Friday, May 16, 2014

all things...



 "And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive."  Matthew 21:22


I was breathless with anticipation when I arrived at Roger Maris early Monday morning.

I am calm, and totally freaking out all at once.  

Its at the reception desk I am greeted with the gift of the pink bag.  I am told its a gift from a survivor who wanted to offer some hope and encouragement.  

I'm struck by kindness, and also so nervous about my appointment with Dr. Foster, that I can't even stop to look inside just yet.

But its then that I see my friend Heather, the Radiation Charge Nurse, nearing my side.  "I have a meeting the same time as your appointment so I wanted to give this to you right away."  She is handing me a card with my name on it.  Its her hug that steels me.  I feel the love and allow it to propel me forward into a waiting room chair.

Just then my pager goes off and its already time to see Dr. Foster. 

My heart rate is steady and slow, belying the anxiety that courses through my being.  Lopressor is doing it's job.

Its not long and Dr. Foster arrives.   He spends some time catching up with me and then steps out so I can put a gown on and prepare for an exam.

We talk about my wound, about the proposed surgery and my upcoming appointment with Dr. Antoniuk.  He is in agreement that something should be done to help heal the wound.  

He steps out briefly as I dress, and returns to talk about my scans.

But he catches me off guard a bit- bringing up my lung scans from January, first.  He hones in on the three new lesions appearing in differing places in my lungs.  One is near my heart, and the other two are nearing my chest wall.  He is wondering what the course of treatment is planned for these metastases?  

I stammer a bit, trying to go back in my mind to what Dr. Panwalkar and I discussed in January.  Its then that I remember being told about the mets on my ovaries and recall I was so stuck on that topic, I didn't ask about too much else.

I simply recall Dr. Panwalkar being very encouraging about the Arimidex I was taking, working, and either those lung tumors would shrink or be held stable. 

So Dr. Foster listens, and then suggests that targeted radiation to those lung mets might be a good course of action again.  It worked on my lungs this fall, and I haven't developed any lung disease, so zapping those spots might be the best course of treatment. It would be a full week of 1 1/2 hours a day. An aggressive treatment this time.

I think he has a very valid viewpoint.  I just needed to be sure that surgery was factored into that plan as well.

So he suggests waiting to scan in two months, and then we can determine the best course of treatment for my lungs after the proposed surgery. 

Its finally time to address my brain.  He brings up the images and shows me the treated spots look stable, which is good.  I am definitely smiling at this news.

He then goes on to say that the radiologist has mentioned something else, three teeny-tiny spots- "punctuates," he calls them- the size of small dot made by the tip of a pen.

So Dr. Foster went ahead and looked for comparison on the scan I had 6 months ago, and low and behold, those dots were there then too- just appearing in a bit of a different view point.   

I asked him, if that first radiologist had made any mention of those spots? He had not.  

So...Dr. Foster thinks my brain is stable.  Who knows what those spots are?  We'll watch and see, but I won't need another scan of my brain for 6 months. I exhale for the first time- completely emptying- readying- to fill again.



Its later that day that I look inside the bag.  It was gifted by a woman named Teresa who is a 15 year survivor of melanoma.  She had been given a 1 percent chance of making it past 6 months and through the power of prayer and belief, she says "Anything is possible."

Amen, Teresa.  So thankful for special people like you, who pay it forward in this way.  It truly touched me!  The beautiful card had the Matthew bible verse in it as well. All of the goodies are perfect for someone going through infusions and chemo.

And then I read the card from my sweet friend Heather and the last of my composure was gone.  Thank you friend- so honored.  Amongst her beautiful words, is money to purchase flowers for the front of my house!  


I am so emotionally spent- I slept the rest of the afternoon away.




On Tuesday I arrived for infusion.  As I sat waiting for my nurse to arrive, I watched the feed play across the computer screen in my infusion room.

And look who popped up?  Dr. Panwalkar.  And then my clearly functioning brain-happened to quickly notice his first name is misspelled- there is no "r" in it.   But there he goes- making me laugh like always. And I can his hearty laugh each time I see it.


Still, just as his picture starts to fade...




Look who next appears?  Dr. Foster.  



It was like a tailer-made- feed, just for me. What are the chances both of your amazing cancer doctors are portrayed together, on the very day you have infusion?  

Someone is clearly watching over me.  


Thank you for your patience in letting me process everything and write! 

I have something pretty special to share with you all next week… 






41 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. So glad you see it the same way I do!

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  2. Seems to me that an attitude such as yours could heal the world ... and so surely will heal you ... especially when you include the competence and compassion you receive from the professionals that surround you.

    Have a great weekend with your wonderful family, dear Vicky.

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    1. Ahhh- one can truly hope for just that Bonnie. We had a lovely weekend with wonderful weather finally- hope you did as well!

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  3. Nothing is impossible for God!!! Stay in faith and keep believing, sweet friend!!! Have a wonderful weekend!

    Love and hugs always, Eileen

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    1. Love and hugs to you Eileen- the warm weather finally arrived for a bit and we sure enjoyed it!

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  4. In tears at Caribou reading your beautifully written words capturing the heartfelt moments. Prayers to you Vicky. Anything IS possible and we will all keep praying for little & big miracles each and every day for you.

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    1. So thankful for those prayers Cheri- I am so convinced they DO work miracles in and around me always and I am in awe of all of it!

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  5. Oh Oh..I am doing a Happy Dance... :) I like when everything is in a hold pattern...It's like..ummm the Lord is saying, "I gave you this to test you, to see what you are made off, to throw your life upside down and into the uncertain wind...and thru you others will learn and be touched...but I know the plans I have for you... ! that is good news! Your body seem's to respond well to all the treatment options you have had. (the side affects are no fun) but it seems to keep those nasty cancer cells in there place! Oh, I am so thrilled this went well! Many continued prayers and much love...to you Beautiful Vicky!

