Monday, August 19, 2013

I just want...

I just want to watch my oldest son snipe a high school goalie top shelf.  To see his team mates, the Spuds, surround him as they gather in a group as young men, celebrating the moment of unadulterated joy. He has wanted this since he was 3 years old.

I just want to watch my youngest son round the bases, his eyes glued to the coach, as the throw comes to the cut off, and the coach knowing its going to be close, wave him home, knowing my son will accelerate his stride and push all the way through to home plate, scoring a run.  This boys eyes grow wide each time he hits the ball farther into the field and he rounds more bases.  I so want to see him grow closer to his dream.

I just want movie nights like last week, where 2 adults, 2 kids and a dog recline on 1 big bed watching "Pitch Perfect," in a darkened room, late into the night, sprinkled with laughter and wide-eyed amusement.

I just want to watch my biggest boy get his driver's license.  To not just practice shifting the Prius in and out of gear with me, but to sit in the driver's seat and grip the actual wheel, steering us off into the future of all his tomorrows.

I just want to sign littlest boy up to be on the Rachel Ray and Guy Fieri new cooking show with kids.  He leaps up in the bed when they show the previews and exclaims "I would so do that!" I can cook Ramen noodles you know!"  Oh... that boy... clearly has my heart.  I just want to watch him do just that...

I just want to see my babies through this rocky tweeny time as brothers.  Where emotions flare quick one minute, and shouts and names pierce the air,  then simmer the next minute as they sit together building their hockey rinks on Minecraft, dreaming big dreams, in their still young boy worlds.

I just want this "shot glass" full of dreams.  No bucket lists for me.  No grandiose, monumental, gigantic dreams.

I just want all the days, in all the everyday ways...  graduations.  Grandchildren.  Growing old with Superman.

The grit along with the glory.

I just want gratitude that fills my journal 10,000 ways in 10,000 days.

I just want...

*****************************************************************

He calls earlier than I anticipate.  The number on my phone tells me the call is coming from Roger Maris and my heart beat quickens.

"Panwalkar here."  His voice is loud and steady.

"Your recent PET scan does not look any different than your last CT scan.  It still shows growth in your lungs over your last PET scan in May.  But the tumors are stable from your last CT scan."

Its middle of the road.  Perhaps a small chance the Tykerb will hold things in check?

I'm stable for now.

"Any other questions?"

"My cough? Can we do something about my persistent cough?"

"I will call in an order for Tessalon Perles, they should help relax your muscles and suppress the urge to cough."

"Increase your dose of Tykerb.  See you in 2 weeks."

*********************************************************************

I just want 2 weeks + 2 weeks + 2 weeks...

I just want...









57 comments:

  1. Hello, I'm sitting with my laptop when I should be in the kitchen starting dinner. It's that time of day over here. As I read this post, my heart is a flutter as I read your wonderful list of dreams.

    These are wonderful requests, beautiful wishes and I pray that they unfold, one at a time, in His perfect timing.

    In the meantime,

    I'm thankful for the conversation with your great doctor. Praying for a multiplication of those weeks.

    And praying for much grace for you all.

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    1. Thank you Susan~ grace~ exactly what I seem to need above all else. xxoo

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  2. Continuing to lift you up. My heart breaks in all ways for you. I want all the same for you and your family. I'm rejoicing for middle of the road news. Love you sweet sister in Christ.

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    1. Love to you Kelly~thank you sweet one.

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  3. Dear Friend,

    My eyes fill with tears and my hands shake as I read your words. I am praying, I am walking this road with you, I understand. You are loved.

    Shari

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    1. Sweet Shari~ how I know, how well you know this. I don't usually spend too much time dipping into the future in this way- but at times I just crave the "normalcy" of those desires. Love to you~

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  4. And I want that for you. Blessings for each new day.

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    1. Susan- thank you for just that- all I really need- enough for each new day :)

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  5. The tears fill my eyes as I read your words, Vicky. I am praying that you are given the gift of two weeks many times over.

