In the space between...

 “In the space between chaos and shape there was another chance.” 

― Jeanette Winterson, The World and Other Places: Stories

The photo of the dogs appeared in my Facebook feed a couple of weeks ago.  Doggy Depot is the "Daycare" that Crosby goes to on some rare occasions.  He loves it there and clearly, so do others.  The pure love emanating from the picture has captivated me.  

As have your well wishes and prayers for my mom and myself. 

My friends Barbara and Mimi sent this to me weeks ago.  An angel to watch over me.  My blogging friends both live in Germany and yet their faithful friendship and support is such a true blessing.

My brother arrived Tuesday night.  Rick and I had spent the entire day at the clinic.  The interventional radiologist, Dr. Teigen, examined mom at 830 that morning.  Based on her "story" and symptoms, plus the amount of pain she clearly was experiencing, he felt the fracture was not chronic, not old.  

But Dr. Teigen needed corroboration, through another MRI.  He was so confident the fracture was acute or, recent, that he scheduled the procedure to cement it, the very next morning.  Hours later, on Tuesday, we waited for them to get us in for another MRI.  It was late when mom finally got her turn- one of the last of the day.  But fortunately, Dr. Teigen told us he had been "spot on" with his assessment, and mom would have her back fixed the next day, and Medicare would now pay for it.

My brother arrived later that night, and has been my saving grace.  My youngest son, has been a sobbing mess.  Too many hours, left alone at home, because Grandma needed me.  But I can't take care of my mom alone for long.  I can't do the lifting, and the pulling and the pushing that she needs, as often as she needs it. Superman has rescued me over and over again.  

Getting her in and out of the truck when she is in pain is a real physical feat that renders me breathless.  The lymphedema in the right arm makes it tricky for me as I lack full range of motion and normal strength.  Although, physical therapy has helped and I am indeed growing stronger.

On Wednesday, with the help of my brother,  we got mom to the Day Surgery Unit for her procedure. Mom did well during her time in the unit. The procedure went well and Dr. Teigen told us her fracture was even worse when he got in there.  But he felt in a few days time, the pain would subside and she'd start being able to move more freely.

I had to chuckle as we were ushered into an inner waiting room- it turned out to be the sedation room I am in during my MRI's.  How strange, to now be the caretaker, versus, the patient.

Its also has been strange to become the "adult" making the decisions for the person who has been in control for so many years.

Mom has changed quite a bit over these past few weeks.

She has become a little more stubborn, and belligerent at times, but she senses the tension we all feel.  She "tells it like it is" more often, and its not always pretty.  She is more confused, forgetting days and times, but just as quickly can tell a story about long ago as though it were yesterday.  

I am somewhere in between.  I longed for my status as a cancer patient to take a back seat, and it has.  I have become- a full time care taker.  In God's perfect timing, I came off the Tykerb, so that I could regain my energy, my focus and clarity, my stamina.  All of those have returned, just when I would need them the most.

In the meantime we are close to arranging full time care for my mom.  It will mean a move for her, for Rick and for I.  But its the best possible move for now and we are steadily stepping into "... the space between chaos and shape…" praying to find "another chance."

“How strange that the nature of life is change, yet the nature of human beings is to resist change. And how ironic that the difficult times we fear might ruin us are the very ones that can break us open and help us blossom into who we were meant to be.” 
― Elizabeth Lesser, Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow  (Amen) 

Thank you for your continued prayers- I read each one and let the words wash over me time and again. 

Our love and thanks to you all- for the rides for our kids, the wonderful food delivered to our door, the forgiveness for our lack of responding sometimes to email or texts.  

I'm staring at my Christmas tree, snickering at the sight of it still adorned in all it's glory… sometimes all you can do is laugh.