how to grow in your weakness

"Grow Strong in your weakness.  Some of My children I've gifted with abundant strength and stamina. Others like you have received the humble gift of frailty.  Your frailty is not a punishment, nor does it indicate a lack of faith.  On the contrary, weak ones must live by faith, depending on Me to get you through the day..." Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

I hear it all the time lately... "How are you doing?"  "Ohhh, I'm ok."  And then I don't know what to say, I don't really have a solid follow up to that right now.  

It feels like we're headed in so many new directions.

I can string together some hours in the day when essentially I feel fairly good.  But Tykerb is just dang tricky.  I can manage a few days when 4 pills might just be the right dose, until that day that sneaks up on me and flattens me with diarrhea so intense I am confined to a space just steps away from the bathroom for hours at a time, if not longer.

Then there are the days after when I think I have recovered.  I find renewed energy.  So I head out. Only to grow dizzy, lightheaded, weak and tired.  I battle dehydration often.  Our extended heat wave hasn't helped.  And with the all the changes in our house?  I don't have many places to go anymore that are quiet and restorative, unless I go to bed. So its quiet and I could blog, but don't have access to anything from that location.  (Hence the week of no posts)

The boys have taken over our living room with the computer and tv, while the "office" has overtaken the entire basement and the garage, with overflow spilling into our closets and hallways. Its worth the money it saves us on office rental fees, but we don't have it all figured out just yet.  How to live, work and find some restoration all in the same cramped space has eluded us so far.

Then theres just all the "hard" that is so difficult to talk about in a casual and offhand way.  The wills we are preparing. That day my forever friend comes to me and says "It's time."  She is my bestie, and my attorney and we both have tears when she comes to be "both" with me.  It hits me, hard, not only do I have to think about who needs to be covered by my will, but also, whose wills can I no longer be a part of?  

Rick and I lay awake long hours discussing the hows, the whys, the ways it will all be.  We all have to face this, its a normal rite of passage when you have kids and extended family to watch out for.  Its just that noise I hear that is different, hovering in the near distance- the ticking of my clock- just a little louder than some. 

Our new associate pastor called last week.  Pastor Mary and I will have coffee in a couple of weeks. She called to say she has just read my OTMOM magazine article, and perhaps her and I should get to know one another better? I stifle the urge to shush the ticking clock, while embracing the fact she wants to come spend time with me. 

Sanford finance also popped back onto the scene.  It will take closing out our benefit fund and most of our savings to pay off our current bill.  I'm relieved we have enough to do so.  Its been 2 and 1/2 years where the generosity of others has seen us through.  I feel nothing but gratitude and hope for our future, as we begin to chart our new direction again.  We've been sent a stack of paper work to fill out so Sanford can determine how best to help us.  Stay tuned... 

I thought I'd leave you with a hint of a surprise event coming my way in the upcoming months.  

We attended a wedding reception at Rustic Oaks last Thursday night.  It's a beautiful retreat center that uses a barn that has been redone but still has most of its "bones" in tact.  I can't wait to shoot more photos to share of the whole property. 

The reception was a sneak preview of a place that I will attend again in the near future.  It has something to do with me and Dr. Panwalkar, oh and a group of women.  Will be back again soon with more details to come! 

Thank you to all of you who have reached out to me this past week.  It can get lonely and a person can feel isolated after spending so much time tucked away.  I will try to figure out a blogging solution so long lapses don't occur.  I miss it too much- along with all of you.

Tuesday is our first day of school...  I will also see Dr. P and have infusion... be back soon.  

~All shall be well~

"I am developing your ability to trust Me, to lean on Me, rather than your own understanding.  Your natural preference is to plan our your day, knowing what will happen when.  My preference if for you to depend on Me continually, trusting Me to guide you and strengthen you as needed.  This is how you grow in your weakness."

August 31, Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young