Nolan

It's already been a full week, since Nolan left.

I try to think back to when the dream began?  Was he 3, 5 or 6 maybe?  He loved the NHL hockey player, Sidney Crosby.  He read about Crosby's hockey history, and wrote reports about him for school.  We turned his entire bedroom into a "Penguins," theme with grey walls, black bedding and decals everywhere.  

He named our dog, "Crosby," for Pete's sake.  Could we be any more obsessed?  

Imagine his sheer delight, to discover, "Sid the kid," had gone to school in Minnesota.  Sidney had attended school, and played hockey at Shattuck- St. Mary's in Faribault, Minnesota.  

Nolan just longed to visit the campus.

Flash forward all these years, and the list of NHL players that Nolan admires has grown more diverse.  So many qualities, in so many of them, to look up to.  But his admiration for Sid, has never waned.

So when fate and opportunity knocked on our door?  How could we not help achieve a childhood dream for our son?

Earlier this spring, Nolan was accepted into a hockey camp at Shattuck, for two weeks.  Last Sunday, the long awaited day arrived.  Rick would drive Nolan the 5 hours to his hockey camp. 

Tears streamed all morning for me.  Nolan has never left before.  Never been gone for longer than a sleepover, somewhere close by.  He tried to reassure me.  "Mom, it will go quick and I'll be back before you know it."  

But I finally put into words, what wasn't readily apparent.

"Nolan, these are happy tears, I promise.  I will miss you, so very much.  But I am so happy you get to go!"  

Plus, the pile of wood had showed up, just when I needed it most.

I've felt so vulnerable lately.  Depleted in energy.  Inability to see very far down the road.  There have been some long, quiet, and lonely days, open for much reflection.

Have we been doing the right things?  Have we been good stewards of our gifts?  Do we bless others as we have been blessed?  

As I've wrestled with these very big things, a pile of wood with a number on it, landed in our front yard.

And the number?  Is my mother's old house address.

My mom. 

With a message, coming through, loud and clear.

The address of her old house, that we just sold, in trying to settle her estate and pay off her debt, with a tiny bit left when its all done.  My mother's estate, that is seeing us through some of the big changes we face.  (The 1703 is most likely a job number, but the irony of the meaning for us is no coincidence.) 

It feels like a wink from her, from Him, saying, "it's okay."  

 So I assure Nolan,  I hope he feels, Grandma, and all of us, are happy he gets to go to camp.   

That day he left, I threw on a hat and threw my arms around him, holding on tight as long as I could.  What I love about this kid?  He held me, just as hard, just as long, his strength and maturity climbing to new levels, as we parted ways.

Hours later, I receive this photo, via text from Rick.  This is the main entrance to the campus at Shattuck-St. Mary's.  It's simply breathtaking.

Gradually, each day, I've felt a little better.  I've been able to be on my feet for increasing amounts of time.  Some color has come back to my face, and my breathing and heart rate are not so laborious again.

So on Friday, Rick made a small bed for me in the back of the truck.  We had yearbooks to pick up, just an hour away from Faribault, and Nolan.

Friday at dinnertime, we arrived at Shattuck to see Nolan.

Here is the entrance to Whipple Dormitory, where Nolan is staying.

The fascinating details lurking behind every turn.

I'm breathing so hard, and I couldn't care less.  I'm pushing through, camera in hand, trying to take it all in.

A long walk across campus to the ice arena to pick up hockey gear.

Loved this philosophical statement on the side of the building.  Its the heart of what the hockey development camp is all about.

The ice arena is filled with memorabilia from former students and players.  Sidney Crosby to the left, Zach Parise above, as Nolan walks on ahead through the doors.  

Then back we go, through the old buildings on our way to the car.

But I skipped forward,  just a bit, as the church beckoned me up ahead.

First, this prayer circle off to the side.  The peace welling within was unmistakable.

Nolan had called one night during his free time and said "Mom, I just feel so much peace."  Amen.  

And then this...  

So aptly named, Chapel of the Good Sheperd.  Its an Episcopalian Church, and I longed to see inside, but we were in a hurry to gather Nolan, and his friend, and leave for a day.

The next day?  We arrived in Brainerd, for a hockey tryout for Nolan.  

But in between the try-out sessions?  We knew just where to go... Zorbaz on Gull Lake.

The boys quickly paired off for some beach volleyball, while the adults settled under a shady tree, listening to the live music.  

Boats cruised in and out of the dock area, as the perfect day rendered us quiet, and happy to just be there enjoying it.

Nolan and his hockey friends had a great time, taking it easy for a bit, before they headed back to their final session.  (Here I am eating my words.  I took the picture saying I wouldn't post it and merely texted it,  but then it surfaced on Instagram-hehe)

Later that night, Nolan and his friend Ben headed back to Shattuck, to finish their last week of hockey camp.

