What catches you?

“Sometimes you fall, spinning through space, grasping for the things that keep you on this earth. Sometimes you catch them. They can be the hands of the people you love. They can be your pets- pups with funny names, cats with ferocious old souls. The thing that keeps you here can be your art. It can be things you have collected and invested with a certain sense of meaning. A flowered, buckled treasure chest of secrets. Shoes that make you taller and, therefore, closer to the heavens. A suit that belonged to your fairy godmother. A dress that makes you feel a little like the Goddess herself.

Sometimes you keep falling; you don’t catch anything.

Sometimes you fall, spinning through space, grasping for the things that keep you here. Sometimes you catch them. Sometimes you don’t.

Sometimes they catch you.”

—	From Necklace of Kisses by Francesca Lia Block Falling...

Nolan's coach asks if I'll be going this weekend for Nolan's hockey tournament in the cities and I can only stand and try to think.  Its a full week away when he asks and at first I try to count days.  Then I try to think of what the date will be.  But as my head slowly tries to formulate words, I know I am drowning in that very moment. I'm falling... I honestly have to tell him I don't know if I'll be going or not.. but what I can't explain... is that I don't know because I can't even begin to think past the moment I'm in.

The cold from the arena causes my legs to ache in a dull throb. The lights are too bright, the noise too loud, and the cold penetrates to my bones more quickly these days.  I feel stripped of my ability to shelter myself from any of it and it all seeps in.  My battle isn't cancer right now, I'm battling just to be present in my moments.  

It takes all of my focus, all of my concentration to travel to and then watch a game of hockey.  The play is quick, the puck is small, and I fight just to be able to follow it.

I crash when we get home. For hours I sleep. But somehow, even sleep isn't enough to refuel me, refresh me. 


Its worth it, however.  

I see their level of effort.  How his teammates fight for position.  They battle for the puck.  They are relentless.  Ceaseless in their quest to dominate the ice. And when one of them falls?  The other is there to help him up.  They catch each other and I watch.  Watching them catches me.


Nolan dreams of playing for this college, in this arena, one day.  And all I have to offer him is all of me I can muster, this day, right now.  Watching him.  Seeing him. All of him.  

   

Hoping, just like him, he will be there one day, and so will I.  

***************************


I've finished round one of Xeloda!  Fatigue has plagued me this week, but I am hoping to shake the cobwebs off soon as I enjoy a blissful 7 days off.  

So what else catches me?  

When I hear a knock at the door and find two wide-eyed smiling little girls at the door.  And my friend's daughter hands me a fabric pink bag she has adorned with springy and cute art with fabric paint and filled with her favorite things.  

Her smile stretches on for miles, and her giggles bowl me over with fits of my own.  

Oh she catches me alright.  

Along with the cards that come and lift me with heartfelt words... and sometimes... a check, a gift card or some object... a catching object.  

And suddenly, falling, doesn't feel so bad.  


What do you catch?  What catches you?

... the way to fly

“Don’t believe what your eyes are telling you. All they show is limitation...

... Look with your understanding. Find out what you already know and you will see the way to fly.” 

                                                      

― Richard Bach, Jonathan Livingston Seagull

“You have the freedom to be yourself, your true self, here and now, and nothing can stand in your way".” 

― Richard Bach, Jonathan Livingston Seagull

He was not bone and feather but a perfect idea of freedom and flight, limited by nothing at all” 

― Richard Bach, Jonathan Livingston Seagull

Spring so far...

Springy huh? 

11 inches of fresh snow fell between Sunday and Monday!  I awoke this morning snow falling again and I am just beyond tired of it as most of us who live here are.  While the rest of the world plants flowers and decorates for spring, the only thing with "green" that would be appropriate around here may be putting up the Christmas tree.  

I am hanging in there with my new lower dose of Xeloda.  I still struggle with nausea and a bloated and distended stomach which I've heard is common.  Fatigue has crept in as well.  Most days I am in bed by late afternoon, early evening.  

But I am at dose 8 out of 14- I am over half way there and if it doesn't build up any more than this, I think I can do this. We'll see when or if the cracking of the skin on the hands and feet begins and go from there.  But I remain encouraged.

My brother came to visit last week.  I am so grateful.  He has actively helped me, help my mother.  We are in the midst of making sure we are taking the very best care of her that we can, and trying to have a plan in place for if or when she may need more help.  

We also had Family Fun Night at Colton's school, and I yielded to sprite and my pillow that night.  But Saturday night we had Nolan's hockey party and I wouldn't miss that for anything.

So I am learning to give in at times and rest, while pushing through at other times and finding I can manage somewhat.  

I have a few more vacation photos.  Jim, Rick, the boys and I spent a cool afternoon at The Aquarium and Broadway at the Beach, in Myrtle Beach.  For everyone who has so generously given to us so we could enjoy our vacation- I assure you we all did- and these are some of the things we did with the boys. 

I took a short video shortly after we first arrived at the beach.  The shouts of excitement are from Colton.  The waves are chasing him and he is trying to outrun them.  The sound of unadulterated joy in his voice is priceless to me.  

Sanctity...

“This is my secret," he said. "I don't mind what happens.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

I arrive early for my appointment with Dr. Panwalkar.  I sit with my gratitude journal, filling in line after line.  At 15 minutes past my appt. time I start to wonder.  My friend Carrie assures me my pager is working.  Dr. P is never late.  He never leaves me waiting.  I grab my phone and start going through my vacation photos.

5 minutes later we all hear it.  An announcement.  Reality crashes my mental trip back to the beach.

Code blue to exam room 7.  Code blue.

Then again a few minutes later.

A flurry of activity ensues.

