I'm holding on... despite the nasty side effects kicking back in. The cramps in my feet were more than Rick or I could massage out last night. It took me gulping down water while we poured steaming water and lavendar epsom salt into the tub and pushed my arched foot and toes underneath.
Each night I put off taking my Tykerb till just a little later in the evening. Last night it was nearly midnight before I could push myself to go take it.
I finally settled in for the night, only to be awoken hours later, cramping now residing in my stomach. I was soon up with a stomach both cramping and emptying in epic proportions. It took most of the night, but, Immodium finally kicked in early this morning and I slept fitfully for awhile.
Dr. P already predicted this would occur, and gave me permission to cut back on the Tykerb if needed.
Its so tricky... finding the balance. Enough to hold back the cancer, and yet enough so that I can live fully. Thankfully, I'm reminded each day, He is enough, whether anything else feels like it or not.
And when He is enough?
Despite all these little annoyances...
Do you know what I am holding onto?
All of Him...along with...
All of you...
The response to my "I just want..." post, has breathed life into me. I feel buoyed and strengthened by such a compassionate and encouraging outpouring of love and life- that rather than feel discouraged- I feel fully alive.
Just look what has continued to be a part of my daily life.
I hope Marta is okay with me sharing her beautiful artwork- a whole booklet of inspiration! Thank you sweet girl!
I choose a different page in this book almost daily- I love how my friend Aim gets me time and time again.
My niece, Madi, recommended this book to me. I'm half way through. Its a trilogy in young adult fiction and it reminds me of The Hunger Games which I truly enjoyed.
And this is next on my list... has anyone read it yet? Looks good to me!
I can't say if she knew how badly my feet could use this- but oh what a delightful gift! I'm nearly 1/4th into it already- but the salve works wonders on my deeply peeling and sore feet. Thank you from my far-away friend Jennifer!
What are you hanging onto these days? Any books I must read? Movies to add to my netflix Queue?
I'm having to stay a little close to home trying to get my stomach and issues under control. Thank you all for sending me just enough to know I'll be okay.
Sending love to you all...
Oh Vicky, what a confounding and difficult balance you must choose each day. My heart goes out to you and the craziness that is this balance. Glad something helped with the stomach issues and hopefully the bath eased the foot cramping. I'm glad for little joys for you in the items you featured and may they, and the love of the ones giving them, provide MUCH needed diversion. Praying. Love you.ReplyDelete
Diversion and distraction have been so key lately- so true. Just little pockets of "normalcy" that you can build your day around help so much. So grateful that so many really get it :) Thank for those prayers :) xxooDelete
For cramps: Have you tried pinching the skin between your nose and your upper lip really, really hard? Somehow it is connected to the feet/lower legs (I'm totally not kidding) and it always takes the edge off my charlie horses.ReplyDelete
Molly- I so have to try this- I have not heard of this but am never opposed to giving it a try. Thanks for the suggestion!Delete
Saying a prayer for you today.ReplyDelete
Barbie- what a lovely profile photo of you- thank you for your prayers :)Delete
Sending many things to you today...thoughts, prayers, love and hugs, my friend! Have you tried potassium for the cramps in your feet? Also, Hyland's has an all natural "medicine" to help with cramps too. http://www.hylandslegcramps.comReplyDelete
Eileen- yes- normally I can take magnesium/potassium but I can't with Tykerb. I'm very restricted in what I can take with it. I know hydration is what I was probably lacking and have been much more on top of it which helps. But I will look into the Hyland's for sure and run it past Dr. P in a couple of weeks to see- thank you for the suggestion :)Delete
Always in my prayers Vicky. I love your spirit.:)ReplyDelete
Thank you Kristin- I think of you often and pray that your baby- your dream- fully comes to fruition. Such an exciting time for you and I am so hopeful and happy :)Delete
Keep holding on tightly to the One who holds you in the palm of His hand. He will never let go; He holds it all together and will carry you through.ReplyDelete
(Also, just want to add I am sorry that you are enduring such symptoms. Sending a virtual hug)
He will Susan, He will carry me through. I am virtually hugging you right back :)Delete
Awww Vicky... so sorry you are having such a hard time. I pray for you every night..ReplyDelete
I'm touched Katie, that you would do that for me- thank you :)Delete
You are in my daily prayers. My heart aches for what you are enduring. You are literally carrying Jesus' cross. May our Mother who watches over us help your sleep to be more restful tonight.ReplyDelete
Thank you so much Norma- I'm slowly figuring out what I need to do. I will get there eventually :) Thankful for your sweet prayers and encouragement :)Delete
Oh I gotta try Molly's tip on cramps.lol I drink coffee and always forget to drink water. I dig into what I'm doing and simply forget.ReplyDelete
Then at night I get cramps in the legs and boy they hurt.
So Vicky I know what you are going through when it comes to that.
So I guess my tip would be to drink lots of water cause if anything, it might dilute the medicine enough, not to feel soo bad????
