The Wild excursion

I didn't forget! I just haven't stopped running since we returned.  Rick and I left last Wednesday morning for our two day excursion... to St. Paul. On the surface this may not seem like a big deal, but the excitement factor for me in particular was huge. I'm a little embarrassed to admit, I've never.... been to a Wild game. I have been to the Xcel Energy Center more times than I can count, but I've never actually seen a real NHL game!

At the beginning of every NHL season, Rick contacts the media person for The Wild and asks if he can come photograph some of their games. Its well known, that Matt Cullen, #7 for The Wild, is a Moorhead native. The Wild randomly select a few of the dates Rick requests and let him come shoot at those games.  Rick tries to shoot photos of Matt for his to use for posters for Matt and Bridget's Cully's Kid's Foundation. 

And this time? Thanks to Matt and his wife Bridget, I got to come too.  We found a discounted hotel room nearby and were able to walk to the Excel Energy Center.  The Wild were playing the Chicago Blackhawks and we were in for a thrilling game!

We arrived really early so Rick could get set up.

The arena was packed- with over 19,000 in attendance.  

We've watched Jonathan Toews, #19,  play in college at UND many times, but haven't seen him play for the Blackhawks.  

The night before the Chicago game, the Wild had been in Winnipeg to play the Jets.  Matt was visibly absent from the line-up.  We wondered if we'd even get to see him play.  But then we saw him.

Admittedly the first period was rather flat and the crowd was fairly quiet... but then...

A fight broke out.  And as most fights do, it served the purpose of getting the teams all revved up, and the crowd along with the teams.  

And then, look who was in the perfect position to knock one in?  #7! 

Way to go Matt- love those victory shots after the goal! 

All of our kids try to flex their sticks, but they can't quite do it like the pros can- look at his stick! 

Bridget arrived right after the game got under way.  She is directly to the right of me in the photo below. I am so intently focused on the game, and trying to listen to her at the same time.  And do you know what she is telling me?  The reason Matt missed the Winnipeg game is because he caught the flu- from either Bridget or one of this three boys.  So Tuesday night he got two bags of fluids in an iv, and Wednesday morning he got two more!  He was skating on a bit of pasta in his stomach and some gatorade after nonstop stomach flu ran through his entire family, including himself. And he not only poured his heart and soul into the game- he scored!  

The game ended in a 3-3 tie.  After a scoreless OT period, the game went to a shootout!  I was getting the full meal deal!  And Matt was picked to shoot first.  Bridget said I had to hold her hand while she closed her eyes.  We were both so wound up with emotion.  If we could have willed the puck in on our own, it so would have gone.  Except, it didn't.  And neither did the next Wild shooter.  But the Blackhawks managed to find the back of the net, and the Wild lost in a shootout.  

I had a hard time feeling too bad.  It was such a great game to watch.

I splurged that night.  I bought myself a Christmas present.  I bought my own Wild jersey.  And after seeing the way Matt played?  I was seriously teary eyed knowing how weak and tired he must have felt.  But he gutted it out.  He could have taken the night off, but he didn't.  I was only semi-shy in waiting downstairs for the team to come out of the locker room.  I simply told him I knew, for other reasons, what its like to gut it out sometimes.  He totally inspired me and I was grateful to get the chance to say so.  

After the game, Rick and I walked over to the St. Paul hotel for a late night appetizer.  St. Paul was lit up and festive and downtown was lively with people coming and going.

The next day I spent at the Mall of America doing some Christmas shopping while Rick drove to the plant to pick up some game programs.  I looked, and I looked, and looked some more.  But I was so filled from the day before, I felt like I needed nothing.  Maybe that is the best Christmas present of all.  

I feel like a broken record- but I simply can't say it enough.  Thank you.  For showing up, and reaching out, and reading and honoring me in all the ways you do.  

Wound clinic tomorrow, and Dr. Panwalkar on Tuesday for results of my tests, and chemo.  

Think this would make proper chemo attire?  I just might...

"Finding Faith, feeling alive..."

I didn't want to keep anyone in suspense!  So I am jumping on Rick's lap top and posting a link to something that has been written about me and my family in the new She Says section of the Fargo Forum.   I'm completely humbled.  Every one of us has a story to tell, and someone found my worthy enough to write about.  My intention is to offer hope to any one else that may be going through a rough time.  And Roxane, who writes for She Says, and is both a blogger and a friend,  far exceeded my expectations in weaving together this tale of what my life has become.  Thank you Roxane, for seeing me, and using your talents to get me just right!

