embrace the grace...

I'm not really sure when it started.  I get so dang tired of carrying cancer around with me that I don't pay a lot of attention to it.  But one day I stepped outside and whoa as I stopped on the top step, everything around me kept moving.  I felt like I needed to grab the pillar just to steady myself.

Within minutes, I was fine again, and off I went. It didn't happen again until I was in the car with Nolan.  Around a corner we sailed and my head?  Just kept on sailing as my stomach dropped and my heart started to pound- this must be what vertigo feels like?  What the heck?

Those initially fleeting moments start to add up after awhile.  And then... one day I toppled right over.  Oh I was probably cleaning up after the dog, bending, leaning, stretching, and then suddenly, flat on my bottom on the ground. It took a couple of tries to get myself upright again, I was so off kilter.  Uff da...  

Yet, I'm feeling so much better, in so many ways. My words flow more freely, with some chemo fog lifting.  I have more stamina for sustained periods, as brief as they may be.  I can dry a load of clothes and bring them upstairs in a basket.  However folding them after that... yeah... still a stretch.  Maybe the next day?

So as I collect the sum of all the parts,  I find myself confiding my dizzy and somewhat wobbly nature to Annie, the PA. She absorbed what I was saying and concluded with ordering a scan.  I'll be having a brain MRI later this week.  She also conveys to me that my tumor marker, has started to rise.  Sigh...

Crosby and I "get" each other on a whole new level these days too.  His seizures come in clusters now.  Sometimes within hours of each other.  Sometimes days in between. But as traumatic and hard as they are to witness, and for him to go through, we stick with each other, enjoying our better moments-together.  Rick and I are in the process of getting a consult for Crosby with a Neurologist veterinarian, in the cities. We need guidance in how to truly care for our dog, ensuring quality in his life. 

These times, when it seems we can't add anymore?  Grace rises up to meet us, and multiplies the abundant gifts in our ordinary days. We just need eyes to see, as we number our gifts that literally lie at our fingertips. 


  Annie concludes our appointment, then shares photos with me of her new golden retriever puppy- Grace.  And there it is again- just when I need it.  We talked about hockey, and dogs, and life- the good stuff... with cancer falling to the side again, like chaff from the threshing floor. 

So I'm letting go of all of these things... continually letting go.  And I'll embrace the grace, with eyes that see fresh every time I blink and focus anew.


Crosby loves his time outside in the shade.

Colton simply wanted to golf with his buddies, on his birthday.  That is one happy kid. 

I could do a whole post about the amazing meal sign-up we're just finishing.  Holy cannoli!  We've been filled with comfort foods, deliveries from our favorite restaurants, and surprise meals from people we've never met before.  We were nourished, both physically, and mentally, too.

This one just leap-frogged into adulthood!  No, he didn't actually get to road trip to Pittsburgh, but yes he can always dream a big dream, can't he?  Go Pens!! 

The Star Tribune ran a really great story today about Matt Cullen. It truly exemplifies who both Matt, and his wife Bridget have become and how they truly live the words they say... definitely worth the read! 

Rick and I felt lucky to surprise the boys with tickets to a Garth Brooks concert.  They only had one question... who is Garth Brooks? And who goes to Garth Brooks?  

So as we were walking up to the Fargo Dome doorway, guess who Nolan saw just off to our side?  A man trying to shield his face.  He was Carson Wentz, the newly drafted Philadelphia Eagles NFL quarterback from North Dakota State University.  Suddenly- Garth Brooks was very cool.

The boys outwardly appeared to enjoy themselves.  My fitbit was registering steps like crazy.  Then this... Garth sings this and with teary eyes, I video a small portion of it. 

Looking back on the memory of
the dance we shared 'neath the stars above;
For a moment all the world was right.
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye?

And now, I'm glad I didn't know
the way it all would end, the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance;
I could have missed the pain,
but I'd have had to miss the dance...

The concert ends and its a school night so we head home to get the boys to bed.  Rick and I wonder aloud, could we find 2 cheap tickets and go again over the weekend?  And that's when we hear what the boys really think of the concert- a chorus of "Hey me too, I want to go!" rings out and we know we've passed along our love of Garth Brooks to our kids.  

These moments are fleeting- but so worthy of collecting- they truly add up to what matters-like Buddha says in the end its these 3 things...

"... How much you loved, how gently you lived, how gracefully you let go of the things not meant for you."  

  

Carmel

“Humbly let go. Let go of trying to do, let go of trying to control, let go of my own way, let go of my own fears. Let God blow His wind, His trials, oxygen for joy's fire. Leave the hand open and be. Be at peace. Bend the knee and be small and let God give what God chooses to give because He only gives love and whisper a surprised thanks. This is the fuel for joy's flame. Fullness of joy is discovered only in the emptying of will. And I can empty. I can empty because counting His graces has awakened me to how He cherishes me, holds me, passionately values me. I can empty because I am full of His love. I can trust.” 

