Able…

Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts.

It was nearly 1 pm, time for my appointment with Dr. Foster.  I am already sitting down in the waiting room with my pager, when I look up and he is hurrying by my seat.  He smiles in acknowledgment and waves.  

Within minutes, my pager goes off.  Its my friend, Heather, who happens to also be the charge nurse in radiation oncology, who comes to get me.  She is smiling so big and I alway feel how authentic she is.  I'm touched she has taken the time to come and get me.  

Of course, that makes me more chatty, and I have to remember, we're trying to do all the paperwork since I am a "new" patient again, having been released just a few months prior.  She is professional and always does a thorough job, while bringing comfort in her compassion and kindness for me, always.

She tells me Dr. Foster will be coming in, but he is thoroughly going through the old scan and the new one, and will take awhile.

So Rick and I wait.

It feels like forever, and all at once.  This place I find myself- straddling that line.  

As Heather is leaving I find myself saying,  "I am just open… to receive whatever is…"  

At some point, Dr. Foster emerges.  He smiles warmly, and greets both Rick and I.

Then he begins by saying he thinks, based on what he has seen, he has two options to present.  And then he leans forward a bit and says, that he personally, likes, one of them better.

So here, in a nutshell, as best as I can offer is his impression.

First, the scans are unclear of exactly what is happening in those two spots.  The word "prominence" is used in a vague sort of way in the report.  But that is because the nature of the prominence could be several things.  It could very likely be that my cancer is growing. Or it could be what is being seen, is necrosis, or dying tissue, just now, showing up on the scans. Or some combination of both of these things.  Some new cells, scattered about some old. 

And then it hits me, suddenly.  We aren't talking about new spots.  We are indeed talking about two previously treated spots.  Which leads me to know, only one treatment will be available, at whatever point its needed.  

So he offers his two choices.  To go ahead and treat those spots with radiation, in the only way that remains an option for me.  Whole Brain Radiation.  There, I've said it.  The one I've tried to keep out of my line of sight, out of my thoughts, out of my mouth.  The one I hoped wasn't in my future.  The one I can barely conceive of… the one.  I won't say more.  I can't.  Please know, I can't even talk about it. 

So we quickly go on to the next option he has.  Which is to wait.  Do nothing, now.  And re-scan in a few months, to see if there is more in which to help us decide what to do.  

His last question to me, then, is whether or not I feel psychologically able to withstand waiting.

So my decision, is between, hard, and hard.  

So hard it is!  I'll take hard, with a side of grace.

I do feel reprieve in the waiting.  I do know 3 more months is a gift.  

But there is still an ache in my heart.  A sadness, behind it all, that I am trying to sit with, for now.

******** I'm so thankful to fully feel, I am not doing this alone.  You all are so kind, and brave, for opening yourselves, to going through this very hard stuff, right along side me. And your prayers have soothed me, buffered me, and stood me up, when I wasn't sure I was able.*********

My infusion volunteer, Sandy, shared this with me yesterday:  "God is able."  Then she prayed, sweet words, over me, washing me in his Grace and Love.  

God is able.  And through his grace, I pray that I am able, too.  

Able, Mabel… has a certain charm to it, right? 

mountain climbing and the heart of possibility

"We always have the ability to shine our soul’s light, access a greater reality and live in the heart of possibility."  Panache Desai

Midmorning Friday, my phone rang.  It lit up with the Sanford number and I right away suspected it would be him.

It was.

"Hi Vicky, Panwalkar here.  How are you?"  

We quickly get past the pleasantries.  He knows I am waiting to hear.

He jumps right in.

"Your scan, Vicky, the two brain tumors, are more prominent now."

"And the third one?"  I ask.  "What about that third spot."

"Oh, he says.  "Just give me a minute to pull it up on my screen."  Minutes pass, as I hear his computer working.  He mumbles a quick "sorry, it takes so long."  

He also uses this time to ask me about the retreat.  "Shelby, (Dr. Terstreip) told me you were speaking again.  How did it go?"

"We had a great day~" I tell him enthusiastically, "just great."

"I am sorry I couldn't attend this year," he says apologetically.

I assure him it was fine.

Finally the scan has loaded and he reads the report.

"That third spot may have been a blood vessel or something, but it is not showing on this scan. So its just those two spots."

"So, what would you like to do?" He asks.

Oh dear.  He is asking me?  

I know he is wondering if I've read up on treatments of this nature.  And the truth is?  I haven't wanted to go there.  

I know there are no chemotherapy agents left, that cross the blood brain barrier. I've tried the others already.

And radiation to my brain?  Well I've successfully done that twice.  But two times, is already exceeding the limits of how much radiation a body should take.

So three times?  Is this even an option? I'm stuck trying to see this one through.

And so is Dr. Panwalkar.

He either isn't ready to tell me what I don't want to hear… or he hopes maybe someone can muster some idea of something that can be done.

"Would you like to see what Dr. Foster thinks?"  

I agree that I would.  

Dr. Foster has one opening Tuesday, tomorrow after my infusion.

