I am home

9:00 am Saturday morning, just 24 hours after surgery, a smiling Dr. Bouton peels back the bandages covering my incision. I smile and comment when I see my mole is still there.  He says yes, "moles like that distinguish who we are.  The others in the operating room wondered why I wouldn't remove it from you.  I told them "its been a part of her for a long time now, and she never asked me to take it."  He then shows me the large mole on his arm.  "Doctor friends for years have told me they would remove it for me.  Why I say?  Its part of who I am and I like it just fine."  

I like Dr. Bouton.  His Texan accent matches his Texas sized personality.  He dispenses his medical knowledge cheerfully, with lots of wisdom and lots of authority as well.  

He puts a light dressing back on over my sutures and glue, then tells me how to care for them and my drain and says "you're doing well enough to go home."  

By noon, we are released.  I marvel at modern medicine.  

The boys go to the lake with Grandpa and Grandma.

I rest in my own bed.  Moving is a challenge as I discover the absence of muscle in my chest wall and a dull aching soreness that kicks in when I've pushed too far.  I re-learn using my left side, awkwardly.

We fill the narcotic pain med prescription that requires a special note from the doctor.  The bottle sits full on the counter.  I am getting by on Tylenol, but I have back up just in case.  

I fall asleep early, fully dressed, on top of the covers.  At 3 am I awake.  The dull ache has set in again, sore, but not so much painful. I run my hands down the new landscape of my shape.  One long, flat, surface where curves once prevailed.  Its like getting a tooth pulled, and your tongue goes to that empty hole over and over again, until the hole is old news and becomes just another part of you.  I get up and look  at my concave chest...

I am broken.

But...

I am reminded of Sara's words from a week ago Friday, on the topic of "whole."  She wrote ...

"It took a long time for me to sort through all of the noise and clutter of it all to realize that I am whole."

"I am in pain, sick, frail, homebound, bedbound, without great possibility or potential in my future."

"In all of that, I am whole. I am complete. I am exactly what God made me to be in the exact time He created me to be it."  

I have printed her words out and have them close to me.  I am broken, but in that brokenness, I am perfectly "whole."  They can burn, and now slash, the diseased part of me, but I remain whole.  

I hear the hum of the crickets through the open window.  They lull me back to a peaceful and deep sleep.

Surgery update...

What a cool and fun group of people to hang out with yesterday!  The Dakota Medical Foundation and Lend-A-Hand sponsored Day of events were simply outstanding!  Rick and I have relived the many fun moments today and just continue to be ridiculously overwhelmed.  I am convinced, all of you who are supporting us, are difference makers, and have so hugely impacted us in the most thoughtful and generous ways.  Its truly difficult to express the depth of our gratitude.

But your dedication shows in my family.  You've lifted our burden, boosted our spirits and walked with us through this.  And on this big day of surgery, your prayers have provided nourishment and sustenance, anchoring and grounding us yet again.  This whole thing is so much bigger than me, and God's blessings have flowed in ways that are beyond praiseworthy.  By late this afternoon I have eaten supper, taken a walk, and am sitting up writing this on my own.  I am certainly sore, but am managing the pain, and otherwise have done really well.  The staff here at Sanford have taken such good care of me today, Dr. Bouton, and my nurse Bernie, were just outstanding.

I'm convinced its all the goodwill and prayers still flowing through me.  I am still buzzing with the positive energy you all gave me these past few days.  I have felt comforted and very much loved and am resting in God's hands.

its going to be a long journey- some of the news today from my scans was a mixed blessing and I hope to have some clarification and more organized details to share with you next week.   For now, just know I am in a good place, resting, and counting my gifts.  Love to you all!

All prayers welcome today...

At 6:10 am Rick and I will leave for the hospital.  I am scheduled for surgery at 10:50 am.  I am writing this before I go to bed after a completely fabulous day filled with the very most thoughtful and generous people you could ever wish to know.  I'll share more about the benefit when I am uh, more fit :)  Will try to post an update soon.  I have been richly blessed with all of you.  Your prayers and support continue to nourish and sustain me.  I am so grateful.  Love and blessings to you all!

Where to find me today...

I'll be heading out here today for the Golf Benefit! I'm fighting off some sleepy meds they gave me yesterday when I had a bad reaction to the dye for the CT scan- holy tachycardia- be still my heart- seriously!  Once they reversed the reaction I came home and slept most of the night away.  I feel fairly good today and will try not to overdue it...

Don't forget if you aren't a golfer but still want to participate, there will be a silent auction and a social tonight at Gio's.  Chris Vandevelde just offered us an autographed stick for the event... just sayin, some really cool stuff has been donated for the auction!  So proud of my hockey community once again, we'll be indebted to all they continue to do for us forever.

Also, waiting to hear on time for surgery tomorrow.  Won't know till later today and will post something late tonight/ early tomorrow so you will know.  Prayers will be very much appreciated!   Love to all!

"Soul Patch..."

It isn't often that a gift lands in your lap that is so nearly perfect you didn't know that piece of you was missing until just at the moment it squares up in your lap.  You see, along with those Twins tickets we received a few weeks back?  Was a set of keys... to a cabin... on a lake.  But not just any lake, it happens to be the very lake, (out of 10,000 lakes in Minnesota) that I spent a good portion of my childhood at.

In fact, Rick and his family camped at the same campground that we did, even though we didn't know each other then.  Laying eyes on this lake?  Felt like coming home, like all the way, completely home.  For over 20 years, I spent summers at the lake with my family in and around the Detroit Lakes area.

