Friday, September 6, 2013

Choosing...

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us. Albert Schweitzer 

The collage below is part of the "rekindled spark" I have felt over the past few days.  From cards with heartfelt messages, to books, to the beautiful prayer bracelet (it has a small box on it to enclose a written prayer and carry it with you- love it!), to the anonymous and completely beyond generous donation inside the blank envelope without a hint of where it came from, to the also beyond generous gift from a friend and her brilliantly funny card, to the box from Hawaii (via Houston) with more lotion-love, I spent my morning, basking in the gratitude that overflowed in my heart, spilling into the words I wrote in thank you notes that I mailed yesterday.  It. felt. good.  

I do perhaps, need to grow my vocabulary.  Just how do you say thank you that fully conveys the explosion that happens in your heart every time thoughtfulness and selfless generosity parades through your door?  

I whisper almost continuously, "make me worthy, Lord, make me worthy of so much abundance."  "Help us pay it forward. Keep my hands open to both receive and not grab too tightly so that I may give in proportion to what I receive." 





You see, its all in the choosing.  Every day really.  And I forget sometimes I have the ability to do so.  To choose.  Not so much what happens to me.  But how I will deal with it.  I just have to choose.  Just like our Gitzen Girl, Sara, taught us. (If you are new around here- my sweet friend Sara's story is not one to miss out on.  She has been in her heavenly home nearly two years now, but her story lives on in so many of us.) 

My friend, Gitzen Girl came across my radar in the most unusual way the other night.  Through Instagram.  Now I am fairly certain Instagram arrived on the scene long after she went to her heavenly home, but not only does she have an account?  But its followed by hundreds of people.  No posts from her, no photos, just a legacy that makes people want to include her still, to be in community with her.  Much in the way many have had her tag line, "choose joy," tattooed onto them.  This is one of the tattoos- in Sara's replicated handwriting that she graciously shared with us. 





I don't have a tattoo, other than two circles, dots really,  they made on my chest to line me up for radiation to my spine last year.  They don't really count as "tats."  But if I were ever off chemo and my skin were of the healing variety, I would get a "choose joy" tat.  

Sara defined joy as this "Joy: the unwavering trust that God knows what He’s doing and has blessed me with the opportunity to be a part of it… not despite what’s happening in my life but because of it. When everything earthly feels heavy He gives me an internal lightness that can’t be touched."


Amen to that.  Now I just need to remember that the other word is equally important.  

Choose.

Last week, I struggled with my ability to choose.  

This week- I'm all the way in- choosing joy.  Choosing gratitude. Choosing life.  




I saw Dr. P on Tuesday.  I was on my own as Rick was busy with work.  My platelets have dropped a little, but the rest of my blood work looks stable.  I will continue on with 4 pills of Tykerb daily and we'll scan again in a few months.  I will have a brain mri next week to check and see if the targeted therapy to my brain worked.  

Rather spontaneously, in the midst of discussing my case, Dr. P looks at me and says "so you are a writer?  You've been published?  Magazines?  And you have a blog?"

I rather sheepishly respond in the affirmative.

He goes on to say "People keep telling me these things about you, and I feel as though suddenly I barely know you!"  

I share with him he is rather "famous."  And that its "all good." He slowly smiles, and says "thank you."  I think its fair to say, he truly has no idea.  I also think that is totally fine. 

And then in the way that makes me admire him so- we dove right back into discussing my case.















30 comments:

  1. Hello from Alaska - its a rainy day but this post brought sunshine to my corner of the world. Open Hands (to receive from Him, then give back, give out from that abundance) these were my "words" or rather image, really, for 2012.

    Also I love any reminder of Gitzen Girl. :-)

    Have a blessed weekend ~

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    1. Hey to Alaska! I know- loved seeing Gitz's account on instagram and all of our mutual blogging friends signed in to follow her. Miss her so :) So cool those were your "images"- its a great concept to have! Hope you are having a fab time in Alaska!

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  2. Vicky... Another beautiful, inspiring post. You are right - and I need to be reminded all the time - I do have a choice.

