Tuesday, May 21, 2013

The message...



All weekend it seems I can't find my laundry room floor to save my soul.  Its been hi-jacked with hockey equipment, baseball uniforms and stuff in general.  I spent a lot of time this weekend sorting and washing and listening.  Even though I wasn't prone on the floor, my heart has been in a constant dialog with Him. 

I've just been waiting to hear.  Something.  A sign perhaps?  A moment of clarity?  But nothing truly stirred me.

So I went to baseball and basked in the sun.  It was quite hot, but nobody dared complain about the heat considering how long we'd waited for it.  

Then I went and got summer painted onto my toes with my friend Anne.  It felt like a total splurge and those who have gifted me should know it boosted my spirits in the best way.


And then being the spontaneous, adventurous girls we are, we proceeded to dinner and a fun night of yummy food, giddy laughs and a night of full moments.  

Grey and gloom descended on Monday with loud thunderstorms awakening us at night.  I tossed and turned all night, wondering if my dreams would somehow convey a message.  Still nothing.

So I spend my time soaking in all the beautiful comments left by so many readers and followers.  My heart fills with abundance to see and fully feel so many prayers and good thoughts wrapping around me.  

Its Monday morning when I perhaps get the loudest message, and I am hoping its Him showing me his sense of humor.  

As I go to sit out in the atrium between the clinic and the rain pouring down outside, both doors open in a big whoosh and I hear loudly a praise song playing... I knew it instantly

"Softly and Tenderly Jesus is calling... calling for you and for me... come home, come home..."

As I glance around, I see that people are oblivious to the music, merely gathering their wheelchairs, or pushing the opener for the doors- preparing to step out into the rain...

Its then that I see Rick driving up and I hurry out to him, breathless with nervousness.

I just couldn't help but laugh, while also anxiously wondering, is this the message meant for me?  

I shared the experience with a friend who thankfully gave me some  perspective and said maybe the message is simply God telling you to rest safely in his arms?  

It was both reassuring and insightful to have her perspective.  

 I do know my human mind can surely misinterpret a sign from above- even think it was for me, when perhaps it wasn't.



Today I saw Dr. Panwalkar.  He was all down to business right away.  He is serious and a somber tone permeates the room.  He wanted to go over the TWO spots in my brain.

Two?  How- where- what?  Two?

He turned to the scan to show me.  Yes- very likely, its two spots now.  

And the variables in how to treat this are confounding.  

So we will do several things.  We will do the targeted radiation.  We will also do another PET scan and determine to what extent the Xeloda is working.  We may add in Tykerb, as Xeloda and Tykerb together can cross the blood brain barrier- two of the few chemos that are known to.  But the combo is harsh and the side effects can be rough.  

My head swirls.  I feel the heaviness of it all, for everyone.  

Dr. P says we'll skip the exam, but I do make him feel my lymph node.  He finally smiles when he realizes it does feel smaller.

I share with him Dr. Foster's idea that my cancer is not typical.  He concurs, "yes, your body," "but your head," and he shakes his own side to side, as his voice trails off...  "Well, we'll just have to fix it," he says with firm resolve.  

By noon, I am back in the entryway again.  Its a beehive of activity, and I sit chatting with the woman who opens the doors for everyone.  She gets called away, but before she does, she reaches down and hits the play button on her radio.  "Its pandora" she says, and she 'never really knows which of her songs will pop up."

Oh, but I do... and sure enough "Jesus is calling" faintly turns on.

And then it gets stuck. It goes into clear fits.  I even lean over trying to help it along, but nothing I press helps in the slightest.  I finally turn it down, knowing she'll fix it when she returns.

I can only chuckle as I leave to get into the car.  

I'm just waiting... 














43 comments:

  1. I love you sweet friend! That is all I can say....

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    1. hehe- I have no idea who you are- which makes me smile and I sure feel that love- sending it right back- xxoo

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  2. Still Praying Vicky. I won't stop.

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    1. Thank you - it matters-more than I can say-

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  3. Every quite moment I have had since your last post, I have been praying for you... And hugging you in my prayers. I just got done with my PET Scan and I think it comes down to just keep embracing in the moments and don't stop focusing on that... I end up questioning too many signs and a story can create... I think Dr. P has a good plan to add the Tykerb if the Xeloda is working. :)
    Hang in there my friend
    xoxo,
    Michelle

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    1. Michelle- you're so wise honey- so true- I do feel I was suddenly getting too far ahead of myself and I needed that reminder to get back into today :) Yes- the biggest part I can't ignore- I still have treatment options- that is where the focus needs to be :) Thinking of you and praying for your PET Scan results- love to you honey- thank you-

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  4. Vicky...whatever the meaning of the message, the truth of it sings sweet: He's with you as close as your next breath- He's with you.
    As everyone else said...I'm praying, you are always on my mind and my heart. Love you...

