tackling cancer with the Spuds...

My heart started to pound a little with nervousness.  Mr. Cole wanted to talk with Rick and I, as we arrived for school conferences for Colton.  Could we step inside the conference room?

I try to not be overly concerned.  

But Mr. Cole assures us it has very little to do with Colton, and everything to do with Rick, and I.

In honor of "tackling cancer," night at the Spud Football game, would I like to carry the football out to the coach at the start of the game?

It was Jim Gotta who carried the ball the game before.  And before that, Chase Morlock- both football heroes from Moorhead.  

And now I was being asked? 

It's clearly written all over my face how honored I was.  The boys too,  didn't hesitate to walk with us.  

It was pretty chilly last night.  But when the National Anthem finished playing, we heard our names and began the walk from the goalpost out to where Coach Feeney and his players awaited us.  

I handed the ball off to Coach, who then leaned in and hugged me.  Then Joey, a senior football player, handed me the beautiful pink roses and hugged me as well.  

We turned for Rick's Dad, Jim, to take our picture and then scurried off the field so the football game would start.  

So proud to be a Spud.  

It was Erin, the PA I saw last week for my doctor's appointment.  My tumor markers have started to climb.  We simply watch the way they trend, and with increases the last 3 times or so, it's likely time to scan again soon, and re-evaluate treatment.  

So we're coping with it all in the best possible way- we're running away!

Yep- all 4 of us! 

We're Pittsburgh bound in a few days! 

We'll have a house full of friends and family watching Crosby for us, as we load up the truck and go.  

My one word for 2016, is choose.

When I think of "expanding" my time- living the length, the width and the depth of all my moments is exactly how I will "choose" to live as full as I can.  

Trip photos to follow soon!! 

Choose Joy and a giveaway!

It might be my favorite gift of the holiday season.  Sara's book is being released January 5th-today!  I was lucky enough to be a part of the "launch team." Since we had a  PDF file of the book sent to us, imagine my utter delight in opening a package with Sara's and Mary's book inside!  

Sara blogged at Gitzen Girl starting 2008.  We were blogging buds from the start- and soul sisters shortly thereafter.  As my friend Robin, at All Things Heart and Home, so succinctly says in her post...

"Sara, a beautiful vibrant young woman, developed a rare autoimmune disease in her twenty’s and suffered with ever increasing and debilitating pain for nearly 20 years...  But something else was increasing throughout those years…Sara’s trust in God which resulted in Sara exuding this fantastically beautiful spirit of joy."  So well said, Robin!  If you want another beautiful perspective and a chance to win a copy of the book you should visit Robin today! 

It was months after my stage iv breast cancer diagnosis that our sweet Gitz went to her heavenly home, in 2011.  But first she took the time to breathe as much life into me, through her faith and joy filled words, on a "virtual couch," on facebook, she made for Robin and I too "sit" and talk with each other.

I brought the book to chemo and dove right in.  But it wasn't until this weekend that I truly squirreled myself away in quiet and found myself dog-earring pages.  Then underlining in pink.  Then writing notes in the margins.  Soaking it in, cherishing her words, embracing her keen insight and shedding fresh tears for how close her words make her feel to me.  That urge is ever present to fling out a text,  pound out an email, or pick up the phone and call.  Yet a part of me knows, shes here, close by, with the flush of her wings stirring the air every now and again.

As I sat thinking about her life, her lessons, and how she mentored me to live with a terminal diagnosis, long before I knew I would need it, I had also been looking for my new word for the year 2016.  

As I sat re-reading the passages I had underlined, I saw a theme keep showing up.  Two words.  And choose was always a part of them.  And while joy was often the second one, many other words were used as well.  Trust, hope, faith, gratitude, purpose, God, etc.

Then on page 27 she talks about the last time she went outside.  She'd gone to visit her doctor for what would be the last time.  And knowing her body would react in a harsh way to the air and allergens outside, she came back to the condo and relished a few minutes with her mom and dad on the patio.  

"A lot of things aren't going right because I left the house on Thursday.  But I choose the joy.  I choose the conversation, the relationships, the breeze and the sunshine.  And I especially choose the French fries."

That's our Sara!  And that's why I am choosing the word "choose," in honor of her.  I pray that "joy" is my go to word.  As she so wisely says "I choose the joy. When something is going badly and I'm dwelling on it, I think instead of something for which I am grateful for.  I swear to you, it's as simple as that.  You just have to decide today, and again tomorrow.  And before you know it, you'll have an attitude of joy more than any other attitude you have at your disposal."

