Even when I can't see...

The day I found this necklace, was just a few days after we buried Dad.  It speaks to me, varying its meaning depending on the day.  As in...

"I will"...  I will go through it.  I used to think "I can't."  I simply don't know how.  I know now, you just do it, without knowing how.  Through it, is the only way.  And its sorrowful, and messy, and gut wrenching, and beautiful, and life affirming, all mixed together.  But the only way, is through it.

"walk"... I will walk.  I'm leaning in, instead of running away.  I am moving, walking through.  Sometimes crawling, sometimes uncoordinated and faltering, but walking nonetheless.

"By Faith"...  where would I be if I didn't believe in something bigger than myself?  If I didn't believe Dad is in a far better place, not gasping for air, tied to a machine, purple in the face.  The words of the bible have taken on new meaning, even though I've read them numerous times before.  By Faith, when my human mind can't make sense anymore, and my broken heart can't bear any more pain.  When my eyes can't see, and my ears can't hear, and everything tastes like the salt of my tears.  By faith.

"even when I can't see"...  Like the day I found this necklace.  I was walking the street fair feeling, blunted, stifled, preparing for my eyes to fill with tears at any moment.  Walking around feeling like my insides are on the outside... exposed, raw, and wide open.  I ran into friends, I remember talking briefly, and suddenly I was standing alone.  I don't remember saying goodbye... or most of the conversation.  Maybe it was still shock, maybe it was preservation for a weary mind and body, but "normal" things like conversations and going to the street fair, aren't so normal right now.

Because instead I am focusing on the smell of the roasted turkey legs and they remind me of how much Dad loved it when we brought them home to him from the fair.  Or how at one time we would have walked from the fair to visit him at his wood shop just blocks away.  And when I keep these memories close to me, I keep a little piece of him still here.  Even when I can't see.

So "normal" is a struggle.  I forget dates, times, and what I am talking about in mid sentence.  I am like the surface of the river, on the outside I appear calm with a steady flow.  But below the tranquil surface, the undercurrent, like grief, runs deep, with a mighty pull that drags you under at times.

"I will walk by Faith even when I can't see."  I realize the phrase probably means, faith is what we can't see. But on a day when I couldn't see, this little necklace was the first thing I "saw" that made any sense to me at all.   So I keep my chain close as a reminder, so that I know...

I am walking,

by faith,

even when,

I can't see.

"12 weeks of summer in two days"

The party invite was pretty much every 10 year olds dream of a party... swimming, tubing, jet skiing, boating, fishing, and sleeping over-night. Add in pizza and ribs and fruit and chips and dip and birthday cake and you'll know why my son almost didn't sleep the night before he left for the party. I think our host Jeff put it best "we're trying to pack 12 weeks of summer fun into two days."

But the best part of the party? Was when WE, the parents got to go to the lake and spend the day.  Rick brought along his zoom lens and got these fun photos of everyone tubing.

Alex and Riley, the birthday boy who turned 11.

Ryan and Alex

                             Kate, the brave, was excited to go with her Dad, Thad.

                                                               Nolan taking a turn by himself.

And then there's Kate's mom, Bonnie.  The only kind of water she likes is filled with chlorine, surrounded by cement.  Her "yuck" radar was on high alert as this was her first time spending time at the lake.  The best way to get her acquainted with the lake?  Why tubing behind the boat of course.

Thumbs up means go faster.   Thumbs down means slower, I'm ready to get off...  ummm Bonnie, they haven't even started yet.  C'mon Snooks, you can do it.

Head first into the water?  

Oh no...

... that was a close one.  Faster Kate?  Sure thing...

... the scream heard round the lake.  

Thumbs up and thumbs down... classic mother and daughter.   But guess who said they are ready to come back to the lake?  

They started as friends.

    Two days later, after swimming, tubing, jumping, fishing, in the hot summer sun, they left as friends.

    

                                                                    Sam and Colton

Thad and Bonnie






Nolan





Kim and Kenzie

We barely got in the car before this little light was out.  

Thanks to our amazing hosts, Kim and Jeff.  They welcomed us to their little slice of paradise and we all left feeling rejuvenated from sunshine,  good food, amazing friends, and blessings overflowing.  
Same time next week?  *wink* *wink*

Sneak peek

After...



... two different hard drives were installed and failed...

... umpteen hours were spent waiting... for things to load, spin and then still crash...

... a bunch of new software installs... that went nowhere...

we finally solved our computer woes.

And all it took?

