mountain climbing and the heart of possibility

"We always have the ability to shine our soul’s light, access a greater reality and live in the heart of possibility."  Panache Desai

Midmorning Friday, my phone rang.  It lit up with the Sanford number and I right away suspected it would be him.

It was.

"Hi Vicky, Panwalkar here.  How are you?"  

We quickly get past the pleasantries.  He knows I am waiting to hear.

He jumps right in.

"Your scan, Vicky, the two brain tumors, are more prominent now."

"And the third one?"  I ask.  "What about that third spot."

"Oh, he says.  "Just give me a minute to pull it up on my screen."  Minutes pass, as I hear his computer working.  He mumbles a quick "sorry, it takes so long."  

He also uses this time to ask me about the retreat.  "Shelby, (Dr. Terstreip) told me you were speaking again.  How did it go?"

"We had a great day~" I tell him enthusiastically, "just great."

"I am sorry I couldn't attend this year," he says apologetically.

I assure him it was fine.

Finally the scan has loaded and he reads the report.

"That third spot may have been a blood vessel or something, but it is not showing on this scan. So its just those two spots."

"So, what would you like to do?" He asks.

Oh dear.  He is asking me?  

I know he is wondering if I've read up on treatments of this nature.  And the truth is?  I haven't wanted to go there.  

I know there are no chemotherapy agents left, that cross the blood brain barrier. I've tried the others already.

And radiation to my brain?  Well I've successfully done that twice.  But two times, is already exceeding the limits of how much radiation a body should take.

So three times?  Is this even an option? I'm stuck trying to see this one through.

And so is Dr. Panwalkar.

He either isn't ready to tell me what I don't want to hear… or he hopes maybe someone can muster some idea of something that can be done.

"Would you like to see what Dr. Foster thinks?"  

I agree that I would.  

Dr. Foster has one opening Tuesday, tomorrow after my infusion.

I pray he has an answer I can live with.  I pray he has an answer so I can live.  

Will you pray for my aching heart?  My restless and searching mind?  For Dr. Foster, to somehow help me through this?

Ultimately, I know its still in HIS hands.  

When I open my Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young, I'm bowed down with these words for today:

Be willing to follow wherever I lead.  Follow Me wholeheartedly… Though you don't know what lies ahead, I know; and that is enough! Some of My richest blessings are just around the bend: out of sight, but nonetheless real. To receive these gifts you must walk by faith-not by sight…

Sometimes I lead you up a high mountain with only My hand to support you.  The higher you climb, the more spectacular the view becomes; also, the more keenly you sense your separation from the world.  This frees you to experience exuberantly the joyous reality of My Presence.  Give yourself fully to those Glory moments, awash in dazzling Light.  I will eventually lead you down the mountain, back into community with others. Let My Light continue to shine within you as you walk among people again.  

Our fundraising site continues to be such a joy and source of light to us.  

Thank you for loving us so.   

Will be back with updates as soon as I can.