embracing life

The third annual embracing life breast cancer retreat was such a great success!  I am both thoroughly uplifted and completely wiped out, all at once.  We started the retreat with a fun night of socializing, playing some competitive "Jeopardy," listening to great music, and hamming it up for the photo booth.  

When reporters from the news channel KVRR came and set up their camera, and asked if they could talk to some of us, we said sure.  It wasn't until the next night, that I actually got to see the story and was very humbled by it.  Stella played a prominent part!  If you'd like to view it, you can go see it here, at KVRR.

The next day we arrived at the hotel conference center to a beautifully decorated retreat area.  

They even provided a "stage," for us to sit while we spoke, which made for a more relaxed day.

One of the themes we centered our retreat around was Kintsugi. One of the survivors gave an inspiring story of how she is in the process of making sense out of what had happened to her.  Below is a small part of what she shared with us.

I was so happy to be asked to be part of the planning meetings for the retreat. Could we somehow do  a group created piece of art using the ideas of Kintsugi?  

We had used rocks, for our theme for the first year, trees, the second year- as we brainstormed someone mentioned a butterfly.

So I went home to do some research and happily stumbled across the dragonfly...

Dragonfly- "a dragonfly is usually all about transformation, change and being present in the moment.

See it as a sign that you need to wake up. That you should cherish your life. Every single moment. 

Life is extremely short and you shouldn't waste it by worrying about things you cannot change or have no control over. Live life fully and enjoy yourself. Adapt to new situation and change and don’t get stuck in the past."

We all took turns selecting broken pieces of glass pieces, tiles, ceramics, and gems, and gluing them into the body of the dragonfly.  The piece will be sent off to add the "gold" and finish the piece.  I am so excited to see how the final project turns out! 

I was also very touched to be given the chance to be part of a presentation done with some of my stage 4 sister survivors.  Our group, fourward, meets the 2nd and 4th Tuesday of the month, at Roger Maris, with Dr. Chery Hysjulien

We spent several sessions of formulating a message, through boards we decorated, to share as one of the inspiring stories of the retreat. 

I'd love to share the whole presentation, if I'm allowed to.  As each member of the group stepped forward, holding our signs, not uttering a word, a powerpoint was projecting a copy of our boards so all could see and read our messages.

I scanned the faces of all those in attendance and saw tears in abundance, and emotion-laden responses, smattered all across the room.  I feel like we were seen, and heard.

These were the two I made~  

In other news...

I continue to wrap my arm, trying to assuage the swelling.  It's slowly getting better, but I may be wrapping for quite awhile.

And just like that, it was time to see Dr. Panwalkar yesterday.  The look of shock on his face when he saw my wrapped arm was surprising to me.  

But after examining me, and seeing the fluid being retained in so many parts of my body- he decided to put me on some lasix, to help me get rid of the fluid.  He also held off on the taxotere yesterday, and instead I had the other two drugs for infusion.  He said we will decide on how to proceed with chemo/taxotere  my next appointment.  

He still affirmed that I will likely have to do chemo indefinitely, or until my body can no longer stand it.  It's a little sobering.

But I have so much to look forward to, that I am keeping my gaze ahead of me. 

We added a new charm in honor of our 3rd embracing life retreat this year- a dragonfly.  

"cherish your life, every single moment." Amen...

grace

“But grace can be the experience of a second wind, when even though what you want is clarity and resolution, what you get is stamina and poignancy and the strength to hang on.” 

― Anne Lamott, Help Thanks Wow: The Three Essential Prayers

The beautiful basket of flowers my friend, Linda, sent to me.

Rick says he gets asked all the time, "Great news about Vicky's scans,  is she out enjoying herself?"  And he smiles and shakes his head, "no, not quite."  

Even though this week will mark my second week past chemo- I haven't fully come back into feeling well.  I tire so easily.  I walked across the street yesterday, sat in the sun a bit with my friend, and came home with the gift of a pie plate full of delicious apple crisp.

