Kismet

My Grandma Held used to have a stack of old board games in her basement. The one I remember the most was one called "Kismet." I don't think we ever found the directions or even played it although it reminded me of Yahtzee. But what I do recall is that someone once told me that kismet means: fate or destiny.

Kismet is what I would call the way in which we suddenly have found ourselves as dog owners once again! Introducing... Crosby, formerly known as Kirby. A childhood friend who read about our failed dog rescue attempts generously contacted us about him. It seems that they have two puppies, and have been contemplating a change in lifestyle. Maybe we would be helping each other out? It didn't take much of a discussion on our part, Crosby is exactly what we had been looking for. He is definitely a busy little guy, but we happen to have a busy oldest boy who took to him instantly and the two of them have been partners in crime all weekend long.

So while the boys have been getting used to all things puppy, I have felt my energy drain.  My color has faded and I know my previously low blood counts, have plummeted once again.  I spent Sunday mostly in bed and hope to regain some strength for the upcoming week.  Its just me and this little cutie all day and I am so gonna need to be on top of my game!

Opening and closing...

We spent Labor Day at the lake in cool weather.  Nolan was still determined to enjoy one last ride on the  jet ski, but he shivered the whole way.  I spent the day cleaning and bossing the boys around when I needed help with shaking out rugs, and sweeping and mopping floors, etc.  Its closing time...

... and its opening time.  School started!  It was a frantic morning getting the boys off while I prepared to go to Roger Maris for my 8th round of chemo.  Colton was all smiles.  He showered and picked out his clothes the night before.  He eats breakfast at school so he was ready within minutes of getting up.  Third grade this year,  how did that happen? 

Nolan put off everything for yesterday morning... then he panicked.  "Mom, do you remember where my locker is?  Where are my clothes?  Can you make me some breakfast?  Oh, the bus just went by... I'm riding bike to school..."  Fifth grade, and he is on autopilot cruising through his last year of Elementary school...  crazy to see that last line I just typed...

I flipped my "chemo" bag over by accident yesterday.  Notebooks, pens, all my bottles of pills, my Gin-Gins, all went flying.  I had to maneuver my iv pole around without pulling on the needle sticking out of my chest and try to retrieve all of my stuff.  Sadly, as I unpacked my bag this morning, I discovered my gratitude journal missing.  The clinic is on the look out for it... I feel so lost without it already.

... in the balance...

A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life. William Arthur Ward

I warned the boys about the ball going into the lake, off the shed roof, into the neighbors flowers, and down into the fire pit.  I should know better.  Next time I'll add, getting stuck up high in the tree wedged between two sticks!  Only my boys could achieve this result.  It took the marshmallow roasting stick to poke it out it out of the tree.  

I think the ball is pretty symbolic of our crazy week coming up.  School starts tomorrow!  And while the boys are off at their first day, I'll be getting lab work done, seeing Dr. Panwalkar and then having chemo.  Our perch may be a bit precarious and a little "up in the air," but we're hangin' in there for the duration... and our sense of humor is completely intact! Sometimes you just have to laugh... 

being 11...

People ask me all the time how the kids are doing and I answer they are doing well.  And they are.  But  after spending 3 months with them all day, I have a better sense that I am not the only one touched by cancer.  Its just more subtle with the boys, and they don't always have words to articulate how it makes them feel.

We laughed at Colton the other day.  His comment was, "well I don't get to do anything cause mom is sick in bed every day..."  We had to laugh, because its simply not true.  We teased him about all the things we've done and he had to admit that might have been an exaggeration.  But I do get that is how he perceives me.

And Nolan?

Being 11 hasn't been easy on him.  We've tried unsuccessfully several times now to rescue a golden retriever.  The organization warned us that the young dogs go fast.  Every time we've inquired about just corresponding with a foster family, we've been told that dog is spoken for already.  Nolan gets his hopes up so high- theres been Jack, Susie, Gunner, and Booster as of late.  All spoken for.  We were a step closer with Jack than we've been with the other dogs- our family's file made it to the foster family to review.  But it was rejected because they felt Jack needed a fence.   Nolan sobbed.   He had already picked out the spot where Jack was going to sleep, next to his bed of course.  I know he just desperately wants that unconditional bond of love with a pet that he misses.

He has such a big heart.  His emotions can be so intense sometimes and anger flashes at times when he is covering up for how hurt he is.  Its later that he verbalizes how filled with remorse he is over his words, and how defeated he feels.

He's been camping out on our bedroom floor at night.  He waits till we are asleep and then sneaks quietly in with his pillow and blanket.   He has turned down going to 3 birthday parties this summer, and two sleep overs. He doesn't want to leave my side.  Its all I can do to convince him to go play at one or two friends houses on occasion.  But he either can't stay long or his friends can't play at all and I see how sad it makes him, but he'll tell me its okay, he just wants to be close to home and check on me anyways.   He is 11 sometimes, sometimes 30.