    Love and hugs!!!

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    1. Thank you Eileen- that truly is the best gift- thank you for those prayers. Hugs and love to you-

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  6. I want all that for you too, Vicky. May it all be so. May the Tykerb work and may there be another something on the horizon we can't even foresee. May God touch and heal you. May someone have an epiphany and introduce a new idea that gives amazing results. May you have far less pain and far more ease. May each moment stretch so that you can take it all in and savor every thread of it. May your heart and fears be completely in God's hands and may He protect you from your own thoughts and worries. May He grant you the desires of your heart and give you the peace that ONLY He can bring and may He bring it in such abundance that it overflows and drenches you. All of us here, Vicky, want all of this for you, and we are praying. Love you.

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    1. Thank you Robynn for indulging me in a few moments of long and deeply held heart desires. I still pray His will and His way, but my humanly heart is still just that- human.

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    2. How could your heart be anything else, Vicky? You amaze me every day that you get up and fight the fight and battle whatever comes your way. I want every moment for you that you want. I probably didn't say it very well but it's truly what I meant. I so wish you didn't have to walk this path or think these thoughts, Vicky. Words fail me. Just know my heart is with you. May your fondest two-by-twos stretch out into the realization of all the longed for moments.

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    3. Oh Robynn- you said it perfectly and I got you- I always get you. Your grace-filled words always speak directly to my heart and flood me with comfort, perspective, wisdom, peace, etc. I'm the one that lacks in ways to let you know how much I treasure what you say- always...

      loving you- deep and wide friend- and madly saying prayers for our precious Hannah...

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  7. I avoid all mention of bucket lists and just wants because it scares me too much to say those things out loud. I don't think I'm reading between the lines too much to know that, while this is middle of the road for you, it's not what you wanted.

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    1. For 2 1/2 years I have rejected the bucket list notion. But I can't ignore those heart whispers of the gift of more milestones, you know? It IS hard to say it out loud and I don't indulge often- too heartbreaking for sure. Sigh- I'm learning still it isn't about what we want- praying He knows better than I.

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  8. I've been praying for you. Praying for peace.

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  9. Oh, I just want too, for you! So poignant, Vicky. I think we should all name our dreams and have every hope that God will provide them. Let it be! Here for you....XXOO

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    1. I feel that you do Roxane~I do. I know He knows as well and I pray that it is in some way part of His plan too. Thanks for being here for me~

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  10. HUGS, my dear Vicky. Always in my thots and prayers..

    Jean

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    1. Thank you so much Jean :) Hugs to you~

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  12. And I wish you all that moments, thats hours, thats days, that 2 weeks and 2 weeks and 2 weeks ..... and all that "little" things you "want"!!!!

    Be strong ... I believe in you and I am honored to call you my friend!

    Bussals
    Mimi

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    1. Mimi- thank you for your sweet words and for encouraging me the way you always do~ Love you honey~

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  13. I join in wishing all these things for you, and many, many more! Sharing such raw emotions and feelings reminds me what to pray for, and how precious each and every day really is.

    "Stable" can be a very positive word when dealing with cancer, yet we always long for improvement for sure. I will pray that the increase in Tykerb will have positive results, and that the side effects will be tolerable. Take care, dear sista!

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    1. Stable is good Steph, undoubtedly. I'm going to cling to that as long as I can :) Thank you for your thoughtful and encouraging words always sweet sista!

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  14. Praying that you will get all of your simple wants. Praying, Praying, Praying.

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    1. Thank you for your faithful and steadfast prayers- they mean so much to me! Hugs and love to you :)

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  15. YIPPPEEEE!!! stable is good; middle of the road is good!

    2+2+2...that's how we get from one month to the next, and then to the next year.

    yay!

