Thursday, May 23, 2013

When it gushes

Joining Heather today at The Extraordinary Ordinary for the 86th installment of Just Write:  

As usual this comes from a vulnerable place, but please know I am well.  This is merely a snippet of a few hard moments in an overall day of healing and rest...  

Just Write...

Its after his bedtime when the sump pump goes out.  Its Colton who figures it out.  Its nearly 10 o'clock and he gets up telling us how the whir-whir sound downstairs doesn't ever stop- the rhythmic gush and release just goes on and on and how can one sleep when there is no end to the gush?

Because its true, and he's right, we're gushing these days and no end is in sight.  

Its Superman who goes downstairs and manually releases the pump to expel the water, turning it on and off, throughout the darkest hours of the night.  

We drift in and out of sleep, our ears listening for the faintest signal that a deluge is coming and we won't be able to bail fast enough. 

Its early when I am jolted from sleep by a frantic Colton who has his first day of school patrol.  Nausea washes over me and a slow steady throb erupts in my head.  

 Superman is leaving for out of town, and the plumber is coming and where is the coat, and oh yes, we need money for school lunch because... we have no pepper-jack cheese.  

And then the deluge can't be held back any longer- tears stream as newly turned 11-year-old collapses and sobs. And I can't bail fast enough.  My own tears washing over my pale cheeks and hollow eyes, weary and tired. 

Where is courage?  Where is brave?  Where is strong?  

Gushing and rushing out everywhere.  

All of me.

Flattening me, next to my bed.  Pouring out, pooling around me.  Until I am at the end of myself.  

And I leave it.

All of me.

With all of Him.

I am merely breath.

Its then that I sleep, we sleep, surrendered, spent... 












32 comments:

  1. Vicky...
    Your writing is raw, from your essence and it pierces straight through me to mine. I found myself holding my breath as I read, knowing the deluge was coming. What I didn't see coming was you leaving all of you with all of Him. Sigh.
    Your essence and His are becoming so united, I hear Him through you-I'm listening...we're listening dear one. Keep writing. xo love you so.

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    1. I'm sitting here agreeing with Robin. Hugging you from my chair.

      Please keep writing. We're seeing glimpses of Him. His amazing grace.

      All my love.

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    2. Robin~ I've been in such turmoil~ a storm of emotion and the sense that I am being taught something that I haven't had clarity about yet. Thank you for the gift of affirmation that I just need to stay the course~ love you sweet one

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    3. Julie~ thank you friend~ feeling your hugs. The words come "through" me I feel, at times, and I am merely the instrument. All my love to you sweet one~

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    4. Who can say it better than Robin. I am crying reading your post because I KNOW you must have these moments and that you're willing to share them makes you real - like the Velveteen Rabbit with its fur rubbed off. My heart aches for the weariness and nausea and all the things that make daily life so overwhelming all at the same time. Sometimes, it's like walking through mud...every step a terrible effort. Your writing, Vicky....oh your writing - so rich, so gifted, so laid wide open we can see your very heart beating. We all hope with you and we all cry with you. Thank you for sharing this with the world.

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  2. Vicky,
    You are such a gifted writer and your words continue to touch me profoundly. Those boys of yours are so darn lucky to have you for their mom!
    Hugs,
    Stephanie

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    1. Hugs right back to you Stephanie- your grace-filled words left me with a smile today- thank you!

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  3. I hesitate to say this is beautiful because I can feel the pain in it. But it's also beautiful in its honesty. I never have the words to write, because what I want is to hug you and then sit with you and just talk and talk.

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    1. I think we could both talk for hours, and also not have to say a single word and still we'd just know right where the other one was.

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  4. Vicky, You have a gift with words and they never fail to touch me deeply. Letting the deluge come is so cleansing for the soul. This is what He wants us to do. Place it all in His hands. Send you love and hugs dear friend.

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    1. Eileen- so true- all with Him. I think sometimes I feel like its with Him, but then I discover that I'm burdened with all that I am truly carrying again and have to let go all over again.

      Love and hugs to you dear one~

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  5. Vicky... who else can write so beautifully about a sump pump??? You are gifted. And you are in my prayers. Hope you feel well this weekend.

