Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Surrender blanketed in grace


"You have been given today…"  



I have my mom's antique chair off to the side of my computer desk.  It badly needs a makeover.  And yet it wonderfully displays the pillows given to me by friends in the upper right hand corner of the collage.  I look at them every day and let those words sink in often.  

If you look very carefully, on the arm of the chair is a ring that was given to me by my friend Susan.  It says "Overcomer" on it and I wear it often, when my fingers aren't too swollen.  

Just the other day the photo with the words, "You have been given today," were sent to me along with the beautiful card from a friend in Arizona.  

So when I went to infusion yesterday, I had so many gifts to count, so much gratitude to fill the lines of my journal.





And yet…

I officially stepped on the scale and stepped off into the unknown.  ARGGGGGHHH.  I was over the weight limit by .3 lbs.   Yes, thats, point 3.  

So I try to carefully explain to my infusion nurse, whom I've never had before, could she just run it past Dr. Panwalkar?  The last time I went over by a couple of pounds, he clearly said he won't increase my dosage of Herceptin.  I am so sensitive to it already, and have increasing nausea and flu-like symptoms from it and he didn't want it to increase. 


But, my nurse had already made a call to Laurie, the nurse practioner,  not Dr. Panwalkar.  She explains its the standard guidelines and so we wait to hear back from Laurie. 

And the decision, I know, is black and white.  If you're over the line, you should do the increased dose.


I'm surprised by how quickly it makes me feel helpless and sad. 


I'm not one to argue, and again, I feel her busyness, her need to get to her next patient. 

So I smile, and remind myself to be gracious.  

I lean all the way back in the bed, and surrender. 

I have a full afternoon of appointments.  I have been asked to participate in some really cool events and projects and I am fully immersed in preparing for them.  So I just take what meds I can to squelch the growing discomfort. 

I arrive home late, ready to cave in. 

But my Colton is standing near the door.  Freshly showered, hair freshly spiked with gel, with all his school supplies in his bag, ready to go.  Its back to school night at his new school.  He is starting middle school this year.

So I plead with Superman for him to go with us, as fatigue nags me, but he is too swamped with work and distracted. 

Gracious.  Help me be gracious.

Colton and I make our way through.  He is excited, even though admittedly, he is nervous too. 

I'm completely wiped out by the time we get home.

I tumble into bed near 9 o'clock.

I awake early this morning,  with a booming headache, nauseous stomach, and a new side effect- diarrhea that seems unending.  

I grab my sprite, some toast, and head over to the chair by the sunlight.  

"You have been given today…"

Today I choose surrender…  blanketed in grace.  


















28 comments:

  1. My heart goes out to you, Vicky. You are a great mama. I hope you feel stronger and steadier within very soon.

    P.S. I love the sunflowers :-)

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    1. I love the sunflowers too- and I forgot to thank Karen for doing them for me. Thank you Susan- in time I will be back at it again :)

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  2. oh Vicky...goodness...I'm so sorry honey. love you bunches...xo

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    1. Love you too, sweet friend- thank you-xxoo

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  3. Oh Vicky.. you are brave and courageous and strong even when you're not. It's OK to let people know you - just can't do something, please step in - . I hope you do that when you need to, but I have a feeling you soldier on so as not to inconvenience others. I hope you wake up tomorrow feeling rested and able to enjoy the day you are given.

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    1. Thanks Karen- yes- I seem to always choose the least confrontational- I admit that. I just decided I'd get through it, and I seem to be doing okay. But I will make sure to ask Dr. P for an order with his instructions for next time :)

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  4. sending you lots of love!! So sorry for the increase and the extra yucky stuff!

    hugs dear friend -love you!

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    1. Thank you Tiffany- hugs and love back to you!

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  5. I think I would have insisted on hearing that from the doctor. Hope you feel better soon. You are in my prayers, every night.

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    1. I really debated that- but I just ended up feeling like it was best to go along this time, and get it fixed for next time. Thankful for those prayers- they saw me through a rough couple of days and now its getting better :)

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  6. Vicky... I read a lot of blogs and articles. Nothing inspires me as much as your posts. You go through so much, you fight with all your might and yet, you are a gift to us. Doesn't seem fair. I keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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    1. You're so kind to say that, Katie. I feel so fortunate to have you showing up here so faithfully and supporting me- it truly helps me to log in and see so many faces and encouraging words here! Thankful for your thoughts and prayers!

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  7. ICKY UGH so sorry for your rough days. I hate the bad days. Stay hydrated my friend. As my Meggers calls them the Cha Cha's LOL :(
    I love your new background and sunflower pick. :)

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    1. Oh that sweet Meggers- so cute! I know, how you know, those rough days :) You, friend, have been in my heart and prayers so much with your most recent news… hugs to you :)

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  8. Too bad that there is only black and white, there should be a gray area in between. I think you should have been honored in your wish not to have an increase of the medicine. Of course, I am not the doctor. Praying that your day today will be better.

