Saturday, August 18, 2012

Too much

I can't pinpoint the exact day.  At first I blamed it on the new shoes and the long hours spent on my feet.  I remember the night I spent dress shopping for the funeral and the sudden inability to lift and carry a stack of dresses I wanted to try on.  Finding a dress on sale for 16 dollars assuaged any discomfort I had.  Besides, we were all clearly grieving and I had no doubt every ache and pain could be chalked up to our deep sense of loss.

But last week the ache grew more pronounced in my back.  I favored my blue chair again, pressing my spine into the sturdy back, willing relief to flood over me.  I started taking a couple of advil, and the edge wore off, but the dull throbbing returned quickly.

Yesterday, I made it till 10 am before pushing the shopping cart at Target became more than I bargained for.  With pain now burning- stinging between my shoulder blades, the boys grabbed the last of their school supplies as I fumbled through my purse for Dr. Panwalkar's number.

My call was directed to a nurse who assessed the situation.

Did I injure my back somehow?  No, not that I can recall.

Was I in pain when I performed activity?  Yes.  But no amount of sitting still was helping me either.

After a few more questions she agreed to run my symptoms past Dr. Panwalkar.

Moments later she called me back.

Dr. Panwalkar would like for you to have an MRI.  Have you had one before?

I bite my tongue as I assure her I have.  But when I mention sedation, she draws a blank.  Sigh...

3 more calls ensue.  Its Friday, almost 5:30 when Dr. Panwalkar's nurse calls to inform me the Monday appointment they gave me does not include sedation.

Whether its the pain I can't quite get under control or the frazzled nerves that go along with it, I'm near tears when they tell me I'm re-scheduled for Tuesday at 2 pm.

I have infusion at 8:30 that morning for 1 1/2 hours then sedation beginning at 1:00 pm.  They assure me I should have enough time in between.

But what they don't know, is that its Nolan's orientation day for middle school, and Rick will be out of town all week.

Logically, I know my friends will come through.  I know we will manage fine.  But the tears fall anyway, knowing sometimes it just feels like too much.

I opt for pain medication and snuggle in for the night with the dog... reminded some things remain just right.



51 comments:

  1. I share your tears...prayers for you my friend! Although it is tough, rest...rest...rest! I have more to say, but I am going to hope over to Facebook and send a personal message to you. In His name--Kim

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  2. ohhhh Vicky. I will pray for you this weekend and Tuesday. And I will be thinking of you especially on Tuesday... I am thankful for scans but ugh I hate them.
    XO,
    Michelle

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    1. Michelle- thank you for the prayers- yes- the scans are no fun at all...

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  3. Oh Vicky, it is too much. I hope blogging helps as you know that there are many of us out there who you do not know that are reading and following and hoping for the very best for you and your family. Hugs.

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    1. Thank you so much Joan- its true I don't know who is out there following along- but I do feel the prayers and am so thankful and appreciative. Hugs to you

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  4. oh vicky....i share your tears with you. it is too much and you have every right to feel
    a bit defeated, a bit deflated, a bit pissed off about all of it.

    please know that we are all thinking of you, praying with you and for you, and thankful that
    you have the largest group of angels i've ever seen, who will make sure that nolan is more than taken
    care of on orientation day.

    the biggest hugs.......

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Beth- you somehow put the best words to the exact way I have been feeling- and yes the angel friends have all offered their services again... its a rare and special thing to have such love and support exactly when you need it the most. Hugs to you

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  5. Sweet Vicky, my heart aches for your pain and tears are swelling in my eyes. Sending you love and strength. You have been in my prayers and I know even if it does not seem this way right now, everything will be right
    xoxoxo hugs and love to you

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    1. Anyes- I have been wondering about you so often- so relieved to see you here today- and also instantly brought flutters of joy- thank you for your kind and gracious words-

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  6. Vicky I am so sorry that you are enduring pain both physical and emotional. Prayers for you through this time. I hope the time passes quickly with great reports. That is my prayer.

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    1. Thank you Donna- I appreciate your prayers-

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  7. My sweetheart,

    oh understand your tears and I also have tears in my eyes I read about your pain.

    I am thinking about you and your boys.

    You are a wonderfull mom!

    Bussals
    Mimi

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    1. Bussals sweet friend xxoo- thank you

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  8. Oh Vicky, how I wish I lived a bit closer so I could personally give you a helping hand and a hug! I wish I could take your pain away! But, since I live miles and miles away, I can pray and let you know you are on my thoughts and prayers! Hugs!rest as much as possible.

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    1. Those prayers mean so much to me Verna- thank you- hugs to you

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  9. Oh this is truly a terrible time for you. You can't be in five places at the same time. Best to be where they can help you get better, so you get to be at other and more, events with family and friends.It's hard on you and also on the boys but they will always want their Mama . Mama has to learn to slow down and give her body a chance to fight.You are running full speed ahead. Heck, even the ferry boat breaks down at that rate and needs a little maintenance now and then. :)
    Let's hope it's nothing.
    Darn it!!!

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    1. Hey Vic- I am taking it easy I promise- lots of time sitting or laying with the heating pad on top of pain meds and some advil- its helping...

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  10. Hearing your heart in this and continuing to pray.