But I was struggling to breathe just from coming across the street.  The sun had zapped any energy I had and I tumbled into bed exhausted.  Again.  Just like the day before.  Which reminds me of Friday, and most of the days before that...  as I experience a myriad of chemo side effects.  

In truth?  I barely leave the house.  My world feels very small.  My mind quiet.  My voice hushed.

But October has some big dates circled on the calendar.  The "embracing life," breast cancer retreat will be October 1st and 2nd.  I will be doing part of the "Using technology to promote healing, panel."  And our stage iv, fourward, group has a special presentation we are working on.  And Dr. Panwalkar will be part of a panel of experts answering all of our questions.  I can't believe its the 3rd retreat already and I've been given the honor of being a part of all 3. 

It's also Moorhead High School's Homecoming Weekend, and Nolan went to great lengths to surprise a sweet girl with an invitation to attend the Homecoming Dance with him... and she said yes.  Of course, that is about all I know, but am hopeful more will be disclosed when he is ready to share with me.  Oh to be 15 again. 

In the meantime my prayers include asking for the very kind of grace that Anne Lamott speaks of- a second wind ripe with stamina and strength to hang on and just keep going- living out His will for my life.  

surviving

"...life is hard, unfair, painful.  But life is also guaranteed to offer unexpected and sudden moments of beauty, joy, love, acceptance, euphoria.  It is our ability to recognize and then hold on to the moments of good stuff that allows us to survive, even thrive.  And when we can share the beauty, hope is restored."  Muriel Barbery, The Elegance of the Hedgehog

The last week has been filled with both those moments of the hard and the gritty that take you to your knees, and yet, those moments of good have pulled me up again, with enough grace to keep me surviving- and to keep me thriving.  But let me explain...

It started with the grocery fairy making its way to our front door once again, well over a week ago.  It was my father-in-law, Jim, at home with Colton, who answered the door and then called me, while I was out of town with Nolan and Rick.  "The delivery person says he has 30 bags of groceries... hehe.  Is that possible they're all meant for you?"  I assure him they could be.  He goes on to say there is roast beef, and hamburgers, plus snacks, and drinks, and everything in between. With our fridge in the garage having stopped working, we just have the one.  So Jim graciously makes space in his freezer, and fridge for the extras.  The abundance is staggering and our blessings go through the roof. Groceries line our counters, the cupboards, and our stomachs!  Thank you to the grocery god for his provision.  We have no clear idea who it could be?  We're just so thankful and have enjoyed "breaking bread" with others.

Last Tuesday night, I had the honor of having my name nominated to be used on a jersey for an Embrace Breast Cancer awareness event at the Redhawks game.  You can see the players in the bright pink, in front of the stands.  We were fortunate that although it was a hot day, a light breeze provided some relief as did the shade over our seats.  With Rick booked solid with photo shoots, both day and night now, it was Jim, Colton and I who attended the game.

You can see my name, surrounded by other breast cancer "survivors," on the back of the jersey.  They were auctioned off, some during the game, and others afterwards in a live auction.  As much as I would have liked to have one,  it was ok to just see them in person and feel so honored to be a part of it.  Thank you Sanford and the Embrace program for the honor to be included!

But my week was only warming up, with one more big event on the horizon.

“Family was even a bigger word than I imagined, wide and without limitations, if you allowed it, defying easy definition. You had family that was supposed to be family and wasn't, family that wasn't family but was, halves becoming whole, wholes splitting into two; it was possible to lack whole, honest love and connection from family in lead roles, yet to be filled to abundance by the unexpected supporting players.” 

― Deb Caletti, The Secret Life of Prince Charming

Last summer was the 10th and "the last," Cully's Kids big event weekend.  But the one sentiment everyone clung too, was how much they would miss all the people who poured forth so much time and energy helping, creating, organizing, volunteering... it was a community of people who all had the same mission in mind- to make the event as successful as possible.  A community that had grown close over the past 10 years, into more...  like an extended family.

