Thursday, November 18, 2010

Driving blind

Entering the ice arena this weekend, I had been preparing myself for the busy hockey season.  My warm coat came out of storage.  I layered shirts underneath and remembered some warm socks.  What I hadn't anticipated?  The flood of emotion that hit me upon walking through the doors.  My mind flashed back to June and the month long hockey camp. Camp coincided with the weeks leading up to Dad's passing.  The uncertainty of that time period, the queasy, sickening feeling in my stomach that was my constant companion.  I even remember praying for help in keeping my attention focused. I needed to pay attention while driving with the car load of boys I carted to and from the rink on a daily basis, knowing, most days I felt like I was driving distracted, and blind.

Now as I look back, talk about answered prayers.  I recall how frustrated I was finding out there would be all kinds of  road construction.  I was worried about how quickly I would be able to get to Dad if I needed to.  All, and I mean every, single, route, I normally travel to the rink, was blocked.  I had to use alternates that were congested and tacked on more tedious minutes in the car, weighing me down.  Answered prayers, via road construction that forced me to focus.

This week I am back traveling my familiar routes to the rink.  With my husband moving into his busy season, I am flying solo and hockey rests on my shoulders.  But as my schedule suddenly begins to fill, I notice I am distracted again.  Consumed with the "busy-ness" of the next few months, I am scattered.

Driving the boys to church last night, my mind a million miles away, it was Nolan who literally, brought me back from distraction.  Smile.

Mom, what happens if you don't turn your headlights on while you are driving in the dark?

Well, either you won't be able to see the road or another car won't see you and will flash their lights at you to remind you to turn them on.

Oh.  But what if you are blind and can't see that you don't have your lights on?  

Ummmmm... snicker, chuckle.  Nolan?  Do you really think a blind person should or would be driving?  Uhhh, close your eyes and tell me what you see right now?

Mom, I can't see a thing, but you could TELL me to turn the lights on and I could HEAR you and then I would turn them on.

The sound of my laughter carries me the rest of the way to church, my eyes, my attention, razor sharp once again.


  1. Our kids can get us through the toughest times, can't they?

  2. i find myself often lost in thought, thinking of all the things i need to do, mentally going over the grocery list, etc. while driving and my kids always bring me back to reality. funny how they change our focus time and time again, always reminding us we need to be here and now.

  3. If it was possible, I would love to give Nolan a hug today. What a sweetheart of a young man...
    Vicky....I know that you are feeling emotions that can't be described...and I want you to also know that I am thinking about you...and send you hugs and love.
    You are and always will be your Daddy's girl....

  4. You've redecorated! Looks great.

    Your kids are just great, too.

  5. You've been such a beautiful presence on my blog, I just had to tell you thanks for how you've uplifted me recently. I also want to encourage you in your writing. I love how you are expressing the grief of your father's passing here, as well as embracing your life as a mother in all of its fullness and distractions. Keep writing -- it is not a wasted effort at all! :) I'm looking forward to our in-person meeting soon!

  6. Kids certainly light up your world. That's why I love them all so much. :)

  7. Love how kids make things seem better when stress is kicking in. My husband and I were having a kind of intense discussion/debate the other day. My 11 year old chimed in with "Settle down guys. You know it's just a job hunt." Perspective...

  8. See... he's already starting to know everything too!... stick with him, kid, and you'll be going places :-)

    Those hockey shots are fantastic. It's so hard to get good action shots.

  9. I can totally understand what you're going through. I can relate to that feeling of running on auto pilot!

    I pray to God to give you enough strength and many more signs that your Dad is still with you and your family in spirit. Loads of love to you :)

  10. Oh, thank God for Nolan. :)

    I get what you mean about triggered memories. For me it's in the certain ways my illness hits... the nausea immediately makes my heart drop because of my nausea in those days he left. My physical symptoms often bring back grief symptoms to me because they are so tightly wound together.


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