A lab person goes carrying a big red tray of supplies.  Other techs go scurrying past.  Patients sit wide-eyed.  Quietly taking it all in.

My photos beckon me back.  Back to the ocean, the sand, the blue, the serene.  

Another 10 minutes go by.

Its warm in South Carolina.  Not hot.  If I lay flat, the wind rides past me and I bury my legs into the heat filled sand.  I attempt to wade into the waves, but after mere minutes, the water numbs my legs and I scurry to get out. 

I'm startled when suddenly my pager goes off.  I greet the nurse and she takes me back. She asks me all the questions, I answer and then she hesitates.  

"Dr. Panwalkar had an emergency this morning.  He went to the ER with his patient.  He will still come to see you.  Can I get you a snack?  Something to drink?  It could be awhile."

I assure her I'm fine, because, I really am.

Not more than 5 minutes later, I'm surprised to look up and see Dr. P.  He apologizes instantly.  I tell him I completely understand.  "Rough morning," I say and he nods.  Then, the consummate professional he is, he immediately asks how I am.

He tells me we will cut my dosage by 30 percent which will be equal to 2 pills morning and evening, instead of 3.  

He then tosses the gown aside and has me hop up on the exam table.  He deftly examines me head to toe.  

I have a little surprise in store for him.

When he goes to find the lump that started this whole new cancer adventure, he discovers it is next to nothing in size.  Just 6 doses I tell him.  He now smiles big.  

I marvel at how he goes from a "rough" morning, to being completely in a grin--worthy moment with me.

He wraps things up conveying to me we will work to find the right dosage to make it manageable.  "I think this is going to be great for you!" He says enthusiastically and then grabs my hand.

He walks me to infusion, and then rests his hand on my shoulder- see you in 3 weeks he says.

Infusion is full.  I wait another 20 minutes.  They finally come to get me and tell me I am in the overflow room today.  Its in another wing, in a corner room that is clearly a makeshift room.  There are no magazines, no tv- just a chair wedged awkwardly in the middle next to the pole.

The nurse again, is apologetic.  But it doesn't phase me.  

 I'm still emerging from the sanctity of the beach.  My body longs to dive down to the ocean depths of the clear sandy bottom, while my lungs fight for air.  I feel myself break the surface of the water, blinking into the light- fully cleansed, and steeling myself for my full return back into cancer world. 

home...

I ask him what his favorite memory of the trip is?  The beach?  The condo?  Riding with Grandpa Jim? Nope, Colton shakes his head emphatically.  

Well, I ask, what is it then?  

Coming home!! He says with a silly grin.  My bed!  My own room again! 

He then proceeds to say "and playing with my cousins, finding shells, seeing dolphins right out of our room, everything- pretty much its all my favorite. "

I couldn't agree more.  

I surprised myself by only taking a few hundred photos- um, for me that isn't a lot.  

But as I looked through them, I saw that they truly capture the essence of our time together and over the next few days, I will share more.  

I see Dr. Panwalkar this morning and then will have infusion.  

Driving

Out of the past 9 days, we've traveled some far distances in the car 6 of those days. So when Nolan leans over today, squeezes my hand and says " Is it okay that even though I've had fun, I miss being home?"  I completely get him.  The fact that he even grabs my hand makes me melt a little and I quickly add it to my favorite trip moments list.  It's a ginormous list, unwieldy, saturated. And every time I think it can't possibly contain one more thing- boom- the next great moment arrives.

We have two full days of driving left. The photos, the stories, the adventures are all coming- soon- very soon.  Until then, know I am well, rested, over-fed and running extremely high on joy.

Love to you all~

We're going...

                                                                           Source: indulgy.com viaVicky on Pinterest

I'm finding that when I truly embrace the moment I am in, it isn't always filled with happy.  Or calm.  Or easy.  In fact, it downright stinks at times.  

But I have also discovered, sometimes, oftentimes, by embracing all that the moments have to offer, the unexpected asserts itself.  The thing you couldn't have named, asked for, or dreamt of- comes hurtling your way.  

I had hoped for some symptom relief yesterday.  When I called Andrea, she alluded to some prescriptions or skipping a dose perhaps.  So, I prayed for a new prescription, or a lowered dosage maybe.   I waited for a return call from the nurse, all day yesterday.  I was miserable.  Time was ticking away- and soon I'd be faced with taking my next dose.

If my cancer needs to be knocked back, I have to continue on somehow.  My human brain can't see inside to know exactly what I need.  I prayed for a nudge from God.

You all kept me company with your encouragement. 

Each word.

Every prayer.

Planted the idea that something would change- somehow I'd know.

Hours later... I got up to let Crosby outside.  I sat with him, coaxing and begging him to just try a few bites of food.  And he finally allowed me to place some in his mouth.  And then he took a few more.  Then, he lazily went over to his water dish and lapped up water.  He drank to his fill.

Crosby sensed something.

My stomach still churned and we were back lying down in short order.

We waited.  

It was almost 4 when the phone rang.  

Andrea repeated Dr. Panwalkar's instructions to me.  He said to STOP taking the Xeloda.  To go ahead with whatever meds I needed to calm my stomach.  To come in and get fluids if I needed at the infusion center.  To call back in the morning if I wasn't feeling somewhat better.

And to have a nice trip.

So I then ask, but do I start back on the Xeloda, Wednesday?  Or Thursday?  

No, she says, you don't need to start back on it until AFTER your trip.  Just go and enjoy it. 

Dr P. will see you the day after you get back and then we will figure out a reduced dose for you.  

The nudge... 

 Its relief and I fully feel it.  It feels like pure gift.  

My stomach churns and roils all night long and I don't even care.  

I feel His tender mercies... in this holy week... 

We're going... soon... we're going.