This summer,  the card arrived... a "thank you," note, with an invitation to gather, once again.

The day of the event did not disappoint.  The photos speak for themselves.

We've kept in contact all summer, but this was finally the first time I got to see my sweet friend, Bridget, all summer.

So many of our friends attended the fun night.  I put my camera down for awhile, just to talk, and take it all in.

More of our hockey moms getting to spend an evening together.

Nikki, Melissa, and Heather- who all have sons the same age as Nolan.

It was lush and green, with sunlight streaming everywhere.

I finally picked up my camera towards the end of the night for a few more photos.  My sweet friend, Julie, who still has her pink and black Team Vicky bracelet on... her unwavering support another touchstone for me.  

This friend, Matt, who just lights you up, because he and his wife, Bridget, have a way of making it be all about you when you are with them.  

I was whipped by the end of the night.  But the beautiful setting, the tasty and delicious food, and all the time spent surrounded by friends- sharing from their hearts- does it not clearly register on my face how I feel?  These are the moments, made with these people, that I cling to, in my will to not just survive, but thrive.

For now I'll pause here, even though there is more.  

But I'm preparing for my 3 chemo cocktail tomorrow, and a visit with Dr. Panwalkar in which we will discuss, where I go from here...  

I may be down and out for a week or so... but I'll be 'round soon.  

Love to you all~ 

Embracing Life Breast Cancer Survivors Retreat

Shannon Adler " Carve your name on hearts, not on tombstones.  A legacy is etched into the minds of others and the stories they share about you.

What an incredible retreat we had yesterday! 

This was actually a photo we took at the end of our day, with a few of the remaining women.

We missed some of our "sista's" in this photo- but these are some of the lovely women of the FM Breast Friends group.  

But this is what welcomed me as I watched for my friend Steph to come and pick me up yesterday, early morning.  I knew we were in for a spectacular day!  

We walked in to such a fresh and pretty setting inside the Plains Art Museum.  

There were 3 levels to the building and then this main gathering space we used for the main presentations. 

There is something about seeing your doctors outside of the clinic setting, in a more casual atmosphere that really promotes an easy- going format in which to communicate. I went to the "After Breast Cancer Surgery Experience," for my first break out session.  Dr. Bouton, on the left performed my mastectomy and then a second repair surgery.  But when I still didn't heal, he referred me over to Dr. Antoniuk's very capable hands.  It was great seeing them collaborate, and also defer to each other with our questions.  They're both smart, compassionate and well-versed in surgery and reconstruction of the breast.  

In between our breakout sessions we had some great inspiring stories shared!  Deb, in the purple jacket, rallied everyone to "rock out" along with her very effectively showing how music and singing and playing can be a wonderful part of your recovery and journey.

The first activity we worked on together at our tables, was a tree.  We worked through a meditation using the imagery of the tree.  I have to say at the beginning- I could see the tree next to a river.  I heard water rushing, birds chirping and singing, I could smell the damp, ripe earth.  And then by the end of the meditation- I felt like I had somehow become the tree.  The tree wasn't off in the distance- somehow the tree and I were the same.  It was a powerful experience.

Notice the words we used to decorate our tree- sisterhood, acceptance, laughter, faith, compassion, family, love, etc.  We were building our connections, creating a story- together. 

We had a delicious lunch, topped off with this yummy spice cake.

 Then, before I knew it, I was being called up to the front for my presentation.  I have to say I was both nervous,  but also excited.  I had truly poured into my pages everything I could muster.  Now if I could just share my heart.  My hope is always, that maybe one small thing will resonate with someone and help them, in ways I have been helped by others.

Whew I made it...

And this is where I am biting the insides of my cheeks, trying not to flood with tears.  I see it in their eyes.  I see it in the other survivor's expressions.  In the tears being wiped and then that subtle shift from sitting to everyone standing and clapping.  Oh how I am blessed.  

