Friday, February 17, 2012

"with new things continually on the horizon"

Dr. Panwalkar called me this morning.  I missed two calls while in the shower.  So he left a voicemail.

No, its not the news we were hoping for...

I appreciate how specific and direct he is in delivering less than desirable news.

My MRI scan for today was deemed unnecessary.  A scan from earlier this week showed progression in the spot in my lungs, and new spots showed up as well- significant progression is what he called it.  He already called the study, and cancelled my sedation and scan for this afternoon.   If I had questions I could call him back.  But this is what I already know...

I am off the study.

I am losing my drug.

I am losing my research nurse, Kathy, whom I dearly treasure.

It isn't that I don't have questions- I do, oh how I do.  But I almost feel like I did at diagnosis... I don't need any more news today.  I trust he has a plan.

And most importantly I trust He has a plan too.  I trust.  Thats all any of us really need.

And as if hand delivered by God, my Jesus Calling devotional showed up today in the mail. And with shaking hands I turned to today's devotion... and the words I needed, today, always today, were abundant and clear.

"Your relationship with me is meant to be vibrant and challenging, as I invade more and more areas of your life.  Do not fear change, for I am making you a new creation, with old things passing away and new things continually on the horizon...  ask Me to open your eyes, so you can find all I have prepared for you in this precious day of Life."


I will see Dr. Panwalkar on Tuesday as scheduled... with eyes wide open I will begin anew.

30 comments:

  1. Oh, Vicki, my heart hurts for you, for your family. You have often been on my mind these last few days, specifically today. This morning in my quiet time, I was reading Ps 36 and verse 9 says "For with You is the fountain of life; In Your light we see light." Seems your one little word is often showing up in my life and reminding me to pray for you. still praying for a miracle for you, for peace for your heart, for your husband and sweet boys.

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  2. I've been following your blog since I found you through Gitzen Girl. I'm praying for you. Keep walking in the light. It is a blessing to read your blog over here in Switzerland.

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  3. Vicky, when I can, I sit in my truck at the bus stop waiting for the boys with a heart full of prayer as I say my rosary. You will be my rosary girl and focus now every day. Each day, please know that I will pray, pray, pray, pray for you with all my heart. I believe with every fiber of my being that Our Blessed Mother hears our prayers and sends healing love and strength.

    You are a new creation that brings grace, love, strength and joy to this world.

    You will begin anew and you are a warrior girl. At Jillian's request, I looked up what my name means and it means "warrior". Kind of funny considering that I'm really just a goofball. You're the true warrior!!! Love you and hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs.....

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  4. Oh my dear ... I am with you in my minds. You will go a new way and I know you will "fight like a girl" all the following time.

    With all my love!
    Bussals
    Mimi

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  5. Sorry to hear this Vicky. I'm glad your faith sustains you. xoxo

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  6. dearheart, you have been on my mind this afternoon and now i know why.

    i believe you are being held and i can tell by how you are writing that you are finding Him to be all that need.

    many hugs and prayers.

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  7. Vicky, somehow in my heart I know that you are not losing anything. I looked at your list and I thought, "God will take care of that one. He will take care of that one and that one too." I don't know what the plan is; I do know that whatever it is, our Lord is in it with you...all the way through it. And I said "through"...a preposition that has one of the most wonderful meanings in this world to me.
    Somehow, I know that your research nurse Kathy will never be lost from you. Anyone who has met you is with you...regardless of the news. I wish it could have been different news. My heart is heavy as I type, but I look over at the sidebar and see your smiling face and see the words, "All Shall Be Well" and I hold on to that. Love you my sweet friend.
    Jackie

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  8. My heart hurts too. I will continue to pray that His plan is GOOD. I have been away so am WAY behind on my blogs. XO, Pinky

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  9. Vicky this makes me so sad....but your doctor is amazing, God is amazing, and YOU are amazing.
    I pray as your mind is spinning over the next few days that you can find comfort and peace in the little things.

