Monday, March 11, 2013

Change = hope (and an update)



Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don't. - Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free



We left last Thursday for St. Paul, MN and the opening round of the 2013 MN State Hockey Tournament.  Our high school team, the Moorhead Spuds were scheduled to take on another northern team, the Duluth East Hounds.  

We left at 6 am and were treated to temps warming as we drove and a beautiful sun lighting up the sky.  It set the tone for a magical, fun, exciting, live-your-moments full- 4 days of hockey madness.  

We ate too much, slept too little, laughed way hard, and celebrated all the moments in between.  

I wanted to capture it all- each person- each moment- each memory.

But, here's a small sampling of the friends, the places, the fun, the memories- the people I love and treasure who always, above everything else, make me feel like I matter, with tons of loving gestures.

Most of the pics are from my phone - some are grainy and blurry, out of focus, lacking light, etc.  I don't care.  They froze the moments I want to cherish and remember and that is all that really counts in the end.




















Congrats Spuds- Consolation Champs!








I was expecting the call from Dr. P.  I was not expecting the news he had to share with me.  The study will not "unblind" their results for me so that I can find out if I had Pertuzumab or not.  He called it "borderline unethical" that they won't tell me.

Bottom line, it means we can't risk right now, taking a drug that I may have already had that eventually failed.  

So I will have to go with his plan B drug of choice- Xeloda.  Its a good drug.  Its an oral pill I take several times a day.  I will start next week. 

But this drug carries more side effects: nausea, diarrhea, hand and foot syndrome (crack, peel, bleed), mouth sores, metalic taste in mouth, lowered blood counts and the possibility of thinning hair or hair loss (smaller chance for total hair loss.) 

I was subdued after the call for a bit, not quite ready to face the possibility of not feeling well again.  But then I leaned into my own words- and just decided to live my moments full, despite what may or may not happen.  



What I like most about change is that it’s a synonym for “hope”. If you are taking a risk, what you are really saying is, “I believe in tomorrow and I will be part of it.” – Linda Ellerbee




42 comments:

  1. Vicky, your positive heart and mind, your desire to live your moments - are all contagious! As is your grace and love for your dear friends and family!

    So glad you had a fun weekend! So glad you share your journey - you teach me all the time to lean in - and not miss a thing!

    Love you!
    xoTiffany

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    1. Tiffany- I hope you fully know that you in turn teach me so much too :) Love you girlie~

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  2. Vicky, Your weekend sounds wonderful Honey.

    When I read about Dr. P's call my second reaction was that God is in control. He knows what drug you need...I have to bottom-line it that way. I'm hanging onto faith that He's Got This...sigh.
    However, my first reaction was a flare of anger...how dare they not unblind the study results for you...what's more important here!!!

    But back to Who's in control...not the doctors or scientists who conducted the study. You belong to the God who created the universe and He's Got This...Love u

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    1. Robin~ ME TOO~ anger at first and then the why's and should I accept or try to fight it somehow~ and then surrender and yes, that thought that He knows the bigger plan. Faithfully following the new plan and trusting... Thank you for reminding me Who is truly in charge :)

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  3. Everything Robin and Tiffany said and hugs and love from me. Not wanting you to have any side-effects and very aggravated about the study but then here we are at the end of ourselves. And right there is where we stop and fall into the graceful arms of God.

    So glad for your fun time with family and dear friends and praying for strength and peace. You are loved.

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    1. Robynn~ "here we are at the end of ourselves." Love that~ falling~ yes~ that too. Are you well Robynn? So happy to see you here and praying you are feeling better. xxoo

      You, dear one, are loved too :)

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  4. Friend, praying that somehow this was meant to be, even though frustration reigns and 'borderline unethical' seems a light way to put it. Praying the side effects hang on the mild side, and the drug does it's job - we have to believe, have to hope, in an eternal loving God who has His hand on the whole situation - right down to which drug is used. Your eternal edge of optimism and mention of hope continue to spur me on in my ever shaky faith. Your down to earth attitude, love for your family and community is so refreshing - just so heartwarming. You are not just an inspiration because of what life has dealt you and how you are handling it - you are one of those people that are inspiring. Period. Outside of illness, amidst hard things, you are just one of those exceptional people that make me want to be better...I think everyone's encouraging words and praise for you isn't simply just a bit of applause and cheering during heavy things - it's a holy crap! this person is AWESOME!

