Saturday, August 31, 2013

how to grow in your weakness


"Grow Strong in your weakness.  Some of My children I've gifted with abundant strength and stamina. Others like you have received the humble gift of frailty.  Your frailty is not a punishment, nor does it indicate a lack of faith.  On the contrary, weak ones must live by faith, depending on Me to get you through the day..." Jesus Calling by Sarah Young


I hear it all the time lately... "How are you doing?"  "Ohhh, I'm ok."  And then I don't know what to say, I don't really have a solid follow up to that right now.  

It feels like we're headed in so many new directions.

I can string together some hours in the day when essentially I feel fairly good.  But Tykerb is just dang tricky.  I can manage a few days when 4 pills might just be the right dose, until that day that sneaks up on me and flattens me with diarrhea so intense I am confined to a space just steps away from the bathroom for hours at a time, if not longer.

Then there are the days after when I think I have recovered.  I find renewed energy.  So I head out. Only to grow dizzy, lightheaded, weak and tired.  I battle dehydration often.  Our extended heat wave hasn't helped.  And with the all the changes in our house?  I don't have many places to go anymore that are quiet and restorative, unless I go to bed. So its quiet and I could blog, but don't have access to anything from that location.  (Hence the week of no posts)

The boys have taken over our living room with the computer and tv, while the "office" has overtaken the entire basement and the garage, with overflow spilling into our closets and hallways. Its worth the money it saves us on office rental fees, but we don't have it all figured out just yet.  How to live, work and find some restoration all in the same cramped space has eluded us so far.

Then theres just all the "hard" that is so difficult to talk about in a casual and offhand way.  The wills we are preparing. That day my forever friend comes to me and says "It's time."  She is my bestie, and my attorney and we both have tears when she comes to be "both" with me.  It hits me, hard, not only do I have to think about who needs to be covered by my will, but also, whose wills can I no longer be a part of?  

Rick and I lay awake long hours discussing the hows, the whys, the ways it will all be.  We all have to face this, its a normal rite of passage when you have kids and extended family to watch out for.  Its just that noise I hear that is different, hovering in the near distance- the ticking of my clock- just a little louder than some. 

Our new associate pastor called last week.  Pastor Mary and I will have coffee in a couple of weeks. She called to say she has just read my OTMOM magazine article, and perhaps her and I should get to know one another better? I stifle the urge to shush the ticking clock, while embracing the fact she wants to come spend time with me. 

Sanford finance also popped back onto the scene.  It will take closing out our benefit fund and most of our savings to pay off our current bill.  I'm relieved we have enough to do so.  Its been 2 and 1/2 years where the generosity of others has seen us through.  I feel nothing but gratitude and hope for our future, as we begin to chart our new direction again.  We've been sent a stack of paper work to fill out so Sanford can determine how best to help us.  Stay tuned... 


I thought I'd leave you with a hint of a surprise event coming my way in the upcoming months.  

We attended a wedding reception at Rustic Oaks last Thursday night.  It's a beautiful retreat center that uses a barn that has been redone but still has most of its "bones" in tact.  I can't wait to shoot more photos to share of the whole property. 

The reception was a sneak preview of a place that I will attend again in the near future.  It has something to do with me and Dr. Panwalkar, oh and a group of women.  Will be back again soon with more details to come! 




Thank you to all of you who have reached out to me this past week.  It can get lonely and a person can feel isolated after spending so much time tucked away.  I will try to figure out a blogging solution so long lapses don't occur.  I miss it too much- along with all of you.

Tuesday is our first day of school...  I will also see Dr. P and have infusion... be back soon.  

~All shall be well~


"I am developing your ability to trust Me, to lean on Me, rather than your own understanding.  Your natural preference is to plan our your day, knowing what will happen when.  My preference if for you to depend on Me continually, trusting Me to guide you and strengthen you as needed.  This is how you grow in your weakness."

August 31, Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young










53 comments:

  1. In the confines of that space my heart rests with you.

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    1. So happy to have it there with me Susan :)

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    2. This: "in the confines of that space my heart rests with you" is so beautiful...and I feel the same way. Thank you Susan for putting words around how I'm feeling about Vicky right now. xo

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  2. I'm writing all over my Jesus Calling. Isn't that book just--so right on target! Speaks to me every time I pick it up.