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  10. Everything within me cries out, "This is WRONG!" and I want to rant and rail, because that's my weakness. But maybe the reality is that this medicine and you are not right for each other and maybe there is something that WILL address it and WILL stop it and the research is keeping you from finding that. That is my prayer. That is my hope. That is my wish.

    What incredible strength you show, my sweet friend. I want to say something comforting and equal to the person you are but that's not possible. I will keep praying and commit to even more and will cheer you on and continue to pray for that miracle we ALL long for. I do not know how you find the inner resolve to post and keep us current, Vicky, in the midst of news you don't want. It is such a testament to God and to who you are. How fortunate we all are to have you. I love you.

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  11. Hello my dear Vicky !!
    I have seen & believed that you are the most couragious friend of mine in the blogging world & certainly in the whole world too, I'm sure. Though your note has shocked me to my core BUT I'm certain that everything good or bad that comes in our life, is for a purpose or a change & it definitely guides us for a refreshed look & faith in life & HIM. Take it as an another querry of HIM, for you & I'm sure you will positively answer HIM in times ahead & HE will bless you with HIS both hands.


    My experience has taught me to take life as a challenge each day and to live each day with thanks to HIM for the wonderful gift that He has given to us.
    I have personally witnessed & experienced the most guersome challenges & fragility of life but the strongest of wills strengthens my determination to grasp everything life offers me, with both hands. We should never be afraid of the unknown & deeply love the known. I'm sure your doctor has new & suitable plans for you because you are here to love we all & vice versa. There are plenty of chemo options these days for breast carcinoma & you will get the best one for lung metastasis.

    You are couragious & courage is the best option of life to overcome even the most dreaded. 'Maybe courage does NOT always roar; Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day; that says I will try again tomorrow.' And it is indeed the Angel that watches over our most loved ones like you and provides the courage needed to definitely overcome the ODDS.
    YOU SHALL OVERCOME THE ODDS & THANK HIM FOR THE UNHEALTHY BUT BLISSFUL QUERRIES HE IS ASKING FOR !!!

    KEEP UP THE COURAGE & HOPE TO DEFEAT ALL POSSIBLE ODDS & THERE IS NO REASON I CAN SEE THAT YOU SHALL NOT BE BLESSED BY HIM TO BE A WINNER IN THE END.
    AMEEEEN .....

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  12. Sending out a huge wave of light and love to help you and your loved ones find the strength and courage you need to make it through this hard, hard time. You are so very loved, Brave Heart.

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  13. Like everyone who reads about your courageous fight, I wish also that I could somehow help. Prayers are all I can offer, so tonight...more prayers.
    I hope you know how inspirational you are to others.

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  14. The word "invade" really struck me and I thought about for a long time. We need Spirit (God,Light) to invade with a strong army in your defense. I am on my knees, which I haven't done for years.

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  15. Dear Vicky,
    I am so proud of you and this post. Because I got my phone call today too and I sat and sat and am still sitting here trying to find the words to post. We too are meeting dr. L on Tuesday to figure out our plan of attack! ;)

    I pray you enjoy your new book of Jesus calling it makes me so strong. I pray you enjoy your weekend and enjoy your littles... :)

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  16. Words are failing my here... know that I'm thinking of you, praying, hoping, wishing for a cure..more time, a healing miracle.

    You amaze me continually, remind me to cherish each day, remind me of the power of Faith. Thank you, dear friend.

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  17. I missed this yesterday. I'm so sorry. I would have liked to have been the first one to respond. This is information, but it is not all that is there to see. Only God sees the all. It is for us to discover. And even with news hard to hear, there is always also that which you're meant to experience that is...LIGHT. Here, in this world. Shining bright as you are. My heart is heavy for you, Vicky, but I am not daunted. God has so many plans in store yet. Rest, think on good things, enjoy your family, and trust...the hardest thing to do. That reading you shared...wow. Something to read, and read again. I would love to visit you soon. I will make a way. I miss you!

