Monday, October 6, 2014

mountain climbing and the heart of possibility

"We always have the ability to shine our soul’s light, access a greater reality and live in the heart of possibility."  Panache Desai





Midmorning Friday, my phone rang.  It lit up with the Sanford number and I right away suspected it would be him.

It was.

"Hi Vicky, Panwalkar here.  How are you?"  

We quickly get past the pleasantries.  He knows I am waiting to hear.

He jumps right in.

"Your scan, Vicky, the two brain tumors, are more prominent now."

"And the third one?"  I ask.  "What about that third spot."

"Oh, he says.  "Just give me a minute to pull it up on my screen."  Minutes pass, as I hear his computer working.  He mumbles a quick "sorry, it takes so long."  

He also uses this time to ask me about the retreat.  "Shelby, (Dr. Terstreip) told me you were speaking again.  How did it go?"

"We had a great day~" I tell him enthusiastically, "just great."

"I am sorry I couldn't attend this year," he says apologetically.

I assure him it was fine.

Finally the scan has loaded and he reads the report.

"That third spot may have been a blood vessel or something, but it is not showing on this scan. So its just those two spots."

"So, what would you like to do?" He asks.

Oh dear.  He is asking me?  

I know he is wondering if I've read up on treatments of this nature.  And the truth is?  I haven't wanted to go there.  

I know there are no chemotherapy agents left, that cross the blood brain barrier. I've tried the others already.

And radiation to my brain?  Well I've successfully done that twice.  But two times, is already exceeding the limits of how much radiation a body should take.

So three times?  Is this even an option? I'm stuck trying to see this one through.

And so is Dr. Panwalkar.

He either isn't ready to tell me what I don't want to hear… or he hopes maybe someone can muster some idea of something that can be done.

"Would you like to see what Dr. Foster thinks?"  

I agree that I would.  

Dr. Foster has one opening Tuesday, tomorrow after my infusion.

I pray he has an answer I can live with.  I pray he has an answer so I can live.  

Will you pray for my aching heart?  My restless and searching mind?  For Dr. Foster, to somehow help me through this?

Ultimately, I know its still in HIS hands.  

When I open my Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young, I'm bowed down with these words for today:

Be willing to follow wherever I lead.  Follow Me wholeheartedly… Though you don't know what lies ahead, I know; and that is enough! Some of My richest blessings are just around the bend: out of sight, but nonetheless real. To receive these gifts you must walk by faith-not by sight

Sometimes I lead you up a high mountain with only My hand to support you.  The higher you climb, the more spectacular the view becomes; also, the more keenly you sense your separation from the world.  This frees you to experience exuberantly the joyous reality of My Presence.  Give yourself fully to those Glory moments, awash in dazzling Light.  I will eventually lead you down the mountain, back into community with others. Let My Light continue to shine within you as you walk among people again.  




Our fundraising site continues to be such a joy and source of light to us.  

Thank you for loving us so.   


Will be back with updates as soon as I can.  


























35 comments:

  1. Oh How I love your heart! Mountain climbing... and the heart of possibility! The fact you even realize... 'possibility' for it is there!! and there may been even more solution's for what can be done....maybe cutting edge solution's but I feel storngly the right one will make itself knowen.... Many prayers for your aching heart and restless/ searching mind. So scarry to be unsure and not know....so scarry to wonder...so loading you up with prayers for peace and answers and prayers for your whole family and also loading you up with much much love.... It is in HIS hands...and he knows your heart! love you lady

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    1. I'm still replaying your dream for me, your vision. I'm holding on to that and yes, resting in His hands. I don't think there will be an "easy" answer, but I am holding on to how much He has seen me through already. Love you sweet friend~

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  2. I will pray...God holds you in the palm of HIS hand!!! Your strength in this has carried me through many storms these last few months!! God is faithful! Love and Hugs from your Oregon friend!

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    1. Kay- thank you- love and hugs right back to you~

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  3. Oh sweet friend, I am bathing you in prayers. God has not brought you this far just to leave you stranded. He has you in the palm of His mighty hand! Sending love and hugs.

    "A strong positive mental attitude will create more miracles than any wonder drug". ~Patricia Neal

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  4. Thoughts, prayers and well wishes.

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  5. Please know I will be Praying, Praying, Praying....

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  6. Oh my dear friend,
    I wish I was right there so I could make you a cup of tea and give you a giant hug that lasted so long it would soak up your fear. So understandable to be scared. Not easy to hear the words...the two brain tumors are more prominent now.

    What I know for sure is that God is bigger than any MRI. You are God's daughter and He will not leave you. On top of that, we are all covering you in prayers and asking Him to give you a peace beyond all understanding. That you would know, sweet friend, that right this minute, He is there with you, beside you, never leaving you. He's got this!

    He will take your aching heart and hold it ever so gently in the palm of His hand. And He will hold Rick's heart, and Nolan and Colton's too.

    And we will not stop praying and asking for your miracle. We are asking for one more day and week and month and year.

