Thursday, May 24, 2018

Quick update...





When I stepped into the exam room to see Dr. Panwalkar, I had no idea just how much everything was about to turn upside down.  Just two days prior I made it out to not just one, but two graduation parties.  The photo was taken by my cousin's house and yes, I was feeling pretty good.  I had used my oxygen for hours before I left the house and just felt pretty good to venture out.  The parties were great and I got to see so many friends and lots of family.

So I was feeling ok about my appointment and it started off with tackling each of the things I've been dealing with.  Dr. P had also figured some things out and prescribed all kinds of new things to help me.  Then we finally got to my labs and I mentioned how my kidneys were still so "mad at me."  When he saw the numbers on the screen for the first time, he quickly changed his demeanor.

"Oh thats bad, really bad.  Lets get on this right now.  He sat and thought a bit and then said.  "I think you need another stent placed.  One on the left side that works like it does on the right side."  I'll call Dr. Williams and we'll get going right away."

So as he typed away on the computer, I sought some clarification as I was not sure I was reading all of this right.  So I took a big breath and asked, " am I nearing kidney failure?"  and he stopped typing and turned to me and said, "yes.  I'm sorry to say you are and I can't tell you why or where its coming from.  Its very bad."  As we got up to go, he asked if there was anything else he could do for me.. and I thought of the only thing that it seem I needed- Could I have hug from you?"  I asked.  He looked so surprised and broke into a smile.  "Sure!  we can do that!"  And boy did he give me the closest, longest, meaningful hug I've had in a long time.  I tried to express my gratitude towards all he does for me as I didn't want him to carry the weight of feeling like he had somehow let me down.  The tension in the room deflated and I felt I'd go on despite how serious every thing was.

So... it shouldn't have surprised me as much as it did, but not only was I going to get not 1 but 2 units of blood transfused that day, I soon found out I was being prepped for surgery the very next day!  Dr. Williams knew how bad my kidney lab results were and that surgery was a Hail Mary to try and rectify the damaged kidneys.  So he agreed to squeeze me in the next day.   I still had chemo, then was squeezed into a blood transfusion, then hurried home later that evening to prepare for surgery the next day!  Whew.  I was overwhelmed with a flood of emotions.

But the craziest part is how much energy and life was restored to me through those 2 blood transfusions.  Holy cow!  Not only was I able to move without oxygen, I had desire and drive to do so much.  My house is very cluttered due to Rick having his busy season in work.  I've been slowly sorting an cleaning all over, just one day after surgery.  It feels so good to be here typing away,  So I hope it helps you for the next part I have to share.  I'm just being honest and hopefully putting us all on the same page.

I arrived at the new Sanford Hospital for surgery around 8 am in the morning.  Because I was being squeezed in I spent a lot of time resting in my prep room with Rick.  Dr. Williams peeked his head in the door and then came in.  He is so warm and personable.  He looked tan, and refreshed and it was so good to see.  He sat down and took off his surgical hat. Then he shook his head as he started to speak.  "Your numbers are awful.  I'm preparing myself for what I may see when I go in.  But you do seem to have a little infection. I should be able to assess what I can see.  I'll just deal with it once I go in.  But I have to tell you, I don't think a stent is the answer.  I'm sorry to say, I think the damage is likely chemo related or some other treatment maybe, I don't know.  But lets give this a try and see.  He smiled when he went he went off and I thanked him as he hurried out the door.  It was the last I saw him that day, but he did meet with Rick.

Dr. Williams showed how sad he was when he talked to Rick as I was wheeled into recovery.  Rick said he was teary eyed and told him "it looked terrible inside.  So many tumors had grown everywhere and he could only shake his head.  He even said it was now growing in my bladder and there really isn't anything they can do for it.  He also said my kidneys are in very rough shape.  Really bad shape.  And yes, its common to not have many outward signs that anything is happening.  So all he could do was put me back in the hands of Dr. Panwalkar and see what he wants to do.  Rick says he always says the nicest things about me.  He expressed again how this shouldn't be happening and its not fair when these hard things happen to good people.  His compassion is so real and authentic and helps us feel supported all the way through.

So I'm home again.  Feeling physically better than I have in awhile.  So I"m bury myself right now in cleaning, and sorting and organizing.  And a huge stack of cards arrived cheering me up so- thank you, thank you!  I have a hard time keeping up with my gratitude and thank yous for all you have done for me and for Rick and the boys too.  I could not do this alone.