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  18. I was away yesterday Vicky so I did not get to read this until this morning. As I read this entry, something I read last night, came to the forefront of mind. I will share it with you.

    "Lift up your eyes, despairing one,
    The Lord your help will be;
    You have a friend in heaven who cheers,
    And calms the troubled sea."

    Along with this poem was two Bible verses. One from the Old Testament and one from the New. They are two verses that have helped me through some very difficult times.

    "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble" ~Psalm 46:1

    "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me" ~Phil. 4:13

    The key word in these two verses is strength. God is right there with you and He is giving you the strength to keep on fighting!

    I love the light that emits from your new blog design. God is light!

    Love and hugs my friend, Eileen

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  19. Vicky,
    I am so sorry...I have no words, only prayers....

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  20. Oh my!
    So what is the next thing to do?
    I hope he has a plan. You were doing so well.

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  21. My emotions are so mixed, from highs to lows, guilt and faith, etc. I read your post, and my breath was knocked from me, disappointed for and with you, but so encouraged by your faith and trust. Then I read all these comments left for you, and I'm uplifted because of them. But deep within my soul, I feel this guilt and wonder why I'm well and wish I could carry this burden for you. Yet, I know that that each hard time we go through, we get to experience God's love for us in a whole new and exciting way. Take hold of His hand, trust the way He has chosen, and know He loves you beyond anything we can comprehend. And please know I'm praying for you. . . always praying!

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  22. I weep, I pray, I send my love and faith to you, Vicky and Family. I am in awe of you...

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  23. Hey you! Ok,this is going to sound weird but........your post/blog gave me a feeling of, for lack of a better term, excitement. I have such a strong gut feeling....( it is super strong) of, "whew"... It's time for a change, and only you and your doctors???? (oops, sorry God). I will resay that...only the Lord, you and your doctors know what that will be but like Gods note to you said, He is changing things. It's good Vicki, it's going to be great. Great things happen to great people....Go with your gut feeling...go with your heart....and listen to Him. I love you girl, you are on a new path. GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME AND ALL THE TIME GOOD IS GOD.

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  24. I am sorry to hear this news. But I am trusting with you in HIS plan! Praying for you!

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  25. Vicky I am sorry you got this news. Hopefully their will be new plans by the doctor. You are in my prayers, all the comments remind how much you are loved, God is holding you in his hands. sending a huge hug your way.

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  26. Vicki, I have been crazy busy and haven't taken time to read much of anything lately, but felt strongly led to read your blog today...my heart is so saddened by what is happening. I can only imagine the many emotions swirling around in your heart and in your home right now.
    Your reliance on God is strong and beautiful...let Him hold you securely no matter what comes. And I will be praying for peace, strength and miracles.
    Every day is a gift...and I know that you hold each one precious, which is the greatest gift to your family--your savoring of every moment with them! Much love and prayers--holly

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  27. Vicky,

    Sending multiple prayers that this new plan will reap in healing, health and happiness. We all have you in our hearts, hands and soles and will stand by you through it all until you have blogged to us that you have been CURED! Love you to the moon and back!

    ~Becky~

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  28. I'm praying, Vicki. I felt a strong pull to your blog today. You're on my heart. Much love to you and yours.

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  29. Oh Vicky...
    Your resilience is inspiring. Your words you posted are so hard to read and I am not walking in your shoes. I can only imagine how difficult they must be to hear and be living.

    For some reason what came to my mind was the words from the hymn "It is well"...

    Whatever my lot
    Thou hast taught me to say
    It is well
    It is well
    With my soul

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  30. stopping by to say i am praying for you, today. may you be lifted up and given light for dark places... may He cradle you in His hands. here's a verse i hold on to in impossible times:

    "Listen to me...you whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth. Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you.I have made you and I will carry you;
    I will sustain you and I will rescue you." Isaiah 46:3-4

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I welcome what you have to say. Thanks for taking the time to grace me with your thoughts and words!

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