Thursday, August 30, 2012


Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken.
Albert Camus

Its out of the blue that Nolan asks me something about Grandma Carole.  

Mom, if they could have gotten Grandma to eat or drink something, would she have lived?

I feel the dull thud of my heart as I realize he thinks she starved.  

No, Nolan.  She didn't starve... she... I falter...

And this is when my astute youngest child intercepts.... paging Dr. Colton

Nolan, she was just too unstable.  They wanted to do a scan to find out what was wrong, but she was too unstable to be moved.  

I realize his ten year old brain heard way more in that room than it ought to have...

Oh, Nolan says, I get it...

But I wonder if he does.  

I'm not sure any of us do.  

We are just trying to bend.

We're filling up the empty spaces with activity.  We baked zucchini muffins and bread.  I cringe as I hand Colton the grater for the zucchini.  But the time to learn is now, not later.  Urgency for the boys to know everything I can teach them haunts me daily.  I swallow my need to protect him from scraping his knuckles too, knowing his heart is already bruised.  

I'm learning there is little I can do to protect them from the hard and the messy.

Nolan insists he can use the electric knife.  As the knife clatters against the glass of the bowl he is using, again, my nerves fray and I want to steady his hand, and grab the knife away.  But I don't.  He is determined to learn.  His sense of accomplishment evident as he lines up the bags ready for the freezer.

This summer, he ventures away from us a little more.  He accepts the invitation when his friends ask him to sleep over.  He hugs me tightly promising he'll return the next day and it won't hardly feel like we've been apart at all.  He admits the next day he laid awake for a long time, not being able to fall asleep.  But he managed.  He relied on himself.  

He is bending.  We are all bending... 


  1. It is hard to explain to little ones. We sometimes faulter for words that they can understand, and sometimes say the wrong word that to them means something initirely different.

    It is very hard to teach children the things we won't them to learn, but I admire you for allowing them to help And to bend with them as they grow.

    Hugs to all of you in these difficult days! Love you!

    1. Verna- I received your package in the mail! Such lovely work you do- so talented- I am very honored! Love to you Verna...


  2. Hey, I've scraped my knuckles on the darn grater... but I never have made zucchini muffins with my mom... keep making those memories and sharing knowledge.. the seeds that you sow today will bloom down the road.. even scraped knuckles :-) ... but especially the patience you show and the time together. Priceless.

    1. Thanks Karen- l'm learning from all of you - scraping my own darn knuckles along with everyone else - ha- no wonder we try to shield our littles from the perils of graters...

  3. Oh today you have to give thanks to ready made meals you can buy just about anywhere.
    When we go away for a few days, we leave my son a lot of
    boxes to heat up and food he can cook, which doesn't seem to register to him that he can actually do lol
    The fridge could be packed and he'll come and say there is nothing to
    But anything he can make in a micro is good.
    Noodles, heating up various boxes of ready made food. Sandwiches.
    , hard boiled eggs. fruit.
    He gets along and is happy.
    Soups are especially good frozen or canned. Lots of plastic bags but they do the job. I tell him not to cook in the plastic as plastic bleeds and is not good for him but if he puts them in glass bowls it's fine.
    I have not been lucky to get him interested in cooking but occasionally he will make himself a nice steak.
    When he says Mom I'm hungry at midnight, I tell him go make something yourself and he retorts, so you don't want to do your
    I say nope. Not at midnight. You want meals you have to come at meal time.
    Comes a time to be tough lol
    But I was never worried he would not be able to cook if the time ever came when he had to. Kids are smart today.Schools teach them many things and it's not like there is no where to get info from.
    You have to trust in their abilities and instincts.
    You are doing the right thing in letting them experiment.
    When I was a kid, I always thought making my parents breakfast in bed was a big deal.I loved to treat them. Even when my food tasted horrible, my parents would eat it and compliment me.I made crepes,toast, fried eggs,cereal,porridge. The rest of the day my Mom cooked lol

    1. I am with you, Vic- teaching the boys how to function in the kitchen is something that will serve them well always :) Thanks for the encouragement!

  4. oh vicky....
    this post brought tears to my eyes.
    protecting our kids from the hard and the messy is our job and its' the hardest job anyone has ever had.
    and bending....oh do we bend, don't we ? personally i think moms are the most a gummy we have to be. it's how god made us.
    hugs to you.....

    1. Thank Beth- and I seem so unbendable sometimes- learning to bend- oy :) Hugs to you friend...

  5. Vicky, I can hear your heart so strongly through these words. I feel your ache and the urgency you speak of, that breaks my heart that you feel it daily and maybe just maybe that is something we can give thanks for - that everyday you are their mom and you are teaching them - expanding your moments.

    You honestly make me stop and soak up the moments more - love you dear girl - love you!


    1. I think that is brilliant Tiffany- yes "something we can give thanks for..." so true. Love you back girlie :)

  6. Vicky,
    We don't know each other, but I have been following your blog for awhile now. I just have to tell you that you touch my heart with each of your posts and I can feel how very deeply you love your family. As a mom, my heart goes out to you. Stay strong and know that you have this fellow moms prayers!

    1. Hi Mandy-

      So fun to see you show up here! Thank you for your gracious words and those prayers- they keep me going more than you could possibly know! Blessings to you-

  7. Your posts always touch my heart Vicky, and they really make me think. Thank you for sharing what you do. You're such an amazing person!

    I hope you all have a nice weekend!

    1. Aww Jen, thank you- I'm no different than the rest of you truly - you all do your share of inspiring ME :) Happy weekend to you!

  8. Your heart knows the way to bend and to teach your boys, sweet Vicky. You are so strong! Sending you love and prayers xoxo

    1. Thank you Anyes- I'm learning- always learning and trying at least. If you see strength in me, I am truly honored- I think its sheer survival mode :)

  9. I'm glad to see the boys want to be along side mom in the kitchen, so wonderful. I'm behind on reading posts, but I'm sorry to see your back problems are still not better. You'll get through it Vicky, things will get better. Wishing you a wonderful weekend.

    1. Thank you Lisa- I'm behind too - and I hope if you're busy it means you're riding and enjoying the rest of our beautiful weather. I wish you a wonderful weekend as well!

  10. Sorry, Vicky. I don't have any words on this post. Only tears. I'm sorry.


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