I still have hope.  No wonder it picked me for this year's word.  I need huge hope right now.  Will you hope along with me?  We can do this together!  No matter what it is we have to do, together is the only way.

Love to you all~  













































31 comments:

  1. Hope, prayers, unending love and steely support. You have it all, my dear Vicky. I'm so sorry there wasn't a better outcome from the surgery but I'm thrilled you are feeling better right now. We are coming your way in a week for a track meet and am hoping for a hug in person! Until then ((hugs))

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    1. Yes, Katy, I would so love a visit! I got the sweetest little update from Jeremy that I'd love to share with you :) and so much more. Hugs right back to you- and thank you so much for your gracious words.

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  2. Hoping along with you. It says in Hebrews "we have this hope as an anchor for our soul ..."

    praying xx

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    1. I love that scripture, Susan, and so does my friend Jen in the comments below. Beautiful. Thank you for sharing that with me, and hoping with me as well. Love and blessings to you!

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  3. I absolutely am hoping with you!!! WE always need hope! My BIL has brain cancer: glioblastoma. He should have been gone a year ago. We continue to hope every single day....and pray. So, I also pray along with you too. XO

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    1. Pinky, hearing stories like you BIL gives me such hope. I know the doctors haven't given up on me- but I admire they are being honest with me. I'm so thankful for your prayers and friendship!

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  4. Oh Vicky, I just went through the same decisions/feelings with my daddy over the last 12 months...my dad never ever gave up hope. I'm giving you a big hug right now and asking for endless love, strength and hope for you and your family. Thank you for your beautiful writings...your honesty and blog posts over the last ten years have changed my life. You have taught me strength of the human heart and soul. God bless you friend.

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    1. Lisa, thank you for your kind words. I'm so sad you just went through this with your sweet Dad, we're kindred spirits in being Daddy's girls. I'm just hugging you right back for all you have taught me about living a humble life and one of authenticity and grace, as well as so many other wonderful qualities that you have. Give those fur babies a snuggle from me- they're all so precious and beautiful. Thank you for being my friend all these years! Love to you~

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  5. I posted on your FB page....and I wanted to reiterate it over here on your precious blog.
    I love you. Forever and then more.

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    1. Thank you Jackie, I love you right back and just as you say- forever and then more. Thank you for being so brave and following along as I know how hard it is on your heart- yet here you are and that speaks love to me right there. Sending big love right back to you!

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  6. Praying and hoping right along with you, my sweet friend, always. I have watched your strength and your hope for many years now and I know how much that positive thinking can do for you. Keep it up!!! I was so glad to read that the blood transfusions gave you back your energy. That helps so much!

    "There was never a night or a problem that could defeat sunrise or hope" ~Bernard Williams

    Love you, Eileen

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    1. Eileen, I received your sweet card today and lifted my spirits so much! I can't thank you enough for your dear friendship we've had over so many years! That quote is spot on- how I love what it says about Hope- thank you so much for sharing with me. I love you sweet friend.

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  7. Tears. Prayers. That's all I've got. I'm heartbroken for you, and at the same time, I am so in awe of you, how you keep putting one foot in front of the other, no matter what. We could all learn a thing or two from you, dear Vicky. Sending you love, so much love.

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  8. God knows the number of our days, and you submitted yourself to living your moments fully long ago. i love what Susan said about hope being an anchor for our souls. so true, so i will continue to place my hope in that Anchor and believe all shall be well. i'm so so so glad you had that time at those graduation parties, that you have compassionate, caring doctors, that your husband and boys are unwavering in their love and support, and that today (tomorrow isn't promised any of us) you are feeling well enough to do some things you've long wanted to do! love always...

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  9. My tears are flowing. I went to the Merrian-Webster dictionary. Hope: Something hoped for, one that gives promise for the future. Praying for a hopeful future for you. Sending you hugs and love from Michigan.
    Lynda Rentfrow from Michigan.

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  10. I thought of you the other day, when Sarah's Birthday reminder popped up in my Facebook email. Hope is an excellent word, and something that should be a part of all our lives. May hope continue to be your word for years and years to come. Prayers for you and your family...always.