    Love you to the moon and back again, dear Vicky!
    Love, Linda

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  7. Reading this on the road, and want you to know that we, your people, your readers, are with you in spirit. We are cheering you on and will keep on praying for you.

    I am praying that the light will shine on your path and lead you forward. Much love, and a virtual hug.

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  8. Vicki,

    Continuing to pray for you! We are no longer on our little island in the middle of the Atlantic (the Azores), but now live in the big state of TEXAS! Blessings to you and your family.

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  9. Oh, Vicky ~ this is not the news we were hoping for. I will pray that Dr. Foster has some ideas for treatment, and that all the prayers that surround you will help you find peace in the midst of all this worry. I'm praying... and sending you big hugs and lots of love!

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  10. Much love to you Vicky and prayers as always!! 😘

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  11. Oh Vicky...I'm shocked w/ the news and grabbing onto Dr. Foster's opinion in hopes and prayers that there is another course of treatment...I'm so sorry and so praying for your heart and for your boys and Rick and your mom...sending you so much love xo

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  12. Vicky, my heart is so full. I love you dearly. I'm praying--praying--lifting you so often. Such a joy to give you a virtual hug through what your sweet friends are doing.

    XOXOXO

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  13. I will make this short and sweet, my dear friend: I am praying for you and will double up on those prayers. You can count on it!!
    Love you much,
    J.

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  14. Praying for you. Focusing on the "good news" that one of the tumors is no longer there. Hoping Dr. Foster has some treatment ideas that give you hope and peace.

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  15. I hear you sister friend and praying and thinking of you daily. Good luck tomorrow. I love that line... "Walk by my faith not by my sight" it's a huge GULP to swallow but so worth it! ;) xoxo

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  16. Dearest Vicky,
    I was praying and praying last night for you and my daughter (I wrote about her situation on my blog). Lots of tears. I woke up this morning and God put an old song on my heart. I haven't heard it in years, but it came right back to me...Here's the song-

    God will make a way, when there seems to be no way...

    And I believe that with all my heart. He will make a way for you with these two tumors and He will make a way for my daughter. He will make a way for ALL of us when the world says there is no way. Just wanted to share this in the hope it would help your aching heart. It helped mine.

    Love you dear Vicky, to the moon and back!
    Linda

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    1. This song has been running through my head too as I pray for Vicky and others often that past few days. Praying and trusting God will make a way for you, Vicky! I've wondered about the "Laser Knife"? Not sure if that's the right term. I don't comment very often (first contacted you through email), but I check the blog often and pray for you daily. Hugs and prayers to you!

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    2. Nina- yes- I've had a variation of "Cyber knife," twice. Thankful you checked in today and shared with me- its always great to see/hear from those who read! What a blessing that is to me :) Hugs right back to you~

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  17. Still praying for all that concerns you. The Lord is with you, and your words bless so many.

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    1. Thankful that you choose to do so, Susan. Am always hopeful I am somehow living His will for me, every day. If it blesses others, than I am deeply humbled.

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  18. Hi Vicky- just saw your letter and realized you maybe visiting with Dr. Foster right now. Praying! Love Lisa

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    1. Thank you Lisa- so sweet to see you here and I feel those prayers wrap around me and give me strength. xxoo

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  19. sorry I a a little late reading this -- after tears and a few choice 4 letter words, I look and ask Him to be with you - to give you peace. Praying, always for you sweet friend!

    xoxo

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    1. It just brings a smile to my face to see you show up here, honey- and pray you are well. Love you friend!

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  20. Thinking of you dear friend, hoping, praying... good news.. please.. from Dr. Foster.

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    1. Thankful to have you by my side in all ways- xxoo

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  21. my prayers are all for you sweet girl…all for you!!!…xo

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    1. So thankful for those prayers and so good to see you pop in here- xxoo

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  22. Honestly I am not sure how to respond to this news. I know it's not what anyone wants to hear. Praying for you as you have had your appt with Dr. Foster by now, that you and your family senses God's nearness as you digest all this.
    Much love to you!!

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    1. Thank you Maddy Christine- its hard to know what to say/think. So I just appreciate seeing your sweet face here and knowing you are thinking of me. Much love to you!

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  23. Meant to comment yesterday to let you know we've been praying, but the day got away from me. I know you'll share as you've got time and as you're ready.

    Hope you're enjoying the beautiful fall and that you can feel God's hand all around you.

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    1. Am truly clinging to God and what his will for me is, each day. Thankful for those prayers- always and know they are returned for you as well. xxoo

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  24. Not what we want to hear. Not what you want to hear. My heart is full with thoughts of you and what you must have felt in that moment....with what you're feeling now. Oh, Vicky. How grateful I am that you know who is guiding you through these mountainous high places. He does uplift us and will walk with us in everything and through everything. May he guide you and Dr. Foster into the next answer and more than anything, may He PLEASE keep you from the fright of looking down and help you to keep looking into His face, His peace, His plan, His presence. I love you.

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I welcome what you have to say. Thanks for taking the time to grace me with your thoughts and words!

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