    Um, and everything aside...I love the fact that it's the Moorhead "SPUDS" vs the East Duluth "HOUNDS." Straight out of a storybook, friend.

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    1. Cheyenne~ "meant to be..." Yes~ my prayer as well. Honestly- your faith does not sound shaky in the slightest- and your words give me strength that is hard to express in words. Let me just say a humble thank you~ your words touch me~ more than you could possibly know~ I am blessed and touched.

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  5. What a lovely post Vicky!

    I just love the saying you had there and will borrow it if you don't mind.
    No moment from my God is a rock of burden
    It's just a rock waiting to be broken apart into stepping stones.

    God Bless with the new drug. Hope it works cause then the side effects are worth it.
    The aim of the game is to get better and beat the devil!!
    which is what this cancer is.

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    1. So true Vic- I just need to believe that this was the drug I was meant to take and that I will tolerate it just fine and it will work!

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  6. Loved seeing the photos you shared. Such a awesome weekend with lots of memories.
    Hopefully the new meds won't give you the side effects that might come along with it. Our prayers shall be that the side effects are very minimal and that this drug beats that cancer still left in your body! Hugs!

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    1. Thank you Verna- that seems to be the exact prayer I will need and I appreciate so much your willingness to pray for me :)

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  7. Your strength, HOPE, and heart are amazing and inspiring. My first reaction was ANGER that they would not tell you the results!!!!!!!!!!!! Hoe do they get away with that. But, ultimately, it is all in God's hands. XO, Pinky

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    1. Studies get away with a lot of things that make us cringe... but ultimately they do more good than anything and even though they make it hard, I think we have to keep the good in focus :) Thanks for the encouragement Pinky- xxoo

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  8. "ate too much, slept too little, laughed way hard" - best kind of trip for sure!

    I know this treatment is not what you were hoping for, and I dread those side effects for you, but you can do it (and that chemo is going to do it's job, side effects and all).

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    1. True- not hoped for, but know the blessing is in there despite its not what I thought. Am just going to try and keep believing- its all any of us can do really :)

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  9. Plan B can be the plan that God had in store for you all along.
    As you continue your embracing of each step, know that you are being embraced yourself. I hug you real good.
    It is so good to see the beautiful smiles that you have in the photos, Vicky. Continued blessings to you and your sweet family...
    Love you, my friend.
    Jackie

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    1. So true Jackie- it may have been God's plan A all along :) Thank you for your kind words and love always Jackie.

      Love you too~

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  10. Sounds like your trip was perfect Vicki - lots of good friends, good food, sleep and not forgetting some great competition. Congrats to the boys on a job well done.

    All of this will have filled up your reserves to do what comes next.

    I cannot understand that they wouldn't tell you the results - how horrible. But, I am sure God's hand has intervened and the new treatment will have more of an impact. How right you are. You ride the waves so expertly you know, no matter how bumpy the journey. You embrace it all as you intended.

    I do not know where you are finding your quotes but they are so profound always. They fit so perfectly with your posts. "You can only take control of what you do have power over". If we all just did that then how much more effective would we all be. Most of our life we spend worrying about the what ifs, if only, etc etc. I recall my father telling me that, the life lesson he passed to me was 90% of the stuff you worry about never comes to pass anyway.

    Your photos are wonderful, particularly the one of you and your Superman and your adorable sleepy boy. Love Lilly xx

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    1. Lilly- I love to read- and often highlight quotes or will copy and paste ones I see or read online into an online journal that I keep. I am glad they resonate with you as well. Your father was WISE- I think that is spot on- so much of what we worry about never comes to fruition- thank you for that reminder- I will take it with me :)

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  11. Everything happens for a reason, Vicky. And, I believe that God knows which drug you need at this time. I don't understand why you can't see the results which have to do with you but God does. We just have to lean really hard on our Faith when we have questions or don't understand.

    It was wonderful to see your pictures! I'm so happy that you had such a great weekend!!! Continue to embrace each day with living fully and know that you have many people praying for you!