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    1. Ha- yes- the good ole sump pump - best metaphor ever. I am feeling well- thank you and I hope that YOU have a great weekend too!

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  6. Vicky, I loved this - I so get it and I can see you, I can in and through it all.

    Love to you!!!
    xoxo

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    1. Thanks Tiffany- so good to see your sweet smiling face here :) I pray all is well with you!

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  7. Dearest Vicky,
    While your post represents a few very raw moments, and we know you are OK, we are so honored to have you be real with us. As I read your precious words, I was so reminded of Jesus in the garden, wrestling with God asking if this cup could be taken from Him. He must have felt overwhelmed, even though He trusted His Father.

    And you, dear Vicky, do this very difficult journey with such grace. Yet as the wife of someone who has battled cancer, a sump pump, or some other overwhelm, can just for that moment signal how out of control we really are. It is symbolic of our deepest fears. In moments like that I am reminded of this quote:
    "Don't tell God how big the storm is, tell the storm how big God is."

    We are wrapping you and your precious husband and sons in a blanket of prayers. We are asking the Lord Almighty to give you peace and strength...for every inch of this journey.

    And we will NOT stop praying!!
    God Bless!
    Love Linda

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    1. Linda~ oh how your words speak to me. So true~ all of what you say~ so wise and I am so thankful for your insight and ability to share. Thank you! The prayers have been a constant source of strength and reassurance to me and my family~ Blessings and love to you and yours~

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  8. As long as you don't forget to breathe during the deluges, we won't forget to pray and send good thoughts.

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    1. Its a deal :) Sometimes it seems its all I can do~ but then I am grateful for even that.

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  9. Very powerful and honest post Vicky.
    My heart is aching for you.
    Just not the kind of things you need right now.
    11 year olds are still babies and Mommies just have to keep reassuring them that's it's ok.
    Today will be ok and tomorrow is another day.Has to get better.
    xoxoxoxoxo

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    1. True Vic- very true. Whatever this "storm" seems to be~ I know it will pass and peace will descend- fully descend once again. xxoo- love and blessings to you dear friend

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  10. Sitting with you in my heart ...

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    1. Thankful to be just there- as you are often in mine-

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  11. Piercing my hear with your words, I wish I could hug you and be closer even if I know there would be little I could do. I had to keep reading your sentence telling us you are well. Sending you love sweet friend and keeping praying for you xo

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    1. I am friend- doing fine- I promise :) Some emotionally exhausting moments in the mix of otherwise doing just fine. You already do so much Anyes- just by always showing up here- that truly speaks volumes to me :)

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  12. To suffer is to feel life deeply and with a acute awareness. You are doing that Vicky. I just pray that it will subside soon. We all have our limits. God knows you have reached the end of yours and need a reprieve. I will pray for this, knowing that you are so equipped to hold Him by the hand and follow...and love and live.

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    1. So insightful and wise~ it truly does feel that way~ and I just keep pouring it out when it rises and swells within. Thanks for the specific prayers- they do my heart so good- as do you friend.

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  13. Love you. Love your beautiful heartfelt writing and I wish I could make it all better. And Linda says it in the wonderful comment of hers, none of us will stop praying for you and your boys. Better days will come but sometimes it all seems way too much to bear. And you my girl have done an outstanding job with everything life has thrown at you. Xxx

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    1. Lilly- you instantly bring a smile to my face when I just see your name- thank you for your gracious and wise words- I believe too, all of this will pass. I pray all is well with you! xxoo

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  14. Love your post Vicky. I hope you can enjoy some sunshine in your day.

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  15. Lisa- we had the most beautiful day yesterday! It was sunny with no wind- not too hot or cold- just perfect and I was out in it as much as possible! I pray that you get to enjoy the exact same thing in the days ahead!

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  16. Tears pour down my cheeks reading this.
    Your writing is, as always, so powerful.

    The questions that you face as a human are huge. The questions you face as a mother, I imagine, feel even more huge. Hold on to your faith and your strength. Know that they have served you in the past and will continue to serve you in all that lies ahead.

    With much love and prayers for you and for your family.
    Holding you all in my heart.

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I welcome what you have to say. Thanks for taking the time to grace me with your thoughts and words!

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