Saturday, June 8, 2013

... just part of the narrative...

“I believe that suffering is part of the narrative, and that nothing really good gets built when everything's easy. I believe that loss and emptiness and confusion often give way to new fullness and wisdom.” 
― Shauna NiequistBittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way

The letter arrives midweek.  Rick casually hands it over upon discovering its not a bill.  Its a letter with the results from my PET scan.  

To be honest, its a mixed bag- that I still don't have answers for.  Dr. Panwalkar assured that we would go over everything in greater detail on Tuesday.  

The heaviness in my chest takes on a new meaning.  While some tumors are shrinking, others are growing, from mere millimeters, to centimeters now.

The whirlwind of thoughts surrounding the new brain mets, takes a back seat to thoughts about my lungs, which oddly now trump my brain. 

Yesterday the phone rings with the radiation nurse on the other end.  

Will 12:30 work?  Could you come in at 12:30 so we can begin radiation at 2?  

I think so, I reply.... umm... which day would that be?

She is talking as though I knew already and maybe I am supposed to.

Monday, the 10th she says finally.

My mind floods with all new concerns.  I can't believe how panicked I feel.

I will have targeted radiation to my brain on Monday for two spots, with sedation,  and then have infusion for Herceptin early Tuesday while starting my next round of Xeloda.... and will there be another drug added to my chemo cocktail? 

My mind simply can't fathom my body can do all of these things?  

I cave in, and call Dr. Panwalkar at noon, needing a voice of reason.  I rarely call him, even though he assures me I can. 

Its 5:40 Friday night when I get a return call from a nurse. 

I try to explain my concerns.  But I can't seem to get her to see... 

I acquiesce when she simply states-  "Its just Herceptin, just lie down if you need to, its fine, then you just come back the next day and you can continue radiation."  


So, I'm doing the only reasonable thing I can muster... I'm running away this weekend!  On a retreat, with a friend, to a place that nourishes me in ways I can hardly describe.  I'll be in good hands and exactly where I think I ought to be.

I don't know when I'll be able to update, next week is shaping up to be a doozy!  But rest assured... this much I know is true... all shall be well...


  1. You have so much to handle. I hope the retreat leaves you refreshed and better able to cope with next week's treatments.

  2. Vicky, I am so glad you are getting away. Even if you can't see this very soon, I want to tell you that you are in my prayers and I'm praying that you feel His Arms of Love, supporting you and giving you a lovely weekend.

    And for next week, daily strength for the path that you are traveling. You remain in my thoughts.

    God bless and hugs from over here ~

  3. God bless you, Vicky, as you are making this journey that is not of your choosing. We don't always get to choose the path, but we are always promised to have a guide with us along the way.

    Take in that nourishing retreat, savor it and let it strengthen you for the upcoming treatments.

    Thoughts and prayers, as always.

  4. just put Monday's time on the calendar so i'll be reminded to pray. i think running away was a good choice--great distraction with a good friend. YAY!

  5. I wish there were something I could say to comfort you . . . I am at a loss for words wondering how I would deal with what you have had to endure. My heart does go out to you. Enjoy your retreat and know my thoughts & prayers are with you as you enter this new week.

  6. Follow that comforting and beautiful peace waiting for you at the retreat with a good friend. God is holding you gently and with love each moment of each day. Your faith is strong and powerful. I will keep praying for you and I send you all my positive thoughts, love, friendship, and prayers.

    Looking forward to checking out your older posts. I can't wait to see what your handsome boys have been doing. Hugs...

  7. I will be thinking of you, and praying for your continued strength.
    You're the strongest person I know.

  8. ...and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well... Praying this prayer for you this week.

  9. Be safe and be strong and I am sending you whole the energy of love I can muster and I know it will all be fine. You are loved and everyone is routing with you for this coming week to be fine. You are in the hands of a knowledgeable team of doctors and nurse who are there to help you through this. Praying for you always xo

  10. Still praying for you Vicky! I pray the week-end is everything you need and want it to be!

  11. I hug and love you with all the strength I have, sweet friend.
    As you get away for your weekend, I pray that you are nourished and nourished again. You are an amazing woman.
    "God...take care of Vicky in the perfect way that You can. Amen."

  12. Oh, my. I agree. You're doing the only thing you can - running away this weekend. I hope wherever you're running takes you far, far away from the realities of life with cancer.

    Sounds like communication was not the strong point from your medical team this week. Never a good feeling!

    You have my prayers, friend.

  13. Vicky... I hope you enjoy a wonderful weekend. Nobody deserves it more than you. I know I tell you this all the time but since I "met" you in blogland, there hasn't been a day that I haven't said a prayer for you. You are so brave and I hope to meet you in person so I can give you a hug. Extra special prayers for you this week!

  14. Running away sounds like a good idea.
    A change of scenery, does the soul a lot of good and you will come back refreshed and ready to take on what ever they push on you.
    In BC I heard of a new drug beginning with a the letter S. I understand it costs 5000 a month to take it but it has good results.
    Wish I could remember the name.


  15. ...oh, I hope you had an awesome weekend, and you know I've sent prayers out to the universe along with so many others. May they blanket you in peace as you navigate the week ahead...

  16. I pray you had a good weekend away...I find myself thinking of you lots and when ever I do, I send a prayer your way. Oh, how I wish there was no suffering in this love to you.

  17. I am so, so grateful we were able to run away together, Vicky. You are such a gracious guest. I loved our late-night chat, our quiet meals together, our time with Mother, watching the guineas and giggling, and the sky watching on the way home. Thank you for letting me share my escape with you!

  18. surrounding you with love, light and peace - and lots and lots of prayers!
    Blessing this week to be ALL you need from Him!


  19. Oh girl... sigh... sending you much love. This getaway seems good, I hope it will be good, providing all you need. Cry, rest, laugh, walk, listen, be embraced, talk, feel carried, just be!

  20. I don't know where you went but I hope it met your every heart, soul, and body need. What a phone call and what a lot of confusion and I would have panicked right beside you. You did EXACTLY what you needed to do - sometimes running away is the ONLY option, especially when you're running to all good things. Love you and I'm moving on to what's next....and praying.


I welcome what you have to say. Thanks for taking the time to grace me with your thoughts and words!

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