Finding Faith, feeling alive...

escaping into living

 "Thinking back on it, this evening, with my heart and my stomach all like jelly, I have concluded, maybe that's what life is about: there is a lot of despair, but also the odd moment of beauty, where time is no longer the same... an always within never."  Muriel Barberry, The Elegance of the Hedgehog 


I've been reading Tolystoy and The Purple Chair by Nina Sankovitch.  When Nina's sister died after a short bout with cancer, Nina struggled to make sense of her place in the world again.  So she decided to take a year off and read a book a day.  She also wrote a review about each book and what the book had to say about life and how to live it.  


She picked books from all genres from mystery to classics to vampire lore.  And she takes a piece from each book to help her heal, to recover, to connect to who she is at her truest self.  


Words are alive and literature becomes an escape, not from, but into living.  Cyril Connolly "The Unquiet Grave." 


I'm hung up on those words- that literature becomes an escape into living, not from it.  


And so for the writer, is it possible to write your way into living as well?  I'd like to think so...  I highly recommend the book for an entertaining as well as enlightening read.


I'm leaving on a short excursion for a couple of days.  I am going to see something I have never seen before... and I'll be back to share all about it.  


As if that weren't enough excitement for my week, I have been told "something" else in the way of a surprise is due to be revealed on Thursday!  For any local people, you all will get to see Thursday before I will, but I'll be sure to post about it as soon as I get back!  

Black and blue

Just an hour before I was headed out the door to work at Nolan's Pee Wee tournament on Friday Rick's voice alarmed me as I got out of the shower. "What's that on your backside?" I think I viscerally started to respond before I even looked. I can fly into panic apparently in 1.2 seconds. I scanned the area above my tail bone quickly in the mirror. My eyes lasered in on two perfectly round spots about the size of a dime, black and blue in color. Hmmm, bruises? Right there? I haven't fallen, or bumped into anything, or... have I? I know I will have to call the Doctor. I know I may be late for work at the tournament.

I call the research nurse and she is on vacation. But it just so happens I've met the other nurse and she remembers me. "Maybe your platelets have bottomed out?" Of course, purpura is caused by low platelets. Maybe I'll need to come in and be seen. Or maybe I'll just need a blood draw to get to the bottom of it- oh, no pun intended. But the nurse decides to run it past Dr. Panwalkar just to be sure.

I'm reeling with possibilities. What if? What if? What if? I can't seem to take a deep breath. The last time I thought "its merely a cyst," well look where that got me?

So we start to put all kinds of plans together. I will go the rink until I hear something. I regain my focus and head to the rink ready to help with credentials for teams arriving at our tournament.

Within the hour my phone rings. The nurse has a lightness to her voice when she asks for me. "Dr. Panwalkar says you are too skinny. He is not worried about it- go eat something- go have some Christmas cookies or something." She laughs. When I know he isn't worried, I won't be either. Crisis averted. I breathe.

*********************************************************************************

Thursday night while at practice with Nolan I heard the team had been asked by the coaches to "dress up" the day of the tournament.  Nolan and I dashed out the door to see what we could find for the next day.  The team colors are black and orange and he wanted some combination of those.  He needed the works- shirt, tie, pants, and shoes.  Would you believe we found it all in one store, on sale and in his size in under an hour?  He was so earnest in getting the right fit and look and completely hung on my every word.  It was such a fun experience with him.  While I can't convince him to do cut his hair any shorter, he still cleans up pretty well!

The trophy for the champion.  The tournament is actually named after a high school classmate of mine, Steve Dorsey.  He was crushed by the boards in a high school hockey game and has been paralyzed in a wheel chair ever since.  But he has lived a full life by all accounts and its an honor to see my son play in a tourney with his name on it.  

Brady's big brother Ryan plays on Nolan's team.  Another year or two and he'll be ready for his own hockey career to start! 

These are Brady's sisters Olivia and Kate.  The definitely gave me something to smile about...

because our boys continue to struggle on the ice.  They are being asked in their first year to step up and play at an A level when they don't have much experience playing at a Pee Wee level. So its been hard to watch and the lessons are unfolding at a fast rate for all of us.  But I am convinced, there is glory amongst the hard and messy in life.  You just have to be willing to dig for it.  Keep digging boys, we know you have it in you.  

Cookies for a Cause

Source: google.com via Caroline on Pinterest

I have a friend working towards her certification in massage therapy. Her area of focus is Ayurveda principles, specifically the Indian practice of Marma Therapy.  Its a gentle touch massage, working various Marma points around the body and helps in releasing energy or stimulating energy to aid in healing.

