Tuesday, September 17, 2013

just write







It's the third time she's called this day and I bite my lip as I finally slide my finger across my phone and lift it to my ear. I was about to go and lie down. 

"I need to go into the walk-in clinic or er.  Can you give me a ride?"  

I dare say, my mother almost sounds chipper while delivering this news.

I tell her I will make some arrangements for the kids and then I'll come and get her and she can tell me what is going on.  

Its 4:30 and I dread the thought of heading into the small amount of "rush hour" traffic we get.  Just enough to be a nuisance at times in all reality.  

But my brain and my body have a harder time filtering things out.  Lights are brighter, noise is louder, multi-tasking is multi-taxing on my chemo and radiation ravaged brain and body.  I drain so quickly of energy, and can fill so instantly with unannounced emotions.  At this time of day, I'm nearing the end of my ability to cope. 

I grab a sweater, preparing for a long night, and go to get my mother.  

"Its my leg," she says as she somewhat hobbles her way into my car.  "Just look at the size of it," she exclaims while pulling up her pants leg unsteadily.  I instead help to maneuver her into the car while people wait behind me to pull in.  

"Mom, just get in and then you can show me."  

She gets in and as I pull away, she struggles to find the seat belt.  I hesitate, knowing the seconds it will take me to just do it for her, but also not wanting to take away what independence she has. I struggle with this so.  Its a good five minutes before she finally clicks the belt into place.

By now, she has completely forgotten about her leg.

She instead begins telling me all the latest details about her friends, the same ones she has just called to tell me about hours before.  

I focus my eyes, as the sun shines heavily down, and as I am about to make my way to the exit ramp, she admonishes me.

"Ohhh, you're going this way?  You shouldn't be in this lane... it'd be so much better to go... ohhh."

She suddenly sees I have my blinker on and am preparing to get into that very left turn lane.  

I grip the steering wheel tightly as I fight off the voice in my head- my inner 16-year-old child, blanching at the words of her well-intentioned mother.

I'm instantly right back there again.

"No daughter of mine will learn how to drive before she is 25 years old.  Girls do no make good drivers.  And we have no money for a car, or insurance or extra gas.  You'll just have to ride your bike."  


I'm 19 before I get my driver's permit and its Superman who takes me driving for the first time in his Mustang.  

I'm 21 when I buy my first car.  Its a red, sporty, Nissan with t-tops.

I'm 22, when I finally get my driver's license.  

I'm 46, and still don't drive the way my mother thinks I should, while Superman assures, I'm good.

But I am what she has.

We end up spending 4 hours together this night.  I watch as she befriends a young male, a Freshman Concordia College Student needing help with his arm.  He throws an arm around her, wishing her well,  when she gets called back.  She then goes on to charm her admittedly dashing young doctor.  She is everyone's friend and I smile at seeing her at her best.

After having an ultrasound performed, her leg is found clear of any infection, cellulitis, or blood clots.  Her water pills are increased and she is free to go home.

Once back in the waiting room, she sees someone she knows, clearly walking in pain, and wants to make a beeline over to them to see what is going on.

By now, I'm fully back into my grown-up self.  My own motherly instincts kick in as I gently guide her towards the door saying "Mom, now isn't probably the best time."

She chatters away the whole ride home.

We arrive back at her place close to 830.

She sees her friends walking towards the entry way and hurries off, saying to me, "Thank you dear, until you're better paid someday!!"

And away she goes...

Joining Heather at the EO today for...














35 comments:

  1. Oh, Vicky, I am speechless. Next time, please say,"Mom, I am too tired,but my friend Barb would love to take you"….Please! Your energy and what is left at 4:30 has to be saved for you, Just you. Your kids and Rick understand that and your Mom will too. Plus, you need to stay away from an ER….germs….she will understand. Just do it. No unnecessary stress, ok? xxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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    1. Oh- I promise if couldn't, I wouldn't Barb. But being there for my mom is really important to me too- just as I know you are there for your Dad :) It was all good :) And I slept in til 730 today so truly I am okay. xxoo

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    2. I just knew how tired you were, so glad you had a good nights rest. God knew, funny how He knows, just like when He knew when our kids would get sick OR when you would get sick when YOU were little and your Mom had to do it.:)
      We are not called the, 'sandwich generation' for nothing, as they once were, also….Life sure is a circle. Love you! xoxox AND i am glad it was nothing super serious with your Mom!

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  2. Replies
    1. I think of you and your Dad when I write about my mom~

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  3. I went through similar experiences when my dad moved in with the six of us.(hubby & me plus 4 kids) I'm glad to hear that you rested well last night.

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    1. I did- I crashed early and slept hard. I'll bet you can relate in a big way :)

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  4. My parents are turning into children again at 80 years old. I do with them what I do with my husband when I am ironing his shirts. Thank God they are here and still part of my life. ;) They do try my patience though at times. lol

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    1. Exactly- no different than we did to them as children I think- it all just reverses and we are now the ones figuring out how to balance being both caretaker and child at the same time.

