Friday, November 16, 2012

Righting the ship

“To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest. To live fully is to be always in no-man's-land, to experience each moment as completely new and fresh. To live is to be willing to die over and over again. ” 
― Pema Chödrön,

If you could've taken a picture, you'd see me in near the same position as Crosby the last few days.  Nolan passed along his cold to me and I was down for the count starting Tuesday.

Tuesday would have been Carole's 70th Birthday.  She was mightily on our minds and in our hearts that day as Superman drove me to infusion. 

It was also the first time I've had a laundry list of symptoms to report to the infusion nurse.  From the mundane like cold symptoms to the dizziness plaguing me lately, to the growing lymph node under my arm.  She noted them all and said Dr. Panwalkar would see her note later that day.

I was surprised when minutes later, I looked up from writing in my gratitude journal to see Dr. P standing in the doorway.  "Vicky, you look great- your hair is growing so much!  Lets check out that lymph node."  He examines me and agrees that it has grown.  We watch and wait for now, and I know a change in treatment awaits me in the future.

Tuesday we can't seem to right the ship no matter what. We list off to the side, taking on water and feeling like we can't bail fast enough.

Wednesday is Superman's birthday.  We will address my dizziness through the routine 3 month MRI that has already been scheduled.  Between my cold and sedation for the MRI, there will be little celebrating this day.  Superman holds down the fort while fitfully I sleep.  

Thursday I meet with Dr. Foster.  On a day he isn't scheduled to come into Roger Maris, he agrees to see me, knowing its hard to wait for MRI results.  My doctors and nurses have really come through for me this week. 

I notice the sun shining brightly as I enter the building. 

Whether I am still groggy from sedation the day before, or still trying to bounce back from Tuesday, I am not as anxious as I would normally feel.  I quietly think its all the prayer (from all of you dear readers) I feel moving in and around me.

Dr. Foster is cheerful and gets right to the heart of the matter.

"Your scans show the spot in your head is stable.  And there are no new spots."  "I'm very happy with that, its good." 

And here is where I want to tell you I feel like celebrating.  And while I am certainly happy, its relief that I feel.  It feels like a reprieve.  It feels like more time.  I'm timid and shy with my news.

Stable feels like the giant is sleeping and we've managed to tiptoe around him and keep him at bay a bit longer.   So I am whispering good news instead of shouting.  Offering praise and thanksgiving to Him for answered prayers.  Basking in the fullness of the small moments of today.  

We have no explanation for the dizziness, no accounting for why my wound has opened big again.

The ship still lists to the side- but I realize we aren't bailing alone. We're working on our sea legs- preparing for the next storm. 

Thank you- to all who have called, texted, emailed- sent bread, cards, checks, donations, and prayers.  It takes an army to keep that giant at bay, and I am so grateful to have warriors like you! 


  1. Praising God and thanking Him for you sweet sister. Love.

  2. Every day is a good day Vicky.
    No one knows if he/she will wake up tomorrow these days.
    Everything is so unpredictable.
    Enjoy love, life, and fight for health.
    Eat food that detoxifies, drink lots of water, take vitamins
    and don't shirk garlic and onions as they scare vampires away you know lol
    Just might work for cancer too.

  3. What could I possibly add to the perfect comments from Kelly and A Lady's Life? I AM glad this week is over for you and you have some answers (about some things) for another three months. And I'm TRULY thankful that nothing woke the sleeping giant, as you put it, and aptly so.

    Please Father, heal Vicky's wound. This has just gone on too long and we ask you to touch her and cause her body to address this assault and send reinforcements. Please give her answers to the lymph gland that has increased and may it be that it is working overtime trying to help heal this wound. Give her recovery and relief from this cold as it complicates everything and lays another layer of burden on top of a very heavily laden camel's back. We love you, Lord, and thank you for friends and family who are so faithful and loving. May you bless them richly as well and, as we prepare for a time to reflect and give thanks, we thank you ABUNDANTLY for Vicky who will be sitting down with her family this year and for every day you have given her and will give her. Thank you for the army of support people who have reported for love-duty with happy, affectionate, and willing hearts to make Vicky and her family's burden lighter. May you show us all how to get our eyes on and actually see the people you have placed around us and how we might share what you have entrusted to us - be it time, money, or heart. Equip us, Father, and then don't let us forget until we have done the good you have sent us to do. Amen.

  4. Well, if you were nodding your head along with me, I am also nodding along with uou. I have thought of you often this week. So, so thankful for your news of stable and less anxiety as you waited. Hope your weekend is restful.

  5. May that sleeping giant continue his long rest (and if I get a vote, he could go into a coma.)
    I pray that your wound will not only begin to heal, but will completely heal.
    Take care of you, my Sister.
    Prayers continue for you....always.
    Sending you love,

  6. Praying for some smooth sailing for you soon.

  7. Praying that your ship is upright and sailing in calm waters very soon! Hope your cold is better sooner than later, Vicky. Plenty of rest, Vitamin C, zinc as well as chicken soup should get you feeling more like yourself!

    Take care, my friend.

    Hugs! Eileen

  8. Prayers, always prayers sent your way several times a day...wishing you calmer seas so your ship can stabilize. Happy belated Birthday to Superman. Hoping your week-end will be filled with rest, love and healing xo

  9. What can I add to A Lady's Life's comment! Perfect.

    So happy you can celebrate this Thanksgiving Day with some thankful news.

  10. oh sweetie.....i wish i could just come by and sit with you, laugh with you, cry with you, steady your ship for you, rub your back for you.....anything. big hugs to you sweet friend !!!

  11. sweet gracious Vicky

    please know i wish we could go out for coffee or lunch - i wish i could hug you! i know i can't tell you everything will be ok - but I know all shall be well - you are amazing and i hope you know how special you are to me!


  12. Whisper away, Vicky. I agree that's the best way to handle this kind of giant. As far as I'm concerned, he can sleep on for decades and decades. I am whispering words of hope-filled gratitude with you. :)

  13. I am praying for you and your family. I hope you have a blessed Thanksgiving!

  14. Cause for quiet celebration, indeed.

    Celebrating the glory of stable. The wonder of no new spots. Quietly hold these celebrations close, dear Vicky, and let our loud voices of praise and gratitude ring out.


  15. Celebrate every win and this is a win. Sinus causes dizziness for me. So happy for you. Keep your mind strong and the rest will follow. You and your boys are always in my prayers. You all deserve this as you have all worked incredibly hard to tiptoe around the sleeping giant. And he is going to have a long, long sleep. Xxx

  16. Glad to hear things are stable. Keeping you in my prayers, sweet friend!
    Happy Thanksgiving!

  17. Love you, Vicky! Thankful for 'stable' even when things are so tilt-a-whirly that you're seasick.



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