 Ann Voskamp

The air shifts as we reach the winding gravel road.  Our voices still, and we visually feast on the richness of the land.  We're here... and its begun to feel like "we're home."  We're a mere 45 minutes from our homes, but yet it seems like a distant place and time.

We've never been to Carmel of Mary, in May.

As Roxane pulls into the driveway near the guest house,  we simultaneously breathe deep, delighted by the fragrance of lilacs and giggle as our actions mirror each other. We know what awaits us... we know.

Its early evening and as Roxane busies with some work, I step out of the house.  Sensing the sun lowering I simply stroll around the grounds.  With the magnitude of the quiet, and the pure absence of any responsibility you'd think I'd have some profound thoughts.  But its like my head heard the word, retreat, and my brain said "sure, why don't we?"  

So I simply allow myself to soak in every little nuance of light, and the smell of earthiness, and feel the energy of the wind, and renewal that comes with the season of spring. 

And I start to wonder about the horse?  Will she be waiting in the field?  And I haven't seen the guinea hens in a long time, have they survived this harsh environment so different from that of their native land?  

As the sun lowers I merely work at opening my heart to whatever story may unfold.  

The sun shines bright the next morning as we prepare for mass at 7. It's Pentecost Sunday, and we'll meeting with Mother Madonna later this afternoon.

As we leave the chapel, my first surprise visitor saunters off in the distance. Roxane and I hear the unusual squawking before we even see her.  She seems alone.  She flies up on the rail of our porch, then hastily retreats as we draw near.  

Soon enough we're heading back over to the monastery for lunch.

The sisters always prepare home made, delicious meals that we fondly look forward to.  Shortly after morning mass, the bell rings, beckoning us to come.  The meals await on a turnstile which we gather and bring to the dining table, where Roxane and I dine alone.  And on this day?  A slice of cake with a lit candle in celebration of the Pentecost- or the church's birthday. 

Its after lunch that I slip outside into the warmth of the sunshine.  

It isn't long and I see her.  She is who I've longed to see... Ann's words echoing in my mind...  

"Bend the knee and be small and let God give what God chooses to give because He only gives love and whisper a surprised thanks."

She's on bended knee, and doesn't get up the whole time I walk around the outside of the fenced pasture, speaking to her.   Her ears perk up but still she doesn't move. So I whisper my thanks as I pray she is ok.  Several times I make a trip out to visit.  She is always laying down near the same spot. I have no one to ask.  

I saunter off to discover what new sights I can uncover.

I notice such small details.  Like how everything seems to be leaning and bending, creating paths that invite you to walk along.  

I go and visit Mary.  

As I walk all the way around her, I see it.  Mary's hand.  Open, outstretched.  Ann's words echoing in my head again...

"...Leave the hand open and be. Be at peace. "  

  

I walk on... in and about the big trees lining the road.  I possibly walk by it at first, but then I see it just below the arching tree branches. 

"...the small..."

The tulip is bending and leaning too... just the one.  No other tulips in sight.

I'm near the edge of the grounds now, near the road. I'm watching the willow tree branches dancing in the wind.

“Notice that the stiffest tree is most easily cracked, while the bamboo or willow survives by bending with the wind.”  Bruce Lee

I circle back, my steps reaching into the thousands today, and yet physically I feel strong. I'm emptying, and filling at the same time.

I go all the way back to the pasture behind the house.  Checking on her one last time.  She's up!  She is eating, and I quickly offer thanks for her well-being.  

Later in the afternoon, Roxane and I go to meet with Mother Madonna.  I've written a note with some prayer requests to leave with the sisters. I tuck a donation inside, knowing the sister's live off of the giving of the community.  With the lessons of "bending and leaning," freshly seeded in my mind.

"And I can empty. I can empty because counting His graces has awakened me to how He cherishes me, holds me, passionately values me. I can empty because I am full of His love. I can trust.” 

 Ann Voskamp

As the light shines through the dark clouds, the sunbeams stream down over the top of the bell tower. It's time to leave and I'm already longing to return. 

Happy Golden 14th Birthday, Colton!

Colton, you were "golden" way before you turned 14 years, on this 14th day in May.  But you are so excited for this day!  You just want to take some buddies golfing and then go out for pizza.  You simply wanted "time" with your friends doing what you love to do. You didn't even ask for anything from us for your big day- no gifts.  Of course, that makes it all that much easier to get a little something for you.  True to who you are, your eyes light up and I'm really lucky, because you're nose  crinkled for me too.  While sorting through some old things you really liked the old clock radio that Grandpa Willard used to have.  When you discovered we found one you could also charge your phone on?   Pure bonus!  