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    1. I have been sooooo fortunate Peggy- for so many treatments to have helped me- so true! Thank you for those continued prayers- and much love back to beautiful you!

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  6. Hi Vicki, I LOVE that ANYTHING is possible with God!!! Praying with you always!! (((HUGS)))

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    1. Anything! So true- and so thankful to you for your continual prayers and support! Hugs back to you sweet friend~

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  7. i was getting antsy, waiting to hear about your results. what a week you've had! i'm glad you gave yourself the time to process--that's WAY more important than reporting here. THANKFUL for the results, and for all the ways you were given gifts this week that demonstrated what you already know--He IS watchin' over you. LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU!!

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    1. I know- the waiting is hard- and wanting to re-tell it in the most accurate way possible takes me awhile to get it all out. So glad for your patience with me! He is watching- over me and over YOU- always. LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU right back!!

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    2. And there was a something special in our mailbox we discovered while we were gone! Pictures will be forthcoming soon- but still wanted to say thank you here and now!!

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  8. Oh my dear friend,
    I didn't realize how breathless and prayerful I've been... waiting for your results. Reading this post, I am fully taking a deep and trusting-in-Him breath. I am so glad you waited until
    you had processed all of this before sharing it here. Prayers are being answered...for three more weeks and months and forever.

    Can I just say that the word "stable" has never, ever sounded so good to my ears. And the words,"not another brain scan for six months" make my heart sing, just as if I was hearing the chorus of Jesus Love Me! And more prayers are bring answered.

    I wish we had snapshots of the faces of all of your prayer warriors as, in reading this post, they come to that word and that phrase.
    Grinning ear-to-ear... we are!
    Celebrating with you, all over the world... we are!
    Continuing to pray unceasingly...we are!

    Can you feel the rejoicing, dear Vicky?
    Love you to the moon and back, my sweet friend!
    Linda

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    1. Beautiful, Linda. So true, every word! We are rejoicing, Vicky! Those are very big words: stable, no change, no scan for six more months - VERY big words. And a card from someone who beat every one of the odds. PERFECT!! Looking forward to your announcement next week! Love you!

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    2. Linda- I have read, and then re-read this reply from you. So beautiful! You are so gifted with your words! They touch and move me so. And then to see my equally gifted friend, Robynn, reply to you, is truly double the love!

      Love you both- to the moon and all the way back!

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  9. Linda, May I say...you write in such a beautiful way...

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    1. Oh, thank you sweet Peggy Sue for your kind words. I always say a small prayer and then write. Thank you to you and Robynn for your encouragement. And I would say
      exactly the same about both of you, and of course our dear Vicky.

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  10. "Stable" is a beautiful word. Amen.. and Amen again.

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    1. It is- I will take it over and over again!

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  11. Sending love, prayers and a virtual hug. God bless you and strengthen you daily!

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    1. Sending a virtual hug right back! Hope your travels remain smooth and your time spent with family and friends is wonderful!

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  12. Sending you love and hugs and strength and belief all surrounded by the light of love. The love that radiates from you, beautiful friend. xo

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    1. Sweet friend- thinking of you so and sending those hugs, the love, strength and belief right back to you! xxoo

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  13. Thankful that you can breathe out and back in without the catch of worry or the fear of the results of your tests. Stable sounds wonderful! Praise amazing grace as well as sweet friends who remember you at the best times.

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    1. Thankful for you grace-filled words to me Jenny- they bring such light to me and I am so blessed by them. Hugs to you!

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  14. You are blessed with so much love in your life. I am often in awe of your loving spirit. Wishing you joy :-)

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    1. You are too kind Denise- I feel so much love from all of you- and my friends/family here and in my life- I am one blessed woman. Thank you!

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  15. The goodness you give comes back to you, Dear Vicky.
    And when it does, my faith grows another size.

    Stable sounds like a wonderful word. So do relief, sleep, and love.
    Enjoy your new flowers and watch the grow!

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    1. Ohhh- those words. Wow… so beautifully said and touches me so.Thank you sweet friend!

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  16. I am relieved to hear that your brain is stable! Sounds like there is a good plan for addressing your wound and lung mets as well. I will add that to my prayers! Take care, dear Vicky!!!

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    1. Steph- you are so thoughtful! Those prayers sustain me so and I truly believe they help keep me going- so grateful! Hugs friend!

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  17. Read all the comments, and I amen them! So many prayers are covering you. And what about the Gift from Teresa. Wow. Wow. Wow. A gift bag full of love.

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    1. Julie- yes, I agree, a big Amen. Thankful for you showing up here with your encouraging words always!

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  18. Dear Vicky, I've just come through another whirlwind weekend and am ending my night with your words, and it's a good way to end the day. And I'm thrilled about those spots, and optimistic with you that you may well be just like Teresa, crushing the odds. I'm counting on it. We still have Carmel visits to make, and photos to take! Hugs to you, and I hope coffee soon!

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    1. Roxane- me too! It gets so crazy this time of year. I will email soon about coffee and see what you may have open :) Hugs friend- soon!

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  19. Hi Vicky, I've been out of the loop for a while, but I'm checking up on your blog. Even if I don't comment, I still think about you often. Oh gosh, good luck on all your upcoming treatments. You are so strong and so patient. I'm with you my friend.

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    1. Thank you Lisa- I know you have so much going on right now and please know I understand when you are not here or on your blog!! Thanks for always being with me!

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