Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Unfolding



If I'm being honest, I'm posting this reminder, because I'm hovering in the midst of uncertainty.  I can't seem to gain any navigational strategies.


On Monday, I spent the day taking down our Christmas decorations.  I strongly desired the boys to come and sit with me.  I wanted to tell them the story of so many of the ornaments we collected over the years.  For them to delight in the telling, somehow, and for us to have this sweet family moment.

But truthfully?  Colton was checked out, curled up with his legos in his room.  Quiet.  Content.  Not wanting to engage.

And Nolan, was all motion, and energy.  He was fine with the parts where I needed his strength, his reach, his agility in handling the big tree, and the tall racks where we store the boxes.  But slowing and listening to me talk about the ornaments?  Not so much.  He'd just keep moving, in and out, working around the spot I sat on the floor.

So I just dedicated myself to packing up each little bit.  The plastic bulbs, that I don't like, but truly were all we could afford that first year we moved back to Minnesota from Idaho.  We lacked any kind of financial security, but oh were we happy.  I then reach for the blue fragile ones.  Extra wrap for these.  They're glass, and irreplaceable.   It seems we break a few each year, and these are some of my favorites.  Will anyone know?  

Should I be grabbing the video camera and documenting as I go?  I could journal about each one, take pictures, write the stories…  But does it really matter?

And somehow… none of this seems right.  Because I can't quite figure out if I've packed those ornaments for the last time, or not?  

With my last bit of energy waning,

 I finish the job, packing up Christmas, with as much love as I can.  I wrap carefully.  I savor and cherish each one, longingly.  The hockey stick ornament for Nolan.  The blue fish ornament that Colton picked out.  The one I made, out of beads, of a heart.  I wrap and pack.  And hope.

I pray, its the love that gets unwrapped and felt, by whomever opens those ornaments next year.  

It's the love that matters, in the end.  This is what will see me through.  



It seems there is a fine line I'm walking these days.  I happened to look out one afternoon, and could see it so clearly.  


The light, shining through the dark.  And the dark, swirling around, swallowing up the light, just as quickly.  

This is where, my word grabs me, as I stumble along the ever -shifting line… just believe.  










*******************************************************


Superman continues to struggle, daily, with nerve pain, from shingles.  The doctor warned us, the pain can last for weeks, to months and even up to a year.  He told us to go back to him, only if symptoms prevailed past 3 weeks to a month- we're not quite there yet.  

  Rick manages to get out of bed, and down to his office to complete the most pressing projects.  But then needs to hunker down, rest his weary eyes, and try to relieve the taut, and corded muscles along his back.  The pain still registers in his eyes, the way his shoulders stoop when he walks, and the overall weariness of dealing with shingles.  Everything that you've heard about how miserable they can be- seems to be true.

All of this to say-

We're so thankful for all those who have helped us through these rough times.  The rides you've given our children.   The grace you've given when Rick can't return a call, text or email, right away.  We truly appreciate your understanding.  

















63 comments:

  1. Never doubt they will remember, because they love you!

    I sent you an email for Rick. Hope he feels better soon!

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    1. Its nearly a week later and I can say I think Rick has turned a corner. So thankful for the ideas on what to try and thankful for you!

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  2. Sending love and hugs sweet Vicky. I feel for Rick and know just how he feels. Here I am 4 years later (after a severe case) still dealing with nerve pain. Although better and less frequent, it is still there every once in awhile. I will be saying prayers for all of you, hoping Rick will soon feel much better. Just take it one day at a time.

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    1. I have such compassion for anyone that has even had a mild case- its so life altering. I think we have just turned the tiniest of corners and I see some light and energy returning and I am so thankful for that! Thankful for your prayers, too, Eileen. Praying that you have less and less times you have to deal with nerve pain yourself. xxoo

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  3. Dear Vicky, asking our Lord to encourage your heart and to bring relief to your husband. I wish I could come and give you a hug and some coffeecake and hear about it face to face.

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    1. I would so enjoy that Susan, truly. Its taken a long time- but I do think Rick is feeling a bit better and we're so relieved. Thank you for your prayers and encouragement!

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  4. Sending love and prayers for you and Rick. TeresaL

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    1. Thankful for both, Teresa! Love to you~

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  5. I can feel your frustration and sorrow in your words. None of us have words to make this better, but I hope you can feel our prayers coming through to you.