Choose Joy

I hope all of you will get a chance to choose Sara's book= Choose Joy.  You may even find a few words in it from a friend of Sara's named, *cough* Vicky!  I knew of one of the parts, but to turn the page and suddenly see my name and one of the many, many questions I posed to her... humbled and honored to say the least.

So just in case you can't get your copy just now- In honor of our sweet Sara, I'd like to give one copy away!  

Please leave a comment below and I'll pick a winner at 5 pm on Thursday night through random.org with winner announced at a later date!  

I'm off to see Dr. Panwalkar today with results from my PET scan.  Then off to chemo infusion for the afternoon, hopefully wrapping up in time for Nolan's hockey games tonight.  

Its a blessed day- I pray you all decide to "choose," to live it to its fullest today! 

Choosing...

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us. Albert Schweitzer 

The collage below is part of the "rekindled spark" I have felt over the past few days.  From cards with heartfelt messages, to books, to the beautiful prayer bracelet (it has a small box on it to enclose a written prayer and carry it with you- love it!), to the anonymous and completely beyond generous donation inside the blank envelope without a hint of where it came from, to the also beyond generous gift from a friend and her brilliantly funny card, to the box from Hawaii (via Houston) with more lotion-love, I spent my morning, basking in the gratitude that overflowed in my heart, spilling into the words I wrote in thank you notes that I mailed yesterday.  It. felt. good.  

I do perhaps, need to grow my vocabulary.  Just how do you say thank you that fully conveys the explosion that happens in your heart every time thoughtfulness and selfless generosity parades through your door?  

I whisper almost continuously, "make me worthy, Lord, make me worthy of so much abundance."  "Help us pay it forward. Keep my hands open to both receive and not grab too tightly so that I may give in proportion to what I receive." 

You see, its all in the choosing.  Every day really.  And I forget sometimes I have the ability to do so.  To choose.  Not so much what happens to me.  But how I will deal with it.  I just have to choose.  Just like our Gitzen Girl, Sara, taught us. (If you are new around here- my sweet friend Sara's story is not one to miss out on.  She has been in her heavenly home nearly two years now, but her story lives on in so many of us.) 

My friend, Gitzen Girl came across my radar in the most unusual way the other night.  Through Instagram.  Now I am fairly certain Instagram arrived on the scene long after she went to her heavenly home, but not only does she have an account?  But its followed by hundreds of people.  No posts from her, no photos, just a legacy that makes people want to include her still, to be in community with her.  Much in the way many have had her tag line, "choose joy," tattooed onto them.  This is one of the tattoos- in Sara's replicated handwriting that she graciously shared with us. 

I don't have a tattoo, other than two circles, dots really,  they made on my chest to line me up for radiation to my spine last year.  They don't really count as "tats."  But if I were ever off chemo and my skin were of the healing variety, I would get a "choose joy" tat.  

Sara defined joy as this "Joy: the unwavering trust that God knows what He’s doing and has blessed me with the opportunity to be a part of it… not despite what’s happening in my life but because of it. When everything earthly feels heavy He gives me an internal lightness that can’t be touched."

Amen to that.  Now I just need to remember that the other word is equally important.  

Choose.

Last week, I struggled with my ability to choose.  

This week- I'm all the way in- choosing joy.  Choosing gratitude. Choosing life.  

I saw Dr. P on Tuesday.  I was on my own as Rick was busy with work.  My platelets have dropped a little, but the rest of my blood work looks stable.  I will continue on with 4 pills of Tykerb daily and we'll scan again in a few months.  I will have a brain mri next week to check and see if the targeted therapy to my brain worked.  

Rather spontaneously, in the midst of discussing my case, Dr. P looks at me and says "so you are a writer?  You've been published?  Magazines?  And you have a blog?"

I rather sheepishly respond in the affirmative.

He goes on to say "People keep telling me these things about you, and I feel as though suddenly I barely know you!"  

I share with him he is rather "famous."  And that its "all good." He slowly smiles, and says "thank you."  I think its fair to say, he truly has no idea.  I also think that is totally fine. 

And then in the way that makes me admire him so- we dove right back into discussing my case.

holding on... choosing Him

"...life is hard, unfair, painful. But life is also guaranteed- to offer unexpected and sudden moments of beauty, joy, love, acceptance, euphoria. It is our ability to recognize and then hold on to the moments of good stuff that allows us to survive, even thrive. And when we can share the beauty, hope is restored." 

