“The unreal is more powerful than the real. Because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because its only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. People, well, they die. But things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on. If you can change the way people think. The way they see themselves. The way they see the world. You can change the way people live their lives. That's the only lasting thing you can create.”
Two nights ago, after I fell asleep. I awoke to my toes curled, and cramps running through both my calves. My legs, were in excruciating pain.
I tried to stand to walk, and fell to the ground instantly, my muscles too taut to work. I yelled for Rick to help. Hot water was the only thing I could think of that might help loosen the muscles.
Not hearing him respond, I reached up towards the bed trying to get a grip to stand, as his head reached over the side to see me, and I clawed his face, scraping skin, and seeing blood flow from the wound I left behind. Somehow, he still managed to maneuver me from our room, into the bathtub and ran steaming water for me. It soaked through my clothes, as I clawed at the muscles trying to squelch the pain. I was full on shrieking in pain.
I dripped with sweat, and nausea had me calling out for a garbage can as I heaved.
I've never, and I mean never, experienced anything like this before.
I was shocked to google later the next day and see that "excruciating leg cramps at night," is an actual physical event for many. Are you like me, and sense relief if you start to google something and it pops right up in your list of queries?
The list of things that can bring on leg cramps of that magnitude?
1- standing on a hard surface for a length of time.
2- being subjected to cold temperatures.
3- low magnesium and potassium
Check- to all 5 of these for me.
I had thought I could handle going to two hockey games after chemo on Tuesday.
I thought I could help care for my mom all day, then come home and be ready to go to hockey.
I was sadly wrong.
On and off throughout the night, I dipped back into the tub as new pain ripped through my legs. It was early morning before I could sleep, peacefully.
My legs were raw and sore yesterday, it was Rick, (looking like he lost a fight with someone) who had to go and transfer my mom from the hospital back to Bethany, the nursing home.
What do you do, when the hard and the messy seem unending? What do you cling to? What gets you through…
The pink clay flower in the photo above was one of my gifts from Colton at Christmas. He was literally misty-eyed when he gave it to me as he saw how it lit up my face. Its one of many moments I savored over our spectacular Christmas.
I have so much good, full, special, moments to share about our Christmas. Despite the hard, the messy, the uncertain…
From Merriam Webster:
a : to have a firm religious faithb : to accept something as true, genuine, or real
: to have a firm conviction as to the goodness, efficacy, or ability of something <believe in exercise>
: to hold an opinion : think believe
I think my word found me at the Carmelite Convent, that day the "believe" bookmark clunked on the floor while I prayed for a message from God.
It could not have been any more clear… some days… we just need to believe.
Happy New Year from the Westra World to all of you!
Have you thought of a word to guide you throughout 2015 that you care to share?