    And up to a year for shingles?? I had no idea!

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    1. Thankful for your prayers- always thankful. Yes- the nerves can really get damaged, we've been told. He is finally able to cope with the pain, without pain meds, and that has helped him so much.

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  6. Your words are so very true, Vicky. It is the love that matters, and that love will see you and your family through. We have to remember that when "teenager" takes over our children's lives, and they aren't always on the same wavelength that we are. But that foundation of love that you have built with them is so very solid. I hope you can find peace and comfort in knowing that.

    Hoping that Rick will feel some relief very soon! Hugs and prayers for you all! <3

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    1. Thank you for that wisdom, Steph. Our dreams get so grand sometimes, even though reality dictates, simplicity can prevail. So happy to see you Saturday~ much love to you!

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  7. Your love for your family is so evident in the words and thoughts you share. Keeping you in prayer these uncertain days.

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    1. Thankful for those specific prayers, Susan. I miss you- I hope you know how much we all miss you. But thankful, you are staying with us, in this way :) Your "voice" would be missed too much! Much love and prayers to you, friend~

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  8. Oh my friend...I felt right there with you packing up those precious ornaments ...the blue ones, your favorites? The pink fragile ones are my favorites. Let's remember that about each other...I can't tell you how many times I've packed away little notes with my Christmas ornaments- "these go on the den tree...special memories in this box- xo" I sign it...xo because, I think, perhaps someone else will unpack this box next year - and I want to leave them a hug and a kiss ... just in case. I love you my friend- I pray for your peace and for poor Rick's pain.
    Thank you for writing this post, for inviting us to sit with you there in the den- taking down the tree-packing away your favorite blue ornaments. sending so much love-

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    1. I'm so completely undone, that you write the notes! That is brilliant. I could so easily do that. Thankful for your fresh perspective- I love knowing both why and how you do this. You always mentor me so, and I am grateful that is unending~ Love you dear one.

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  9. Love and strength being sent to you across the miles. xox

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    1. Thankful for those well wishes and please know that love is being sent right back to you, friend!

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  10. Vicky, it somehow seems wrong to answer such a deep post with just a blog comment. I'm motionless as I sit pondering your words. My fingers hover wondering how to address the uncertainties you face. You are having to mix them in with this life that is abnormal and normal all at once and churned together in some kind of surreal vortex. And in that swirling, straw that is easily breakable penetrates wooden poles, defying logic, and the heavy, the stationary, the immovable is tossed like so many falling petals on a breezy day.

    I'm hanging on to that piercing straw for you. Everything would tell us that it cannot happen, but sometimes, it does. Take time, as you can, to write down the important things you want the boys to remember because the reality is, we all should. It's making me think. But hope in another Christmas, dear friend. I'm hoping, and praying, with you and with everyone here and in your life who love you so much.

    Where Rick is concerned.....My shingles pain lasted three years ten years ago but it was at the base of my spine where I sit so it was subjected to constant pressure. But even then, the pain did eventually go away when I thought it never would. Keeping pressure off the area is really key and critical. And keep the antivirals handy is also so important. Early treatment is THE KEY to avoiding a lot of the pain of damage in case they reoccur, and they can in about 20% of people. Mine do but they have never been as bad as the first time because of always keeping the medicine on hand and taking it at the first sign. That probably won't happen with, Rick, but no one really tells you how important it is to thwart a reoccurrence should it happen. My heart goes out to you both. With love.

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    1. Thankful for your wise words- yes- that straw- the string- the thread- I'm just hanging on- praying I can do this, whatever THIS is :) We've turned a small corner with the shingles and I am so relieved. Its more "doable," right now, the flare-ups more manageable, although still present. He has adhered to the advice so graciously offered by those of you with experience. I cannot fathom- three years, Robynn! Oh that just floors me. Hugs to you, friend, and much love!

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  11. Oh my sweet friend,
    I feel like I am sitting there with you, on the floor with the ornaments, Colton with his legos
    and Nolan full of teenage energy. The mix of trying to have a normal life for them with a focus on hockey and school and yet so much that is uncertain. No wonder you are struggling to
    have a navigational strategy. Uncertainty has a way of un-anchoring us from time to time.
    It brings with it the hardest questions and you are so brave to ask them.