    I'm so drawn to your honesty--to the Jesus in you, Vicky. Brings me to my knees.

    All my love,
    Julie--and I ADORE your new pink background!!

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    1. Me too! Love the new image on the right too :-)

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    2. Thank you Julie- I am so "blown away" that JC speaks to what seems to be happening to me on a daily basis- and yet its so universal- it speaks to many at the same time.

      Thankful for YOU!

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    3. Thank you Susan- all the work of my creative and talented friend- Karen @ This old house II :)

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  3. I want to hug you so tight sweet friend and you give all the love I have inside. Sending you strength and more strength and know that you are in my prayers always. Wishing I could do more xo

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    1. I feel your love Anyes and I would give it right back to you. All you do is perfectly enough- exactly just right for what I need :)

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  4. I am in Anchorage -- have had you on my mind so much. I posted something on FB for you but my kindle wouldn't let me share directly to your wall. Its on my wall instead. :-)

    Peace and strength to you my friend. And many prayers to our Wonderful Lord on your behalf.

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    1. *something * being a glimpse if Swissy mountains :-)

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    2. Ohhh- I would love to see it- but will wait till you can post again perhaps when you are back to your own computer :) Thank you!

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    3. And so glad you arrived safely- I was praying for you to be safe and well. Enjoy!

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  5. I've thought about you and prayed for you often this last week! Keep leaning on the Everlasting Arms!

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    1. Thank you so much Nancy- I so appreciate those words and prayers :)

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  6. Dear Vicky, I've said this before but need to again. You are blessing us all richly by daring to bring us on this journey of yours. It is easy for us to read and watch from afar, but because of your writing, we are brought into the core with you at times and are part of your journey. I hope you feel us with you. You are not alone, not by a long shot.

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    1. Thank you Roxane- for wanting to come along as you do! I do feel you- more than I can adequately say :)

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  7. You are never far from my thoughts and prayers, Vicky.

    Sending you love and hugs.

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    1. Thank you Eileen- big hugs back to you :)

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  8. Oh sweet Vicky,
    There are tears streaming down my face as I read this poignant post. Your heart in every word. I feel so honored that you share your journey with us. All week long you have been in my heart and in my prayers. I just knew in my heart of hearts that you were facing physical challenges. And I knew too that Jesus was and is with you in each and every one of them.

    These tears are tears of sadness that you are going through this and tears of gratitude that you are so real and authentic. Can you feel in your soul all of the prayers coming your way? We are prayer warriors beseeching God Almighty that you will get through this. We are asking for complete healing for you.
    WE are asking God for a miracle. We are marinating our prayers in hope and gratitude. We are all so grateful for you.

    It is just plain hard to do all of the paperwork that goes with a serious illness. I know that only too well.
    Things of this world that have to be attended to and yet holding on to hope for two more weeks+
    two more weeks +....

    I say, as I face tough challenges, "where would I be without my Jesus. How would I ever get through this?" Sometimes the unthinkable is what we are faced with. I find such comfort in know that Jesus is there, in the midst of the mess, every minute. I can turn to Him and share every feeling I am having.
    I've often thought of our dear Gitz in times when I have felt empty and spent. Like her, like you...I seek to choose JOY. Both you and I chose the same word for 2013...EMBRACE. And we are embracing it ALL.

    You are dearly loved! I love you and so do so many others.
    Your friend,
    Linda

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    1. Thank you Linda, for your heartfelt and beautiful words. They truly encourage and uplift me and I am so grateful for that. I DO feel the prayers and feel that through them and because of them, despite hard times, I haven't truly "suffered." Those prayers just keep me going!

      So glad to hear you chose the same word as I did- its teaching me a lot!

      Thank you so much sweet friend- love and blessings to you!

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  9. I have missed you this week...as always praying for His perfect peace to see you through.

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    1. Thank you Jennifer- His peace will see me through- amen.