Was a brand spankin new Imac... now why didn't I try that in the first place?





Here is a sneak peek of where we spent part of our weekend...  at a beautiful home, on a lake, with good friends, fun and food.  So much more to share soon...

My first time alone...

It was the sky yesterday that reflected my inner turmoil the most. In the midst of blue and sunshine and warmth, dark clouds formed and rain poured down from that one spot overhead... while the sun streamed all around.  Its exactly how I have been feeling... sunshine around the edges of the thunderstorm of grief.

It was a rough week...

Monday, the 19th, two weeks after my Dad passed away, his older brother Marvin joined him in his heavenly home.

I felt ripped open even wider.

On Wednesday, my computer hard drive crashed. Locked within are all of my photos from Dad's funeral and the week or so before that.

On Thursday, our internet stopped working which actually is kind of funny when you think about it. What isn't funny is how slow it is now as the provider tries to fix it.

On Friday we drove to Marvin's funeral which is almost 4 hours from where we live and is the place where my dad grew up.



The tidal wave of emotion that flooded over me as the "big cow" loomed in front of us... caught me off guard. You just know, don't you, that we played "who will be the first to see the cow?" back when we drove an old brown 1970 Ford Galaxy 500, the speed limit was 55 and it felt like we drove to the end of the world to get to New Salem.










My senses were flooded.  The sweet smell of wheat ready for harvest.  The sea of purple, otherwise known as flax, carpeting the sides of the road.  The red scoria rock covered gravel roads that leave a rusty film of dirt on your car as you travel out in the country.  The friendly waves from every car you meet on the road.  The smell of candy mixed in with wooden floors and medicine at the drugstore my other uncle used to own on the main street.

Everywhere, I turned, I was reminded of Dad.  I realized at some point this was my very first time ever visiting New Salem, without my Dad.  Although, I am sure he was with us most of the day.

During the sermon at the funeral I had to remind myself they were talking about Marvin because I've heard the same words said about my dad.  They were gentle, quiet, trustworthy, faithful, hard workers, who loved their families.  I also heard the word "sentimental."  I think they portrayed Marvin "just right."

While Dad's casket had tools inside, Marvin's had tractors wedged into the flowers on top.






The funeral was held in town, but burial took place out behind the old Bethel country church. We used to attend church out there when we visited Grandma. I was entranced with its simple beauty as my cousin gave us a tour inside. Its in some disrepair, but still used on occasion.





Whenever we came to visit, Dad was in his glory and loved socializing after church with all the people that were always so happy to see him. He would have loved knowing his grandchildren got a chance to see the church.





Marvin was blessed with 13 grandchildren and 6 great grandchildren.  My own two boys were even given balloons to release as well.  And do you know where those balloons headed?


... as we held our breath, they flew up over the trees, into the sky and headed collectively... straight to the family farm... there were lots of chuckles as they hurried on their way.


A kind gentlemen showing the kids where the farm is at, after reassuring them there are no snakes in the grass.


After driving past the farm that was recently sold to another family, we headed for home.  I left with a sense of knowing where I come from.  I gathered a couple of wild sunflowers from along the road... just call me sentimental.



On our way home, we stopped by Valley City, where my dh's family farmstead resides. The boys enjoyed standing in the wheat fields.




I shouldn't have been surprised to find a few pieces of wheat tucked into the back seat of the car... they're learning as well.  Their Grandpa would be so proud. 

Cully's Kids 2010, or how I spent my birthday...

I wasn't going to go... I just didn't think I was ready... but then mom said she'd babysit.  Rick had free tickets because he took pictures at the golf outing earlier that day.  And I knew we'd be surrounded by friends.   So the night of my birthday Rick and I went to the silent/live auction and concert for the Cully's Kids foundation.  Cully's Kids is the foundation started by Matt Cullen and his wife Bridget, which raises funds for healthcare needs of children, with an emphasis on children with cancer.  Matt just signed a new contract to play with the Minnesota Wild this year and our community is so excited to be able to see him play next year so close to home.

The "celebrities" invited to attend are NHL players, like Cory Stillman from the Florida Panthers, and Eric Staal, from the Carolina Hurricanes, and Bret Hedican (married to Kristi Yamaguchi) who recently retired from the NHL.  All three players, played with Matt Cullen in 2006, the year they won the Stanley Cup.

