choosing

Two weeks ago, Marissa, who comes into the infusion center with the coolest art cart, and great projects to do, asked if I wanted to learn to knit- with my arms.  

How will I learn to do this?  My addled and fuzzy brain couldn't possibly learn the steps.  How?  

But that word hovers around me now, and I hear it on the fringe of my mind... "choose." 

So instead of investing any time or energy in thinking I can't.  I choose yes.  I'll try.  I'll just see.

What I didn't know, was that really?  I was choosing Marissa.  Without her gift of patience, and ability not to grow frustrated despite the 364 times she has to show me again, she saw me through.  She'd untangle here, and guide me there, and then my long infusion that day- went by really fast.  But I hadn't finished.  

So she came back!  She remembered, somehow, to come find me Tuesday for infusion, and we finished!  And then she gifts me with the beautiful blue and lavender scarf she worked on herself.  I see them hanging on the hooks by the doorway at home now.  And I simply smile, because its such a great reminder, to lean in sometimes, despite the uncertainty and the questions, the self-doubt- and choose anyway.  

Look what another beautiful woman chose to do for her 65th birthday.  Inside was a gift card to Target.  The woman simply beamed, handing out envelopes to each room she was invited into.  A simple gesture, a kind word, and she left.  The box she carried, was FULL of envelopes and cards.  She even brought a cake- for the staff to enjoy.  

After spending a warm and sunny Saturday, walking a mile and 1/2,  and getting a pedi with a friend, we decided to end the evening with dinner at a nearby Chinese restaurant.  All 4 of us together, eating out, for the first time in a long time.

It was 2 am when I awoke to the first sign of needing to run to the bathroom quick.  Then 3 am, and then 330, and then... oh... and then it was just easier to camp out on the floor of the bathroom.  

The next morning didn't start off any better.  I took all 8 doses of Imodium, but nothing slowed down.

I put a call into Dr. Panwalkar first thing Monday morning.  Within a couple of hours I was given a room at the hospital on University.  I needed fluids and monitoring.  When the first liter emptied into me through my port, and my bladder still wasn't full, we realized just how dehydrated I had been.

It was later that night I was released and able to go home.

I was back into enough balance to do chemo the next day.

The irony for now is all the fluid I have again accumulated in my right arm, hand, and fingers in the form of lymphedema.  Its swollen and taut, and uncomfortable, and so I wrap and compress and try to release the fluids from my damaged tissues.  

Its a vicious circle, and yet, it keeps me here.  

Choosing.

This weekend, while Jim stays with Crosby, the rest of us are going to the Cities to watch the Minnesota High School State Hockey Tournament.  

It won't be easy on me in some ways.  But it also lifts me in so many others.  I'm choosing gratitude, resting in Him, knowing He has this, no matter what it looks like.

How about you?  What are you choosing today?