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    1. Thanks for steadfastly being with me friend- it matters- it helps- more than I can say. Love you-

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  5. Vicky... I think of you often. I say prayers for you when I wake up in the middle of the night - first for my girls, then the Mister and then you. I have never prayed so hard for anyone I haven't met. You are a great inspiration to me.

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    1. Katie- oh goodness- that truly touches me. Those prayers help, more than I can possibly say- but please rest assured they matter- xxoo

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  6. See on the portals, He's waiting and watching
    Watching for you and for me.

    Vicky, I think God is just letting you know He's there, like He always is.

    Thoughts and prayers for you.

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    1. Thank you- I do think so too- thank you friend- thinking of you-

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  7. Jesus doesn't want you to be weary, Vicky. Rest in His love, His tenderness, and the fact that He is The Great Physician.
    Love to you, my friend.
    Always,
    Jackie

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    1. Thank you for that reminder- its music to my ears- so wise and true- thank you. Love you friend-

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  8. You are in my prayers every morning, Vicky. And, as Jackie said, "Rest in His love. He is The Great Physician". And never forget that with God ALL things are possible.

    "Where there is great Love there are always miracles." Willa Cather

    Sending my love, thoughts and hugs, my friend.
    Eileen

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    1. Thank you Eileen- and clearly- there is love. Isn't that what is so apparent? I'm grateful- to you and everyone taking the time to help me see clearly what is right in front of me. Hugs to you-

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  9. This dear old hymn has lovely words and a promise that He is there, for ALL of us who belong to him, waiting and watching. Heaven is true our home, for all of us who have heard his call and who believe in the promises. And as was expressed above, the Lord wants to give all who are weary strength. What an encouraging thought.

    As I was reading this thoughtful post (you really are a wonderful writer) I was reminded of the chorus about His "Arms of Love" - holding me close, holding me still. I pray you feel those strong arms, every day. Bless you and thank you for sharing your journey with us. Praying for you over here in Zurich.

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    1. Thank you Susan- for adding even more richness to the words of others. I value what your insight and helps me with clarity and peace. Thank you for following along and for all of your encouragement and support- all the way from Zurich- one of the most lovely and peaceful places I have had the good fortune to visit-

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  10. Vicky, how is it you have me giggling over a post that brings such disconcerting news? And of course, I'm concerned with everyone else, don't get me wrong, but I am stuck on the song getting stuck. I mean, really? How can you not chuckle? After all the pondering I did over what it must have meant and the song gets stubborn on us? The song may be stuck, but you're clearly not stuck, Vicky. You have a soul that is wide open with honesty, love, compassion, receptivity, generosity, and more love. One more step...out into the rain, yes, but one more step nonetheless. You must know this. No matter what, even when I cannot be there physically, I am with you in spirit too! You are never far from my thoughts. Busy as life gets, you are close by. Hugs from across the river, with hope.

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    1. Thanks sweet one- I know- I laughed and cried and let it go and then after all that rain- the sun is shining again today. We are indeed- with each other always- so true and glad to fully feel that.

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    2. Thank God for sun!!! And...it's okay to cry every once in a while. Sometimes you just have to. The tears and rain sort of go together. Now, I hope you're smiling again. I'm glad God made tears. We need to release our frustration, confusion, and even happiness and joy through them!

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  11. I also believe in signs and it was a sign for you to believe you are being watched over. lol
    I watched a program on the brain the other day and they showed so many ailments from which it popped back after an operation where they would take huge chunks out. It's a remarkable thing the brain.
    It made me feel that should I have an operation today' the doctors know a lot more today about how to go about doing it than in my Mom's time.
    So much progress on this front.
    xoxoxoxo

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    1. Thanks Vic- I do believe we have so much more available to us today and so much more knowledge- its good to keep that in perspective- thanks Vic- much love to you-

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  12. what a beautiful message from the Lord, sent in His typical way: softly and tenderly. i think you qualify as one of the "ye who are weary", and i know you know He will carry you.

    thanks for the update. hugs from GA. prayers too.

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    1. True Jenn- for me and others too I think. The woman playing the music certainly felt she was brightening our day and had such a pleasantness to her. Weary- yes- carried -even bigger yes :) hugs and love to you...

      BTW: Thinking of you as I assume graduation is nearing- how is momma holding up?

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  13. I always loved that song,,,, used to sing it in church eons ago. It is my sincere hope that you find peace, and fortitude in His arms. You are a beautiful person Vicky.... again thank you for sharing your heart and soul with us, and leading by a most excellent example. You are a hero. Prayers unending.

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    1. Janay- thank you so much for all the heartfelt words and prayers- hero- shoot, I think no- just putting one foot in front of the other just like all of you would do if asked too- of that I am convinced. Hugs to you-

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  14. Oh! I forgot!! Pretty tootsies!!! Glad you and your girlfriend had such a lovely time.