Rick and I headed back to Moorhead.  

I am happy, exhausted in some ways, and revived in many others.

I have a full week ahead, and so much more to share.  

~all shall be well~

Friday Finds… you won't want to miss

“We're all just walking each other home.” 
― Ram Dass

She couldn't have known it was my birthday.  It was a simple request sent through a private message to me from Dr. Terstriep. "Would I?"

Would I speak, again, at the 2nd annual Women's Breast Cancer Retreat on October 2nd, at the Plains Art Museum in Fargo?  

With barely a forethought, I was already on board in July. 

I would.

Then the details started sinking in.

The topic will be "Leaving a legacy."

And my 10 minute speaking time?

Expanded… to a full 30 minutes.

Whoa.

I've already decided the content won't be about leaving your legacy- but living your legacy.

And now I'm on the hunt for all the things I can gather about how you go about doing just that…

I am in a deeply contemplative state this week.  

It starts with this quote…

“We're all just walking each other home.” 
― Ram Dass

Then the earth shattering news that Robin Williams has passed away… 

It strikes me, that he might be the epitome of the idea of living your legacy when I think of all the days, and all the ways he left me moved, either with tears, or laughter and often both.  A legend of our time, never to be forgotten. 

So I spend my week doing this...

Enjoying the sunshine with my bestie.  Crosby loves being outside, and as the sun light has turned to that amber and golden hue that I adore, he spends every second of it with me.  

As I read and journal…  this stinker goes and gets not just one ball, but TWO.  

He is clearly living his doggie legacy, too.

And then because I've opened my heart to finding inspiration about living a legacy, look what lands in my lap.

I've been honored to have written for this gem of a magazine several times before- On The Minds Of Moms.  

Their most recent issue arrived in the mail today.  

Follow the link below… or go get a copy at the local grocery store.  

So worth your time to read! 

On The Minds of Moms: Heidi Odegaard: Giving Hope

Follow the link above for the rest of the uplifting and hope-filled story! 

But again, as if one story wasn't enough, look what else we found at the grocery store.

Two of my favorite people, living their legacy and inviting us all to be a part of it.

Area Woman Magazine: Cully's Kids 

Follow the link to read about the recap of the Cully's Kids final Celebrity Weekend.

You may just know the author- hehe- even though they may have accidentally left her name out… oops. 

If you are local, Area Woman magazine, and On The Minds of Moms can be picked up at your local grocery store for free!  

Are you inspired by someone, "living their legacy," that I should know about?  

you have been given Today...

(Click to enlarge)

Happy Memorial Day Weekend from the Westra World!  

tightrope walking

He stands clearly 4 or 5 inches taller than me now.  That Nolan, growing, even while I see him every day.  He stretches out before me and I blink, and miss the totality of all the inches.  It hits me over the head as I notice the subtleness to his adjustments.  He tugs his pants down, just a tad lower, so that they aren't too short. He stoops to give me a hug goodnight.  When I finally stand, back to back, with him, its me looking up at the back of his head.   And suddenly, its I who reach on my tiptoes, when I go to give him a hug.  

I'm needing so many of those hugs lately.  Hold tight.  Hold on.  Freeze this moment in time because the moments are moving so quickly and I can't grasp them in my tiny, slippery hands.  I watch as they flutter effortlessly through, sifting through my fingers, landing at my feet in clumps.  

Its both been harder, and easier than I thought it would be.

She railed against leaving.  She wouldn't go.  Her friends?  Her treasures?  Her life?  How could she, our mother, be asked to leave?

And as my brother and I watched… continuously through my head ran the thoughts… how can she stay?  She lives a triangular existence these days.  From her recliner, to the bathroom to the door on occasion.  Back and forth, forth and back.  At times its 3 tries to hoist herself up from her chair, wincing in pain around her middle, trying to steady herself with the grips of the walker, her lifeline.  While we wait, arms outstretched, for extra measure.

And what day is it?  Didn't she have her meds already?  Has she talked to her sister yet?  

The moments, here too, slipping so effortlessly by, both Lee and I, unable to grab and hold onto them for mom.  Because we would.  We'd do anything to keep her where she loves to be- her apartment- with spacious ceilings, two big bedrooms, two bathrooms, oodles of closets, oodles of space.  Kind neighbors who have formed a community of people looking out for each other.  

But as she recovers from surgery, its abundantly clear to us, she can't be left alone.  She needs that voice of reason.  That extra set of hands.  The reminders, the cues, the hints.  