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    1. With some of the nurses who know me, I think that would have been the case. In the past- awhile back- they did call Dr. P and he did tell them he would not ever increase it- but it didn't get put into a standing order of any kind. I will see him in a few weeks and we will straighten it out :) Thankful for your prayers!

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  9. Oh my sweet Vicky,
    As my Grandma used to say, "Dad gum it! That's just stinkin' awful!" I am so, so sorry that you've had to endure such yucky side effects. Yet here you are being gracious and surrendering to what is and blanketed in His grace. You amaze me. Always.

    Please permit me a small rant here, just because I love you and feel protective. You said "I'm not one to argue." Bless your heart. I am not a doctor and don't know what all the protocals are, yet I wish I had been there to argue for you. To say, lovingly and tactfully, we really do need to consult with Dr. P. You were so sweet to say you could sense she needed to move on. Yet I hope, sweet friend, if your intuition tells you this is the wrong dose, that you'll contact Dr. P yourself. OK....I'll be quiet now.

    Please know that you are not only blanketed in grace, you are blanketed in prayers, Hundreds and hundreds of prayers, every day, never ceasing, NOT stopping. NOT EVER!

    Sending you LOVE, PEACE, JOY and prayers for feeling better...always prayers!
    Love you to the moon and back, Vicky!
    Linda

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    1. So sweet of you Linda, to say you would have gone with- I feel such support in those words- thank you. Yes- I have it in my list for my next appointment with Dr. P to address the no increase in dose. And to combat all the yuck- I've doubled up on gatorade and anti-nausea and immodium and I am doing okay with all of that :) So thankful for your prayers!

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  10. Sometimes, do you just sit in that chair, stretch you arms out and feel the love coming your way. It should be palpable.

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    1. Kass- just SEEING the chair, hearing it creak when I sit down in it, looking at the pillows with all of my favorite words- all of that just breathes love to me. So thankful... xxoo

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  11. Oh Vicky, I wonder at why I have been given this small stage in my life were I am very fatigued and ache all over...I will say reading this...even tho I new a week ago...I had more of a understanding...but today was even MORE understanding because I am tired of this fatigue..and then I marvel more at your optomistic nature...and I realize I am a sissy la la!!! and think..WOW she keeps going, she keeps fighting and living despite all these change's and the fatigue and OH MY...I am utterly amazed. Dr. Appointments, life, the boy's, school a true family life and you keep going and going to the best of your abilities...and i think sometimes way past what you even think your capeable of doing...and on and on..and then you share.... be gracious..and then 'today I surrender blanketed in grace' I need to pick my lovely self up and give me a talking too... I have not been as gracious...I have been tired and not liking it! more prayers as always and much love...how you inspire. ( on another note, I need to ask a question..when I post a reply on my blog post can you see it? it has a funny negative sign by it??? I have a reply on my last post...something Raegan's mom shared after reading the post...but I came to realize maybe all this time..noone has seen my replies???? oh my)

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  12. No Peggy Sue- I went back to see if I saw any of your replies on your beautiful post and I did not. I saw a comment you left and will go back and read that!

    I think its perfectly fine to cave in to fatigue when we feel it. I certainly have my share of down time and rest too. But I feel an urgency to live sometimes and that keeps me up and going more than anything! I need to be there for those growing boys of mine :) And me reminding myself to be gracious is exactly what I was doing- to simply not yield to letting something small get in the way of my day…

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  13. Gosh, Vicky, I wish that nurse would've listened to you and contacted Dr. Panwalker before increasing your dose. The last thing you need is to feel more icky side effects than usual. You are SO kind and considerate, knowing that the nurse was anxious to get on to her next patient. I'm hoping you're feeling better tonight, and that Dr. P can write in your orders to never increase the dosage again. You've got a lot of living to do, and you don't need unnecessary side effects to get in your way!!! Many prayers, as always.....

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    1. Thank you! I will get it all straightened out so I don't have to re-visit this. I appreciate the support and encouragement, though, when it doesn't all go as smoothly as we grow accustomed to. Thankful for all of your prayers!

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  14. As usual you have written beautifully. I love the "help me be gracious'. I need a dose of that!! I have practiced lately and failing often...

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  15. Dear Vicky, the sunflowers took my breath away. I am a sunflower girl through and through. Thank you for that and as always, for your poignant writing, and for always thinking of stopping by to visit me, through thick and thin. I treasure you so much and am so grateful for your friendship and life!

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  16. My word for 2012 was Surrender, and it's something I'm still learning (and I guess I always will be), but I've never related it to the concept of GRACIOUSNESS. I love that, Vicky. You're absolutely right. I learn so much from you, my friend.

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  17. God love you, Vicky. Don't even KNOW how you push through. I don't like nurse Ratchet. Sorry. You don't need ANYTHING like that to happen to you. FARRRRRRR more gracious than I. I'm so sorry you're having to face these terrible digestive issues. Wish I could make it go away. Praying.

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I welcome what you have to say. Thanks for taking the time to grace me with your thoughts and words!

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