So we're bonding- this togetherness of him and I.  I see how very Tween he really is.  He and his Dad built this form for stick handling.  He is out in the garage every day with his stick and a ball weaving it in and out.  He is creating discipline.   He has also gotten strong enough to help Rick do some demo at my mom's old house.  He swung the hammer like a pro and stuck with it all day.  He has grown a ton this summer and is long and lean.  But I still find the little boy in him.  I'll find him making a team out of his stuffed animals and turning the basement into a baseball field.  The couch cushions double for bases and his stuffed animals get a work out around those bases.  

He is excited for 5th grade.  Many of his friends are in his class this year and he has such a fun teacher again. And then I see that smile fill his face when he speaks of seeing his friends every day at school... and I am hopeful for him.  For us.  Cancer is leaving its mark on both of us- our hearts just continue to expand together. 

"... where the light enters you"

"Dance, when you're broken open. Dance, if you've torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you're perfectly free."   ~ Rumi

My bandages were ripped off one final time.  My wire stitches came out, my drain was removed and I was given a new found freedom.  I drove the car after two weeks of being at the mercy of my husband.  The boys and I escaped the house and drove to Target, with the windows down, the sun streaming in, and me wincing at every turn of the steering wheel, but turning nonetheless.

I'm driving straight into it.  The pain when I raise my arm too high, or too quick.  The hour it takes to figure out what fits, what works, what I can jerry-rig together to get by.  The seams that rub wounds raw, the straps that bind, the undergarments that pucker with emptiness.

And abundance that fills my cup again and again...

"The wound is the place where the Light enters you."   ~ Rumi

These are the flowers that grew- when I didn't plant any, nada, nothing, none.  Not one flower, seed or plant.  This is our bounty.  "Volunteer" tomatoes, and flowers from seeds leftover from last year.  It was in my heart, deeply, on my mind, steadily.  I didn't plant anything this spring.  And it grew anyway.  The provision of God.  The light shines deeply.

August retreat...

After the pace we kept these past few weeks, our energy drained this weekend and we retreated to the lakes. It was a late start for us, but we arrived in time for a quick campfire and roasted marshmallows before we fell into bed. The boys have preferred to camp out in the same room as us so its been cozy.

I even forgot my camera.  But my cell phone filled in nicely.  Rick took the boys on a fishing, tubing, jet skiiing adventure while I read upstairs inside.  With the windows open I could hear their conversations and felt close by.  I read uninterrupted for hours.  We left our cell phones in the kitchen, our computers behind, and slid off the radar quite easily.

I'm a week and half out from surgery.  Each day I do a little more.  My skin pulls tight when I reach too far, stretch too far, the incision lets me know when to stop.  So my left hand prevails with some wimpy right hand help.  

Clothes continue to be a challenge, although not so much in how they look, no.  Its how the seams inside the top rubs underneath my arm where the incision extends into my arm pit.  So far I have a trio of tops that work, concealing somewhat the bulky drain, or my JP, and not cutting too tightly into my armpit.  Fashion has taken a back seat to comfort for now.  Which seems to fit my stay at home status with the boys.  I still can't drive- way too much pull on the stitches- but hopefully by Thursday when they come out I will get the go ahead.  We're ready for a bit more freedom!  

Hey, another bracelet photo!  This is the lovely Rachel from Alaska, who is the granddaughter of Willy and Terry Shercliffe.  They sent me the actual photo and I told them it was too bad I couldn't scan it and use it.  Looks like someone figured out how to scan and I am so glad to add her in with the rest of you!  Thanks Rachel!

Aren't they pretty?  As if her home made chocolate brownie cupcakes, a card and generous gift of money weren't enough, my Godmother and Aunt Carol brought these over as we were dashing off to the lake. I'm so touched she thought of me when she saw this and ran it right over...  

I am still so moved by everyone's gracious and generous acts.  Having masses said for me, being put on prayer lists, writing personal and encouraging notes, delivering meals- (all of last week my book club friends delivered food to us), cleaning my house, offering to do laundry.  

5 months in and you all haven't left my side.  Thanks for making a girl feel special and most of all very loved... 

Answers

These past two weeks are practically a blur. Each day would have been a blog worthy day in itself, but I'm sharing a few highlights in one post instead.  Skip ahead to the bottom if you finally want to hear all about my scan results... didn't mean to leave anyone hanging...

Last Thursday, the day before my surgery on Friday, was the golf benefit...


We had a perfect day for the golf benefit and I managed to take a couple of photos with my camera before everyone tee'd off.  I was crying tears of gratefulness, before I even got out the door that day, and wondered how emotionally, I would hold up.  But my grin was pretty much permanent from that moment on and I just felt lucky... completely totally indebted to so many and like the luckiest girl ever.


Our extended hockey families represented well at the golf tournament!  The Staffords, Tami D, and The Watelands, along with friend Ryan J...

The "Refs" and Cooper were the winners... Each of these guys ref hockey and ref games all the way from youth hockey up to high school, and even the WCHA.  

The Connelly Family- Grant in white was on Nolan's hockey team.  

