Monday, February 6, 2012

Winter Conversation

Winter Conversation
by Joyce Wakefield

I listen to you explain the difference
between a right brain thought and a left.
I am distracted by the smell
of cold on your face.
I want to lick it away like a child
with an ice cream cone
sticky fingers and sweet tongue.

Aware that I have been here before
I pause in your words.
I have slept in this flesh,
dreamed these winter bones.

Waking in the darkness between us,
I hear frost sweeping the porch,
edging toward the morning.
I reach for your hand.

What, you whisper, voice hoarse with dream.
My lips, swollen with you, cold,
are silent.

My head matches the outdoors, foggy and muted.  Fatigue plagues me.  I've been pushing myself through so much, it catches me now. The spines of the hoar frost look to me what my back feels like.  Razor sharp spindles that shoot pain through my back as it pops and cracks in the cold. The heating pad coupled with some Advil are my refuge.  I still muster 3 hockey games on Saturday.  But I pay for it with half the day spent in bed on Sunday.  

Dr. Panwalkar nods when I tell him what he would normally say to me, "we'll see what the scans reveal in a couple of weeks." My back reveals change to me, but will the scans?  Maybe its just a case of hockey-itis.  Or massively overgrown puppy syndrome. Crosby is a tank these days and the strain it puts on my back and arm certainly contribute to the mess. 

Next week I have a series of tests that will require me to be at the clinic 4 days out of 5.  I have 3 separate MRI's to do, and one of them is a 3 hour session in the scanner.  I will be sedated 3 out of the 4 days. I was initially taken aback with the long week they were proposing.  But the silver lining to all of this?  Since the study is dictating which tests we have to do, the study will likely pay for the tests.  

Rick was playing with long exposures on the outdoor rink last week.  He had 3 willing hockey players agreeing to stand for long exposures and then skate away as fast as they could.  The effect is a ghostlike appearance.  

As cool as the photos are, what spoke to me on another level, are the rink lights shining through the fog and the spiny extensions of frost.  


  1. I feel the cold and hear the "bite" of fatigue in your words. Frost has such beauty and yet it nips at one when out in the cold.

    Prayers, Vicky ... many prayers.

  2. The photographs are stunning...even though the cold shows through with a punch, what stands out to me is the light and the beauty given off because of the light. Those are beautiful photographs!
    It's true like that in life. The Light of the world will always see us through even the coldest times we face. David said, "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil." He used 'shadow' for a reason. There is light if there is a shadow. As you continue your treatments may the comfort of the Light of the world always be right there with you. I love you, my friend.

  3. the shots are great in black and white but I can only imagine how you must feel.
    Well, the good point is that you will have a good rest in that machine sleeping and hopefully get some good news.

  4. Very impressive photos. Love how your creativity oss blossoming in this way too. Praying for you and.these upcoming tests. Love the opening poem too.

  5. What a great series of photos... and your words..

    Praying that there is good news on the horizon for you, and relief.

    About that dog and walking. Do you have a harness called the Easywalker? It is a miracle when it comes to pulling dogs. Very humane, looks like it isn't gonna work, even! BUt it does wonders. I love it. It's the only way I save my back from misery when walking Ben... all 185 lbs. of him.

  6. I love the images, although I must admit they may haunt me well into the darkness of today. How quickly they grow up and disappear from us, what a small grasp we have on what is solid...How I love your heart. I'm so thankful that the study may cover most of next week, less strain on you financially even though physically it will take a toll...I'm praying. All the time. I love you, friend.

  7. Ohhh, sweetie...

    I feel your fatigue and wish I had a magic wand to wave your body healthy and strong, the way you are inside.

    Praying for you always, hugs so soft you'd barely feel them

  8. thinking of you as i so often do and praying that the next tests will make you and your doctor very happy....

    your husband's ghostly photos are amazing!!


  9. Vicky, we are on a similar wavelength with our visuals. I'm not surprised. I thought of you while snapping photos of the frosty world, figuring you'd be doing the same in your home across the river. How neat to have that confirmed. But...I wish that your life could parallel mine in lack of doctor visits. You will be cared for, and I'm happy about that. I will await with the rest of your group here word of what's next, and pray with them that the news will be bearable and bring you to more light. :) XXOO, Roxane

  10. Love the things that S. Etole, Jackie, Shannon and others said, Vicky. I echo their sentiments but not nearly as eloquently. I will be praying for your long week and the tests that await you.

    Father, please give Vicky what she needs to prepare her heart, mind, body, and spirit to face the long week ahead. Lift her spirits and may her news be hopeful and encouraging. Be with her in the scary hours, Lord, when our minds can take us down paths we fear - paths of things we don't feel capable of walking or enduring. Keep her mind stayed on you and her precious family and friends and keep her dwelling in You and in the here and now. May she never feel alone, not even for a minute. Amen. I love you, Vicky.

  11. Such beauty captured in the photographs. Will be thinking of you & praying for you as you go through all the tests.

  12. Beautiful, beautiful pictures. I grew up in northern Illinois where those scenes were normal, and I'm kind of craving that again.

    Praying as you have new tests/scans. Keep pushing forward; you can do it.

  13. The photos are simply stunning, Vicky. But there is one beauty in these photos that stand out. It is the light. And from light comes warmth. Just as you sometimes feel you are standing in the cold and darkness, remember that you are wrapped in warmth from our Heavenly Father's arms to the thoughts, prayers and love from your friends and family.

    Love to you my friend, Eileen


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