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  11. I will always continue to have hope for you. I write scripture daily (except when I don’t 😅) and this months theme is hope. One of the verses I wrote yesterday was Psalm 119:116 “You are my refuge and my shield; your word is my source of hope. . . I intend to obey the commands of my God. Lord, sustain me as you promised, that I may live.” I am praying for a miraculous turn of events. I am so thankful for Dr P’s hugs for you. I have recently started seeing a doctor who is a hugger and who knew the comfort a doctor’s hug could bring!

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  12. His strength is made perfect in our weakness. Keep leaning on those "everlasting" arms of Jesus.
    I will continue to pray for you. That you never give up hope.
    God bless you and your dear family today, and every day.

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  13. We are mustering hope for you, dear Vicky, from way over here on Cape Cod. I feel so much gratitude for the hugs, the love, the HOPE, that is surrounding you, and making such a difference. When it comes right down to it, love and hope are the mainstays. Your choice to remain in this state of hope gives it right back out to the world, as you have lived all of your life, which is a true gift. Although, I have never met you, your beauty and sharing have set an example for me that is indelible.
    Feeling grateful and humble that you have a new burst of strength....I have to give a big smile as I think of you cleaning and organizing.....my two stalwarts in coping....my closets, corners and shelves are all so neat right now.....Dr P is so amazing. With love to you on this beautiful day of life....the family photo is beautiful!!

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  14. Praying for you, Vicky. I’m glad you are feeling better. Love you.

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  15. (I am just rewriting what I posted on your FB)
    I read your post... But couldn't find my words...so I waited until words could come. I think the heart does that when we live, respect and admire someone that much! And I realized your 'Hope' in those moments was hanging by a thread, thus you reached out and look at the beauty that surrounds you!
    "Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul- And sings a tune wutwith the words, and never stops- at all..."
    Sing sweetest Nightingale...sing because we are all singing with you! So much love and prayers endlessly for you Rick and those young men of yours!

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  16. Oh honey,
    I love you to the moon and back, for now and forever. You are my dear, dear, precious soul
    sis and there just aren't words adequate to tell you what you mean to me. I am full of HOPE with you and for you right now. I am so sad about this news, yet I know that God is with you in this every single minute! I am here, praying big time, loving you from Spokane, tears flowing.
    So, so grateful for your blood transfusion and that you have more energy. So, so grateful for Dr. P and his hug for you. Your courage and grace and moxie and transparency and love pouring out to all of us, even in this, reminds me of God's deep and abiding love. You are so loved dear one.

    Holding you close to my heart, praying for HOPE and for faith, Praying for PEACE, His peace that passes all understanding! Praying for HEALING and miracles. Know this, sweet Vicky, I'll love you forever, dear soul sis. I will always tell my students your story. Just as I am a part of you, you are always a part of me.

    Love you to the moon and back!
    Linda

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  17. I'm hoping and praying and loving. Hope, you know, is a rugged thing.

    I love you.
    Julie

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  18. Thank you for your update. Thank you for your never ending example of walking with God in your journey. Hoping with you and continuing to pray. Your sons are so handsome and growing up so fast. You must be so proud of them. Blessings from New Jersey xoxo

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  19. there is always hope. things happen all the time that simply make no sense, that confound doctors. So I'm hoping there right beside you.

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  20. Hope, Love, Mercy, Prayers, Miracles, Blessings, God, Jesus Christ, Holy Spirit, All Are Powerful

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  21. I read this with anticipation of what was ahead...I am always astounded by the sheer joy you have in everything. I am asking for HOPE to abound, joy to be greater and the doctors to be amazed at your ability to conquer it all. Hugs from Georgia. You are in my heart and prayers.

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  22. "He delights in the reverent devotion of those who anchor their lives on His steadfast love."
    Dearest Vicky,
    I am asking God to bless you and your family with the peace that passeth all understanding.
    Lovingly,
    Carolynn
    Oregon

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  23. I would like to give you another word...resilience. You are such an inspiration to your readers! You are resilient in how you deal with life every single day. My prayers are with you and your family and I am hoping right along with you. My aunt was a nun with the Sisters of St. Joseph for over 50 years. She taught me so much. She taught me that God has a plan and she always told me to remember God is Good. That is how she ended each and every conversation with me. Not only do I remember that...I carry it with me each day and I believe it makes my life a little brighter. So, today, dear Vicki, I hope God shines on you. Sending love and prayers.
    Jeanne

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