Too much

I can't pinpoint the exact day.  At first I blamed it on the new shoes and the long hours spent on my feet.  I remember the night I spent dress shopping for the funeral and the sudden inability to lift and carry a stack of dresses I wanted to try on.  Finding a dress on sale for 16 dollars assuaged any discomfort I had.  Besides, we were all clearly grieving and I had no doubt every ache and pain could be chalked up to our deep sense of loss.

But last week the ache grew more pronounced in my back.  I favored my blue chair again, pressing my spine into the sturdy back, willing relief to flood over me.  I started taking a couple of advil, and the edge wore off, but the dull throbbing returned quickly.

Yesterday, I made it till 10 am before pushing the shopping cart at Target became more than I bargained for.  With pain now burning- stinging between my shoulder blades, the boys grabbed the last of their school supplies as I fumbled through my purse for Dr. Panwalkar's number.

My call was directed to a nurse who assessed the situation.

Did I injure my back somehow?  No, not that I can recall.

Was I in pain when I performed activity?  Yes.  But no amount of sitting still was helping me either.

After a few more questions she agreed to run my symptoms past Dr. Panwalkar.

Moments later she called me back.

Dr. Panwalkar would like for you to have an MRI.  Have you had one before?

I bite my tongue as I assure her I have.  But when I mention sedation, she draws a blank.  Sigh...

3 more calls ensue.  Its Friday, almost 5:30 when Dr. Panwalkar's nurse calls to inform me the Monday appointment they gave me does not include sedation.

Whether its the pain I can't quite get under control or the frazzled nerves that go along with it, I'm near tears when they tell me I'm re-scheduled for Tuesday at 2 pm.

I have infusion at 8:30 that morning for 1 1/2 hours then sedation beginning at 1:00 pm.  They assure me I should have enough time in between.

But what they don't know, is that its Nolan's orientation day for middle school, and Rick will be out of town all week.

Logically, I know my friends will come through.  I know we will manage fine.  But the tears fall anyway, knowing sometimes it just feels like too much.

I opt for pain medication and snuggle in for the night with the dog... reminded some things remain just right.