I spoke of how I want to live a life based on connection- and what I felt?  Was heart connected.  I'm holding my heart feeling the "oneness," with so many.  

Spitfire- gets it.   This is the Sanford therapy dog.  He literally laid his head on my knee under a table I was sitting at for a long time,  and then eventually laid at my feet.  

These are two of the rockstar women who make this retreat, this experience, this journey- embraceable.  

Dr. Shelby Terstreip- Medical Oncologist, and Dr. Chery Hysjulien, Oncology Psychologist.  I'm so honored to literally have one on each side of me, walking this breast cancer journey with me.

But I'd be remiss if I didn't mention an entire staff of women, present, who directed our way when we were confused.  Who set up shuttle rides when they knew parking would be difficult. Who helped those in wheelchairs, or some on crutches who needed a little extra guidance.  They have literally been planning this event, from the day after the last event finished.  Clearly a teamwork of people who support survivors with all that they do, and so often are behind the scenes.  But their care and compassion shone through all the well thought out and executed details.  

This would be Momma Duck… Pam is a co-founder of the FM Breast Friends group and wrapped up our event yesterday by sharing her awe-inspiring story.  I have no doubt she has touched more lives through her endless work on behalf of so many breast cancer survivors like myself.

This is my friend Jane.  I admire her more than words can say.  I am so glad we got a chance to snap a quick photo.  

With more time I would have taken more pics with friends- I'm sorry to the ones I missed!! 

(Steph, we need a re-do!)  

Our day ended with a gift!  Look at the beautiful bracelet made for us.  It has "embrace," stamped on the outside of it and has a tree charm strung onto it.  Each year, we hope to add a charm to the bracelet.  

In other news...

I'm in complete awe of all the kindness and generosity happening on the fundraising blog… Vicky Fighting Breast Cancer. 

How would you pick amongst all of those thank you gifts?  A handmade quilt?  Beautiful cottage pillows?  The horse pillows?  The baskets filled with hundreds of dollars of fall goodness- from books to read, (some of my favorites) to Starbucks gift cards, to fall colors in napkins and plates, etc.  

I love, that just 10 dollars, buys you a chance at one of these items.   Linda and Peggy Sue have poured their hearts into making this a spectacular event.  

I will be back with an MRI update, as soon as I have one.

Blessings on your weekend!

Embracing Life...

“Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, or worn. It is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude.” - Denis Waitley

If I had to summarize my experience Wednesday at the first annual Edith Sanford Embracing Life- Breast Cancer Survivor's Retreat, I would use those three words- it was a day filled with love, grace, and gratitude.  

We had an amazing day!

Rustic Oaks was such a beautifully charming, and serene setting for the event.  It was very cool and cloudy when I arrived early in the day.

The outdoor fire pit was roaring when we arrived, yet it just didn't warm up enough for us to enjoy time outside of the barn, and it was mere cinders by early afternoon when I finally got outside.

This is what greeted us at our tables.  A cute burlap bag filled with river rocks that we were instructed to write on throughout the day.  The first rock, fear, was done for each of us.

I was assigned to the technology table to host a roundtable chat session.  

Here was the stage!  A point somewhere near the screen for us to stand in front of the 100 or so women survivors in attendance.  It was a full house barn!

Rustic and quaint and charming all come to mind when you see the layout of the building.  What a great place for a retreat!

The only struggle I truly had- was trying to take photos with the lack of strong lighting and a cloudy day.  I also wanted to be present and not too distracted so I could take it all in.  

Shortly after I shot the above photo- the room filled and we were under way.  We had an opening speaker and a welcoming presentation from Dr. Shelby Terstriep.  I was seated at a side table for speakers, and was being miked at the time.  I was amazingly calm.  I just wanted to take it all in.

Then a photo of me flashed up on the screen and I got a wonderful introduction from Shelby.  

