Tuesday, November 10, 2015

rollercoaster

It’s right when they pull the bar down over my head and wedge it into my lap on the rollercoaster that I start to inwardly scream, “Wait! I changed my mind! Let me off!” 

Who picks Space Mountain, at Disneyland, to be their very first rollercoaster experience?  

By now, however, it’s too late.

With a jerk the car moves forward, as the undercarriage starts grabbing the hooks, to lift it towards the sky.

By the time we are climbing, the car is clicking- each "click, click, click" ratchets my anxiety up a notch and I am sure this was a mistake. I press my knees against the back of the seat in front of me trying to hold myself steady.

I steel myself, surmising the drop will come, whether I like it or not.

And then there is that moment, that nauseating and violent moment where everything slows down... 

For a brief portion of a second I’m airborne, held in by that suffocating bar. 

Then down we go and I shriek as I hurl back into the seat!  I tell myself "it's over soon, over soon... over... I just need to ride it out.   It will end... 

Whew, it does.  I'm shaky-kneed and breathless as I walk away...

Its not until my boys ride their first "intermediate," rollercoaster at Hershey Park, that I get back on... this one in the light, and I'm more focused on how my boys will do, than myself.

These days I find myself, on a rollercoaster ride... like none other.  One that doesn’t end.  I'm flying around corners, hurtling up steep embankments, waiting... feeling my stomach lurch... knowing the plunge and the free fall will happen... again, and again... whether I'm ready or not.  






Weekly taxol infusion today...


Are you following Rory and Joey's story?  Heart wrenching and life-giving all at the same time.

THIS post, had me saying, me too!

Pretty sure love made my hair fall off, too.  

It's love after all, that beats cancer, every time.

Next blog post later this week- filled with all kinds of love that is seeing me through- plus my next big adventure...










45 comments:

  1. the rollercoaster...such an word picture for me because I truly hate them. I'm praying for you which seems completely impotent. But I'll keep on. loving you big and wide xo

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    1. I'm so encouraged by those prayers- truly- I think they have kept me going- for whatever work he needs me to do- I'm here to see it through and so grateful all of you choose to come along! Love you, Robin!

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  2. While reading your post, I was right on that roller coaster with you. I felt everything you were feeling. But, as I read on, I felt your courage and strength coming through. Vicky, dear friend, you inspire me.

    Sending thoughts, prayers and love your way as always, dear friend. xxoo

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    1. Thankful to always have you along Eileen, it wouldn't feel the same if you weren't here with me! Love to you friend!

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  3. Your portrait is so powerful - as is your faith, which amazes me again and again. Remember last year when you were packing away the ornaments and the thoughts you expressed at that time? I keep thinking.. you're here.. it's you. Keep going....

    Also, just read through their blog, oh, what a story of faith. How sad and tragic and yet uplifting - *love*, never stronger -

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    1. I do remember packing the ornaments and wondering- and now I feel so lucky, so blessed to see another beautiful holiday just around the corner- we can't wait!

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  4. Beautiful portrait of you. Your strength as you ride that coaster is only surpassed by His strength through you. I love you, my friend.
    Holding you through the ride. Always.
    Jackie

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    1. Such a great reminder, Jackie- yes- His strength- amen! Thankful to have you along for this ride! Love to you dear one!

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  5. No one could describe the experience of treatment and subjecting your body to the unknowable in the white-knuckled way you have with this post, Vicky. I felt every stomach lurching moment and it made me remember the times I have subjected myself to roller coasters and why I no longer do. But you bravely move forward for so many reasons, in spite of the fear, and they all start with love.

    I have been following some of Rory and Joey's story and I thank you for posting a link. I love those around her who have decided to make their hair fall off for love. I am headed down today - finally - after my own health scare to be with my dear friend who just had the double mastectomy. They also found it in one of her lymph nodes. She is headed into her next portion of the forced roller coaster ride and I only hope I can bring some way to encourage her for the journey.

