Friday, March 4, 2016

choosing


Two weeks ago, Marissa, who comes into the infusion center with the coolest art cart, and great projects to do, asked if I wanted to learn to knit- with my arms.  

How will I learn to do this?  My addled and fuzzy brain couldn't possibly learn the steps.  How?  

But that word hovers around me now, and I hear it on the fringe of my mind... "choose." 

So instead of investing any time or energy in thinking I can't.  I choose yes.  I'll try.  I'll just see.

What I didn't know, was that really?  I was choosing Marissa.  Without her gift of patience, and ability not to grow frustrated despite the 364 times she has to show me again, she saw me through.  She'd untangle here, and guide me there, and then my long infusion that day- went by really fast.  But I hadn't finished.  




So she came back!  She remembered, somehow, to come find me Tuesday for infusion, and we finished!  And then she gifts me with the beautiful blue and lavender scarf she worked on herself.  I see them hanging on the hooks by the doorway at home now.  And I simply smile, because its such a great reminder, to lean in sometimes, despite the uncertainty and the questions, the self-doubt- and choose anyway.  



Look what another beautiful woman chose to do for her 65th birthday.  Inside was a gift card to Target.  The woman simply beamed, handing out envelopes to each room she was invited into.  A simple gesture, a kind word, and she left.  The box she carried, was FULL of envelopes and cards.  She even brought a cake- for the staff to enjoy.  


After spending a warm and sunny Saturday, walking a mile and 1/2,  and getting a pedi with a friend, we decided to end the evening with dinner at a nearby Chinese restaurant.  All 4 of us together, eating out, for the first time in a long time.



It was 2 am when I awoke to the first sign of needing to run to the bathroom quick.  Then 3 am, and then 330, and then... oh... and then it was just easier to camp out on the floor of the bathroom.  

The next morning didn't start off any better.  I took all 8 doses of Imodium, but nothing slowed down.

I put a call into Dr. Panwalkar first thing Monday morning.  Within a couple of hours I was given a room at the hospital on University.  I needed fluids and monitoring.  When the first liter emptied into me through my port, and my bladder still wasn't full, we realized just how dehydrated I had been.



It was later that night I was released and able to go home.


I was back into enough balance to do chemo the next day.

The irony for now is all the fluid I have again accumulated in my right arm, hand, and fingers in the form of lymphedema.  Its swollen and taut, and uncomfortable, and so I wrap and compress and try to release the fluids from my damaged tissues.  

Its a vicious circle, and yet, it keeps me here.  

Choosing.

This weekend, while Jim stays with Crosby, the rest of us are going to the Cities to watch the Minnesota High School State Hockey Tournament.  

It won't be easy on me in some ways.  But it also lifts me in so many others.  I'm choosing gratitude, resting in Him, knowing He has this, no matter what it looks like.

How about you?  What are you choosing today? 








15 comments:

  1. what a great word: choosing. today, i'm choosing quiet and stillness. hugs and much love, beautiful! so glad to hear your voice today.

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  2. I chose to walk two miles today. Down th country road to the red barn and back. Half way back I wished I was closer home cause I needed the bathroom badly. But gratefully managed to get back home with embarrassing myself.
    Have a great time at the Hockey Tournament!

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  3. I chose to answer an email from my son's school - can you come and help? The other volunteer did not show up. The older they get, the less you are asked to volunteer at school, so I rearranged my morning and got to surprise him. Simple, but hopefully meaningful and fun to surprise him.

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  4. I choose to delight in your reminder that life is a blessing. :) Thanks Vicky. I look forward to our time together later this month. XOXO

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  5. Oh my dear sweet soul sis,
    How beautiful you are, inside and out. And what a constant reminder you are that yes, we get to "choose". Not always what happens, but certainly how we respond to it. So glad for the pedi, couple's time, gorgeous scarf, and the kindness fairy with gift cards on her own birthday (what a hoot!). So sad that you were dehydrated and ended up in the hospital. Yet, even then...the reminder...you are still HERE!
    Praise God, my dear Vicky, you are still here.

    Today I choose gratitude and JOY as Bert and I sit in the sunshine, again, on our swing in the back yard. Anticipating new beginnings and spring and loving every glorious crocus...almost singing as they stretch toward the warmth.

    So grateful for you, dear friend. So grateful for you!!
    Love you to the moon and back!
    Linda

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  6. You are beyond amazing, and inspire all of us who know you, to be better. In a crazy world, you shine bright, and make me hopeful.

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  7. What a neat way to celebrate a birthday. And a neat reminder to choose the best. I'm choosing to turn of the TV and turn on the oldies and maybe even dance. Safe travels and good luck to your boys' teams.

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  8. I love how you are able to enjoy crafts, time with friends and family,in the midst of it all. You are choosing to see the big picture, it seems to me, and that is a great example for the rest of us.

    Have a joyous, wonderful weekend!!

    BTW, love these pics of you xxx

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  9. The privilege and JOY of having a choice. Thank you!! Love this post and I love you. You help me center my heart on what matters most.

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  10. Vicky, it seems that everything you say resonates with me. We are on similar paths (I have leiomyosarcoma, stage IV, but I'm doing well right now) and I have found myself in many similar situations. Isn't it amazing that God can give us so many GIFTS through cancer? While this is not a path anyone would choose, it is one that gives our lives so much perspective on what is good, and true, and pure. Like you (and the Gitzen Girl), I choose to look for the good things in each day. Your blog is a blessing and inspiration to me. Thanks for sharing your heart. If you want, visit my Caring Bridge site under Ruthann Smith, Blessings to you, friend!

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  11. I am so glad you could treat yourself with a Pedi and dinner, but how awful to get sick....I'm sorry you had to go through that Vicky. I have always enjoyed your blog posts and you have taught me how important it is to have faith, courage and thankfulness. God bless you Vicky.

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  12. It amazes me how steadfastly you continue to choose good things - hope, joy, new projects, moments to make memories. You are like Sara that way. She chose joy every day, and you carry on her example. I wanted to send you a note in the mail, but accidentally threw away the envelope with your address on it. But know that I've prayed for you each day and have been filled with such gratitude that I found your blog through Sara's so long ago. Jesus keeps pointing me to Himself and to the idea of pursuing joy through your writing and through Sara's book. May He hold you close this week, and give you strength enough for each day.

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  14. God love you, Vicky. That bathroom living is MISERABLE and the hospital is no picnic either and yet you endure all this - AND lymph edema - and still manage to encourage us and stare life straight in the eyeballs and say, "Let's DO this." You've got grit, girl. Plain and simple and complicated and HARD. You are a true warrior and I mean that in the truest sense.

    Beautiful scarf, by the way. And beautiful people all around. Sending you love, dear heart. And I posted something on my FB page that might make you laugh. You're always after me to write and so I did. All I have is crazy but it's better than a lot of alternatives. :)

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  15. I need to choose to make better choices. Thank you for your continued inspiration.
    Prayers for you always.

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I welcome what you have to say. Thanks for taking the time to grace me with your thoughts and words!

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