Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Just Write...

Joining Heather today for the 67th installment of Just Write:


Fear embraces...

I lift my arms to enfold my youngest in a hug and pain ensues as the back of my arm tightens and pulls.

The tingling in my arm begins in earnest when I lay down at night to go to sleep.  Its when I go to change the bandage over my wound that I notice the swelling under my arm. I slide my fingers across the rippled remnants of my mastectomy scar and I feel the hard ridge of the now walnut sized lymph node growing in the valley of my armpit.  Its hard not to let the panic swell within.  You'd think I'd be used to this.  You'd think I could tell my mind to hush and not create a saga of worry and fear.  But even when my mind stills, my heart thumps loudly and I grow shaky all over- my body betrays my mind time and again.

It must shine through my eyes at times.  When my anti-anxiety meds are running low, I go to the pharmacy for a refill.  Its been months since I've needed them other than for sleep at night.

With the convenience of Rick's office having been so close to the pharmacy, I have only picked up a refill on occasion.  But the pharmacist recognizes me instantly.  You're Vicky, she says.  Yes, I say.  How does she know me?  Should I know her?  The holes in my memory are like swiss cheese some days.  A combination of chemo brain and radiation to the head with - oh yeah- shutting down my estrogen and I marvel that I know very much anymore at all.

The pharmacist quickly looks up my meds and states that I am out of refills on this prescription and she'll have to call the clinic.  But somewhere my frayed nerves must show as she scans my eyes.  Quickly and quietly she says- but I can give you a week's worth to get you by until the script can be filled.  Calm embraces as I grip both the bottle and the key to my sanity locked away in the tiniest white pills.

I will see Dr. Panwalkar next Monday.  I have a medium-sized appointment for a super sized list of questions for him.  What if?  How will?  When?  What will we do?  As my panic rises, its grace that wraps me in an embrace again.  He is on hospital service that week and the scheduler had to finagle a gap in his afternoon for me to be able to see him- but I will get to see him. I know, he will know the answers.

Fear embraces... and I don't have to embrace back.  I lean in, with my arm taught and tingling, damaged and broken, and its Grace that I embrace.  And I feel the full weight of Grace embracing me back.  

42 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Thank you so much- I am feeling all the love and prayers...

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  2. Prayers that His peace will embrace you and carry you.

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    1. Thank you so much Susan- feeling embraced.

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  3. Okay, it is time for some wine intervention! I tried to comment on your last post how I loved your new word. I am so sorry you are all having all these yucky feelings. xoxo

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    1. Ahh thanks girlie- I do have book club coming- does that count for "intervention?" "This too shall pass..."

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  4. All I want to do is hug you! I want to embrace you and let you know how much I feel your heart in these words.

    Saying prayers for you Vicky! Sending you love and peace.

    xoTiffany

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    1. Thank you sweet friend- I am virtually hugging you right back... love to you

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  5. Sending you love and strength.
    TeresaL.

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  6. My heart races with you, my breath catches for you.

    And bless that pharmacist! Because we're in a small town, they know me by name and always tell me how glad they are when it's been a while since I've visited.

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    1. Ahhh- the blessings of a small town pharmacy- ours feels like a neighborhood pharmacy- definitely tiny but lots of quality care. Thinking of you...

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  7. May you feel Gods love surround you and give you peace. Hugs to you!

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  8. May you feel Gods love surround you and give you peace. Hugs to you!

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  9. From across the miles, I am sending you a hug, Vicky along with a large dose of love and prayers. God is always right there with you...hand your fear over to Him.

    Eileen xxoo

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    1. I feel those prayers Eileen, thank you so much- am working on just leaving the fear with him...

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  10. Sending you love, light and a gentle, virtual embrace, Vicky.

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    1. Thank you Bonnie- am feeling the light and am embracing you right back~

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  11. Oh Vicky, I'm feeling your struggles. Just know that all your blogger friends are connected to you. I will pray that you feel better mentally & physically.

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    1. Thank you for that kind reminder Lisa- I do feel all of you with me- I covet those prayers~

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  12. You have friends from all over, and I feel comfortable saying that we all love and embrace you and hope that you feel that love every single moment.
    God bless the pharmacist's sweet heart as she read your eyes and filled your needs. Take care of you, sweet friend.
    Love,
    Jackie

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    1. Thank you Jackie~ I feel your heart and love in all of your words~ thank you for always taking the time to leave them for me. Love you sweet one...

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  13. Oh Vicky, I just want to give you a great big hug! You are on my mind, and in my prayers. Please know I am thinking of you, sweet friend.

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    1. Thank you Jen- I'd be hugging you right back sweet one~

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  14. As I read this I truly wish I could do more than pray and send you big blog hugs across all the miles.

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    1. Oh Marla- I so relate to that feeling- but please know I believe your prayers truly help and I'm so appreciative of them...

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  15. Such beautiful writing....Sending positive thoughts your way.

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    1. Thanks Mark- I'll take all the positivity I can get...

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  16. Sending prayers your way, I am glad the pharmacist gave you your perscription to help with your pain. You are always in my thoughts. sending you a hug my dear friend.

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    1. Thank you so much Cinner- hugs to you...

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  17. BIG prayers and BIG hugs...you are so loved...I hold you in my heart and prayers every day.

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    1. Thank you Kay- I feel the love through your words- so appreciative...

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  18. Replies
    1. Thank you Kris, I feel all of your prayers- they are such a comfort...

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  19. Oh, Vicky, thinking of you and praying for you as well.

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    1. Thank you Becky, I covet those prayers...

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  20. This post, these words, your heart, your honesty... took my breath.
    I love you-I'm praying

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  21. Sending you hope, good dreams and light, to beat the darkness.
    Sending you peace and joy, strength and power, to beat the darkness.
    Sending you love and prayers to keep you safe, so you can beat this irritation and chase him out.
    Keep up the good fight dear girl.

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  22. Thinking of you and praying often!
    TeresaL

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I welcome what you have to say. Thanks for taking the time to grace me with your thoughts and words!

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