME.  I'm part of something much bigger than one soul, one spirit, one person.  A current of goodness and blessings is flowing, in and around us and I am simply a conduit.

Every time shadows cast darkness on my path, people enter my world to "rekindle my spark."  

My biopsy went well.  Dr. Bouton put some lidocaine in and took three samples from different areas of the wound.  He said "Now don't be strong, well, you are always strong, but don't be too strong to tell me it hurts."  But it didn't hurt.  My flame, sparked by all of you, is burning bright.  

Biopsy results in the next few days.  

when it swirls around

I'm caught up in a swirl of details, flurrying around, like flakes of snow, prancing, dizzy in the wind.  The second part of my chemo last week went better.  I got pre-meds for my pre-meds.  In 30 years of nursing, my chemo nurse has never heard of this before.  But they worked.  No red sunburn and rash on my face.  No flu symptoms.  Mild achy joints, and fatigue mostly.  But I am out of bed, more than in.  Progress, my friends.  I'll take it.

Of course, my wound has decided to expand into a canyon now, and earned me the golden ticket right back to Dr. Bouton.  The plan is for him to do a biopsy on Tuesday, to make sure no cancer cells are lurking in the wound.  My hope is that this will be a superficial sample of tissue he takes, so that I am not required to lay in bed for two days like last time to keep it from bleeding.

A lot of home made love has made its way through my door.  I thought I'd share a sample of it.  I'm behind in acknowledging everything coming my way- please forgive me!  We've had delicious meals, heartfelt notes- a Subway gift card and lots of emails and texts.

This card came from Jenn in Georgia and "love" exploded in hearts all over when I took the card out of the envelope.  She called it a "love bomb."  Thank you Jenn!

This beautiful card came with a book filled with recipes for juicing and the blue tube scarf below.  Thank you Angie!

I loved the quote on this one and was touched by the thoughtfulness and craftiness of Doris, along with the generosity of her and her husband- Thank you!

How cute are these hats?  This is from my friend Elizabeth and this is a "Sassyknitwear" hat.  Its made out of soft and stretchy recycled organic fabric and I wore it the other day completely for warmth and comfort.  Their site is definitely worth a visit!  Thanks Elizabeth!

The tube scarf from Angie.  I love how everyone remembers my favorite color is blue!

Day 13 and my hair is still surprisingly holding tight.  But here she( I think she needs a name) is... on standby.  Colton giggled through his fingers when I tried it on for him.  Nolan, acting more like 18 than 11, told me excitedly that is looks just like my own hair.  He smiled like it was no big deal and said "it actually looks good mom."   Of course that made it better on the spot.   

We had an exciting weekend of hockey and an extremely surprising, generous, and amazing gift from Colton's hockey team... just wait till you see!  More coming soon...