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    1. Thank you for your ever faithful prayers-

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  11. From a little town in Ohio, you have a follower. I have come to know this unasked-for-journey of a brave, honest, faith-filled, struggling, fun, smart, self-less dedicated mom, wife and friend (who also happens to have a gift of writing!). My life is touched in the telling of yours. Please know that though mostly I am a quiet reader, I share your burden and PRAY. Margi

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    1. Margi- your words truly blessed me today- thank you. I'm honored that you see me in that way flawed and broken but trying with faith and hope- just like everyone else to live a real life. Thank you for following along and sharing the burden and praying-

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  12. I wish I could give you a hug and make it all go away!
    I pray for you each day.
    Use your friends, I know they would want to help.
    Bless you,
    Kris

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    1. Thank you Kris- I feel those prayers and they truly help me every day- blessings to you

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  13. Oh yes - too much. Wish I had a magic wand. Hoping for the best possible MRI results. Big hug.

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  14. I wish words would help you feel better, I would just keep writing. Thinking of you.

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    1. Seeing you here truly does give my spirits a lift- thank you

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  15. You are there, and I am here, and that breaks my heart, my friend. It does. I wish I lived closer so that I could do more for you. We've (hubby and I) been away for a while. (Our 40th wedding anniversary was this past week and we've been spending time away together.) I've missed reading about your and your sweet family, and as I pulled up my blog posts this evening, my heart hurts knowing that my friend Vicky is hurting. I pray for the most comfort that our Lord will send to you at this very moment. My prayer for my sweet friend: "Please, Lord...give Vicky an extra measure of Your Love and Tenderness and help her through this rough time she is experiencing. Lord, as she goes through her infusion, then her sedation for her MRI, and her sweet Nolan goes to his open house at middle school, would You please be with her in a Mighty and Miraculous way...please, Dear Lord. Be with Vicky on Tuesday. I pray this in the name of Jesus, thanking You for what You have already done and will continue to do in our lives. Thank you, Lord. Amen."
    Vicky...I will continue to pray...diligently. Let me know (via email) if there is anything else that I can do for you or your family. I am a long way from you distance-wise...but as close as a heartbeat as your Sister in Christ.
    Love,
    J.

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    1. Miss Jackie- congratulations on the anniversary- I am so glad you are with Jack and have been spending time together. Your friendship and prayers are everything to me- thank you for the blessing of your words today- they lift my spirits so-

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  16. Ah, darn. I'm so sorry for bump -- and a painful one at that. Oh Vicky. I'm amping up the prayers, wishing for grace and mercy as you move through this next question mark. You are loved!

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    1. Thank you Roxane- you all make me feel loved and wrapped in prayer-

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  17. Praying for details and peace to reign in your home right this moment and over the weekend. Interceeding...

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    1. Thank you Jenny- I appreciate it so much-

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  18. Vicky, I wish I could just take all that hurt and pain away. Please, please know I'm thinking of you and sending many warm hugs. You're in my prayers sweet friend.

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    1. Thank you Jen- I appreciate all of those prayers and good thoughts- hugs to you

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  19. Oh Vicky. This is all too much. I know that all of your friends and blog readers wish they could help remove every bit of your pain and burden. Hoping for the best for you and the boys everyday. xo chels

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    1. Chelsea- thank you- appreciate the uplifting message- thanks for staying hopeful with me-

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  20. Oh dear! I wasn't expecting this at all. In addition to Advil, do pain relieving balms like Bengay help? I will pray all is well on Tuesday.

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  21. Oh, it is definitely too much. I was hoping for more of a respite for you. Grateful that you have people in your life that can help, but sad that you need them.

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  22. I'm so sorry Vicky. I just want to scoop you and your boys up and give you a big hug! Praying for you!

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  23. Oh, Vicky. Just thinking of you and praying for you tonight and throughout this week.

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  24. Vicky, you can do anything....you are strong and full of life. Go there on Tuesday with your chin held high...you can get through this my friend. I'll be thinking of you.

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  25. If I could help you and be there, I would Vicky. But, not living anywhere near you, all I can offer is my prayers. Be rest assured that I will be praying you through this, my friend.

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  26. BIG hug!

    I emailed you also!

    xoTiffany

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  27. Vicky I am thinking of you always, and praying for another bright outcome...:)

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  28. Praying for you, Vicky! Believe me, I know that panic and that feeling when it seems that everything seems wrong. But when we walk with our hand in His, somehow it is all right and we can rest ---- just as that dog is doing!!!! I had to smile when I saw that. Somehow, my hyper-active, super bad Buster would sleep with me, right by my side, when I went through it all. I found great comfort in his faithfulness. I don't know how, but he seemed to know all was well. Wish I could hug you right now and walk with you through this time. Just know I'm praying you through tomorrow!

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  29. Will be down at the throne lifting you up!

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  30. My heart breaks that you are in so much pain. I'm praying for you!

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  31. THinking of you... hoping for the best possible answer to this newly intensified pain. Much love sent your way today..

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  32. Oh my word.....I'm really, really glad I know the outcome of this post. Can't imagine what you must have gone through wondering and can't REALLY imagine they would even think to schedule you for an MRI sans sedation. I'd never make it, either. So this is your bulge. I LOVE that bulging disc!

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