Uff da

My computer fried in the storm the other day. So I am attempting a post from the IPad. I am hoping Superman has super techy powers as that computer is on life support and without it I feel as though I am too.

I met with Dr. Bouton, the breast surgeon yesterday. He had a cancellation and so I grabbed the chance to get in to see him. Of course we have just two things planned for August, a golf tourney benefit, on the 11th, and a big trip to the ocean on the 18th or so. But we sat quietly listening to the surgeons busy schedule. His first opening was August 10th. Shoot... The room grew quiet. I took a breath and told him about the benefit. He sat for a moment and then said he'd make some calls and see what he could do. Maybe it was his Texas cowboy charm, or I don't know what act of God given grace occurred, but he came back with a date of August 12th. Thank you God.

With a mastectomy date on board, we now have a few more hurdles to clear. I need to complete genetic counseling, have lab work done, and come Friday I get shoved up in the MRI tube again. As if going head first weren't claustrophobic enough, this time I will go face down. I promptly asked for sedation and have been told two Xanax will be awaiting me at the pharmacy Thursday.

With no clear path opening in front of me as to reconstruction, I will meet with a plastic surgeon sometime after surgery. Again, stage IV rears it's ugly head and managing disease is more urgent than a pretty new breast. However, in time I may be a candidate for DIEP flap surgery which uses stomach tissue to reconstruct a natural breast-it's like a tummy tuck, boob job wrapped into one! I'm starting to feel a bit like a modern day Humpty-Dumpty!

Of course if I am found to have the breast cancer gene, than we may have to take the other breast as well at some point. However, because I am still in active treatment, One incision is all I can manage for now. My blood counts are still a little low and we want to ensure I can heal and still withstand chemotherapy.

So if I am being honest? I am a little sad. A little nervous. But still standing. Still fighting. And mostly feeling washed in Grace and abundance. Thank you for continuing to walk this journey with me... "everyday is a winding road..."

Cully's Kids 2011!

Thursday evening officially kicked off Cully's Kids 2011 with a silent and live auction at Ushers in Moorhead.  Rick and I both attended and spent the night chatting amongst friends and watching generous people step forward with even more generous bids and checks and donations all for the sake of Cully's kids.  Matt Cullen, our homegrown hockey hero, plays for the Minnesota Wild, and he and his wife Bridget created the Cullen Children's Foundation.  The foundation provides financial resources to organizations that support children't healthcare needs, with an emphasis on cancer.

Friday morning, with Rick and his Dad donating their photography skills, and Nolan volunteering to haul golf bags, and Colton and I showing up just in case more hands were needed, we arrived at Oxbow Country Club.  Its been 14 years since I was last there.  July 12th, 1997, Rick and I had our wedding reception at Oxbow.  What a joyful step back in time it was for me to be in that setting on Friday, just three days after our anniversary.

For all of you Sioux fans out there, please note the UND Fighting Sioux flag flying proudly beneath the USA flag!

July has not disappointed us in the hot weather department.  The humidity soared and the temps hovered in the mid 80's. 

Rick arrived early to take some photos of Cully's Kids.  Many have faced more health challenges in their short lives than most of us will face in our lifetime.  Their courage in the face of illness, their sheer delight in life, their ability to persevere, the heroics they perform daily, are inspirations of an enormous magnitude.  

These three guys are more of our Moorhead contingency of hockey heroes.  Jeff Foss, who will be playing for Nashville Predator's AHL team the Milwaukee Admirals, come this fall, Brian Lee who plays defense for the Ottawa Senators, and Chris Vandevelde, who plays for the Edmonton Oilers.  We're so proud of our Moorhead hockey guys!  

Brian Lee with Zoe

Matt talking with Garett Grommesh.  Remember the boy that stole our hearts in Extreme Makeover Home Edition when he donated his house to a friend?  He was just as charming as ever.

Matt with another of his "kids." 

If you are around Matt and Bridget for any amount of time, you realize what a true partnership they have.  The foundation is clearly equal parts both of them.  Bridget with more of the kids.

Last summer, some friends and I took this photo with Chris Vandevelde.  Jen, on your right had won the Sioux jersey and Chris graciously agreed to sign it and take a photo with us.  

We giggled a lot this summer when "the guys" had Chris come over and "ask" to take a picture with Jen.  We all laughed and may have blushed a bit.  

We naturally thought we should repay the favor and leave an autograph for Chris.  We placed this on his seat at dinner for him to find later on that evening.  We hope he got a good laugh too!  

Jen's husband Ben, provided the printer and his expertise in printing to make the posters for each of the golf groups to have at the end of the day.  Rick took the photos, and Jena, seated at the table, designed the posters.  Jen trimmed the edges and by 2:00 pm the posters were all done! 

The golfers ready to tee off.

Matt in black, with oldest son Brooks, getting ready to tee off.

Hey, Dad, wait for me!

Zach Parise, of the New Jersey Devils, attended the event even though he is recovering from an injury and was not allowed to play in the tourney.

Coach Shercliffe, grabbed Nolan along with Zach and posed for a picture.  Could that smile be any wider on that kid?  Nolan even had the forethought to bring his hockey cards along and had Zach sign his card.  Nolan is one lucky kid.  

In between helping Rick with photos, I snuck upstairs to relive a few wedding moments from long ago. 

This is where we sat.  The sun finally broke through the clouds that July 12th day, 14 years ago, as we ate our dinner surrounded by family and friends.