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  10. OH, Dear friend, that I have totally ignored, immersing myself in my father. I want to come to you and just lay with you and talk or watch a movie or do nothing, oh, how I miss you. Your words to live by, you are always there and so smart and please please call me when I can come and just be with you. I love you, Me

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    1. You are welcome anytime :) When the boys are back in school and after infusion on Tuesday- later this week if you'd like you are welcome to come over! I knew how busy you were with your Dad and so grateful he has you to watch over him! I pray he is well on the way to recovery! Soon you can come :)

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  11. Oh Dear Lord, If I buy a lottery ticket, will you allow me to win, not millions, but some if I promise with my whole heart to give it all to Vicky and Family, will you please allow me to find a bundle of money for them, please, PLEASE, PLEASE find a way to lay it in front of them to use for her and them, please, Amen

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    1. You have the biggest heart Barb :) HE has provided for us in so many ways and We are resting in Him that he will continue to help us see what we can do. We are confident we can make it work!

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  12. do you know how much i love it when i see your post come up in my RSS feed reader? oh so much.

    God is near. The ever present help in time of trouble. EVER PRESENT. i've seen that this week too. we have this treasure in jars of clay, 2 cor. 4:7, to show that this all-surpassing power is from GOD and not from us! being a cracked pot means there's always a sense of fragility to living; again, i am walking this road with another friend. glad He brought you to mind this week. HE knew, more than i, that you needed to know you were missed.

    embracing chaos in your house is SO challenging, when it's a place you need to be a haven. if i lived closer, i'd come organize it for you and carve you out a little place all yours. what i thought of when i read of your need for a place like that was, "girl, throw a blanket over your head in a pinch and create a little cave!" i'm proud of you for choosing--CHOOSING--to see the good in having things not the way you'd like them to be in your domain.

    hugs hugs hugs. as the michael w. smith song says, "pray for me, and i'll pray for you." you are not alone. can't wait to hear about your upcoming event!

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    1. Thanks for being beside me through all of this. You have been close in prayer and in my thoughts. I will pray you through your trip and all the way home- all of you. I'm so thrilled and excited to see you all stepping out- so far outside of comfort and what you know- to do His work for others so far away. I too will be excited to follow you and see and hear all your experiences! Love and blessings to you!

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  13. http://www.economist.com/news/science-and-technology/21576628-surprising-new-way-kill-tumours-three-wrongs-make-right

    I always catch things at the tail end but Nova had something interesting
    I don't know if this is the segment I watched but these are three things I thought would interest you I found on the net.

    http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/next/body/nanoparticles-in-cancer-treatment/

    You know, never hurts to write or call these people and ask.Sometimes miracles happen. In fact, I know they do.I want one for you.
    Maybe they can direct you to the right place where you can get something else to help you.

    http://www.novaspivack.com/science/new-cancer-cure-may-not-get-funded-due-to-lack-of-patent

    I am still clinging onto hope for you Vicky so don't you give up.

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    1. I will go and read your links in a bit- thank you for taking the time to share them with me. Thanks for always thinking of me and supporting me Vic- it means a lot!

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  14. Is it OK that I am crying as I read this.
    I want to make everything better for you and I can't.
    I can love you from here and tell you so.
    I do.
    Always....

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    1. Jackie- you coming here helps more than you could possible know :) You are so steadfast in your love and support and I am all smiles as soon as I see you. I do worry that I am being too vulnerable at times and do not want to add burden to your sweet self. So thank you for being so brave and coming here despite how hard it is to know all of this. Love you~

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    2. You are not adding a burden to me, Vicky. On the contrary. Remember the saying:"Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow." I will be sending your Mama a card on Tuesday. I have had it here and ready to mail, and have put it off. Monday, there is no mail, so it will be going to her on Tuesday. I'm going to bend her ear about what's been happenin' here in our neck of the woods in South Jawja.
      Know that I'm thinking of you, Sister Gurl...and that He's got this!
      Love you,
      J.

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    3. Mother will love it Jackie- rest assured she will treasure it :)

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  15. I realize how hard it must be to respond the the question, "How are you feeling?" In fact, I think that's what I said to you last week when I saw you! As a cancer survivor, I realize that it is often a very difficult question to respond to! Thank you for your very brave and honest words about exactly how you are feeling, and what you are going through. That helps me know how to pray for you.

    I'm glad to hear you will be meeting with Pastor Mary. I love listening to her voice and her words- I find them very calming and reassuring.

    I will be praying for better days, and for peace and healing. Take care, dear sista!

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    1. Thank you so much Steph- it really humbles me to see how many faithfully pray. I have to say it doesn't bother me in the least when people ask me how I am - I always feel like they ask because they care. This is just one of those phases where I just haven't been able to answer with the usual "I'm fine" and usually I really am. Thinking of YOU tomorrow as we head into the new school year. Love and blessings to you!