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    1. Hehe- yep stable is good :) We'll just keep hoping stable strings along for a long long time :) Hugs to you sweet friend~

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  16. Vicky: I know this isn't entirely what you were hoping for, yet it's better than bad news. My heart is sad that you have had to grow used to taking things day by day and week by week, when so many of us take that for granted.
    You WILL see that goal from Nolan...you WILL see Colton on a cooking show...you WILL stay on top of this and defy the odds.
    Positive thoughts continually coming your way my friend.

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    1. Thank you Bonnie- I don't delve into the future like this often- but the normalcy of these hopes and dreams I do crave once in awhile. I am never without hope and faith- thank you for the positive thoughts- they sure help :)

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  17. I want all that and more for you.

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    1. As much as I want what you want for yourself too Hilary- I know how you know this :) Hugs to you~

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  18. Tessalon pearls do help last time I got bronchitis I was amazed how much they helped. Hope they relax you and let you sleep and hope they calm your cough too.

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    1. They have really helped take the edge off for me as well- I am making it through the night now without coughing and that alone helps so much :)

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  19. I read this post breathless and in tears. I want all those things for you! My mother heart aches for you and for the anxiety I am certain you sometimes feel.
    Prayers continue,,,,, every positive vibe I have is sent your way.
    You have such a beautiful heart and soul.

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    1. Janay- thank you for your lovely and soothing words. So grateful to have your mother heart right in the thick of it with mine. Love to you-

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  20. Vicky,
    Your boys are so very blessed to have you as their angel guiding them through everything. Thank you for sharing your wonderful thoughts, hopes and dreams. You will experience all of this and so much more. Your are evermore in our thoughts and prayers... Brenda Elmer

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    1. Thank you Brenda~such a lovely surprise to wake up and find you here this morning. I so appreciate the encouragement and prayers~ blessings to you and yours~

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  21. I want all that for you too! And I pray that it all comes your way! You are always in my thoughts and prayers -- even though we only know each other through these messages, I feel like you are a friend. Take care and know that so many people are thinking of you and praying for you!

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    1. Thank you so much Genny- I so appreciate all the loving thoughts and prayers. These online friendships have so much value to me and I hope you know I count you amongst them!

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  22. I hope I hope and I hope that you get many more tomorrows, many more family nights, many nights of waiting up for your boys to return from a date or a party. I hope you get to hold your grandchild's hand and say.. Thank Goodness I am here.

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    1. Oh me too, Karen- thanks for wanting that for me as much as I do :)

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  23. And I want you to have all those things too! Praying for you Vicky and thinging of you - wrapping you in a love that comforts - asking Him to indwell you - to wrap His hope so deep in you -- all shall be well.

    Hugs sweet friend - love you!
    xo

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    1. Tiffany- "to wrap His hope so deep in you..." Beautifully said honey- yes that!

      Hugs and love to you- still basking in the warmth of the picture in my head of you at the beach :)

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  24. and i want all of those things and MORE for you, too !!!....xo

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  25. Ask and it will be given to you, is what my heart whispers, dear friend. Sending prayers your way and feeling your hug. Thank you xo

    Hugging you back xo

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    1. Thank you sweet Anyes- you're in my heart and in my thoughts so often these days- praying you feel love surrounding you and peace settles in soon. xxoo

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  26. I think of you often and when I check in on your blog, I see your spirit shining through with hope and grace. The touching beauty of your words reflects all the goodness in your soul.

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    1. Kass- how are you friend? How lovely to see you here! Thank you for checking in on me- I pray you are doing well! Truly good to see you here!

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  27. What a perfect title.

    How many trivial things have I wasted time wanting.

    Your list is the real deal.

    The things that matter most.

    Oh, how I just want these things for you, my friend.

    Prayers rising up now.
    xoxo

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    1. Thank you Julie- your words are so encouraging and I am touched by your willingness to offer prayers. Love and blessings to you!

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I welcome what you have to say. Thanks for taking the time to grace me with your thoughts and words!

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