    Praying for today's Taxol treatment. And for YOU, Wonder Woman. Very few sheroes wear capes. They wear love on their shaved heads, in their sore and exhausted needle pocked veins, during their quiet moments of sheer will and forced endurance, and during each time they sit in the seat and let the bar be locked down over their laps in spite of the terror. You make those choices moment-by-moment, day after day, Vicky. You ARE courage and you ARE love. May there be VERY few dips and turns on this ride today. Praying for the coaster to straighten itself out and be more like the Disneyland train today. Please, Lord. And send your wonderful angels as you do. Warmest hugs, Vicky. Wish I could deliver them in person.

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    1. I would so come running to get them, Robynn! I feel them- even through the computer screen- your words are rich with love, always. Much love to you, friend!

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  6. Your rollercoaster experience reminds me of the years in my childhood I was under the mistaken notion that I was responsible for holding down the bar. My sister said, "be sure to hold the bar down tight or you will go flying out of the car." In Jr. High School, my seatmate on the ride asked why I was gripping the bar with so much tension and she laughed and laughed when I told her why. She demonstrated how locked down the bar was and forever after, the rollercoaster was not as scary or thrilling.

    This ride you are on is definitely scary, but from your description, the thrilling part is how much love you have been able to give and receive.

    Warmest hugs through this next Taxol treatment.

    I must say, that at first glance of the photo as it appeared on Facebook, I thought it was artistically very beautiful.

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    1. Thank you for your ever kind and thoughtful words, Kass. How scary you thought you had to hold the bar down! That is so interesting it wasn't as thrilling then, when you could just let go, and knew you'd be fine. So insightful!

      Yes, I love what you have just said- as hard as the ride can be, its still filled with such grace, love, and so many other parts that have been magnified. Maybe they were there all along- but my focus had to shift to be able to fully see them. Good thoughts to chew on, Kass- thankful for your perspective!

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    1. Thankful for those prayers, always!

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  8. that picture captures you so well. did rick take it?

    i think if you needed the strength of a bald sisterhood, there are MANY who would stand in line to have their heads shaved!

    i'm thankful you are being held by the strongest arms in the universe--the EVERLASTING ARMS (Deuteronomy 33:27)--and that He is mighty to save.

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    1. Rick did take the photo of me- truly blessed by his gifts. I feel so many of you, in many ways, are standing with me in sisterhood, most with, and some without hair- but there with me which counts the most! Love to you, friend!

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  9. By the way? This picture is beautiful and I just shared it with Hannah and the post. Hannah asked about you this morning.

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    1. Sweet Hannah, I pray she is close to you and helping you. I'm praying friend- deep in prayer for you! Love you!

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  10. What an accurate and devastating comparison to a roller coaster. You have such a beautiful, beautiful way with words.

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    1. Thank you, Melissa- that encourages me so. I feel they are the gift of Him, using me. They simply pour through at times, and I am blessed.

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  11. You are beautiful. Praying. Hang onto His unchanging hand, dear Vicky.

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    1. Thankful to feel that hand ever near, Susan, deeply grateful. Blessings and love to you!

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  12. I am so sorry for your pain but I admire your strength and ability to not give up. Prayers for you and your family. ♡♡♡

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    1. Hi Gale, thankful to have your sweet words, and those nourishing prayers! Blessings to you!

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  13. I was with you as I read this powerful post--dashing around all those curves and up, up, up that step hill. I do not like roller coasters. No I do not!

    You come to my heart so often. I'm praying, my beautiful friend.

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    1. I so appreciate your prayers, Julie, they are ever present in my life I feel and I am deeply moved. Sending so much love to you!

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  14. Oh honey,
    I so wish I could be right there, make you some tea, talk softly about this part of that
    roller coaster ride, and be of help in some way that might ease your heart. I felt like your words took me on that roller coaster ride with you, every twist and turn. I am following Rory and Joey's story and you are so right...It's LOVE after all that beats cancer every time! Love always wins!!