I laid on her table Wednesday as usual, and she burst out laughing the instant she touched me.  The energy was still buzzing, vibrating, from the night before.  I didn't have to tell her about the night before at Cookies for A Cause- she could feel all of the amazing love and energy I had been filled with!

Cookies for a Cause is the brainchild of two friends, who have been doing holiday cookie exchanges over the years.  Instead of coming together just to exchange the cookies, they also choose a "cause" and everyone is asked to contribute a donation.  And this year?  I was their cause... I know, seriously.

Julie, the friend we all know and host of the event came down with a stomach bug the day of the event.  But her friend Stephenie, stepped in, stepped up, without missing a beat and filled in beautifully.  Oh and did I mention, she didn't know but a couple of us?

Its hard to find the right way to express how blessed I feel.  How fortunate.  Lucky- downright lucky.  I'm getting bolder in saying that, and yes, I still have cancer- its just that, cancer doesn't have me.

Dear amazing women, you surrounded me with your kindness, your friendship, your support and your encouragement.  I walked away with a backseat filled with cookies, (Julie, I offered to bring some to your house, and the girls said "no, she didn't bake!" spoken like the "true" friends they are.)  and donations that will continue to enable me to have life-giving treatment.  But most importantly, you blessed me with love. The kind of love that vibrates through your body and thrums in your chest and makes your Marma Therapist giggle when she feels it.

Plus... there is more... that is happening ... but that will all be revealed at another time...

"... motherhood dragging a doll by the foot..."

"A girl is Innocence playing in the mud, Beauty standing on its head, and Motherhood dragging a doll by the foot." Alan Beck

I have just one voicemail I keep in the archives on my phone.  Its not from my husband, or the boys.  Its the cutest, tiniest girl's voice.  It goes something like this... "Hi Bicky, Vicky.  I miss you.  I want to come to your house.  I love you." Then her mother's voice says "tell Vicky who you are." And in the sweetest, sniffling, voice she announces "Its me!"  I listen to it every so often and melt every time.

 Two years ago I spent 12 weeks taking care of the owner of that voice, Miss E, and her sister Miss L, while their daycare provider took maternity leave.  

Two years and they still remember me?  And ask to come back and visit me? 

It took 2.2 seconds for them to walk in the door yesterday morning and resume our old routines.

We dove right into our usuals- colors, markers, paper and bursts of tag to burn off some energy.  Miss E is 5 now and goes to preschool in the afternoons.  In fact all the new things she can do is because "now I"m five, so I can."  Wouldn't it be great if we adults thought that way?  Now I'm 44, so I can...  imagine all we could do... 

And this little dynamo is almost 3... seriously, she was a baby that I fed and rocked and held when she first started coming.   Now Miss L talks up a storm and you just shake your head up and down and smile a lot trying to keep up with her.  

"She has the Spirit of the sun, The Moods of the moon, The Will of the wind."

Author: Julie Perkins Cantrell

We had lots of impromptu dance performances and lots of "ta-da's" with them.

"Remember when all we had to do was to keep our ponytails straight and catch fireflies?"

Before she left E shared with me... "I missed you so much.  But I'll be back tomorrow, and the next day and the next.  And all the rest of the days after that!"  

They left around noon with hugs and kisses and I held on for an extra second or two knowing they won't be coming today.  It was with a bit of sadness that I realized how exhausted I was after just half a day.  But exhausted from doing all sorts of things that brought me immense joy, is the kind of exhaustion I'll take any day.  

Lewis and Clark, or Clark and Lewis

Friday was the big event. We've been hearing about his "performance" for weeks and weeks. Nolan has gone to school early on occasion to "study his lines." Each fifth grade class puts on their own performance in their music class.  In the performance of Lewis and Clark, Nolan would play Clark.

From the beginning the humor infused in the play provided for lots of laughs. It seems that Clark takes exception to everyone saying Lewis and Clark, and so one of his repeat lines that he shouts out above everyone is "That's Clark and Lewis..." His teacher told us afterwards that he shouted it the first time they practiced it and she both laughed and decided it should stay that way from then on.

While this clip is not the famous "Clark line," it is a sampling of their performance.  Lewis, is being played by Nolan's friend Jack and Nolan is on the left.  The clip ends with a snippet of Lewis and Clark singing.





Untitled from Vicky Westra on Vimeo.

I was still battling nausea Friday morning.  But nothing could keep me away.  I saw a couple of confident and competent young boys, embrace a part they'd been given and give a flawless performance.  Nolan didn't seem nervous, or embarrassed.  He remembered his lines and when to say them.  As soon as it was done, I had only one thought... again please... I want to see it again.  

Nolan, you rocked dude!  Mom and Dad were so proud of you and your fifth grade class!