    In all that is uncertain what I know to be true is this. Those boys love you and adore you and they will remember. All of the love and time and commitment, they will remember their Momma at the hockey rink and driving them to practice. They will remember the traditions and the meals and the lake. They know in every fiber of their being that you have been and are there for them. You can bank on that.

    What I also know for certain is how loved you are, dear friend, by all of us who are praying and hoping and believing along side you. You can count on that in all the uncertainty.

    And how hard it must be right now to have your rock, your certainty, your superman, so under the weather and in such physical pain. Uncertain when he will feel better. A one, two punch of sorts. Yuk!

    What I also know for certain is that God is there with you, every moment, holding you close.
    He loves you as you wrap up the ornaments and wonder what to document. He can be your navigational guide when you can't do it yourself, sweet friend. In the midst of all you don't know, you do know His love.

    So with tears streaming down my face, I want you to know how grateful I am for how honest and authentic you are. I love you certain or uncertain. I am praying 24/7 for you, for Rick and for your boys. As you walk that fine and shifting line, I am praying for strength and wisdom and stamina and peace. May you know His peace, that peace that is certain in the midst of the unknown.

    Love you to the moon and back!
    Linda

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    1. "I love you certain or uncertain…" Ah friend, that sings to me. So grateful- that speaks so much to me. And Rick has felt those prayers and has turned a corner we think :) Your love comes through and nourished us so and truly appreciate it, and send so much right back to you!

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  12. I pray that you will be the one opening the ornaments in 2015.

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    1. Ahhh- that is the perfect prayer- thank you Francis! Much love to you!

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  13. Prayers, love and hugs coming for you, hubby and family.

    After years of visiting your blog regularly, cancer has struck my family. A week ago, my husband was diagnosed with Lung cancer with metastases of the liver. He's undergoing new tests tomorrow...they are checking all over his body for more cancer. He's 71. We've been married just under 10 years. I know you love to pray for others...so I'm asking if you will pray for us. ♥

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    1. Oh bless your heart Jan...I may not know you, but I will keep you and your husband in prayers!!!

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    2. Jan, I don't know you but in the company of others who love Vicky and the beauty of her words, I am praying for you and your husband.

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    3. Thank you so much Peggy Sue and JennyBC...your prayers mean so much to us. Each day, it seems that a piece of hubby slips away...each day is worse than the day before for him. His memory is going. Hugs to both of you...♥ Jan

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    4. Thankful for your replies- Peggy Sue, and Jenny! Jan, even though I have yet to reply physically, I have been praying since my eyes landed here. I am so sorry to hear/read about your husband. I spent time reading your blog, and praying. I hope peace envelops you, I pray you feel His everlasting arms around you as you care for your husband. Sometimes, we take it day by day, and sometimes its simply trying to get from one hour to the next. Love and prayers to you friend.

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    5. Sending many, many prayers, Jan. My husband is a colon cancer survivor. Please hang on to hope.

      Jane x

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  14. Your heart in this post....your thoughts....had me aching all over for you...this is not a easy time for all of you. With your superman, feeling less then super...I just ache for you all. Sometimes it all feels like to much....(I am sending a personal message) Vicky I am praying for all of you... Love love love you beautiful Lady!

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    1. Thankful for your insight and ability to share it with me, sweet friend. Much love to you-always :)

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  15. The sad reality is that none of us knows if we will be here next Christmas to open the boxes of decorations. All we can try to do is to live our lives as you do--with as much love and hope and honesty and intention as possible. Inspired by your words to be more IN my life, while I live my life--for as many days as I may have. XOXO

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    1. Such truth in your words, Pat. None of us knows. Love what you said about deciding to be more IN your life- that is beautiful and I am touched by hearing that. Much love to you~

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  16. Vicky, i feel your heavy heart in reading this, thankful for sharing this and your vulnerability! I pray for light to reach every dark place --- that you see it always shining. I pray life into every moment and that you know each moment is full and lived well - all of this no matter what is around the corner.

    Love you sweet friend!

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    1. Love you, Tiffany~ Thankful for your grace-filled words and prayers. xxoo

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  17. No words. Just a wide open heart...wishing we were next door neighbors because I'd be coming over right now.

    My love.

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  18. I just wanted to write you some words to send love your way. I can imagine you sitting on the living room floor putting away ornaments and doing all this wondering. What a reality that you do not know where you'll be next year. All I could think about while reading your post was your blog and how one day your boys will get into it. They'll read this post and not remember the significance of that day. And then they find that they can come here and be with you. I can imagine their wives especially getting into it, to get to know you and yearn for you. What a beautiful thing you leave behind here, with the greatest lesson: to embrace life as is, to see Good and to love.