    And that photograph of you...it just tugs at my heart as it shows your beauty, inside and out!

    Love you to the moon and back, sweet soul sis!
    Linda

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    1. To the moon, and all the way back, Linda!

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  15. The image you have shared will remain with me as I continue in prayer for you. It is powerful beyond words.

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    1. That is a high compliment, and I'm very touched you would say that, Susan. I miss reading your words, and seeing your beautiful photos paired so thoughtfully with them- but you friend, are never far from my thoughts.

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  16. You look amazingly beautiful!!! Cant wait to SEE your next post!!!

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    1. It took me soooo long- but I hope you liked it :)

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  17. When I saw this on facebook I commented, taking the safe route, that the picture of you is powerful and that I would be praying. I wanted to add that I would bring the Dramamine. We need to laugh through the hurting or tears sometimes. You're in my thoughts.
    Lynda in Michigan.

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    1. Lynda- how great to have you here, too! Yes, such sage advice- the dramamine, the Lorazepam, the Xanax, whatever is needed to see us through the bumps we all have to endure! Thankful to have you here, friend!

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  18. I love you, girl. Hold on tight.

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    1. HIlary- love you right back- holding on dearly- praying you are too, friend!

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  19. Thinking of you and saying a prayer for you Vicki... Your post popped up on my FB page (which I'm not on often) and my heart broke when I read it. Praying praying praying for your strength and peace... and I know Gitz is too.

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    1. So touched to have you stop by here, Susie! I feel her, and all of you whispering those prayers that see me through. I was included in her launch team and have been crying through the pages of her book- oh my heart- such a full-circle blessing to feel right now. Hugs to you~

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  20. Checking back for any word on how this went yesterday and not seeing you comment on anything has me worried tonight. I'm so afraid this hit you hard. Praying right now that you will feel God's comfort and healing in your room right now. Praying that you are able to sleep.

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    1. Me too, Robynn. I'm praying that same prayer. Love you, dear Vicky. Praying right now for God's healing grace to hold you in His arms. Praying for good rest for you tonight.
      Praying for you too, dear Robynn. What a blessing you are!

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    2. Robynn, so sorry I haven't been back to update as I wished. I'm overall not as sick as I was with the previous chemo- I seem to cycle through this one, ending up feeling pretty well a day or two before I need to go back in. Thankful for your prayers that see me through- always- those are what keep me going no matter what!!

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  21. Such a powerful post. I think you mentioned writing a book at one time? You’re an excellent writer, and just an amazing lady all the way around. Please know God is using your story to inspire and encourage others, sweet Vicky. You truly are a living testimony of what total surrender looks like, and how the Lord works in a life surrendered to Him. You are strength, peace, wisdom, grace, love, kindness, thankfulness...
    I see Jesus in you. And love did make your hair fall off. Love for your family to do all you can to stay with them. Praying so hard dear Vicky that this treatment will work for you and you are able to endure the side-effects.
    I have been following Joey’s story. “Heart-wrenching and life-giving all at the same time” is a perfect description of her story. Have you seen the post today? “One More” is the title. Reminded me of one your posts. I’ll try to post the link here—don’t know if it’ll work.

    http://thislifeilive.com/one-more/

    Looking forward to your next Blog post and hearing about your next big adventure! Love, hugs and many prayers for you.

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    1. Nina- your words are such a gift to me- thank you! I pray that He is using me- I pray that I am living His way, His will for me. The, "One more," post has such beauty- such truth- it resonates so deeply- THEY inspire me. Thankful for your insightful and spirit-filled words, Nina- so thankful! Love and hugs to you~

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  22. Vicky, I love that shot of you. It is beautiful. I am sure you would rather it not be there, like that, so I hesitate saying it. But it is an intriguing and beautiful you!!

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    1. Thank you, Maddy- its ok- its a real photo and expresses how I feel- I love that you find it intriguing :) Hope all is well with you!

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