Surrender blanketed in grace

"You have been given today…"  

I have my mom's antique chair off to the side of my computer desk.  It badly needs a makeover.  And yet it wonderfully displays the pillows given to me by friends in the upper right hand corner of the collage.  I look at them every day and let those words sink in often.  

If you look very carefully, on the arm of the chair is a ring that was given to me by my friend Susan.  It says "Overcomer" on it and I wear it often, when my fingers aren't too swollen.  

Just the other day the photo with the words, "You have been given today," were sent to me along with the beautiful card from a friend in Arizona.  

So when I went to infusion yesterday, I had so many gifts to count, so much gratitude to fill the lines of my journal.

And yet…

I officially stepped on the scale and stepped off into the unknown.  ARGGGGGHHH.  I was over the weight limit by .3 lbs.   Yes, thats, point 3.  

So I try to carefully explain to my infusion nurse, whom I've never had before, could she just run it past Dr. Panwalkar?  The last time I went over by a couple of pounds, he clearly said he won't increase my dosage of Herceptin.  I am so sensitive to it already, and have increasing nausea and flu-like symptoms from it and he didn't want it to increase. 

But, my nurse had already made a call to Laurie, the nurse practioner,  not Dr. Panwalkar.  She explains its the standard guidelines and so we wait to hear back from Laurie. 

And the decision, I know, is black and white.  If you're over the line, you should do the increased dose.

I'm surprised by how quickly it makes me feel helpless and sad. 

I'm not one to argue, and again, I feel her busyness, her need to get to her next patient. 

So I smile, and remind myself to be gracious.  

I lean all the way back in the bed, and surrender. 

I have a full afternoon of appointments.  I have been asked to participate in some really cool events and projects and I am fully immersed in preparing for them.  So I just take what meds I can to squelch the growing discomfort. 

I arrive home late, ready to cave in. 

But my Colton is standing near the door.  Freshly showered, hair freshly spiked with gel, with all his school supplies in his bag, ready to go.  Its back to school night at his new school.  He is starting middle school this year.

So I plead with Superman for him to go with us, as fatigue nags me, but he is too swamped with work and distracted. 

Gracious.  Help me be gracious.

Colton and I make our way through.  He is excited, even though admittedly, he is nervous too. 

I'm completely wiped out by the time we get home.

I tumble into bed near 9 o'clock.

I awake early this morning,  with a booming headache, nauseous stomach, and a new side effect- diarrhea that seems unending.  

I grab my sprite, some toast, and head over to the chair by the sunlight.  

"You have been given today…"

Today I choose surrender…  blanketed in grace.