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    1. Feeling your love MaddyChristine~ think of you often and pray that everything is going well for you. Soon- we'll hear all about it and I can't wait!

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  19. Vicky, I felt a little of my breath slip away as I read your post. I imagine you must feel that often as news from the physician coincide with how you feel. It's one thing to feel something in our body and yet another to have it confirmed. That was your post for me. I so hope in each day that you have a small inkling of how much you are loved by this little community who read your beautiful, beautiful words. Your honesty and transparency have taught me much~ not only in dealing with illness but in life in general. The older I get, the more I feel the need for truthfulness without causing hurt, transparency without giving away my soul and honesty without doesn't look or need to build me up.
    I think as moms we wonder what impact our lives will have on our children. Your desire to leave behind your thoughts, your hopes and dreams and even your memories of Christmas ornaments is not wasted....they know. Your blog posts are a treasure box to them. I encourage you to write the intimate things you want to say to them. I watch my neighbor children who weren't afforded the time to have words from their father and how those words would be a blame to their soul now, years later.
    Write and yet believe. Hold onto hope. Praying for you....

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    1. Thankful for your insightful and wise words, Jenny. I do feel that having this time, is something not afforded everyone, and I want to use it well. This blog will certainly have so much of what I would want the boys to know and remember. Thank you for your support and love- it means everything to us and I do come here and feel the love and feel so humbled by it all. Thankful for you! Love to you~

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  20. Many prayers for you and your family. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

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    1. Thank you Megan, for coming along to share with me~ xxoo

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  21. Love to you, friend. Thank you for so many things, for the light and laughter and brutal honesty, for the hope and faith and grace, for showing us what courage looks like and for those of us who have turned away from religion for whatever reason... a glimpse at what faith can do. I do believe in miracles, as my family was handed one not so very long ago.... so I say to you... keep believing.

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    1. Thankful for your ever encouraging and hope-filled words- this is beautifully said and I am ever so grateful to you for your steadfast support and love. xxoo

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  22. What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

    I am so sorry for what you are going through right now.

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    1. Thank you, Country Girl~ great quote and I think it fits perfectly right now.

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  23. I hope someday that they can read your blog, and if they don't already know what an amazing woman their mother is, reading your posts they will.

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    1. Spot on, Hilary- I pray the blog lives on for them to know me in new ways, as they grow and mature. So much of this is about them, and for them and I pray it helps some day :)

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  24. I'm visiting from Karen's blog...she is so sweet to give us the link. I am sure you have many, even strangers, who are praying for you and your family. I can't imagine what it's like to be in your shoes, but you have a clarity in the way you feel and speak about the past, present and future. This is a gift. And I have hope that you will have many more occasions to unwrap and wrap those precious ornaments.

    Love to you,

    Jane x

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    1. Jane, Thank you for coming over from Karen's and reading. I appreciate your kind and supportive words. Love right back to you!

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  25. I'm here from Karen's blog as well.

    Vickie - I'll pray for you, your husband and sons. I know it's hard for some of us to articulate words as well as others. Suffice it to say, just from what I read tonight,
    you are a very strong, and faithful. Miracles happen; I pray a miracle will happen for you.
    xoxo

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    1. Sally, thank you for coming over. I'm truly touched by your kind words and prayers. They sustain me so, and help encourage me as well. xx00

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  26. I'm also here from Karen's blog. Holding you in my thoughts and prayers. Prayers for grace, for healing, for miracles, which happen every day.
    xo
    Claudia

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    1. Claudia- so touched by Karen's post and then to have you all come over and leave such kind and encouraging words- so thankful to you! xxoo

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  27. I'm visiting from Karen's blog, too and want you to know that I am keeping you and your husband in my prayers. And your sweet boys, too. You have such a sweet way about you. I know you are a blessing to your family. Sending you hugs, Diane

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    1. Thank you for your visit, Diane~ and for your prayers. They mean so much to us, and we treasure all of you who pray- so much. Sending hugs right back to you!

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  28. fell here, to your site, for some Karma reason . . . so wishing you health and hope and quick recovery to your husband. Prayers. Positive thoughts. God speed.

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