Going back through your early years is such a treat for me.
You were such a "big" baby we called you "Bubba" for the longest time, but to see your long and lean limbs and torso these days, Bubba just doesn't cut it anymore.

You are your mother's son.  You are the peace keeper, the calm maker and the care taker.  You have bonded to me fiercely and are the first to throw your arms around me unabashedly.  I love how open and generous your spirit is.  You're the first to curl up with me when I rest and then you look at me with your big doe eyes and long lashes and say so sweetly "Can we please watch my show?"  It doesn't matter what I am in the middle of watching, how can I resist those eyes?

Those same eyes that laser right through when you are mad.  Your nose crinkles at the top, your eyes light on fire and then your nostrils flare- we call those "Power Ranger" eyes and whoever is your target is in trouble when you reach your boiling point.  But less and less often those big doe eyes fill with crocodile tears first, and if they start to spill, mom is still the first thing you seek.  My heart still beats an extra beat when I see those tears that melt me on the spot.

More than anything, you're funny as heck and crack us up with the things you say. I went back and found this little gem from several years ago.  We called it... 

Dear Colton's future wife,

When Colton tells you one day that "meatloaf" has chocolate spread over the top of it, could you just go along with him?  Oh, and nod your head when he tells you his mother made it with ham? I've stood on my head so many times trying to get the boys to try various dishes I make for supper.   Colton has always had an aversion to meat.  But I am learning that if you give a dish a creative name,  like "sugar-and-chocolate-covered-no-thats-not-meat-underneath-surprise-loaf," you stand half a chance that they will take a bite.  So what if he only heard the "ham" part of the hamburger.  And I can get by with calling brown sugar and ketchup "chocolate."  Please, future wife, forgive me. 

The little turkey ate 4 pieces and swears its his favorite meal EVER.  It was such a hit, just wait till you see what we're having tomorrow night...  "hey-thats-not-tuna, noodle casserole,  with yep- those-are-green-skittles-inside."  

Flash forward to today.  He is still thin as a rail, although he has shot up to almost looking me right in the eye.  While he still leads with his whole heart, some things have changed.  Golf and pizza are waiting until tomorrow. But for his meal with his family today?  We're going to Buffalo Wild Wings.  The kid has suddenly gone crazy over eating, meat! 

To the moon and back- Bubba Jack- love you- all the way there and back.  

Tonight, my friend Roxane and I are headed off to the Carmel Monastery for a couple of days of retreat.

I always bring along prayer requests that the Sisters so graciously receive.  Does anyone have a request for prayers? Please leave in comments below.  

I'll be back in time for a doctor appointment and infusion on Tuesday...  and hopefully picture galore from Carmel.  

~all shall be well~ 

Happy 16th Birthday, Nolan!

Happy Birthday, Nolan!  I wonder if it's selfish on my part, that I want to celebrate today, too?  Whew, Nolan, you were not an easy labor!  Dr. Johnson warned me I should never share my birth story with any soon to be mom!  From the moment my water broke and it was the color of "pea soup," my birth "plan" went right out the window.  It was the day I would discover who was really in charge of how this thing would go- and it was not me.  

"A boy is truth with dirt on it's face,

beauty with a cut on its finger,

wisdom with bubble gum in its hair,

and the hope of the future with a frog in its pocket."

-- Author Unknown

From a 16 hour labor, and 4 hours of pushing, with both the mighty-vac trying to help get you out, and then the mighty forceps that finally turned you and sprung you free... whew, boy, you were a labor of love.  

Every day, you've stretched me.  Made me reach higher, while digging deeper.  Helped my arms grow wider, and my love to multiply in ways I've never known.  You've helped me see the world in ways I've never thought possible.    

Like when you were 2, and decided to shower your freshly cleaned nursery, with baby powder, while you were supposed to be napping.  Not a surface was left untouched.  And when I tiptoed into the room and found you climbing back into your crib?  You beamed at what you had accomplished.  I huffed my way to the vacuum, as mad as I could be.  I cleaned, and dusted, and worked my way through trying to restore order... only to turn and see you standing there.  With a big cheesy smile on your face, and that darn bottle of powder, you gleefully held it up and squirted the last few shots out of it, then danced underneath the shower of it...

And you got me.  I collapsed in the sheer absurdity of it all, tears streaming of frustration that quickly turned to laughter.  It WAS funny.  I was truly just beginning to see the world though new eyes. You and I, from the very beginning, have forged a bond together that can never be broken.  

 You've never stopped teaching me since.  And I long to know, where you're going to take me next?  Your impish smile, never-ending thirst for activity and adventure, and ability to still reach your arms all the way around me, enclosing me in a hug that could carry me forever.  

At six days old, and now sixteen years old... at just six pounds, and now 6 foot tall, I think of that book we read over and over again...

“I’ll love you forever,

I’ll like you for always,

as long as I’m living

my baby you’ll be.” 

Robert Munsch