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  15. Once again, you made me cry as I felt myself living the moment with you.

    That songs, Vicky--it SO takes me back to my childhood...to church services when I felt His sweet calling.

    Lovely. Lovely. I'm praying.

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    1. Thank you Julie- it was also one of my Dad's favorites and it brought up so many memories of him too. blessings to you- thankful for the prayers always-

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  16. I think Vicky HE is calling all of us to himself, HOME. I know in all the HARD places of my life I've always ran home to my mom for comfort and peace. Now that she's gone I find myself longing to go "home" to her comfort, prayers and love. I find myself now having to run "home" to my Father God in times of despair. God is so faithful and will NEVER leave us. Maybe going "home" for you will be a time to be renewed, revived right her on the earth where you are today to continue on. I'm still kneeling with you! God is able.

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    1. Thank you Kay- what you say is insightful and gives me perspective and I so appreciate you sharing that with me. Beautifully said and I think you are spot on!

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  17. Oh dear Vicky,
    I googled that song and listened to everyone from Rosemary Clooney to Jim Reeves singing it.
    I wept as I heard the lyrics knowing that Jesus is my "home", as He is yours. Jesus is always tenderly calling to us, His spirit asking us to come to Him.

    I know that the news you heard was hard to hear, but please know that ALL of us are on our knees asking God to give you peace, courage, and confidence. You inspire us to give it ALL to Him. Yes, He is with us always.
    Embracing life and all it brings, right along with you, knowing He holds us through it all.

    Love and prayers,
    Linda in Spokane



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    1. Thank you Linda- gosh- all of you are helping me so much with your wisdom and insight. Thank you for your steadfast prayers- I am truly grateful! Love to you-

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  18. I'm thinking of you Vicky. Hope you can enjoy some sunshine tomorrow.

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    1. I am Lisa- enjoying it thoroughly- hopeful to get out and walk too- and hoping you as well get a chance to enjoy :)

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  19. Always, always, always ... He is with us.

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    1. And- I am so grateful- you are always with me too Susan- thank you :)

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  20. Well, I just don't have anything to add the that hasn't already been said. I don't what what meaning the song has to you, but just can't believe it would be a coincidence either so maybe rest in the thought that our god is so big and good and loves us enough to send us little signs that he is thinking of us.

    Love the toes! There is just about nothing better than a good pedicure and time with girlfriends.

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    1. Melissa- I know, right? Amen is what come to my mind every time someone gives me another perspective in which to see it. And yes- the pedicure is such a treat for me- but I try to do at least a couple during the summer months as they truly recharge and refresh me :) Could totally see you, me, Rory and Becky hanging out having our toes done!

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  21. I'm thinking that wasn't a coincidence. I'm thinking we sometimes don't believe the signs when they appear to us because it's just too good to be true? Too fitting? Or too hard to believe? Why would we deny ourselves that comfort...

    Years ago now, when my daughter was in the hospital in a coma with tubes and other life supporting machines, had been for weeks... I went home briefly to feed horses and check on my son. While standing out in the barn crying over what had happened and the uncertainty of what was to come.. on what had been a sunny day... the clouds rolled over so darn fast it was scary. The wind whipped up and I wondered if we were about to get run down by a tornado, it was that fierce. I decided to ride it out in the barn, as running back to the house might be too dangerous. The storm came and went in about 15 minutes time, and the sun reappeared. Very odd weather pattern. I stared up into the rays now streaming through the quieted sky and felt the warmth on my face. And then I realized... I've been praying in the hospital chapel every morning for weeks now, asking, begging, pleading for a sign that my daughter will be ok. Will we be OK again?

    Maybe.. this was it, my sign that although there was a terrible storm, there will be light again. Just days later, my daughter uttered her first words in weeks. And right then, I believed.

    Now those who know me, know I'm not specifically religious and I won't go into why here. However.. I'm also a hypocrit... because I prayed...and I believe I received a message that day.

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  22. Oh vicky, I am late in reading this, and gosh darn it - what can be said; its so not what you/we wanted to hear - but my prayers - always my prayers are with you. You my sweet friend are amazing and wonderful and rarely a momment goes by where I don't think about you and how you are!

    xoxoxoxo

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  23. LOVED reading Karen's response to you - so full of hope in the face of what would be so difficult to hear. And yet, I sense Dr. P is also hopeful when he says, "We have to fix it." Don't know how to make the place where you fall any softer, Vicky, except to fall into Him because "earnestly, tenderly He IS calling you....you who are weary." He says, "Come to me all you who are weary and I will give you rest." Rest in Him as you can and cast your cares on Him. I am not glad there are two tumors but I AM glad they found both of them and are going to treat them. Praying for you as you ponder this, face this, treat this, and praying for Rick and your boys, too.

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I welcome what you have to say. Thanks for taking the time to grace me with your thoughts and words!

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