I pray he has an answer I can live with.  I pray he has an answer so I can live.  

Will you pray for my aching heart?  My restless and searching mind?  For Dr. Foster, to somehow help me through this?

Ultimately, I know its still in HIS hands.  

When I open my Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young, I'm bowed down with these words for today:

Be willing to follow wherever I lead.  Follow Me wholeheartedly… Though you don't know what lies ahead, I know; and that is enough! Some of My richest blessings are just around the bend: out of sight, but nonetheless real. To receive these gifts you must walk by faith-not by sight…

Sometimes I lead you up a high mountain with only My hand to support you.  The higher you climb, the more spectacular the view becomes; also, the more keenly you sense your separation from the world.  This frees you to experience exuberantly the joyous reality of My Presence.  Give yourself fully to those Glory moments, awash in dazzling Light.  I will eventually lead you down the mountain, back into community with others. Let My Light continue to shine within you as you walk among people again.  

Our fundraising site continues to be such a joy and source of light to us.  

Thank you for loving us so.   

Will be back with updates as soon as I can.  

Embracing Life Breast Cancer Survivors Retreat

Shannon Adler " Carve your name on hearts, not on tombstones.  A legacy is etched into the minds of others and the stories they share about you.

What an incredible retreat we had yesterday! 

This was actually a photo we took at the end of our day, with a few of the remaining women.

We missed some of our "sista's" in this photo- but these are some of the lovely women of the FM Breast Friends group.  

But this is what welcomed me as I watched for my friend Steph to come and pick me up yesterday, early morning.  I knew we were in for a spectacular day!  

We walked in to such a fresh and pretty setting inside the Plains Art Museum.  

There were 3 levels to the building and then this main gathering space we used for the main presentations. 

There is something about seeing your doctors outside of the clinic setting, in a more casual atmosphere that really promotes an easy- going format in which to communicate. I went to the "After Breast Cancer Surgery Experience," for my first break out session.  Dr. Bouton, on the left performed my mastectomy and then a second repair surgery.  But when I still didn't heal, he referred me over to Dr. Antoniuk's very capable hands.  It was great seeing them collaborate, and also defer to each other with our questions.  They're both smart, compassionate and well-versed in surgery and reconstruction of the breast.  

In between our breakout sessions we had some great inspiring stories shared!  Deb, in the purple jacket, rallied everyone to "rock out" along with her very effectively showing how music and singing and playing can be a wonderful part of your recovery and journey.

The first activity we worked on together at our tables, was a tree.  We worked through a meditation using the imagery of the tree.  I have to say at the beginning- I could see the tree next to a river.  I heard water rushing, birds chirping and singing, I could smell the damp, ripe earth.  And then by the end of the meditation- I felt like I had somehow become the tree.  The tree wasn't off in the distance- somehow the tree and I were the same.  It was a powerful experience.

Notice the words we used to decorate our tree- sisterhood, acceptance, laughter, faith, compassion, family, love, etc.  We were building our connections, creating a story- together. 

We had a delicious lunch, topped off with this yummy spice cake.

 Then, before I knew it, I was being called up to the front for my presentation.  I have to say I was both nervous,  but also excited.  I had truly poured into my pages everything I could muster.  Now if I could just share my heart.  My hope is always, that maybe one small thing will resonate with someone and help them, in ways I have been helped by others.

Whew I made it...

And this is where I am biting the insides of my cheeks, trying not to flood with tears.  I see it in their eyes.  I see it in the other survivor's expressions.  In the tears being wiped and then that subtle shift from sitting to everyone standing and clapping.  Oh how I am blessed.  

I spoke of how I want to live a life based on connection- and what I felt?  Was heart connected.  I'm holding my heart feeling the "oneness," with so many.  

Spitfire- gets it.   This is the Sanford therapy dog.  He literally laid his head on my knee under a table I was sitting at for a long time,  and then eventually laid at my feet.  

These are two of the rockstar women who make this retreat, this experience, this journey- embraceable.  

Dr. Shelby Terstreip- Medical Oncologist, and Dr. Chery Hysjulien, Oncology Psychologist.  I'm so honored to literally have one on each side of me, walking this breast cancer journey with me.

But I'd be remiss if I didn't mention an entire staff of women, present, who directed our way when we were confused.  Who set up shuttle rides when they knew parking would be difficult. Who helped those in wheelchairs, or some on crutches who needed a little extra guidance.  They have literally been planning this event, from the day after the last event finished.  Clearly a teamwork of people who support survivors with all that they do, and so often are behind the scenes.  But their care and compassion shone through all the well thought out and executed details.  

This would be Momma Duck… Pam is a co-founder of the FM Breast Friends group and wrapped up our event yesterday by sharing her awe-inspiring story.  I have no doubt she has touched more lives through her endless work on behalf of so many breast cancer survivors like myself.

This is my friend Jane.  I admire her more than words can say.  I am so glad we got a chance to snap a quick photo.  

With more time I would have taken more pics with friends- I'm sorry to the ones I missed!! 

