I'm finding that when I truly embrace the moment I am in, it isn't always filled with happy. Or calm. Or easy. In fact, it downright stinks at times.
But I have also discovered, sometimes, oftentimes, by embracing all that the moments have to offer, the unexpected asserts itself. The thing you couldn't have named, asked for, or dreamt of- comes hurtling your way.
I had hoped for some symptom relief yesterday. When I called Andrea, she alluded to some prescriptions or skipping a dose perhaps. So, I prayed for a new prescription, or a lowered dosage maybe. I waited for a return call from the nurse, all day yesterday. I was miserable. Time was ticking away- and soon I'd be faced with taking my next dose.
If my cancer needs to be knocked back, I have to continue on somehow. My human brain can't see inside to know exactly what I need. I prayed for a nudge from God.
You all kept me company with your encouragement.
Planted the idea that something would change- somehow I'd know.
Hours later... I got up to let Crosby outside. I sat with him, coaxing and begging him to just try a few bites of food. And he finally allowed me to place some in his mouth. And then he took a few more. Then, he lazily went over to his water dish and lapped up water. He drank to his fill.
Crosby sensed something.
My stomach still churned and we were back lying down in short order.
It was almost 4 when the phone rang.
Andrea repeated Dr. Panwalkar's instructions to me. He said to STOP taking the Xeloda. To go ahead with whatever meds I needed to calm my stomach. To come in and get fluids if I needed at the infusion center. To call back in the morning if I wasn't feeling somewhat better.
And to have a nice trip.
So I then ask, but do I start back on the Xeloda, Wednesday? Or Thursday?
No, she says, you don't need to start back on it until AFTER your trip. Just go and enjoy it.
Dr P. will see you the day after you get back and then we will figure out a reduced dose for you.
Its relief and I fully feel it. It feels like pure gift.
My stomach churns and roils all night long and I don't even care.
I feel His tender mercies... in this holy week...
We're going... soon... we're going.