Muriel Barberry, The Elegance of the Hedgehog 

I've kept this on my computer stand because it's beautiful, it came as a surprise gift from a beautiful soul, and I've needed the reminder in big doses.  Thank you Mary.  In fact, just look at all the things that landed at my feet while I was on the hunt for joy.

Snow!  Its warm outside and it isn't guaranteed to stay.  I'll take it!  Its as close to a white Christmas as we'll get. Yep, I snoozed through the weather last night and it came as a complete surprise.  Last year at this time we already had two feet of it!  We're setting records of another kind and spirits around here reflect the warmth and reprieve from a harsh winter thus far.  

My clever and creative and funny and beautiful friend Amy made these- out of hockey socks!  They're felt on the inside for warmth, in our school colors, and they have a skate lace for decoration!  What hockey-loving person wouldn't adore these?  She is selling them for $20 and you should email me for details if you'd like to know about getting some for yourself! 

These are from my other beautiful, clever, crafty, and all things love-filled friend, Robin.  Sigh... I adore her and she knows how to bring comfort and warmth like no other.  

So you all came out in droves of support ... literally.  Goodies came to my door, my email is bursting at the seams, and the cards and letters have stuffed our mailbox.  Plus, some very, very, extremely generous people have stepped up to ensure our Christmas is Merry.  We're honored and humbled.  

I've steeped in your words of faith, hope, healing and love.  

They were a balm to my battered mind and spirit.  

My daily devotional today had this message: He could have roared on top of a mountain, but he whispered in the voice of a baby.  He could have ordered our obedience; instead he calls for our hearts.  Choose Him.  - Sheila Walsh

In the midst of dizzy...

In the midst of dizzy I found...

Thoughtfulness.

I'm often quite struck with the thoughtfulness that comes from such a diversity of people too. We received a delicious meal last Friday, just spur of the moment.  Susan, the lasagna was restaurant -worthy and wonderful!  We devoured it over the weekend.  Thank you for nourishing and enriching our lives with your always thoughtful gestures! 

I also found...

A compassionate soul in a young girl.

This beautiful scarf came in the mail from the young daughter of a high school classmate of mine. Katie said she saw this yarn at the store and in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, thought I might enjoy a warm pink scarf to wear. Besides, she is a hockey sister, and knew that I am a hockey mom and we will both spend numerous hours freezing in the cold at the hockey rink. I'm extremely touched that she would think of doing this for me.  Thank you Katie, Kristen and Marty!  

I also found...

reassurance.

You see, I asked God for a bit of a distraction, to help me focus elsewhere so I wouldn't get too mired in dizzy. Apparently someone was listening.  Isn't that how it goes?  One thing comes to occupy our every waking moment, and in asking to be distracted? Boy, was I ever.  

I would have to say this provided a major distraction ... it seems that my incision is revolting against the stitches again.  Fluid is leaking out and about an inch of my incision is crusty and scabby again.  I had to make an emergency visit last Friday to Dr. Bouton.  He was reassuring in that he still thinks I am healing.  That whatever fluid was in, has mostly come out again.  And the layers should want to go together, rather than separate.  I will see him again later this week.  See?  Distracted, and reassured. 

These were awaiting me when I returned home.  My mother brought them for me and then stayed and watched the kids so Rick and I could go to our hockey social.  I was way too happy to see so many of my favorite hockey people to worry about either dizziness or leaking incisions that won't heal.

Then, I found love, unexpected in my mail box.

Saturday morning these arrived from my dear blogging friend, Robin, from All Things Heart and Home. She is the sweet friend who for 4 years now, has sent Sara and I pink warm fuzzy socks, and we have days that call for all of us to wear them together.  In honor of Sara, I have a feeling I will wear these and think of her and our special Robin, often.  Thank you Robin!  Robin has a beautiful blog that inspires, one you should definitely visit!

And thats when "joy" showed up.

Speaking of Sara, this morning, after a long night with a frazzled and tired out boy, who is surrendering to stress he feels coming at him from everywhere, well this was peeking out of my mailbox.   Its my Gitzen Girl inspired necklace made by Donna of Beans and Beads.  I ordered it just last week.  The little silver cap on top of the bead says "Sara." 

I'm reminded often, in all of this, the messy of our lives, we always have a choice.  Today, the choice is easy, Joy is what I will reach for.  How about you?  What do you find in the midst of messy?