She will stick out her tongue at us and mock us, while listening and obeying at the same time.  This is our mom.  And I relish "seeing her," shine through all the bits that don't resemble her any more.  

She is sassy and full of sarcastic wit.  She can be exasperating, and funny, and exhausting to all of us trying to keep her safe and comfortable. 

Then Saturday steamrolls its way in… and its time for mom to go.  We gather the things she'll bring with her.  It fits in one truckload.  As we mentally take stock around us, of what she'll need, she sits quietly in her chair.  Not saying anything, a far away look on her face.

She gets to her feet without hesitation when we tell her its time.  She has already given away one of her chairs, to a friend.  She steadily walks to the kitchen without a single glance around.  No final look at anything, and no looking back.  She walks upright, rolling her walker along forward,  right through the front door.

Although quiet, not a hint of emotion surfaces, as I sit biting my cheek to keep the tears from falling.  This moment forever etched in my memory.  

We've promised she can move back, if she regains her ability to live independently again.  And she speaks as though she will be back, while also telling us who should get her things.  

Its Sunday, the day my brother flies back home to Pennsylvania.  Mom is settled and I am back at home.  I'm still wading through Christmas storage containers lined up along the walkways through our home.  But a flash of purple catches my eye.  A wrapped, square, object, I've not seen before.  I shove aside the bins and boxes of stuff and grasp the package.  Its Colton who says "mom, thats for you!"

"Mrs. Sailer, my art teacher, made it for you.  Mrs. Herbranson (Colton's teacher) helped me wrap it to protect it and bring it home.  Its been waiting for you!  I've been waiting for you."  And he throws his arms around me.  

I wonder how long.  Days?  Weeks?  A mountain of moments I've walked through without seeing.  So we carefully unwrap the purple paper.  

Its breathtaking as Crosby's eyes pierce my heart instantly.  Mrs. Sailer got him just right.  She wrote us a note saying "your dog on your blog spoke to me… as a critical part of your family.  A member who listens and responds to your needs.  Consider this upcycled frame and ripped up magazine pages… and a dab of paint… a late Christmas gift."  

This is her second "gift " to us.  I have the other hanging on another wall and will share about it in the near future.  Mrs. Sailer is an uber talented and artistic woman.  She does not walk an easy path either, her burdens heavy and cumbersome.  But her heart is big, huge really.  And she gives of herself at times when others would be more focused on themselves.  

She is a gift.  A friend.  And she has helped clear my vision for the day- helping me see clearly- the things that matter most.  

While everything continues to swirl around us in transitions of varying magnitude, anchors have risen up, asserting their sturdiness, their solidity, their ability to bear unbearable burden.  

Mom's new home, Bethany Homes on University Drive, in Fargo.

The anchors come in the form of family who visits mom, and offers all kinds of help.  In friends who drive our boys where they need to go, and bring them to hockey, feed them, and watch over them.  In neighbors who drop everything and drive me, or check on the house, or the dog.  In a fridge that is filled with food from family and friends, and texts that send supportive words and advice.  In prayers, being said by you, by me, by all of us.  Filling in like glue around the moments slipping so precariously through our grip.  They're not lost, we'll catch them somehow, and persevere.  

Jesus Calling, Sarah Young, January 21.

I want you to be all mine… I am weaning you from other dependencies.  Your security rests in Me alone-not in other people, not in circumstances.

Depending only on Me may feel like walking on a tightrope, but there a is safety net underneath: the everlasting arms.  So don't be afraid of falling.  Instead, look ahead to Me.  I am always before you, beckoning you on-one step at a time.  

Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, can separate you from My loving Presence.

Today, I will meet with Dr. Tinguely, and we will come up with a plan for surgery.  Will update soon.  Blessings and love to you all. 

How we do the day after chemo...

My little dog--a heartbeat at my feet. 
- Edith Wharton

When I am knocked off my feet, there is one little boy in this house who I can count on meeting me where I am.  Most days anyhow.

Back shortly with a full update...

Christmas 2011

The Christmas of 2011 will not soon be forgotten, because of the things it both was and wasn't. And by wasn't, well it wasn't white. And I am perfectly fine with that. Because as our pictures over the next couple of days will show, we've been outside enjoying the temperate weather. Its been sunny, warm in the 40's and completely enjoyable.  Its a gift all on its own.


I have to admit by the time Christmas Eve came around I was exhausted. Just plain worn out.  So I put the camera down and soaked it all in. Saturday afternoon brought the most awesome surprise. Dinner! Cooked by three friends the night before- either for freezing or for eating. And so we ate! It was so tasty and delicious, it got our night started off right! Thank you Angie, Jen and Julie!


