Friday, December 17, 2010

Finding Christmas...

She sits with lit Christmas candles flickering in the dark quiet of the night.  "Christmas Cookie," "Home for the Holidays," and "Spice Cake" commingle into a dizzying smell of jingle, and cheer, and good will.

Twinkling blue chases blue over and around the branches of the Christmas tree, illuminating decorations from decades gone by.  The table is stacked with Christmas cards, some arriving and more departing, hopefully soon.

Gifts are strewn about under the tree, while still more hide in the dresser drawers of the kid's bedrooms.  Shhh... don't tell... she smiles quietly to herself as the children ransack her closet in earnest search of the gift stash... only to come up empty handed time and again.  Their dresser drawers, most assuredly, will be the last place they'll think to look.

Her Christmas wish list, for the first time in years, is reminiscent of her childhood wish lists.  It's long and lengthy, filled with things only money can buy:

  • A new vacuum cleaner, (she secretly hopes will not actually be given to her for Christmas) 
  • A new camera, one not so heavy she won't take it with, but not so compact everyone laughs when they realize its where her blog photos come from... 
  • A sofa, just because its time,
  • And why not a trip to someplace warm?  A girl can dream big. 

Because, even a house overladen with Christmas accoutrements and a ridiculous Christmas wish list simply cannnot make up for what she would give anything for... to have her Dad here for one more Christmas.

So she'll fake it as best as she can.  She'll bake away her sorrow, decorate her sadness, and knead her tears into the dough.

Somewhere between the glint of light shimmering off the freshly fallen snow, and the strains of Candle-lit Silent Night, she'll find it.  She will likely have to ransack the rooms of her heart for the tapestry of Christmas memories with her Dad, woven over time for just such an occasion, but its here she'll find her Christmas.


  1. Quintessential Christmas reflections - so sweet, tender and touching Vicky.

  2. The taste of sorrow ... worked throughout her doings.

  3. A beautiful way to express your sad emotions.
    Hope you have a Wonderful Christmas!

  4. Beautiful sentiments Vicky. Holidays are so hard for those of us who have lost someone dear. They will never be the same for us again, but we can cherish the memories we did have while they were with us. And maybe, just maybe, it will bring light to that darkened space around our heart.

    Thinking of you my friend,


  5. Quite sensitive and tender post !!!
    It's natural for the loss of such a sensitive human relation.

    But I'm sure Vicky,this christmas shall bring more love and respect for your Dad from you.

  6. Beautiful my friend...and isn't that where we all find it, in the service of each other. Love ya! :D

  7. I really thought you were going to have quotation marks showing you borrowed this from a famous writer. I love how you can share your feelings so beautifully even when they show pain. I wish you peace through christmas and new found strength in the new year.

  8. You are an amazing writer, Vicky. And I hope you do find your Christmas.

  9. I know that feeling all too well. Like you, I try to immerse myself in the spirit of the season. Christmas is a wonderful gift and can be such a healing time in a way. I try to work through those missing days. Sometimes just the right Christmas carol will help me feel closer to Dad. Hugs to you always Vicky!

  10. I know what you mean. I don't know if Thanksgiving or Christmas will ever feel the same.

  11. Vicky, oh my, this is so poignant, so poetic. It's absolutely beautiful in every way. It paints such a bittersweet visual of life won and lost. Thank you for sharing so richly your embracing of all of life's offerings. Oh, and your hiding place for the kids' gifts? Truly genius! :)

  12. A wonderful glimpse into your thoughts. I know..I will miss my Dad too this Christmas, but I think that he knows now, even more than I can understand what the true meaning of Christmas is all about. I am glad, even though I miss him.

  13. Such a sweet and heartfelt post.

  14. Your words evoke pictures in my minds eye and emotions in my heart. I love the way you put pen to paper and pour yourself out. I love beautiful you.
    I'm thinking of you all the time.
    I'm saying a prayer when I do.
    Merry Christmas ...


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