Also on hand were several of our Division I college hockey players.  Do you remember Chris Vande Velde?  He completed his season at UND and then signed to play with the Edmonton, Oilers.  I totally jumped into this picture for the sake of my friend Jen in the green UND jersey... anything to help a friend out... *wink*  *wink*

















Michelle and Julie each organize one of the events for the weekend and do an amazing job. I can only imagine the tons of hours they volunteer for the events.







Matt Cullen with his middle son.  In between signing autographs and posing for photos, Matt takes time for his most important role, Dad.



Matt's oldest son running the bases...



While there are celebrities in abundance at the event, the true stars of the day are the kids the foundation supports.  Some of these kids and their families have overcome more obstacles in their short lives than many of us will face in our lifetime.  But they are not lacking in energy, joy and a true light that shines through.  










Nolan was thrilled to be asked to help with some of the games.




Future Redhawk?  Why not dream big...









After two hours we left hot, tired, sweaty, thirsty and utterly satisfied all at the same time.  You come thinking you are going to "help" and leave knowing you are better for having spent time with these amazing kids.  
I can't imagine a better way to have spent my Birthday.  

So... its my birthday...

Its aged. Tattered, and faded. It almost looks like I could have photoshopped it to give it that antiqued and vintage look. But I didn't... that's me baby, over 40 years ago and its time that has well, aged it, much like myself.

Today, the treasure in the picture, is the location of the photo.  I'm on the farm my father grew up on and for all I know it was one of my first visits.  The photo was taken in July of 68, somewhere around the time when I turned 1.  What I miss is the ability to ask my dad who seems seemed to remember everything... but he blessed me with an active imagination that can fill in the gaps in my own way.  I have to wonder if that might not be a stroller my own dad once sat in?  

I've realized this week what my Dad's biggest gift is to me... the delight in the simple things.  I awoke this morning not thinking about if I will have a cake, or presents or even a party, but with a sense of knowing I am okay, that I will be okay, and that is simply enough for today.

I couldn't have known...

I started this post, Monday July 12th...




I awoke today with a tingle on my nose. I had mildly sunburned just the top of my nose one day last week and was sure that is all it was, sunburn.


But it instantly brought me back... thirteen years ago to the day, (July 12th, 1997) I awoke to an overcast sky and a tingle on my nose from the fever blisters and sunburn I had acquired. Everyone assured me however, that rain on your wedding day was a sign of good luck.


So on that day, we heaped on make up. Thank goodness for Merle Norman. But honestly,  I felt too heady and giddy to care what my nose looked like.

All I really know is that the day flew by. I know the string quartet we hired played beautifully. I felt love surround me in the shape of family and friends who came to celebrate. The flowers were so pretty. My bouquet was heavy. My dad and I danced to the song Butterfly kisses and he told me it was the first time he had ever really danced at a Wedding dance. These are just some of the things I know...


What I couldn't have known, was that thirteen years later to the day (July 12th), the very same love, from the very same people, that surrounded me on our Wedding Day, would rise up and encircle me again, on the day we buried my father.

In fact, its that un-nameable thing, that I love the most about my husband. I didn't have to ask for his approval to have a funeral on "our" day... he was more than okay with quietly stepping aside in honor of my dad.









So we gathered again at the church. We were nervous about how well the new pastor, having only met Dad once, would portray him. We needn't have worried. He captured the heart and essence of my father to perfection. He pointed to each item, my dad, a woodworker, had made for the church. From the banner hanger that is used for funerals and baptisms, to the kiosk that stands in the narthex greeting everyone with announcements. He spoke of Dad's faith, and his love of his family.

My favorite part was when the microphone was passed and everyone had a story to share. We laughed and cried and laughed some more. I kid you not when I say at least 5 different nieces/nephews told me yesterday "He was my favorite uncle..."  The family that showed up to honor our Dad, took up the entire middle section of our church.  Love, overflowing.








Daddy's final resting place, is in a pine box, under a graceful, shady, apple tree. Seems fitting for a woodworker. Even more fitting, the man who used his hands to craft beauty out of wood, a carpenter, is in his heavenly home, with the greatest carpenter of all.


It turns out my nose, wasn't just sunburned... its covered... in fever blisters, the first time in thirteen years that has happened again.


******************************************

As many of you know, I am not the only one mourning the loss of her Dad today. Our Sara, who blogs at Gitzen Girl, lost her father unexpectedly last Friday. Her Dad was on a lake in Minnesota and suffered a massive heart attack. He is being laid to rest today and due to Sara's illness, she will not be able to attend. Please visit Gitzen Girl today and leave her some encouragement and love.