Colton, was beaming after opening his gifts.  His little list had the most inexpensive small items you could ask for.  It was a pleasure buying him Pokemon cards, Lego sets, and Beyblades. But we snuck one surprise in, Rick found a Pokemon DS game and Colton screamed with joy when he saw it.  "Dad, I didn't ask for this but I always wanted it!!"  He was so easy to please and you could see his heart expanding with joy.  It was pretty contagious.

And Nolan was a blur of activity all night.  His list looked nothing like Colton's except it was short.  It was a bit more "Caviar wishes and Champagne dreams..." And well, he'll have to keep dreaming!  We did buy him an NHL hockey game he had asked for.  And he was still happy with the remaining gifts, although they weren't close to what he thought he wanted. 

We tried to surprise mom by showing up at her church, ( my childhood church) and attend service with her.  But she had the same idea and had already called us from OUR church earlier in the afternoon, wondering where in the heck we were?  She managed to make it back over to her church to sit with us in time for the service.  

The solo for the night was Breath of Heaven, which is one of the songs my friend Gitz recorded when she could still sing.  I was filled with remembering her and my Dad and so many others who have gone before us. 

I awoke early to try out my new waffle maker.  Colton and Rick had gone shopping for some "family" presents.  Do you know what they decided?  They would look for "memory making gifts," so we all could make some memories together.  So I got a waffle maker, and an ice cream maker so we can start some memory making traditions together.  Love that kid and his dad.  

We then jumped in the car and headed to Rick's mom and dad's lake by Park Rapids.  It was warm, the roads were clear and the sky was bright blue.  As we drove I plugged some earbuds into my cellphone and looked to see what music I had to play.  Only 5 songs were downloaded, but I smiled for joy when I realized Sara's rendition of "Breath of Heaven," was one of the 5!  So I put it on and listened to her pure and beautiful voice sing.  

In my head I wondered what her first Christmas in Heaven must be like and if she could feel me as much as I feel her sometimes.  I felt a smidge silly "talking" to someone like this.   Suddenly, I swear, at almost the same time I was thinking this, a huge flock of birds flew up out of the trees creating a huge commotion.  We all startled and went "what was that?" But I laughed thinking it would be just like Sara to answer me back, grabbing my attention with those birds.  

Christmas Day was filled with so many of our favorite things.  Family, good food, lots of activity for the kids, and amazing weather.  

Aunt Missy and Colton putting his Hotwheels track together. He was entertained all afternoon. 

Even Crosby enjoyed the wide open spaces of the lake country.  He ran and played and non stop all afternoon.  I was so psyched to accidentally get an "action"shot on my little camera.  

The ice was thick and took Rick a long time to hand-auger a hole through the ice so they could fish.  

I had already gone for a long walk and so I zoomed in with my camera from the top of the hill- therefore the photos are not sharp, but it was good enough for me.

And Nolan?  Was in hockey, ice- heaven.  Just a boy and his dog, with an entire lake at their disposal, enjoying mother nature at her finest.  The moments don't get any better than this.

 07 Breath of Heaven by gitzengirl 

Sara was kind enough to "share" her music with us and allows the download of it so I am therefore able to share with all of you.  

unconditional...

He is a mass of destruction, demolishing anything in his path that his teeth take a shining to.  His latest casualties?  The neighbors rope when they graciously watched him for us this past Sunday, and Colton's shoe.  We're getting better at clearing a path for him, but when we lapse in our efforts to put our things away, he makes sure we know.  

And yet, he redeems himself, usually within minutes of his mischievousness.  He spent 6 hours in his kennel yesterday, which is the longest time by far.  We were so wrapped up in chemo, and an engine light steadily glowing on the truck, and hockey for both boys, and - you know,  life in general, that Crosby had to wait.

So when we finally arrived back home and let him out?  He bounded into our arms and licked us up and down and wiggled his not so little body in utter delight at being freed. And he redeemed himself, for all his past transgressions, and all his future ones too.  He may not be perfect in his manners, but he is perfect in his love for us.  And isn't that what really matters?  Love that is big, and sloppy, and limitless...  and perfect.  

"side by side with the good"

You don't take a photograph.  You ask, quietly, to borrow it.  ~Author Unknown

Sometimes I do get to places just when God's ready to have somebody click the shutter.  ~Ansel Adams

"Well some things don't ever get settled.  You just make a place for them.  Learn to let them sit there with you , side by side with the good."  Carol Wiley Cassella, Oxygen

I just wanted to have a "good" day yesterday despite the dizziness.  So I let it just be there, side by side, with all the good around me.  Abundance continues to flow into my life.  I have been deeply touched, completely flooded with emails by both friends and new-to-me friends.  Thank you for continuing to be such blessings to me.