This is part of the Golf committee- Kelly, Shelly, Kim and my sister-in-law Missy.  You guys rock!  Everything ran so smoothly and was so fun! 

Our thanks also to the Johnson family who allowed us use of the Ponderosa Golf Course and helped ensure our day was a big success!  

I went home and rested a good hour or so before it was time to go to Gio's for the silent auction and karaoke to begin.  I was completely blown away by the amount of items, and the complete giving nature of so many people.  Rick and I were drooling at so many of the cool items, totally making a list of what we would have bid on.  Like this cool hockey stick chair made by Todd... 

Sweet Angie put together this cute and delicious package of baked goods and dishes.  I was so happy to see my mother-in-law come home with this!  

Kevin and Kim put together these baskets with wine.  And the wine?  Well they brew it at home!  They even customized the labels to say "Fight Like a Girl."  One day, I just have to try a glass of the wine.  

Ben and Jen donated this awesome Sioux Logo sign.  The Sioux logo is being retired amidst much controversy, which makes this piece especially collectible. 

The tables lined the outer walls of the room and wrapped almost all the way around.  This is just a small sampling of the items and I was completely surprised and overwhelmed at this continued outpouring of goodness. 

Looking for a fresh fundraising idea?  This could be it!  I had to leave early and missed the singing, but I am told it was a fun time!  Had I stayed my 20 bucks would have slid quickly across the table- you'd be so happy with my decision to NOT SING.  All too soon it was 9:30 and with a 5 am wake up time to get ready for surgery, I knew I had to go.  I hated to leave, but I am told a good time was had well into the wee hours of the morning. Thanks to Julie, Jen and Angie S., for all their work in collecting the items, and setting them all up- you girls are simply the best!

I rode the current of good will right into the surgery the next day.  I am convinced it made me sail right through the whole thing.  The anesthesiologist spoke to me briefly Friday morning.  She had a few extra minutes so she started to share with me about two women she knows and how positive they were and how cancer was helping them see things in a whole new way.  I smiled... and thought to myself... oh if she only knew...  she could say she knew 3 people now.  

Saturday, this is what awaited me when I arrived home from the hospital...

These, well these need no words.  Only words of thanks because they seriously made my day and continue to lift my spirits daily.  Everyone who visits, comments instantly on how good the house smells and how breathtakingly beautiful both my bouquets are.  Thank you Matt and Julie...

And thank you to Dustin and Heather and John and Linda.  Linda is also a breast cancer survivor and her daughter Julie, (my sister-in-law) was Nolan's age when Linda was first diagnosed.  I know this journey is all too familiar to them, and they have been a huge encouragement to me this entire time! 

So I didn't mean to leave you all hanging as to what my scan results were last week.  On Saturday, Dr. Bouton shared with me that there seemed to be some inconsistencies in my lengthy ct scan report.  From what he briefly read, they were reporting 4 new lesions in my liver.  But the breast seemed to be about the same, and the spine looked about the same.  

4 new lesions was all I needed to hear to know I would be taken off the study.  BUT, I also knew I needed to wait to see Dr. Panwalkar on Tuesday.  Truthfully, I didn't disbelieve the results, but something seemed off.  How did I go from 0 to 4 spots in my liver but my spine and breast tumors looked stable?  It didn't add up to me, but I knew Dr. P would get to the bottom of it.

So I arrived for my appt. on Tuesday expecting to be told I was off the study and had to start a new chemo.  I figured I would be allowed to even postpone chemo that day and schedule a new day for it since I wouldn't be so confined by the rules of the study. Chemo just 4 days after mastectomy just seems so daunting.

BUT I WAS WRONG...  and this is where I fully know this whole experience is so much bigger than I. Someone flagged my CT Scan so Dr. Panwalkar would pay special attention to it.  He did.  He disagreed with the radiologist and took the scan back to the first radiologist who did my first scan.  They concurred- THERE ARE STILL NO LESIONS IN MY LIVER!  I still have 1 cyst, but otherwise my liver is clean and free of cancer.  My spine is stable... the lymph nodes are stable!  Wow...

I am still on the study!  

I looked at Dr. P and said "Well, I guess I'll be doing chemo today..."  We all laughed... I was both bummed, and completely elated to be doing chemo on Tuesday.

Yesterday was one of the toughest days I've had in a long time.  I was flat on my back sick from chemo and even Zofran failed to keep the nausea at bay.  I ached from head to toe.  I completely threw out any vegan eating and turned to comfort foods, including drinking Sprite.  A good night's sleep was finally the solution.

Whew.  And today I went back to see Dr. Bouton.  I woke up feeling better and took my meds right away.  I ate some toast and felt fine.  I told Dr. Bouton I am doing well.  He checked me over and said to  come back in a week to get my stitches out and my drain out.  And then he said, "you're not just doing well, I'd say you're doing very well."  

Funny how those little things put an extra beat in your heart and you stand just a little taller.  So grateful to have you all standing with me!