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    1. Thank you Katie- so do I friend- so do I :)

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  3. So thankful that blessings keep on a comin' your way!!
    Love you,
    J.

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    1. Thank you Miss Jackie- you are definitely one of those blessings!! Love you!

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  4. You, dear Vicky, are one of the most 'worthy' people I have ever had the joy to meet (albeit virtually). Your posts continue to act as a reset button for me, reminding me of what is possible, reminding me to elevate my thinking to the level of my heart, ultimately ... to choose to keep you, Vicky, as a role model for how to be ... fully and compassionately human.

    It's impossible not to love you Vicky. xo

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    1. Bonnie~ I read this last night before drifting off to sleep. You've mentored me in ways, and reminded me often of who and how I want to be and the admiration is very mutual. Thank you for such honorable and extremely generous words- they touch me very deeply.

      I hope you know how much we, your blog friends, admire and love you right back :)

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  5. Your posts always leave me speechless and in admiration of your strength and courage.

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    1. Thank you friend- its always so great to see you here and I appreciate your kind and supportive words!

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  6. Your courage is just as real as Sarah's was... you press on daily and push past your fears, your pain and your desire to just stop. You inspire many... I wrote down your address, hope it was alright.
    I have a few things I will try to send you.
    Take care.

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    1. That is a true compliment to me- but more importantly I feel like its a bit of Sara shining through. She literally spent hours late at night answering my questions and mentoring me in ways that have changed me and helped me grow into the woman I want to be. Yes- the address is fine- I hadn't ever wanted to so publicly display it and yet I pray that whoever sent it, will see my profound gratitude for how much they touched me :) Thank you for your kind words!

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  7. Vicky I am so remiss in writing to you ! I have so mu h to share with you. I really Lo Ed reading this. Thank you for the reminder.

    I will email you.

    Xoxo

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    1. Giggled as I read this- and totally was thinking of you today!! Email at your convenience and know I am always here for you sweet one :) Love you honey :)

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  8. So. Much. And loved. Trying to comment on my phone without my glasses. Ack

    Xoxo

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  9. Thank you Vicky..I needed this tonight...I have been a bit down..and usually I am counted on..to radiate joy..and usually I do..and usually I am there...but like the quote said...sometimes, just sometimes, other's need to rekindle the flame. I found your blog in Feb. I shared snips and pieces with my mom...and then came back to check on her in april and shared more snips and pieces..for I new she could relate..and then..then may came...and I couldnt catch her. My mom passes away July 21 from pancreatic cancer...the rarer slower growing kind..we had 2 yrs and 1 month to the date. But our mom, was healthy her whole life. Natural child birth to 6 children...never been sick or in the hospital..and the journey I was lead to...I new I was ment to be a part of...but the business In life has now...not allowed me to think..or feel and so...even tho I know, that all our thouhts are a choose...I guess I have been a lil numb..thank you for this post..and thank you Sara...I needed this tonight..you re-lit my flame :) as you know..that is priceless. Hang in there beautiful lady..hang in there! and CHOOSE JOY!

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    1. Oh, Peggy Sue,
      I am so, so sorry about the loss of your Mom. Thank you for honoring all of us by sharing this with us. You, who are usually the one rekindling flames, need time to heal and have others do that for you. I too remember, at the loss of my Mom, feeling a "bit numb". While it is an honor to be a part of helping that dear soul go home, it can also be exhausting physically, emotionally and spiritually. It left me breathless when you said, "I couldn't catch her." I tried to do that too.

      Sometime, as I think back, I chose JOY again, minute-by-minute. God was a great comfort, and as I brought my numbness to Him He rekindled my flame. Also, as you let others you've been there for minister to you, you honor them as they have a chance to give back.

      Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers this morning, Peggy Sue.
      God Bless!
      Linda

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    2. Peggy Sue- my heart just aches for the loss of your dear mom. You are so fresh in your grief, its no wonder at all you feel a bit down. After my Dad passed away, I felt as though I walked in a bubble of grief- the light only half on- colors muted, feelings numb, lack of energy and little passion for most anything for awhile. I think the only way through the grief, truly, is to lean in- like you have done and keep going all the way through. Slowly it lifts, life comes back into view and joy will find you again Peggy Sue- all in time- joy will find you. This will be my prayer for you- for joy to spill back into your life!! Hugs to you sweet one- love- blessings and prayers!

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    3. Oh my...I am still a baby at blogging. I dont know how to negotiate many things. I came back to your page Vicky to write some of your thoughts down... and I saw what you and linda wrote. And I sit here a lil shocked and a whole lot humbled and like a big wonderful blanket was wrapped around me in the warmest hug. I am a bit speachless. From the bottom of my greatful heart. thank you both for the kind uplifiting words. The other night I stumbled across this beautiful song...I played it several times..and would like to share it...it gave me great peace and yes tears... I love how music can reach us...sometimes in ways nothing else can...until your words Vicky and until you shared the words of Sara who is no longer with us.... Hugs to you all and a blessed wonderful weekend is my wish for all!
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uNCxV7v3rgw

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  11. Oh Christmas at your house with lots of Santas contributing! Yay! And always a word of perspective from you and you KNOW I need that. This week was a lot of grousing from me when on Wednesday I was sent completely over the edge. Getting an appointment for my girl made me turn the corner and brought my humor back.

    Thank you for encouraging me to get back to blogging, Vicky. When there are SUCH serious issues in the world, like yours, my frivolous humor and lampooning of all the vagaries of life seems irreverent in light of heavy trials. But you have convinced me that sometimes laughter is the best medicine so, I proceed....truly inspired by you. Thanks for bringing Sara to mind as well. She is still a Facebook friend and her blog will FOREVER be on my roll. :) Glad for good numbers, dear friend. So glad.

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    1. Oh Robynn- your blogging voice has been dearly missed!! Its uniquely comedic, but timely and forthright that gets to the heart of the matter always. Love you skill with words- you are a rare and precious gift and I am delighted you have chosen to come back to us!!

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  12. Dearest Vicky,
    I LOVE that Albert Schweitzer quotation and you ARE so worthy of every gift you received. You are the daughter of the Almighty King and He lives in you. You radiate His love to others. As you share your life so abundantly and openly with us, you, like our sweet Sarah, rekindle our flames. The photographs you share on your blog, taken by you and Rick, do that too.

    You remind us that God blesses us with every flower and every night filled with radiant stars. You remind us how to rely on Jesus, no matter what. You remind us that even in the darkest moments, we are not alone. The One who made us, and knows us fully, is right there holding our hand. Those reminders are such a HUGE gift to me and others.
    All of the flames you help to rekindle become a giant bon fire!

    I am so happy that your numbers look good and I can just imagine the look on Dr. P's face as he reveals what he has learned about you. You are so right. He is "famous" and I pray for him and his wisdom to help you and others. He has no idea how many prayer lists he is a part of. :)

    Praying for your brain MRI. Have a great weekend, dear friend.
    God Bless!
    Love Linda

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    1. Linda~ your eloquent and thoughtful words are a pleasure to read and uplift me so! Truly you touch me and I am so honored.

      Loved that you responded to Peggy Sue as reading about her mom broke my heart and you so earnestly provided such comfort and peace through your words- thank you!

      God's blessings to you sweet friend! Much love!

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  13. As always Vicky, I love your honesty and your style of writing. Over the years I've learned so much about you through your blog posts. I'm so proud of your courage and your spiritual beliefs. On a bad day Vicky, please think about all of your blogger friends....we love you and pray for you, even if we can't feel your pain and suffering of cancer and all the horrible drugs. We are always with you my friend.

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  14. When my life seems overwhelming, and I want to just sit and cry, I find peace reading what you have written, about your own struggle.
    Yes, by all means, choose. Choose. Every day.

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  15. Just what I need, when I needed it. Once again I must thank you.
    I will choose joy. :)

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I welcome what you have to say. Thanks for taking the time to grace me with your thoughts and words!

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