embracing life

The third annual embracing life breast cancer retreat was such a great success!  I am both thoroughly uplifted and completely wiped out, all at once.  We started the retreat with a fun night of socializing, playing some competitive "Jeopardy," listening to great music, and hamming it up for the photo booth.  

When reporters from the news channel KVRR came and set up their camera, and asked if they could talk to some of us, we said sure.  It wasn't until the next night, that I actually got to see the story and was very humbled by it.  Stella played a prominent part!  If you'd like to view it, you can go see it here, at KVRR.

The next day we arrived at the hotel conference center to a beautifully decorated retreat area.  

They even provided a "stage," for us to sit while we spoke, which made for a more relaxed day.

One of the themes we centered our retreat around was Kintsugi. One of the survivors gave an inspiring story of how she is in the process of making sense out of what had happened to her.  Below is a small part of what she shared with us.

I was so happy to be asked to be part of the planning meetings for the retreat. Could we somehow do  a group created piece of art using the ideas of Kintsugi?  

We had used rocks, for our theme for the first year, trees, the second year- as we brainstormed someone mentioned a butterfly.

So I went home to do some research and happily stumbled across the dragonfly...

Dragonfly- "a dragonfly is usually all about transformation, change and being present in the moment.

See it as a sign that you need to wake up. That you should cherish your life. Every single moment. 

Life is extremely short and you shouldn't waste it by worrying about things you cannot change or have no control over. Live life fully and enjoy yourself. Adapt to new situation and change and don’t get stuck in the past."

We all took turns selecting broken pieces of glass pieces, tiles, ceramics, and gems, and gluing them into the body of the dragonfly.  The piece will be sent off to add the "gold" and finish the piece.  I am so excited to see how the final project turns out! 

I was also very touched to be given the chance to be part of a presentation done with some of my stage 4 sister survivors.  Our group, fourward, meets the 2nd and 4th Tuesday of the month, at Roger Maris, with Dr. Chery Hysjulien

We spent several sessions of formulating a message, through boards we decorated, to share as one of the inspiring stories of the retreat. 

I'd love to share the whole presentation, if I'm allowed to.  As each member of the group stepped forward, holding our signs, not uttering a word, a powerpoint was projecting a copy of our boards so all could see and read our messages.

I scanned the faces of all those in attendance and saw tears in abundance, and emotion-laden responses, smattered all across the room.  I feel like we were seen, and heard.

These were the two I made~  

In other news...

I continue to wrap my arm, trying to assuage the swelling.  It's slowly getting better, but I may be wrapping for quite awhile.

And just like that, it was time to see Dr. Panwalkar yesterday.  The look of shock on his face when he saw my wrapped arm was surprising to me.  

But after examining me, and seeing the fluid being retained in so many parts of my body- he decided to put me on some lasix, to help me get rid of the fluid.  He also held off on the taxotere yesterday, and instead I had the other two drugs for infusion.  He said we will decide on how to proceed with chemo/taxotere  my next appointment.  

He still affirmed that I will likely have to do chemo indefinitely, or until my body can no longer stand it.  It's a little sobering.

But I have so much to look forward to, that I am keeping my gaze ahead of me. 

We added a new charm in honor of our 3rd embracing life retreat this year- a dragonfly.  

"cherish your life, every single moment." Amen...

grace

“But grace can be the experience of a second wind, when even though what you want is clarity and resolution, what you get is stamina and poignancy and the strength to hang on.” 

― Anne Lamott, Help Thanks Wow: The Three Essential Prayers

The beautiful basket of flowers my friend, Linda, sent to me.

Rick says he gets asked all the time, "Great news about Vicky's scans,  is she out enjoying herself?"  And he smiles and shakes his head, "no, not quite."  

Even though this week will mark my second week past chemo- I haven't fully come back into feeling well.  I tire so easily.  I walked across the street yesterday, sat in the sun a bit with my friend, and came home with the gift of a pie plate full of delicious apple crisp.

But I was struggling to breathe just from coming across the street.  The sun had zapped any energy I had and I tumbled into bed exhausted.  Again.  Just like the day before.  Which reminds me of Friday, and most of the days before that...  as I experience a myriad of chemo side effects.  

In truth?  I barely leave the house.  My world feels very small.  My mind quiet.  My voice hushed.

But October has some big dates circled on the calendar.  The "embracing life," breast cancer retreat will be October 1st and 2nd.  I will be doing part of the "Using technology to promote healing, panel."  And our stage iv, fourward, group has a special presentation we are working on.  And Dr. Panwalkar will be part of a panel of experts answering all of our questions.  I can't believe its the 3rd retreat already and I've been given the honor of being a part of all 3. 

It's also Moorhead High School's Homecoming Weekend, and Nolan went to great lengths to surprise a sweet girl with an invitation to attend the Homecoming Dance with him... and she said yes.  Of course, that is about all I know, but am hopeful more will be disclosed when he is ready to share with me.  Oh to be 15 again. 

In the meantime my prayers include asking for the very kind of grace that Anne Lamott speaks of- a second wind ripe with stamina and strength to hang on and just keep going- living out His will for my life.