Your story and other peoples stories who are going through this, are truly heart breaking. I watched Valerie Pringle. She is a reporter. She and her sister and son and a number of breast cancer survivors climbed Mt Kilimanjaro in Africa. http://www.journalpremiereedition.com/English/2008-08-25/article-1760054/Climbing-to-the-roof-of-Africa/1
Such brave women.
I do get dry very easily and don't do the extra amounts of hydration that I need sometimes. As soon as I upped it, I had better days with no cramps. I have to read your link next- excited to see-sound very inspiring indeed!Delete
Ohhhhh honey. I'm so sorry...sigh. so sorry. Again for the hundredth time you slay me with the grace you exude. Thank you for pouring into us- always giving...love you.ReplyDelete
Robin- our sweet Sara infused me with everything I would need to follow in her footsteps in a way. I truly feel like I'm just a page right out of the Gitzen Girl book of how to live fully right where you are. Charting my own course, but thankful for how much she filled me with all that would see me through and grace was definitely her forte!Delete
Hi Vicky, I believe that is how I "met" you - through Sara :-) I just figured that out! I sort of forgot how I discovered your journey. I'm blessed and honored to be a part of it, to follow you and to pray for you. thanks for the hug, BTW!Delete
Susan- I love knowing that- so glad you came back to share that with me. I miss her so- but love knowing I am surrounded by others that share that "knowing her" part with me :)Delete
Ahhh the good ole leg cramps. How I lothe them. I know it sounds crazy, but i use Kosher spear dill pickel juice. Must be the kosher spears not a generic brand. I get to the point that that I dont even messure anymore, I simply open the bottle and tip and sip. Twenty minutes after I took it, they were gone. But I could feel where they were. Don't know if you have food restictions with your. Medsornot,and I know the taste really got to meat first, but I always keep them on hand. Even if I end p throwing the spears out, I find it to be a cheep remedy.ReplyDelete
Praying for you as you go thru these trying days! Hugs to you and your family. Love you!
Wow Verna- have never heard of the pickle juice before- very intriguing idea :) I do happen to love pickles so you never know what I may have to try :) I really consciously went for more water the next few days and that seemed to help. I had also been at the hockey rink and my feet were cold which probably didn't help either :) Thanks for those prayers- love to you!Delete
Vicky, what trials have come your way, to be facing such horrendous side effects. I want to relieve you somehow of this misery! We read the words, but you are actually experiencing it. Ugh! Please know that through all of that, your gift to us through your words and pouring your heart and soul into them is a shining jewel that we get to touch and be blessed by, even if the jewel has a few scrapes and cracks from those suffering moments. It still shines as the sun shines down on it, and reflects back to us as blessing. Big hugs, with hopes of a break from this suffering very soon.ReplyDelete
Thank you Roxane- I so love your jewel metaphor- beautiful. I'm still lucky in that the side effects are more bothersome at some times than others. I still have chunks of time when I am feeling pretty normal and mostly looking entirely normal- so grateful they don't have me knocked down for good. I will adjust and find that balance- I just know :)Delete
I sent you a separate note with some distraction ideas. :)ReplyDelete
I sure hope that Dr. P is helping you out with the balance because the mental energy that it must take to feel this burden of how much chemo is enough/what you can stand is mind blowing.
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Come and see what the Lord has done, the desolations he has brought on the earth. He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth. He breaks the bow and shatters the spear; he burns the shields with fire.
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”
The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Melissa- I've read through this more than once already- its also really fitting that I'm reading divergent- so many metaphors for bible verses and what really matters.Delete
Yes-Dr. P admitted I am at the crossroads in treatment, without going into much detail. I am pretty sure I get what he means-
Prayerfully hoping today is fun and meaningful for all of you :)
Hope your weekend brings a gentle reprieve and the Lord's hand upholds you as you hold on.ReplyDelete
Thank you Susan- a gentle reprieve sounds just perfect.Delete
Thinking of you today, dear one. Sending love.ReplyDelete
Thank you friend- resting and feeling all the love and prayers as I do~Delete
Praying for you ~ to find that perfect balance.ReplyDelete
Thank you Sue- working hard to find it- will get there-soon I hope :)Delete
I loved the untethered soul...I have given several copies away. I just finished the new The English Girl by Daniel Silva and Goldberg Variations by Susan Isaacs...I enjoyed both of them. Two others I just finished were Zoli (about the demise of the gypsies in Russia under Communism)and This Side of Brightness...both by Colum McCann. This Side of Brightness was a little different but I found very interesting.. got them all at the library. Hope things get a bit better soon...ReplyDelete
So excited to see your list- thank you for sharing! Am excited to add untethered soul to my wish list and when the time is right I will read it for sure :) Will also look into your other suggestions- such a variety- love that. Thanks friend!Delete
I can only shake my head and wonder at the amazing ways God holds us up as we go through the darkest of valleys. Vicki, I went through the cramping and the charlie horses that wouldn't go away, and the feet thing. 5 years later, and my feet are still quite numb and I haven't had "real" shoes on since. I live in Crocs! I had forgotten about the blistered, peeling feet until you mentioned it today. I had thick skinned callouses and they all came off, leaving my feet an oozing, sore, raw mess. Yet, we find that strength to walk on, because yes, "I want. . . . " whatever tops that list!ReplyDelete
I love you, girl, and I pray daily for you, even though I'm not always here to tell you. Stay strong, and when you can't, He will be all the strength you need!