(Steph, we need a re-do!)  

Our day ended with a gift!  Look at the beautiful bracelet made for us.  It has "embrace," stamped on the outside of it and has a tree charm strung onto it.  Each year, we hope to add a charm to the bracelet.  

In other news...

I'm in complete awe of all the kindness and generosity happening on the fundraising blog… Vicky Fighting Breast Cancer. 

How would you pick amongst all of those thank you gifts?  A handmade quilt?  Beautiful cottage pillows?  The horse pillows?  The baskets filled with hundreds of dollars of fall goodness- from books to read, (some of my favorites) to Starbucks gift cards, to fall colors in napkins and plates, etc.  

I love, that just 10 dollars, buys you a chance at one of these items.   Linda and Peggy Sue have poured their hearts into making this a spectacular event.  

I will be back with an MRI update, as soon as I have one.

Blessings on your weekend!

One More Day

A Guest Post:

                 Courage...

             Courage doesn't always

            roar. sometimes courage

          is the quiet voice at the end

                  of the day saying,

          "I will try again tomorrow."

One of the true blessings in my life is calling Vicky

Westra my friend. I am amazed every day at how

Vicky approaches life, life when it is full of  joy

and life when it is full of challenges. Vicky loves life!

She radiates the sacredness of life, of all its miracles.

The light coming through the leaves of a tree, the smile

on her son Colton's face, the sound of children laughing,

the feel of her loyal doggy's fur. Vicky is grateful for it all.

Her spirit is gracious and giving and extended to all who 

reach out to her. And her gratitude is contagious.

So in the midst of the greatest challenge and fight of her own 

life, Vicky, sweet Vicky, loves others, inspires others, writes

her heart out, and reaches out to others. This expansive love 

and care and genuine concern just doesn't end. It envelopes all 

of us who love her so. 

Vicky is the most courageous person I know.

Her quiet, resolved courage doesn't roar but comes back day 

after day and week after week. She's a fighter, and she's

fighting for her very life!

Vicky trusts the One who made her. Her motto is :

All Shall Be Well. And as she prays for one more day

and one more week and one more month and one more

year and forever...we who love her pray along with her.

We are her prayer warriors. 

You see our dear Vicky has been diagnosed with stage four breast cancer, but cancer doesn't define Vicky Westra. Vicky may have cancer, but cancer doesn't have her. One of my favorite quotations

describes Vicky perfectly. It says...

                       She knew that 

                     she was formed

                  by God's hand

                    dreamed up

                in His heart and

              placed in this world

                   for a purpose.

Vicky is truly God's child, formed in His mighty hand and

dreamed up in His heart. She has been placed in this world

for a sacred purpose. His purpose for her. And so she tells

her story and writes a blog, and inspires others with cancer.

And she teaches us, by how she lives each day, to live every day

as if it was our last. To hold all of life sacred.

Vicky chooses JOY, seeks JOY, finds JOY and gives

JOY to all who know her. She gives and she gives...

and now we have a chance to give back. 

Vicky would never ask you to help her with the financial strain

that having cancer brings. Yet like any cancer patient, she not only faces a disease that tries to take her life, Vicky deals with

the financial drain that comes with cancer.

She would never tell you the financial toll cancer takes or let

you know about all of the adjustments and sacrifices her family 

has made. However, those of us who have fought this same battle

know the costs only too well. 

Vicky won't ask for your help financially, so Peggy Sue and I

want to ask you for her. For Vicky. For her husband Rick. 

For her oldest son Nolan. For her sweet boy, Colton.

Peggy Sue and I invite you to come along side us in helping our

 friend Vicky Westra.  Can you join us in this fundraiser? And participate in Our Thank you Gift's Drawing?These items, handmade by the two of us, are just a token of what we can do if we all come together. We hope that as people participate in this raffle that we can make a dent in the financial stress that Vicky's family faces.

Our quilts and pillows and baskets were made with love. They 

may be small, but if we all gather together and help and contribute, we can do a mighty work. We believe that with all our hearts. And what we know for sure is that with God ALL things are possible.

Thank you for considering doing this for our Vicky! Also, if you are on Facebook or have friends who might like to participate, please give them this link:

http://vickyfightingbreastcancer.blogspot.com

Thank you in advance for all of your help and support.
As Vicky always says, "Love you to the moon and back again!"

God Bless!

Linda Seppa Salisbury

**************************************************

I'm touched beyond words by both Peggy Sue and Linda who have crafted, and sewn, and stitched, and gathered, and spent time and more time, putting together a fundraiser for me and my family.

My MRI went well yesterday.   The techs don't even question my prayer list anymore, and tuck it into my "make my life a prayer," bracelet that I am allowed to wear.  Pray, rest, repeat.  

I am preparing for a special performance tonight of the play Wit, that I will attend with other breast cancer survivors, and our Breast Cancer Survivor's Retreat tomorrow, in which I will give my "Living a Legacy," speech.  

So thankful for the abundant grace I feel raining down.