    Love and hugs, Eileen

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    1. Eileen~ so true~ I rely sometimes on my own thinking and it does not serve me well :) I'm opening my hands in release once again and relying on His plan. Thank you for your sweet words :) Hugs to you friend :)

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  12. I know both drugs too well my friend! ;) I will help you with all my side effect fixes. I know you will do great.

    Take care,
    Michelle

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    1. Michelle~ ahhh~ I will gladly take your tips and tricks for the side effects if/when I get some! Thanks for your vote of confidence :) Love to you~

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  13. You make me smile! your previose post was amazing and heart wrenching to hear...but all you write inspires! I just find you utterly amazing. Prayers, good thoughts,vibes and positivity still comming your way!

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    1. Peggy- and I am very humbled by your gracious words- thank you. xxoo

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  14. Praying a hedge of protection and JOY as you start this new road. Believing you are being shown the right path to take here. Thankful for your great perspective and a great watering for your soul this weekend.

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    1. Jenny- yes- believing with you. Thank you for that specific prayer :) Love that- "watering for your soul," yes- truly it was!

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  15. I, too, believe that everything happens for a reason. If it were me, I'd like the chance to take the new drug. You may not experience all those side effects. Hoping and praying that this one is the answer! And, yes, your thoughts and perspective touch so many lives (me included) and you help us as much as everyone helps you!

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    1. Thank you Genny- if any small thing I say or do helps someone- then everything I go through is worth it to me. And yes- I always prepare for the worst while hoping for the best when I start a new drug.

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  16. Is it ok to say that I'm kinda disgusted that they will not unblind the study so that your doctor could make the most informed decision regarding your treatment? I do think that sucks.

    That being said, I also think you are in the care of an awesome Dr., that in itself must be such a relief. Wishing you the best possible outcome and the least possible side effects with this new treatment...

    and let me tell you, you look wonderful, truly you are amazing. So glad you had such a great Hockey weekend with friends and family. This is the "stuff of dreams".

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    1. Yes- I think shock, horror, disgust, anger- all of those are appropriate responses- just ugh! I was there for a bit- and then I just had to let go- I have to refocus and go back to hope - its where my strength lies. "The stuff of dreams," yep, I think so too- am hopeful I have many more state hockey tourneys in my future :)

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  17. Glad it was an eat much, play hard weekend. Maybe Plan B is God's Plan A, but not unblinding does stink. And I too love your quotes.

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    1. I love that ~ yes, maybe God's plan A is my plan B~ I'm taking that with me too- thank you! Glad you like the quotes- they inspire me a lot :)

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  18. From the photos, it looked like a fun 4 days. Have I said you hockey mom's are crazy, before? I'm kidding of course. Lots of smiles in those shots, thats what it is all about.
    Again, your attitude with everything is soo impressive and inspiring to so many people.

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    1. Ha ha Mark- yes, crazy is spot on and we wouldn't have it any other way :) So good to see you here- I need to come catch up with you :)

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  19. You know you have a good doctor when he is willing to tell you when something within the field of medicine is borderline unethical. Not that I wish you would have heard that, but it sounds like he's really and truly looking out for your best interests, Vicky. With hair, without hair, feeling good, feeling poorly, I'm happy you're in my life and I look forward to our next get together. And I'm still praying, hoping for hair and happy. Hugs and love, Roxane

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    1. Thank you Roxane, for always meeting me right where I am and where I may or may not be :) Hugs back to you!

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  20. You are a lovely woman with a beautiful family. I applaud your courage and strength with this battle you are fighting.

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    1. Thank you Denise- so kind of you to take the time to leave such a thoughtful comment- I appreciate it!

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  21. So happy for your fun filled hockey weekend! Love that picture of your tuckered out baby boy-----so sweet!
    Disappointed in the whole not giving you the if you were on the drug or not thing---you are obviously a much bigger person than I.
    Always in my thoughts and prayers!!!!

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    1. Janay- I've just put the whole drug thing on the back burner for now- it hasn't gone away- I just need to do research and make some phone calls perhaps and decipher if or when I may be able to find out. Thanks for those thoughts and prayers!

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