Cora- I'm always so happy to see you drop in here and look often in my reader to see if you've updated- hoping I don't miss out. I'm always encouraged by how far you've come on this journey- and it makes me feel like I can too. Grateful to you always- a true warrior mentor you are!Delete
First...I love you, my Sister.ReplyDelete
You are so strong...and yet so vulnerable. I am amazed at how the two live so closely within you.
Next...I love you, my Sister. (Did I mention that?) :))
Yes, I did. Don't want you to forget that. I know you won't.
Regarding the book title....my Granddaughter (12) read Divergent, and urged me to read it. I will. She read Insurgent, too. She loved it as well. I will be ordering Allegiant from Books A Million for her in October when it comes out.
Sending love to you and your family....
I had to go and get Insurgent too- and I love that my niece shares with me what she is reading and she has such good taste- as does your granddaughter. I love you too- dearly- sister- deeply.Delete
You are in our prayers every day. WEr are so grateful for your authenticity and how you point to Jesus.
God Bless you friend.
Linda- thank you for your gracious words- they do my heart good.Delete
Love and blessings to you!
I have a book for you... it will take you away from anything else entirely for just a little while.. e-mail me your address, I'll send it your way. It's titled The Ocean at the end of the Lane.ReplyDelete
So excited to read this! Thank you!Delete
today, i'm holding on to the lyrics of this song (by Chris Tomlin, i think):ReplyDelete
i know Who goes before me
i know Who stands behind
the God of angel armies
is always by my side.
the One Who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
the God of angel armies
is always by my side.
these words are a comfort when you leave your only son 10 hours away at college, when a dear friend's frail father has risky surgery to relieve an aneurysm affecting circulation to his leg, when you're getting ready to go to Kenya (sept 3-17, please pray!) with the same friend and want God to clear the way for her to go without fear that something will happen to him while she's gone, and when i read about a dear friend's epic stomach emptyings!
a great netflix rental is secondhand lions--a family feature. i also loved safe haven, a nicholas sparks movie. a GREAT music concert to watch online is diana krall's concert in rio. amazing!
would love to know some movies you've enjoyed--always on the hunt for a good dvd!
Oh sweet one- 10 hours away- oh goodness yes- these words- over and over again. And OH MY- KENYA! Ohhhhh- Jenn- honey you so need to blog! I want to read your stories and see your pics and feel like I am there with you! Yes, I will pray- that you feel peace to be going so far outside of comfort and normal and that you feel Him with you at all times, watching over you... and so much more.Delete
Loved Safe Haven- and oh my- LOVE Diana Krall- will look for the concert info- thank you!
Travel safely and well, friend! Love to you!
Ouch Vicky! Your poor feet! It's hard to have a part of you hurting that you have to walk on, exerting all that pressure! My prayers for you are continously flowing.ReplyDelete
My all time favorite book is, The Source, by James Michener. It is a long book,,,, full of historical fiction, sweeping many generations in Israel. Not sure that it would be your cup of tea.
Be sure to keep hydrated!!!! I will be back to check on you. ;)
Love and hugs
Janay- thank you for the book suggestion- I keep a list handy and you never know what mood will strike me when and for what. My feet are up and down, but lately they've been fairly good. I am learning what I can and cannot do and I ease up when they tell me to. Thanks so much for your encouragement!Delete
Hi sweet friend!ReplyDelete
I read this last week at an appointment and didn't leave a message.
Been thinking so much about you! Sending you blessings and love, peace and light - be still and know - He is near - He hears you!
Oh Tiffany- so kind of you to come back and leave me a message. I too, think of you, often friend! Thank you- for just being YOU!Delete
LOVE YOU right back :)
What a coincidence. I'm also reading "The Untethered Soul." Besides being a wonderful book, it has a beautiful cover. I've been renovating the home I grew up in and I'm doing the kitchen in the same color as the book cover. I'll post pictures on my blog (Redoing the Undone) when I'm finished. That's all I've been doing lately - demolition and reconstruction. Kind of symbolic of my whole life. I'm so encouraged to see you holding on and to see the love and support around you. Count me in.ReplyDelete
Hello Sweet Vicky...ReplyDelete
It's the start of the holiday weekend and you are heavy on my mind and heart. Calling out from central Illinois to say I am thinking of you, praying for you, and wishing you love, joy and peace.
Blessings and Grace