When I was really young, we started out in a pop up camper and rented a weekend spot at Lost Valley Resort, for the summer.  For vacation, my dad would take a week off from work and we would spend all week at the lake.  I was in heaven.  It didn't matter to me that we used an "outhouse,"  I could pinch my nose closed and hoist my nightgown all in one swift move... Laura Ingalls had nothing on me.

Oh the things that stay with us.  Like trips to the resort store for maple nut ice cream, and jolly ranchers for a penny.  The distinct smell of hotdogs and s'mores made over the fire.  The way a sunburn stings and how my mom would let us cool it off in the lake late at night sometimes under the glow of the moon.  I can still hear the laughter of my cousins who camped nearby, and the roll of the Yahtzee dice as they clacked against the picnic tables.

Its abundantly clear, I have and will always be a water-loving, lake-swimming, sand-digging, rock-skipping, sun-worshipping, boat-riding, summer girl at heart- who has longed for a week at the beach.  We've been spoiled with Rick's parents lake up by Park Rapids, but we never have much time to spend.  By the time we start to unwind and relax, its time to go home.

So I decided to ask for help in making something happen for us this summer.   Maybe in our network of friends someone would know of a place we could rent ?  Less than 24 hours later we had an offer that took our breath away.

So we've become a lake family, in a whole new way.  We have packed a few things and jumped in the car and in 40 minutes or so we feel like we are lightyears away from home.  The cabin is cozy and has every amenity-you wouldn't need to leave it, but then the loons call from the lake and you can't help but go out and explore.

I don't know how to begin to say thank you to our friends.  To first of all have the generous and giving spirit to turn over their lake home to us, but also to trust us with something so special to them, is very humbling for us.

AnnVoskamp mentions her "soul holes," in her book "One Thousand Gifts."  Cancer may be my soul hole, but I feel so "alive" and am busy filling my gratitude journal with oodles of new gifts through my lake-filled eyes.  It indeed has been the patch to any hole in my soul.

Tee'd off @ Cancer!

Next week is a huge week for the Westra Family.  Dakota Medical Foundation (DMF) and Lend A Hand organization has partnered with The Vicky Westra Benefit committee to host another fundraiser.  Any funds that are raised will be matched by DMF, up to 5,000 dollars!  I'm so honored to be chosen by DMF- there are many worthy and deserving people and to be included as one of them is truly an honor.  If you'd like to participate just click on the link on the form on the right and either mail it or email it to the address above on the form.

Recently some additional events were added to the line-up for the day.

• Kids are welcome to participate in the morning (8 am) with a paying adult 
• Lunch will be served from 11:30 -12:30pm 
• 1:00 pm tee off time for all adult participants
• Thursday night there will be a social starting at 6:30 pm at Gio's in Moorhead 
• silent auction from 7-9 
• karaoke to finish out the night!  

Wow, it'll be a full day of events and activities... enough to keep a girl's mind occupied the way it should be the day before she has surgery!  I'm going to try to attend as much as possible... you can't miss me, I'll be the one shaking in her shoes, waiting for the call that says what time her surgery is... whew... hello courage, please visit soon!

Next week is shaping up to be quite eventful.  I have Monday and Tuesday to get our back to school shopping completed and Colton has to have a cavity filled.  Then  I have a full load of tests to be done on Wednesday, Tee'd Off Golf event Thursday, mastectomy Friday, and by then I'm so going to need that recovery room!

Cleansing

Both my mind and body have been caught up in the turbulence of life this past week.  I waiver between feeling like I want to heave to fighting off the fogginess of nausea meds... both leave me feeling less than...

Last Tuesday we met with the financial counselor... after a long day of chemo, I was unprepared for the stormy conditions she would unleash.  I could see copious notes she had taken.  I began to fade out when the words "restricted policy," were spoken.  As much as you know this is coming... you somehow want to duck before it makes final impact.  Tuesday there was no place left to duck.

(We don't dispute the numbers.  Our morals don't allow us to not pay what we owe.  But what we can't clearly see yet, is how we will be able to pay our long term debt with the criteria being set at this time by the hospital.)

I snapped back to present day when she bleakly stated, "Well, you could always cut back on treatment..."  I blinked as anger surfaced, momentarily.  Was she joking?  Did she mean to say that?  My stomach lurched as I tried to fathom her intention.  Am I to question the kinds and amounts of tests and labs the doctor wants to run?  When a scan is the only thing that determines where the cancer is, how do you just say no?  We sat in stunned silence, but there wasn't much to be said after that.  And...

She is not the enemy.  My anger simmered and eventually melded into distant compassion.  What must her days be like?  Stuck in a tiny box of an office, cramped in a small corner of the cancer clinic, delivering sobering news daily.  I decided I don't have anymore fight in me, to fight against her... besides, she is not the enemy.  I'm on empty the rest of the week...

This weekend I set out to be reminded of all that we still have.  We drove up to Grand Rapids, Minnesota to pick up our baseball yearbooks that Rick designed and had printed.  We dropped the kids off in Park Rapids with Grandpa and Grandma and Rick and I were alone for a few hours.  We found a spot by Lake Pokegama and I sat, letting the water wash away all of the yuck so heavily clinging to me.  Wave after wave crashes over me as I sit and feel the refreshing coolness.  The water is clean, clear and smells of the earth.   It grounds me... absolves me... washes me with grace.

I start to name my gratitude for the day...

• I can still bear the sun in short doses.  
• I have energy to walk all the way down to the shore.   
• I have tan skin causing a healthy glow.
• I am more than a big fat number written on some hospital account
• God is bigger than all of this- the mess, the yuck, the burden, the cancer...
• And I still see my future.  

We stopped in Walker to see Chase on the Lake.  I haven't seen the resort in years and it has definitely changed and grown.