The next 10 minutes flew by.  I could feel myself being intently listened too. I saw rapt attention on the faces of the other women.  What really enveloped me, was a raw understanding, that I was in the midst of women who spoke the same language as me.  Who were unequivocally, living in my cancer world, just like me.  

And so when I was done speaking?  The most profoundly amazing thing happened... they all stood up. Applause thundered throughout the room.  It vibrated my port!  And touched me to the core of my being.  It was profoundly moving.  Throughout the day- ALL of the presenters were given that same rousing round of applause and standing ovation- over and over again- because- we were clearly a sisterhood of survivors.  Of women warriors.  Of people, bonded by something far bigger than us. 

As soon as my 10 minutes were up, I got the privilege and honor to introduce Dr. Panwalkar.  Since he was closer to where I was sitting, I managed a couple of photos. 

Dr. P surprised me with saying some kind words about me, and then spent the next 30 minutes or so presenting on Breast Cancer Management- a brief history of where it's been and where its headed.

He was a dynamic and engaging speaker.  I love seeing the "teacher" come out in him. 

He was also very well received by the audience and when he finished, one of the women half-ways stood up and thanked him directly.  She was clearly in the midst of her cancer battle, using a cane to help stand up, with a scarf secured over her head.  But she told him as a stage iv survivor, she was thrilled by how hope-filled his message was and how positive he sounded.

Pretty sure I was beaming.  That's the Dr. P I've grown to know and admire so much. 

I even managed a short clip of his presentation, below.  

And then, while in the midst of our next speaker who was doing some meditation with us... Dr. Panwalkar quietly left the retreat.

I was so bummed I didn't get a chance to say anything to him.  When I spoke of my gratitude journal earlier in my presentation, what I didn't say is that the one thing that has consistently shown up page- after page- is his name.  All the little, all the big- all the ways he has seen me through.  

The rest of the afternoon was filled with breakout sessions.  They were on a variety of topics and so engaging and filled with helpful information.  Its occurred to me, that along with a cancer diagnosis, comes a crash course in all things related to having cancer.  It instantly makes us students.  And what was so evident to me, is how much knowledge and wisdom these women have gained throughout their journeys.

Breast cancer has clearly transformed how so many of us have chosen to live life.  The other thing that struck me was how none of us stage iv survivors/speakers, had ever met before.  But our speeches were interlaced with the words, gratitude, love, grace and living fully in the present moments.  We may each have had our own take, our own story, but they were so similar in those common elements and it was really a moving discovery.

The sun came out for a few short minutes, but quickly disappeared under the clouds again.

This is my friend Kristin, who just completed treatment and celebrated one year since diagnosis!  She is a beautiful woman-inside and out, and I have loved getting to know her. Kristin was asked to participate in the creation of this beautiful glass sculpture piece.  

Kristin added the logo of our Breast Friends Cancer Support Group. So neat to see the artwork!  It will be auctioned off with funds going to support breast cancer survivors here in our local community.

I tried so hard to garner a photo of Shelby Terstriep.  But she was one busy and engaged woman and this is not my photo.  I was just honored to get to meet her finally Wednesday.  Her patients all speak so lovingly of her, and its clear after our day with her- why they do. 

Our final speaker, was a stage iv breast cancer patient of Shelby's.  And she brought us all to tears.  She  says Shelby is the type of doctor who celebrates your victories with you, and sheds tears of sadness with you when the news is less than desirable.  She teaches you, brings research to you, and makes you feel like you matter.  

Clearly- Shelby was all of that yesterday, and so much more.  Her and her team did an outstanding job at the retreat.  Her vision for the future of breast cancer treatment and it's survivors seems truly to be her life's mission.  

That bag of rocks we all wrote out words on?  Went home with us.  The one with the word fear written on it?  Thrown in the river bed by the side of the barn at the end of the day. Clearly, not needed by any of us, with all the tools we were armed with that day, to put fear in its place.

I left the retreat  inspired, moved, and touched.