I stood reflecting on that day.  It rained, buckets of rain.  Everyone told me rain on your wedding day was good luck.  Everyone was right.

Each room has its own unique flair. But rustic simplicity abounds  throughout the clubhouse.

The view out the window.

The dance floor area, and main bar.

I walked back through and found the most perfect view of the day... my superman, waiting for me.

Day three coming shortly... and oh yeah, it includes a dunk tank... 

So... its my birthday today.

I ran into a friend at the grocery store the other day and she happens to have the same Birthday as me, July 16th.  She said "Ohhh, and I was thinking, gawddd I'll be 45! So oolllddd."
And I'm polite, so I nod... and think, I'll be 44, and I'm still here... and suddenly, I'm laughing, cause the bigger the number?  The longer I'm here!!  I say bring it on.  50, and 63 and if I'm lucky 78.  Bring it, all of it... some day I want a cake so filled with candles it takes a blowtorch to light them all! 
I already know I will be having a fabulous day.  We were so excited and honored to be a small part of Cully's Kids again this weekend.  I have lots of photos to share from the golf tourney and the picnic.  I finally get to help "give back" in a small way and I couldn't be happier spending my birthday doing just that, surrounded by friends, doing the same.

Fourteen and twenty-five years

We're in the Suburban driving somewhere, the boys squabbling in the backseat. We've debated sticking with the truck, even as the tally grows for new brakes, a new windshield and a growing rusted out back panel problem... or sucking it up and getting a newer, older one. He leans in just then and says, "You aren't thinking of trading ME in on a newer model, are you?" I can only chuckle at the absurdity of his question. You'd think I'd be the one who had to worry about that.  It seems I am the one getting "parted out" like an old pickup put out to pasture.  At least one new breast is in the works, and a wig is on standby, ovaries are in question as are lymph nodes.

But he shows me I need not worry, every day, in the littlest, and best ways. Like how quick he comes running home from work if there is too much weariness, too much fogginess, in my voice. "I'll drive the boys, take your meds, you rest. Oh, and I stopped for groceries, I knew we were low on milk." I never even asked.

Just like I don't ask for Dairy Queen any more. But he brought some Friday night just for me, after the boys were in bed. He knows I am mostly dairy free. He knows when we take the boys I usually decline.  But when he brings it home for just the two of us, its like our own private date. Its not like we say anything in particular. We are happy to just be, quietly, sitting together, enjoying an ice cream-sized moment together.

My new found status as a cancer patient has left me feeling vulnerable and sometimes exposed.  I pulled weeds in the flower bed one day, and paid with pain shooting through my back all the next day. Scrubbing floors and vacuuming ditto the response in my back.  I retreat to my heating pad for solace.  We feel too young sometimes to have taken on these roles... me patient, him caretaker.  Its easy to succomb to the demands of these roles however, while forgetting that you are still mother and father and husband and wife at the same time.  Yet, his demeanor hasn't changed.  He soldiers on without complaint.  I feel indebted to his "stick-to-it-tive-ness," as there are no guarantees the ride will get any smoother any time soon.

Its our anniversary today. We were married, officially, 14 years ago today. Unofficially, our hearts married some 25 years ago just after our first date. He had 400 hundred and some odd dollars on the dash of his Mustang, and a wide open night to do with as we pleased. I remember little of where we went, or even what we did, but we spent not a dime, and talked under a bright moon till the birds started to sing at dawn. And we learned that even in the quietness, speaking not a word, our heartbeats had started to commingle. All of these years later I know our commingled hearts will always be just enough to sustain us through the foreverness of him and I.


Happy Anniversary Superman!

These are a few more of the photos Ria took for us...  I think she got us really well.

Crazy like a loon

'But about the loon-- you know, but he's a funny bird. He's a lonesome, a melancholy bird, but he's got a lot of sense. We can learn something from him. The way he's made, he can't walk much, so he don't get out on land-- you never seen one on land, did you?-- He don't get out of the water unless he has to. A lesson to some of us to stay where we're meant to be.'  The Loon Feather by Iola Fuller

Rick took these photos last weekend at the lake and I am just sitting down to post them.  We sat mesmerized in the boat for hours while nature performed for us.  If you've never heard the call of the loon, listen for a minute to the video...  melancholy and haunting sums it up nicely. 

Loon lookout...

Thank you all for your uplifting and encouraging messages on Tuesday! Chemo knocked me down a bit this round and I not only slept Tuesday evening but much of Wednesday and Wednesday night. I am playing catch up on just about everything.

We had a truly fabulous 4th of July weekend! We spent Saturday in Park Rapids at the lake with Rick's family and then Sunday we were invited down to Loon Lake and hung out for the afternoon with our "hockey" family. Thank you Connelly's for the great time!  Have I mentioned how much I love being at the lake?

I "edited" most of these photos just for fun, but they didn't really require any tweaking.  We've been on a  run of amazingly perfect summer weather and I'm soaking it all in.

I had a "good" visit with Dr. Panalkar on Tuesday.  He definitely seemed pleased with my response so far to the TDM1.  After examining the tumor site, he mentioned again he is ready to move forward with the masectomy.  He even mentioned "this week?"  But I need to explore reconstruction possibilities and plastic surgeons, so he said he will consult with Dr. Boutin, the breast surgeon and then we will proceed from there... we also don't want to interrupt my chemo schedule, so a lot is under consideration right now. I will share details when everything gets sorted out!