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  5. oh Vicky, can I so relate! Living with my mom and aunt really has me bitting my tongue alot and not letting my 18 year old sass come out! Why is it harder when they get older -- why do mothers drive us so crazy - I know my kids will say or do say I am crazy, I guess its our right as a mother - to be crazy! I say crazy losely :)

    I hope you got some rest!!

    xo

    xoxo

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Tiffany- I knew I wasn't alone in this!! And yes, the "crazy" is indeed said loosely :)

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  6. lol well you have a lot to smile about just like I do.My Mom left us with plenty So did my Dad. lol
    But this is what family is.
    But you know they love you and this is what is important.

    xoxoxoxoxox

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  7. Pardon me for saying so, but I can't believe that with all you are going through, she would even ask you to drive her. You're an exceptional good daughter!

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    1. I didn't even hesitate- on other occasions I've had to defer to one of her sisters for help and they both do so much to help us out. The urgency to get her to the clinic before they closed made me decide it was just best to jump in and help.

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  8. I love you both...you and your Mom, and I know you would do anything for her...and she would do the same for you.
    Keep on hanging in there, my sweet friend.
    You do it better than anyone I know.
    Truly.
    Love you,
    Jackie

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    1. Mom so loves the cards Jackie- she calls me and reads them to me word for word. I'm not sure her ability to write you back is still intact these days- but oh how she treasures those heartfelt and kind words- as do I sweet friend- as do I :)

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    2. I don't expect her to write me back, Vicky. I want to send some rays of sunshine to her. It does my heart good to be able to share with her. Love you both...
      J.

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  9. You are a wonderful daughter for doing what you did in spite of your own state. I do not have cancer, but can relate to putting others' needs before my own when I should be taking better care of myself. You're inspiring, but I do hope you will get some rest and maybe next time, tell your mom it can wait until after you catch a nap....?

    hugs

    visiting from Just Write

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    1. Hi Erin- how nice to see you here :) I promise I did get some rest- a better part of today was spent totally laying low. But, putting other's first is so hard for me to lay down, for sure. Thanks for your sweet words- I'm excited to come and visit you :)

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  10. So you want to know what I took from this? That anything I criticize my kids for could possibly be stuck in their heads for the rest of their life, not just during that moment of correction. I so need to remember this and make sure I am encouraging them!

    And I love the picture. :) So glad your mom is okay.

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    1. Melissa- ohhhh yes- on my fb page last night it was my cousins all chiming in with their own version of my story- our mother's were all cut from the same cloth :) But we simply laugh about our moms now and have great stories to tell and can commiserate well.

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  11. that was an "embrace" moment that was NOT easy to embrace. so proud of you for honoring her needs above your own. that was grace, honey!

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    1. Jenn!!!!! You're back!!!! I followed along on fb as best I could and it truly looks like prayers were being answered!! I so want to know how you are and how it all went :) Love to you honey- welcome home!!

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  12. This brought my feelings up to my throat--

    Our mothers.

    I'd have done the same thing.

    XXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

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  13. Dearest Vicky.
    Ah yes... I remember it well. the "mother-daughter dance". When those roles reverse, and Moms get older, some of their wonderful "quirks" become more visible and prominent. I'm so glad that you and your cousins could have a chuckle about it all. :)

    God Bless!
    Love Linda

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    1. Linda- yes- "the dance," very aptly put by you. I've seen my own mother and sisters laugh at the things her mom and dad used to do and say, so my cousins and I have been taught well!

      Blessings to you!

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  14. Oh Vicky, good grief. I'm trying NOT to over-identify or be too protective of you because I know you WANT to be there for your mom. But I know it's incredibly challenging when they get like this and especially for you with all your going through. I'm with your first commenter who worried for you with all the germs around and thought to myself so MANY of your friends would surely take her. But I know you would WANT to and it sounds like you're her only child nearby.

    My heart is with you. I'm it for my mom (no sibs) except, as you know and you know why, we have a terribly difficult relationship. It adds a whole other level and I could certainly identify with the irritations that come up under criticisms that feel nearly unbearable when you're already sacrificing beyond what you feel able to do. But somehow God calls us and enables us and on we go. But please, Vicky, save your strength and do call on your loving friends when you know you should or you just can't be there. If she was able to process things fully as she once was, you KNOW what she would want: the same thing you would want for your boys.

    We're sandwiches alright. And I think I just may write a whole POST about THAT!

    Love you. P.S. Sending you a private message on Facebook because I have a question.

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  15. This post made me grin. I love how real you are. How you define relationships and reality as they truly are. With mega love included. Love the pic of you on your lil red car!!! I also was late getting my license!!!

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  16. I've done this dance, and know the steps well!

    I get the feeling that maybe your Mom's way of making peace with all that you are facing is to have you be the good daughter, again. Somehow, if she can tell you how to drive, everything is okay, it's as it should be.

    You are the daughter I hope I am raising.

    xoxo

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I welcome what you have to say. Thanks for taking the time to grace me with your thoughts and words!

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