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  16. Keeping it real,,, that's what you were doing with this post. Sharing your vulnerability with us. Yes it is hard to read, but if you must go through this, then I choose to honor you by reading the good, the bad and the ugly. Daily I think of you sweet Vicky, daily I pray for you that God gives you relief of pain, discomfort and anxiety. Hope lives.
    I enjoy the stories of your darling sons, seeing your beautiful photos, reading of such great friends and the fabulous support they offer,,,, but I would never want you not to be real with all us here, who have grown to love and care for you as a sister, niece, daughter or friend.

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    1. Janay- thank you- I follow several others with stage iv like me and its truly hard- even for me. So thank you- I feel so blessed and fortunate to have you all follow along and support me in such beautiful and meaningful ways. Hugs to you!

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  17. i was hoping to see a post on my reader this week as I looked at the new posts. This was not what I was expecting to read and yet reading all the posts together I could see it...just not wanting to at all. The many hard days you have had in the last few weeks make me weep and yet I think, if I have read you right through the miles and through the year or so I have been reading your blog, you would count it all joy and see the goodness of God in each circumstance. I pray peace for you these hard days and that they would become days of ease, and peace and healing. Praying your spirit is fed by many who love you and are grateful for your honest, sweet heart. We are blessed by you. I hope in some small way we can bless you as well. Much love, many hugs.

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    1. I'm so glad Jenny that you have that perspective. These tougher times I truly feel like I hear him saying "Draw near..." I always have my own perspective shift as I go through- even though the circumstances don't all change, my faith grows to meet me right where I am.

      Thank you for praying such sweet and loving prayers for me. I fully feel them and am so grateful to you for them! Love and blessings to you!

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  18. Vicky, you and your dear family are in our prayers! May God be with you!
    Margene

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    1. Thank you so much Margene- I truly appreciate it :)

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  19. Vicky, I have been gone all week and away from my computer (and I have a dumb phone). Hannah and I just got back tonight and I had to check on you. This was a hard post. You are facing so much. I don't want it to be so and I also want you to have a special place that feels safe and restful while you feel so poorly on the Tykerb. Praying for you tonight as I head to bed and asking God to make a way in so many DIFFERENT ways. Love you, Vicky.

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    1. Robynn- I think He heard all of you- I had such a better weekend than I anticipated and feel so replenished and better in a lot of ways- spiritually and somewhat physically. Thank you for checking in- am hopeful to hear something about your Hannah soon! Love you dear friend!

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    2. I'm so glad, Vicky. I hope infusion went well yesterday and that today does not find you too wiped out from it all. Sending love and prayers your way. Hannah is supposed to see the cardiologist this week and I'll keep you posted.

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  20. I too check everyday for your posts! I must admit I cry when I think about the pain you endure. I'm still kneeling with you...I hold your hand and pray for Gods peace and healing to flood your body and soul...and some how I know your safe...HUGS

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    1. Kay- thank you for your steadfast prayers- I truly think they have been heard and answered many times over and I so appreciate them :)

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  21. Your post makes my heart heavy. Your daily trials must be overwhelming at times. I know God is with you and is standing by your side. Your always in my prayers, Vicky. I pray the Tykerb side effects subside.

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    1. I so love seeing you here Jenny- makes me smile :) Thank you so much for your prayers- I do think I will eventually grown accustomed to the Tykerb and hopefully can remain on it for a long time to come. Will be thinking of you as we start back to school tomorrow :) Hope your school year goes well!

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  22. I did not have the courage to comment as I cried off and on for a day. But if you are going to be transparent then the least I can do is let you know that each and every time you post you change me for the better. Tears are going to be a part of this, you and I both know that. So, let me just say I crazy love you though we haven't met personally, which is why being sisters in Christ is so awesome. It's all about Jesus and loving unconditionally which you do so well sweet Vicky. I'll keep whispering your name to the One.

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  23. i never really know what to say other then letting you know that i think of you so very often and am constantly sending prayers your way.

    what you endure is beyond what i can even imagine....so i pray for your strength and stamina...and then i pray for your family, too.....xo

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I welcome what you have to say. Thanks for taking the time to grace me with your thoughts and words!

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